A Regular Jattsanova

A Regular Jattsanova

Posted on November 17, 2023 at 7:50 pm by Jatt Starr

Backstage at the Wells Fargo Arena.  As Mike Best tosses the HOW World Championship into river, the Sultan of SeaJattle is backstage, packing his official “StarrSek Industries” duffel bag preparing for his exit from the arena.  For the past forty minutes his phone has been vibrating in his jacket pocket.  He pulls out his cell.  Natalie’s name lights up the screen.  The Baron of Boca Jatton snaps his head back.  As he looks at the water stain on the ceiling that suspiciously looks like Croatia, he questions whether or not he should answer.  Nataliie will undoubtedly be pissed hearing how much he hates Conor, how he hates her son more than he loves her.   After a deep sigh, he resigns himself to answer the phone. 


JATT STARR: Natty baby!

NATALIE: What the hell!


NATALIE : Seriously!  What the hell!

JATT STARR:  I can explain everything!

NATALIE: Are you trying to make a fool of me?  Do you think—

JATT STARR:  Hey!  Hey!  Give me—

NATALIE: —-think I’m stupid???

JATT STARR:  —a chance here!

NATALIE: Rhonda texts me that you’re making out with that-that-that….WOMAN in front of everyone!  

JATT STARR: Rhonda?  She’s a drunk!  

NATALIE: I also heard that from Jill, Russell, Lizzie, Parvati, Viv, Taishawn—-

JATT STARR: Okay!  Okay!!!  Yeah!!!  But we were NOT making out!  It was a kiss! 

NATALIE: You admit you-you-you KISSED her!!!

JATT STARR:  I would not even classify it as a kiss!  It was a peck!  It did not mean a damn thing to me!  It was all show business!  You know, adding a little gasoline to the fire for my big LSD Championship match! You have to get these people emotionally involved!  Did you even see it?  The kiss?

NATALIE:  You know I have hot yoga on Mondays.

JATT STARR:  Just watch it!  You’ll see!  It was disgusting!  I nearly vomited from feeling her mouth stitches! Besides, how can you kiss someone who lacks the ability to kiss back?   She is a freak!  You have nothing to worry about, baby!


There is a pause on the other end of the line.  The Jattlantic City Idol can only wonder what is going through his wife’s mind.  It also confounds him that she seems more bothered by the kiss than the threats he placed against her weenie son.  How long has it been?  Five seconds?  It felt like five minutes but she finally breaks the silence.


NATALIE: You should not refer to her as a “freak”.  She’s clearly had a rough life.

JATT STARR:  I am sorry, you are absolutely right.  

NATALIE: Do you have any idea—

JATT STARR:  Look, look, look….sometimes, in this business, you have to make choices.  Some choices are good, some are not…so…good.  I got wrapped up in the moment.  I was trying to sell tickets, I’m main eventing!  For the LSD Championship!  More tickets, more viewers equates to more money.  I regret that I did it.  You are the love of my life and I am sorry.


JATT STARR: Hey, when I get back, let’s go to that restaurant, the one by Lake Ontario.  You know the one, where we saw that guy from that show you like?

NATALIE: Yannick Bisson.


NATALIE: It would be a start. 


NATALIE: But don’t think for one second that your “Starrship Sexpress” will be given entry to the Natalie Tunnel.

JATT STARR: It’s “StarrLITE”….”StarrLITE Sexpress”.

NATALIE: Either way.

JATT STARR: Look, I have to finish getting my things together. I will call you when I get back to the hotel.

NATALIE: Alright.

JATT STARR: Love you, Natty baby.

NATALIE: Love you too.  


The Mayor of ManJattan disconnects the line and looks at his phone for a moment.  Did she buy it?  Natalie is as smart as she is scorchingly hot.  Once trust is broken it will be hard to regain it and he would need that trust in order for his scheme to work in the way in which he intends.  For now, though, he has bought himself some time.  Through a slight twinge of guilt, a slight smirk creeps across his lips.  The moment of satisfaction, however, is short lived.  From behind him, Jatt Starr hears the sounds of sniffling and what he can only assume is the muffled sounds of a baby bird dying an excruciating death.  He places his phone in the pocket of his Final Alliance Letterman’s jacket and turns his head towards the noise.


JATT STARR (muttering to himself): Ahhhhhh bleep.  


The Champion of Jattanooga turns towards his valet.  Ezster has snot oozing out of her nose and her cheeks are waterfalls of tears.  That slight twinge is now growing in intensity.  She looks away from Jatt Starr who approached her cautiously af if she were a feral Shih Tzu.


JATT STARR: Ezster, Ezzie, Ezzzzzz….what is with waterworks.


The HOW Hall of Famer places a comforting hand on her shoulder which bats away with her and turns towards him.   There is sadness and fury in her topaz colored eyes.   




With malicious intent in her eyes, Ezster looks towards the pocket containing his phone and makes a very aggressive grunting noise, like a gorilla after breathing in Helium.  Not that it would take Sherlock Holmes to figure it out, Ezster is clearly distressed over Jatt Starr’s phone call with his wife.  The specifics on what she is exactly upset about are unclear as she begins waving her arms around, pointing at her lips, pointing at him, pointing towards the door, and more incoherent arm movements.  Rather than allow this unintelligible game of charades to continue, he takes her into his arms, embracing her.  She struggles to break free from his grip before relenting and wraps her own arms around him.


