It’s midnight in the Windy City. Chicago is alive with lights and gunshots as per usual. High above the street in his lofty, safe apartment, the ever sexy Mikey Unlikely sleeps in his bed. Wearing his Mikey Money footie pajamas, he’s curled up next to a body pillow that looks like his tag team partner Jesse Fredricks Kendrix. He’s wearing a retainer in his mouth and snoring loudly.
On the nightstand, his cell phone lights up with a phone call. Shuffling in the bed, he’s quickly awakened by the ringing. He bolts upright and removes the sleep mask from his face. He fumbles for the phone in the dark and finally gets a hold of it.
Looking at the called ID he’s a bit alarmed. It’s the nanny he hired back home. Without pause, he answers the phone and his voice makes a guttural sound trying to break through the sleepies.
Mikey Unlikely: Ursula! What is it!? What would you be calling about so late…
His voice trails off. His head dips as she speaks. He runs his hand through his hair, clearly distraught.
Mikey Unlikely: How did it happen? When was this?
He stands up and starts pacing back and forth as the details are given to him. Ursula speaks quickly. She’s obviously panicked.
Mikey Unlikely: Thank you for letting me know. I can’t believe she’s…. She’s gone! Oh man…
He looks up at the ceiling searching for answers but there’s nothing there but popcorn molding.
Tears well up in his eyes and soon the waterworks begin. He tries to hold it back while on the phone but he’s unable. He asks a question he’s not quite ready for the answer of.
Mikey Unlikely: Have arrangements been made?
He waits for a second but there’s silence on the other end.
Mikey Unlikely: Ursula!? URSULA LISTEN TO ME, DAMMIT! Have arrangements been made?
She speaks back to him in short bursts. Confused and nervous.
Mikey Unlikely: Ok, Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it! I’ll try to handle everything from here. No, no, no you’ve done enough. Thank you for calling, I appreciate you letting me know.
She tries to tell him it’s going to be alright.
Mikey Unlikely: Thank you! You’re too sweet. Also Ursula… You’re fired. Yea… uh huh… well I don’t need a nanny if well… you know…. Hello? Hellloooooooo?
She hung up.
Mikey throws the phone across the room and it explodes against the wall. He stomps over to a nightstand next to the bed. Opening it he pulls out another phone and starts to text someone. The camera zooms in on the text. It’s to Kendrix.
“It’s my daughter…”
Dressed in a tuxedo Mikey Unlikely straightens his tie in the mirror. He checks his hair and puts on some sunglasses. His eyes are red and puffy from crying. He’s clearly had an emotional day. He sings in his head.
“I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath. Scared to rock the boat and make a mess!”
From behind we see Kendrix walk up and put an arm on Mikey. He too is dressed to the nines so to speak.
Kendrix: You ready, Bruv?
A quick shake of the head and Mikey looking at his own shoes tell JFK everything he needs to know. He needs his Bruv now more than ever.
Mikey Unlikely: How can you get ready for this? How do you prepare yourself to face…THIS! I never thought this day would come, at least not until long after I was gone, Jesse. You never want to be a parent in this position. You hate to see it.
He sniffs trying to retract the snot back into his nose. His lip trembles. Unlikely’s hands nervously go back to his tie. JFK knows what’s happening…
“So I sat quietly, agreed politely, I guess that I forgot I had a choice”
He’s stalling. He can’t face it.
Kendrix: Mikey… We’ve been bestest Bruvs for a long long time. I know this is hard. Hell, it’s impossible. But what would she want? How would she think to see you in this state? She wouldn’t want you here upset with what you’re missing out on, she would want you to cherish the time you had together. She would want you to go forward, put on that handsome face of yours and CELEBRATE the time you had together. I know it wasn’t long enough. I can’t say anything to change that and I’m so so sorry Mikey. This is damn impossible, but we’re going to get through it like we always do.
JFK sticks his fist out.
Unlikely tries to smile through the tears. He breathes heavy trying to collect himself.
“You held me down, but I got up, already brushing off the dust!”
His fist meets his Bruvs and they hold it there for a long time.
The pair share a hug as well. A rare display of emotion from the real Hollywood Boys.
Mikey Unlikely: Let’s do this!
They move to exit the room and a man in a tuxedo opens the door for them.
“Get ready cause I’ve had enough, I see it all now”
Inside the next room is a large laptop opened up on the table. Jesse and Mikey both take a seat at the table right in front of the monitor. Once again Kendrix places his arm around Mikey and pushes him playfully, letting him know he’s right there with him. No matter what.
The laptop screen lights up with the Zoom logo. A meeting is about to begin. Mikey takes a deep breath and hits the “JOIN MEETING” button. On the other side is a minister standing over a smaller than normal closed casket. They are in a large auditorium but the crowd is very sparse. The minister finishes his prayer over the casket. He gives a quick speech about forgiveness and innocence, about fleeting time, and treasured memories. Finally, he gets to the end and asks if anyone has anything to say.
