WEAPON GETTED THE OFFICE OF
HIGH OCTANE ELDER SCROLLS HUMAN RESOURCES
Storage Room B Gaming Room Human Resources Suite 360
The office of Gamers Loco 360 in conjunction with the Elder Scrolls would like to extend an invitation for JONATHAN SEKTOR, LSD Champion to join their !ranks*
John “Mortal Kombat” Sektor (JMKS) is a bad-ass suplex cold-blooded killer. A well oiled machine inside and outside the ring, John shows a wrestling ability which is unparalleled. While past his chronological prime, John has no intent of slowing down and may be doing the best work of his career.
“Sektor’s proven time and time again he’s High Octane Elite,” Prime Minister and Gaming Developer Conor Fuse said at yesterday’s press conference, pleading for Sektor to drop his (likely) well-laid out plans to join GL360 in the snap of a finger.
“John’s also eligible for Elder Scroll status,” Conor added.
The Elder Scrolls (ES) is another group that has taken off with flying colours. These pension-eers enjoy day-to-day assisted living from the finest quality care physicians in the country. Arts and crafts, karaoke and games nights are just a few of the newly inspired programs hosted by current resident Conor Fuse, when he’s not off fighting BOTS and Bosses of all shapes and sizes. The Elders have given HOWrestling.com a much needed informational boost the fans desire! Met with universal praise, these Elders sit in their high chairs, offering wisdom and guidance to a bevy of professional talent.
“Reading news from The Elder Scrolls is a wonderful breath of fresh air from the typical boring/mundane Human Resource belligerence!”- Lee Best, AKA Big Boss, probably thinking but too scared to say publicly.
The ES team continues to work deep within the confines of the Dearness Living Community (DLC).
“Recently we’ve given reality checks for Clay Byrd, Teddy Palmer and Darin Zion. Sutler Reynolds-Kael is a snake and doesn’t mean what he says,” intern Richard, 95, said yesterday. “It’s important everyone knows. We also promoted an SRK rebranding to ‘Reynolds’ but he didn’t bite.”
When asked about the potential to add a John Sektor to the Elder Scrolls, it was met with eldership applause!
“Yep,” Stanley, 90.
“Would be a fine complement,” Isaac, 94.
“Fucking cumdumpster ditchpigs!” shouts Margo, 91.
Following yet another impressive victory, Sektor walks into a triple threat match at Bottomline vs. Clay Byrd and Teddy Palmer.
“We understand John Sektor will defend his championship against a man we are asking him to join alongside. However, we assume there will be no problem whatsoever and John willingly accepts this CLEAR demotion to 4th player status in our co-op,” Fuse remarked, outlining himself, Teddy Palmer and Darin Zion as the first 3.
It is believed if Sektor joins GL360, Bottomline would pivot to Clay Byrd vs. Teddy Palmer w/ John Sektor for the vacated LSD Championship and the Re-FUSEd tag match would change to three-on-one, Conor Fuse, Teddy Palmer & John Sektor vs. Sutler Reynolds-Kael.
“After my grandfather kicked the bucket at the hands of Murder Daddy Mayhem, we realized John may be a fish outta water. He’s more than welcome to be coddled and loved in both our tremendous organizations,” Fuse reassured.
“#RALLYSektor!” Zion likely screamed.
The Gamers and Elders eagerly await Sektor’s response.
— — — — —
You never got back to me when I ripped you a new asshole for being old, over-the-hill and attached to Jatt’s hip. I had your DLC room waiting, where you could be with the Elders and yours truly. But you chose to ignore me, do your own thing and then have a strong showing at War Games. You followed this up by tossing the tag team aside, defeating my buddy Teddy and capturing the LSD Title. Add on successful title defenses vs. Steve Harrison and Darin Zion, proving your worth as a technical masterpiece and someone who can still perform at a high level.
So I guess you were listening to me after all, smiley face.
John, you’re good. Damn good. Of course I don’t have to tell you that, you’ll do that yourself. Since the day I realized you were Jatt’s best pal, I’ve wanted to knock you for a loop because I thought he could do better. I was wrong.
