Beat Yo’ Ass And Hide The Bible If God Watchin’

Beat Yo’ Ass And Hide The Bible If God Watchin’

Posted on May 28, 2024 at 12:17 pm by Mike Best

A fucking World Title gauntlet. 

This is a joke, right? A Last Man Standing match against Silent Witness less than two weeks ago, and now I face a literal fucking gauntlet… on a go home show… before the single most difficult match in all of wrestling. 


Cool cool cool cool cool. 

Honestly, at this point, fuck it. I’m a survivor. This is what I do. I defy ridiculous odds and shit on heads like my lawyer has the NDAs on a quick release holster. Nobody believed in me against Silent Witness. NOBODY. Not even me motherfuckers, but here I stand as the reigning, defending, undisputed HOW World Champion. This is what I do. This is who I am. I’m the guy who makes you want to quit the company and go somewhere easier. I’m the guy who you get within a cunthair of dethroning, only for me to dig deep at the last second and find some fight within me that you’re never seen before. 


And you aren’t. 

Silent Witness made me work harder than anyone has made me work in an entire fucking era, but here I stand. So sure, bring on a fucking gauntlet. Send whatever is left of the PWA to my doorstep. Put me up against a Hall of Mirrors of former HOW Hall of Famers making shocking returns. Send Adonis Smyth and Aceldama and that’s just me getting through the A’s. Do you think I give a fuck at this point? 

Do you think I’m afraid? 

It’s really come down to blind gauntlets. 

That’s embarrassing. That’s embarrassing for every motherfucker in our locker room who laces up his boots and thinks he’s ever got a shot in fuck of taking this title from me. Lee Best just booked me against opponents who I cannot prepare for. Who I cannot anticipate. Who I can’t play mind games with, leading up to the match. He put the World Title into HOFC rules, something I’ve been begging for literally for years, but he waited to do it until I wouldn’t even know who I’m talking shit about. 

And I’m STILL the Vegas favorite. 

What, you expect me to be modest?

Why the fuck would I show an ounce of humility anymore? Silent Witness is on fire. Unstoppable. On the single best run of his career, while Sektor plays grab ass with a midcard belt and the rest of the roster gets lost in their own Lalaland bullshit. And I survived him. TWICE. I proved to myself that I’m just as good as I’ve ever been, and maybe even fucking BETTER. 

So yeah, bring on the gauntlet. 

I’ll kick the shit out of anyone you send down that ramp. I’ll fight a legion of middle schoolers, or I’ll fight a whole class of Hall of Famers, and I’ll shit wreck anything in between. Drag the corpse of Max Kael down to the ring and seventeen of his clones. Sprinkle Graystone in my eyes and then send a horde of failed Aceldama returns. I’ll fight fucking Andy Murray and all seventeen of the people who still watch him on YouTube. I don’t even need the last hundred and fifty words of this HOFC promo, fucking bet on that. Because there’s no one left to send, Lee. I’ve beaten them all. They’re all in PRIME, or ogling dudes on Twitter who are pretending to be chicks. 

Bet me anything. 

If I lose this match, I’ll mail you your fucking ICON TItle. 

I’ll go work at a Burger King. 

I’ll retire.

I’ll kill myself. 

This is fucking retarded.