Mikey quickly moves his finger over the mousepad to the “Raise Hand” button.
The minister hears the PING noise and looks to the Laptop. He expected Mikey to say something and so they’ve hooked up the feed to large screens in the auditorium.
Mikey Unlikely: I want to thank everyone for taking the time to come out today and remember my precious…
His chest tightens up.
Mikey Unlikely: My precious child. I also want to say goodbye the right way, and even though I couldn’t be there in person, I wish to pay my respects. Priest… please open the casket.
The room falls silent as the older man moves in front of the small final resting place. He slowly lifts one side of the casket lid. He gives last rights and moves away. Once he’s out of the picture we can finally see the deceased.
Her black hair shines in the light and it takes Mikey everything he has not to cry out. Finally, he can’t help himself. He starts breaking down.
Mikey Unlikely: Kitty Purry! You’re the best cat a man could have ever had! I can’t believe you’re gone, after 15 long years together. You’ve been there through thick and thin, through wet food and dry! You were there through UTAH and DEF. It’s amazing how much we went through together. Remember that time on the set of Amsterdam, when you snuck under the crafts table and shat everywhere? They couldn’t figure out the smell for DAYS! So many good memories. You were such a great pet, and now…. Now all I have is your collar. I’m going to hang it where I can think of you all the time. Where it will remind me of the good times. I love you Kitty Purry! Our true feline bruvette.
Unlikely starts to sing out loud as tears run down his face.
Mikey Unlikely: ‘Cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion,
and you’re gonna hear me roar
OH OH OH OHHHHHH
WHY AREN’T YOU SINGING?!
Mikey nudges Kendrix in the ribs with his elbow but he realizes that Jesse is biting on his own fist trying to keep his own tears in check. Removing his fist from his mouth, he tries his darndest to bless the congregation with his beautiful, British singing voice.
Kendrix: You’re gonna hear me ro…ro…
That’s it, he broke, the manly man’s tears are flooding as Jesse cries into Mikey’s shoulder. The comforter has now become the comforted.
Mikey Unlikely: There there, I know Kitty Purry meant the world to you too. WHY AREN’T YOU ALL SINGING??!!!
Having turned his fury towards the congregation on-site the church begins to sing along to Kitty Purry’s favorite song.
GET. THE. FUCK. UP!
The voice echos off the high school gymnasium walls. In the center of the gym is a wrestling ring where Hollywood Superstar and High Octane Talent, Mikey Unlikely lays on the mat breathing heavily. He is wide-eyed and shocked by the look of things. The red tracksuit he wears is clinging to his body as if he’s soaked.
On the far wall, we can see the high school team logo. Faded and peeling away in one corner. The ring that sits on the orange floor is only a foot and a half off the ground. It has 4 ropes instead of three and a single large turnbuckle pad in each corner.
Otherwise known as a boxing ring.
The man yelling is standing over Mikey. Wearing black shorts and combat boots he stands sweating without a shirt on. Mikey’s grimace on the mat just makes the man angry as he yells again.
“I SAID TO GET UP!”
He spits down towards Mikey but misses him slightly. This motivates Mikey to get up, albeit slowly.
Mikey Unlikely: I NEED A BREAK!
The man smiles a bit before yelling out “NO BREAKS!”.
Mikey Unlikely: Oh my god, this is brutal, someone turn the air conditioner on! My lungs are only used to breathing in the very best recycled air-conditioned air.
The man looks over to the gym tech and laughs. Unlikely fans his own face as he struggles to get back to his feet. He leans over the top rope, and grabs a water bottle sitting in the ring, opening it, he sips, swirls it around his mouth, and spits it out, then takes another long cool drink, trying to replenish his fluids. Finally he pours some over his head to cool off.
Mikey Unlikely: That’s why you’re undefeated! You got the cardio to Cardi-Go!
Trainer: That and I’ve never had a wrestling match…
Mikey Unlikely: I’ve heard it both ways. Do we really have to keep doing this? Can I pay you extra to just call it a day?
A vigorous shake of the head.
Trainer: I’ll take the extra cash, but we’re not stopping now! You told me you wanted PEAK physical condition. We’re going to get you there.
Mikey Unlikely: How about the side of the mountain condition? Almost to the top but not quite! Sounds good enough to me Bruv.
The trainer is about to have Mikey start a new set of in-ring workouts when the double doors to the gym burst open. Through it walks everyone’s favorite English Wrestling Star. Jesse Fredricks Kendrix!
Mikey Unlikely: OH THANK GOD! I hope you have the Frappes because this guy is insane! I know we haven’t been wrestling much Jesse, but this is out of hand. I didn’t think it meant we had to work HARDER when we workout!? You know me, I work smarter, not harder!