But yes, join us because I so silly. You see, I am emulating Sutler Reynolds-Kael! Oh boy! I’m a spoiled brat. I come up with fucking dumbass ideas like “hey drop what you’re doing and join me so you can be Player Two in my destructively awesome campaign”. I am a self-serving knob goblin who won a world championship at twelve-years-old. My aunt-or-something hires strippers to suck my tiny peepee when I successfully make people tap in THE SUTLER METHOD. Joy. I hire pathetic family freeloaders to do my bidding for me because deep down and I mean deeeeeeep down inside, I am a garbage shitbag human being who’s scared to be on my own and show the skill my biological father birthed me with, which was harnessed by my step daddy. Oh, how I miss step daddy, heh. Asking you to join me is so ignorant because you’re obviously gonna say no. Why on earth would you say yes? Kill your heat, yeah okay that’s a solid idea. Be a subservient to this defiant, sick gamer. We can play Mario & Luigi. FINE, TWIST MY ARM BUD, you’d be good with that because you were the Luigi to Jatt. Otherwise, jOiN mE is the most pointless idea I’ve ever come up with. And I once locked myself in a toddler’s bedroom for five days because I wanted to channel Hughie Freeman’s mentality when he was imprisoned inside Alcatraz.
Stupidest idea I ever had.
“Until now,” SRK chimes in.
Anyway my LSD Champion, I’ve given you added fuel to fire… if you even want to acknowledge me this time.
So yeah, join the Gamers. OMG you’re gonna love it too ya ‘lil motherfucker, your wrestling style is legit. Teddy, Zion and I could learn so much (this is an honest comment, not tongue-in-cheek). I simply fly around the ring. Would be awesome to be with a hard hitter.
Okay, now the goofy, annoying, over-the-top cringe nonsense my arch nemesis talks about but in gamer code.
Join join join. You can hold my controller when I don’t wanna play anymore. You can watch me defeat all the awful video games in my library like Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties, ET for Atari and Sonic the Hedgehog PlayStation reboot, among other PURE TRASH SHIT. I don’t simply play the good stuff, dude. Gotta diversify. It’s kinda like I don’t wrestle all the good Bosses, either. Hi Bobby Dean LOL! John, you can accompany Darin Matthews-Zion to the ring in valet gear. I have a quaint little number you’d look just smashing in. Red and black designed, got it directly from Nintendo in their VR section. You’ll look so cheeky and adorable. What are you waiting for? It’s clear this is your density.
…I mean your destiny.
Fun Back to the Future joke for you there. Call me George McFly.
But that’s what we’re gonna do, John. Turn back the clock. Shave that mustache off you Victor Newman doppelganger and let’s make you look at least ten years younger.
I’ll boot up a John Sektor Facebook account. Twitter. Insta. All that good shit. Snapchat for dick pics to Jatt so you two can stay in touch. Bumble so you can wrangle up old ladies with your Tom Selleck looks. YouTube account to platform preach and be the social media influencer you’ve always dreamed of becoming.
You can be a special admin in my gaming Discord channel. UNLIMITED XP. Super great server, no need to boost. Ban ANYONE at a moment’s notice. YOU. HAVE. THE. POWER.
And then you get the gaming consoles!
With Gamers Loco you can’t go wrong. It’ll scream “JOHN SEKTOR REBOOT!!!” What an awesome, SUREFIRE, can’t miss opportunity we are giving you.
Almost forgot, you only have 24 hours to reply. BAHAHAHAHA fucking joke store. What a timeline I’ve set for you! Sweating in your boots already! Oh boy oh boy oh boy! I am such a mischievous artist!
Has your mind melted yet? My brain is fucking fried.
24 hours, JMKS.
We can activate an account for that, too.
… … … … …
Parking lot to the Little Caesars Arena
August 8, 2021
“He got me again. He’s always one step ahead!” I shout profusely into the other end of the iPhone. A few hours have passed since MAXKAELJr. knocked me out and Sutler Reynolds-Kael laid into me pretty good afterwards. Funny thing was, I was on my way towards a more serious, passionate speech!”
“Easy buddy, relax…” the voice on the other end says as I continue to pace.
“No! I won’t! This is where it ends. I’m sick and tired of seeing this punk kid continue to 1-up everyone and I don’t mean that in a pun-intended way.” I continue rambling but I can tell the person on the other end of the line is growing tired.
“It’s fine,” he says over and over in-between what has to be sips of alcohol.
“Again, NO. It’s not fine…” I pause as I finally feel like I’m collecting myself, pull the phone from my ear and see a notification pop up.
It reads: “Re-FUSED LXXI Card Announcement!”
And then I scroll through it.
“Nothing is fine right now but you know what…” Although I’m not in front of a mirror, I feel a faint, evil smile across my face. “It will be. It will be very soon.”
The other end of the line doesn’t give me a response.
“Meet me at the coordinates I’ll be texting to you after I terminate this conversation.”
Again, no response but I know he hears me.
“This is gonna be worth it.”
I hear a sigh. That’s all the confirmation I’ll need.
“Okay, goodbye. See ya in a few hours.”
… … … … …
August 8, 2021
“What the fuck am I doing here?”
Teddy Palmer sways in front of me. He was on the bottle last night, that’s for sure and now it’s hangover time. Either way, he seems much more loose than he was last night. And MUCH more loose than the previous times we’ve hung out.
We’re in an abandoned warehouse. I’m not giving you the location but trust me, I have some good shit here. I’ll reveal over time.
We walk to a corner of the dim lit room.
“Listen,” I begin, “We are booked in a tag match, as you know. Me and you against Sutler and Sektor. Goes without saying. Oh and the cowboy guy is ref. The one who talks more annoying than Zeb or I, if you can believe that. Haha, Believe That.”
Teddy scratches his head at the last part of my sentence.
“I don’t know, feels like something Sutler would’ve said. Anyway… jokes aside, we could really do some damage. And I’m not even talking about our opponents, okay? I’m talking about tag team wrestling. I love tag team wrestling. Big Boss canceled those tag belts faster than the monster universe Tom Cruise’s Mummy movie was supposed to inspire. Sorry, I’m side tracking. Listen, win YOUR LSD Championship, I’ll take Sutler’s World Title… and we could be Tag Team Champions, too! Revive the division! Take this match seriously, even if our circumstances aren’t as serious. Because who knows how Clay is gonna call things. And who knows what help Sutler has lurking around… the… corner…”
Slowing my speech down is deliberate. I want Teddy to turn his head before IT runs into him.
Bump, Teddy stumbles. Too late.
“What the fuck?” Palmer says, on a knee looking at what hit him. It was a light knock but the formidable object has unforgiving force.
Ted looks at the looming figure. Then to me.
“This is your Game Boy, right?” He asks; I grin.
“Yes and no,” is my response as I stand in front of The Mini Boss and smack my former “manager” on his rock hard chest.
If you’re tuning in for the first time, let me give you a quick refresher.
340 pounds of pure muscle
SNES themed luchador mask
Basically a serial killer
“This is our response to MAXKAELJr, the dumbest BOT in the land,” I begin. “Sutler thinks he’s fresh and original but has actually been emulating ME from the start. The Son of Scions thinks he’s a step above the rest. WRONG. That’s me. When I first came to HOW I brought The Game Boy with me. He was the perfect equalizer, the ultimate cheat code. Well, I am proposing for ONE NIGHT ONLY The Game Boy returns! He will be in our corner during the tag match. I’ve recharged his batteries and his settings have been reset to KILL MODE. We’re going straight back to the future. Harkening to my initial plan where The Halo From Hell lay waste to everyone in sight! After a few months I dropped his act, telling Game Boy he couldn’t be my manager anymore because I was into this noble, do-gooding thing but come August 14th… do-gooding is on hiatus.”
Teddy’s expression hasn’t changed. I know I gave him WAY too much information for a person with a hangover.
“He’s real, right?” Teddy turns to me.
“Yes, dumbass.” I look up at The Game Boy. “Do something, my mini master.”
“Well, he’s conserving energy right now but wait. MAXKAELJr. is six-foot-six. Game Boy is six-foot-six. MAXKAELJr. is a big boy. Game Boy is the biggest boy!”
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. “There’s one minor change. TGB will no longer be known as The Game Boy…”
Teddy plays along. I think he’s craving a drink so he realizes this is his only way out. “Okay…”
“The Game Boy will now be known as THE GAME BOY!”