Jesse waltzes up to the ring with a smile and a couple of frapps. Kendrix sports a brown leather jacket and black pants. His shoes click-clack against the floor of the gym.
Kendrix: Listen, Yeah?! If we’re going to win back the High Octane Tag Team Championships I told you we need to be in tip-top shape.
The trainer nudges Mikey.
Trainer: He even does the “Listen, yeah?” thing to you?
Mikey and Kendrix look at each other confused by the question mainly because why the hell wouldn’t Jesse say that to Mikey?
Mikey Unlikely: Oh yea! Most def.
Unlikely fakes a smile to the trainer then turns to Kendrix and shrugs, mouthing “I don’t know”.
Kendrix gestures to the trainer for a moment and grabs Mikey by the shoulder.
Kendrix: Will be right with ya, bruv.
Safely out of earshot Jesse whispers to Mikey.
Kendrix: Bruv…where did you find this guy? He seems a bit odd. I mean…Listen Yeah?! I’ve always said that!
Mikey Unlikely: Yeah but I said it first…wait?! You said it first!
Kendrix thinks for a moment, this exchange doesn’t usually happen or go on this long…but he realizes that he did indeed say it first.
The trainer cuts them off.
Trainer: Look you guys hired me to make you better. To get you in better shape. To get you ready for the tag match. In your own words, you’re a little rusty! Let’s get to work.
Mikey looks at the double doors that JFK came from before taking a long drink of his frapp. He tries to figure out if he makes a run for it, if he could get to the door before the trainer got to him. He quickly dismisses the notion.
Mikey Unlikely: Nah mate. JFK and I have other plans. This was fun, we appreciate the training…but WWSD.
The trainer wants to ask but Mikey answers before he can.
Mikey Unlikely: What would strippees do?
Kendrix: Let me tell you what Strippees do. They work damned hard for the money. They are on the grind from sundown to sun up. They live the life of rockstars, and that’s what we’re going to do!
Trainer: Strip for Money?
The Bruvs both grimace. Consider it. Then grimace again.
Mikey Unlikely: NO! Of course not. We’re men! Manly Men! Manly men who don’t strip for money! Manly men who are going to defeat Jatt Starr and John Sektor for the High Octane Wrestling Tag Team Championships, Dammit! We’re talking about giants in the industry. Men who have been around for many years!
Kendrix: Yea random trainer guy! These are High Octane Legends! Now I know that doesn’t mean much outside of Chicago, but nonetheless, they’re a big deal here dammit!
Jesse looks around, hurriedly until his eyes light up upon seeing a table on the other side of the gym.
Kendrix: Wait here!
Mikey and the trainer watch on in awe at the speed at which JFK legs it towards the table. When he gets there…an almighty thud clatters around the building as he drops his fist down hard against the wood.
Mikey Unlikely: Gotta love that emphasis when the man makes a great point! Listen, fella, We’re the Hollywood Fucking Bruvs. They can say our name wrong, they can pretend we don’t matter, because we know better. We know the games. The Best Alliance is another slapped-together tag team from yesteryear trying to get one last run out the business before their legs finally give out. You see it all the time. Yes, Jatt Starr was a big star! When I was 12. John Sektor was a hell of a wrestler…. In 2013. We’ve come a long way since then. The Bruvs are no longer rookies, we’re no longer bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!
Kendrix looks back at where his tail would be.
Mikey Unlikely: We’re the greatest tag team running. We’re the ONLY full-on tag team that’s been around these parts since Red and Ted split. This is what happens to places when the Bruvs leave. We build up the prestige of the Tag Team Titles. The Bruvs move on to the next challenge and when we look back in the wake of our former runs we see two singles stars slapped together for the sole purpose of “Keeping up with the Tag Titles…” Well we’re not token singles stars. We’re not past our prime, we’re a well-oiled machine ready and willing to take on all challengers. We know this is a wet dream of Lee Best’s. He wants to see his current stars take on his former stars… I don’t blame him, on paper it’s an amazing matchup!
JFK Nods along.
Mikey Unlikely: Unfortunately for Jatt and Sektor, they can’t beat us on paper. They can’t beat us with their HOW history, their title runs, their big matchups with others… NONE of that matters now. We’re not intimidated by any of that. All that matters is what happens at March To Glory. You can have a terrific career, but if it ends in embarrassment then what legacy do you leave behind? I think that’s what Jatt and John have to think about. They have to understand that this is what they’re going to be remembered for… Losing to the Bruvs. You hate to see it, Christie.
The trainer looks confused. He looks around the room and mouths “Who’s Christie.” But the Bruvs have already made a beeline for the door. Frapps in hand, the workout is clearly over.