Silence. Teddy is doing his best Mini Boss impression I see.
“THE GAME BOY!” I cry once more.
“That’s the same name,” Teddy exclaims and I digress.
“No it’s not. The Game Boy is not THE GAME BOY. I am giving him an ALLCAPS name, similar to MAXKAELJr.”
“Well I can’t SEE you talking in all caps, fuck,” Teddy’s voice trails.
“You can’t hear it in my voice?” I inquire, making my way to THE GAME BOY. I look through his luchador mask. I see the intensity in his eyes. I know he’s been waiting patiently on the sidelines for a moment like this. He’s been wound up for a year, wanting to let loose. My silent assassin won’t say shit but we’re telepathically linked and I know he’s thanking me right now.
“Only MAXKAELJr., okay?” I say to him, “you have to leave the others to Theodore and I.”
There’s the SLIGHTEST twitch of his head. I know he’s registered my request.
I put my arm around Teddy. “Isolate MAXKAELJr. and we’re free to take the legal men down. Sutler and Sektor get theirs while at the same time we show tag team wrestling matters. Ya with me?”
Teddy pinches his nose but gives me a wink. “Yeah, man.”
Teddy, GAME BOY and I walk off.
“Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads…” my voice trails.
“Roads? What the fuck are you talking about? I didn’t say anything!” Teddy snaps.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
WEAPON GETTED THE OFFICE OF
HIGH OCTANE ELDER SCROLLS HUMAN RESOURCES
Storage Room B Gaming Room Human Resources Suite 360
This is a formal REDACTED announcement for John Sektor to join Gamers Loco 360 and the Elder Scrolls.
Go straight-up fuck yourself buddy. You can’t sit with us.
Forget the 24-hour rule, it’s done. John Sektor is not allowed to be a part of the soon to be greatest faction in the history of HOW.
YOU HEAR THAT!?
“We carefully reviewed Sektor’s resume and we realized we don’t wanna commit,” Prime Minister and Pac-Man high score legend Conor Fuse told reporters moments ago. “He’s not welcome in Gamers Loco.”
However, discussion on Sektor’s eligibility for the Elder Scrolls is still pending.
“Unfortunately given John’s age he will always qualify. Nevertheless, do we really need another old timer in ES? We’re already at capacity,” Conor commented once more before he left to beat the shit outta some Japan kids in Mario Kart 8.
Gamers Loco 360 would like to extend its sincerest condolences to JMKS and wish him the best in his future endeavors.
The ReFUSED LXXI tag team match is, therefore, a go and not reformatted to the dreaded three-on-one. Sektor will team with World Champion SRK vs. Gamers Loco 360 and one day soon to be #ANDNEW HOW Tag Team Champions, Teddy Palmer and Conor Fuse. Clay Byrd, please call the match right down the middle!
With a GAME BOY on the Loco side and a MAXKAELJr. on the other, who knows what boundless fun these groups will find.
We’re going Back to the Future.
Real tag team wrestling.
Conor’s “manager” returns.
And Teddy’s drinking again!
*Sutler, seriously dude, get bent. Imma club your head off your shoulders so fast and I won’t use the Head Stomp to do it, either. This is Level 1 in my game for you. Can’t wait for us to finally square off one-on-one for the World Championship at Bottomline, either. Then you can see Levels 2-8. But first, I come at you with a hot, bullshit take. Weapon Get your mentality. Weapon Get your annoyingness. And then, in two weeks, I’ll be more serious and shut you TF down forever. I will smash your teeth and pull your hair. Take you over my leg and give you the spanking your daddies should’ve given you a long time ago. Maybe I’ll throw ya a few curveballs, too. Put myself in a vulnerable position so you can breathe hot fire. Always more fun when wrestling in Bowser’s castle than battling in a quaint harmless grassland. Big brat silver spoon SRK has his educational moment. “Wow I lost!” says Sutler as he’s being coddled by MAXKAELJr. and Chloe Sektor-Ryan-Moregrimes-WhatevertheHell-Inbred-Hick-She-Is. But hey, I’m ahead of myself here. Chill, Conor, chill. This is a footnote after all. See ya in the tag match!! Oh yaAaAaAaAaA!!!