JATT STARR: You heard my conversation and I said some things.  About you.  I made some insensitive and offensive remarks about you.  I apologize.  I did not mean anything I said to her about you.


The HOW Classic loosens his bearhug on his shorter and ganglier associate.  She looks up at him, her eyes revealing her agony.  Jatt Starr wipes her left cheek with his right thumb and smiles slightly.


JATT STARR:  I know you have some great affection for me.


Ezster shakes her head and places her hand over the “B” on her chest and then places her hand on Jatt Starr’s chest.   Ezster looks earnestly at the Prince of Jattvia.  Jatt Starr is surprised by Ezster’s honesty (but not completely shocked, he is Jatt Freaking Starr, after all).  He drops his jaw and widens his eyes, feigning surprise (hoping he is not coming across as too disingenuous.


JATT STARR:  I-I-I….uh….I had no idea.


Ezster frowns slightly (the stitches being somewhat prohibitive with her mouth movements) as she caresses the Grand Overlord of Jatturn’s cheek.  


JATT STARR:  I have to admit, I am taken aback by this news.  I have to admit….I am flattered and I cannot deny that I have developed some feelings for you, as well.


It is Ezster’s turn to look surprised.  She quizzically tilts her head as if the words have not yet completely registered with her.


JATT STARR:  Don’t you see?  I could not let my wife know my true feelings for you.  I had to obfuscate them by making it seem like kissing you was a vile, disgusting experience.  Nothing is further from the truth.  Look, look, look….


The Rembrandt of Wrestling takes Ezster’s hands in his and looks at her.  


JATT STARR:  When we were in that ring earlier tonight, I meant every word I said.  Devotion matters.  I see you.  I see how devoted you are to the Ruler of Jattlantis.  Do you think that I would want to spend the rest of my life with some dumb bitch who does not support my career?  Do you think I would want to continue waking up next to someone who-who-who would rather spend her time thinking about how successful her dweeb son is over cherishing the moments she has with a legend?  Heck no!


The Thane of Starrkarth drops his head.  He knows he has to be delicate with what he has to tell Ezster next.  If there is one thing that is abundantly clear to Jatt Starr: Ezster is completely loyal to him.  


JATT STARR:  Make no mistake, I love Natalie.  But, but, BUUUUUUUUT……I realize that she is not the right person for me.  The right person for me is standing in front of me.


Jatt Starr could not believe that schmaltzy, hokey line came out of his mouth.  It took all he could not to kick his own ass.  As awful as that line is, it seems to work as Ezster’s normally pale complexion becomes bright red.


JATT STARR: Unfortunately, we cannot consummate this relationship in any physical way until after I become the LSD Champion.  


Ezster shrugs indicating that she does not comprehend that statement. 


JATT STARR:  I grew up Catholic. Infidelity is frowned upon.  So is divorce, come to think of it, but the Duke of Jattmandu is no cad.  I am not some dirtbag cheating butthole. Once I take Pacito, cave Conor Fuse’s skull in, and pin him one-two-three, all while his mother is off doing hot yoga, in other words, not supporting me, by the way.  The next morning, a courier will knock on her door and present my Nattie baby with a harshly worded letter and divorce papers which I will have signed in Conor’s blood.  The papers are all drawn up, once I sign those papers, I will be free of her.   And all yours, Ezzie baby.  And the first order of business will be to remove those stitches.


Ezster’s eyes begin to well up with tears again as she brings her hand to her lips, gently running them over the stitches.  She proceeds to point at Jatt Starr and then a scissor motion.  


JATT STARR:  Oh heck no!  I would want a medical professional like a dentist or a doctor or a vet do that.  I would not want to do anything to hurt you, even if it is unintentional with the purest of intentions. Ezster, right now, you are the only person I can trust.  The only one I can rely on.  You are the most important person in my life.  Yes, even more important than my PWA Co-World Champion, Dan Ryan. 


The Earl of GlouStarr’s contorts into a visage of disgust as if he were witnessing an army of maggots crawling out of the rectum of a bloated corpse.


JATT STARR: You saw how he was carrying on with Mike Best last week.  If I had not interrupted, I am almost certain he would have dropped to his knees and started tonguing Mikey’s Tic Tac scrote sac.  


The Jatti Master shakes the thought away and returns his gaze to Ezster who has placed her hand in his.  She begins to grunt and groan, attempting to verbalize…..something.   Jatt Starr places a finger on her lips.


JATT STARR: Sh-Sh-Shhhh.  Don’t speak.  This isn’t about him.  This is about you and me and the LSD Championship.  Once I have that gold around my waist, it’s you and me.


Ezster looks up at Jatt Starr and smiles slightly.  What can only be described as an impulse, the Jattinum Standard leans in and, sensing what is about to happen, closes her eyes and he kisses her.  Maybe it was the feeling of her stitches against his lips or maybe it was the thought of what her teeth will look like should he use his LSD Championship bonus to get those stitches removed but Jatt Starr cringes with revulsion as his lips lock with hers.  He pulls back.


JATT STARR:  Did you feel that?  Electricity!  I can honestly tell you, that has never happened to me before.


Ezster wraps her arms around Jatt Starr.  She slowly lets go of the Marquis of MadagaStarr and takes a step back.  Her eyes serious.  She points at Jatt Starr then gestures with her hands breaking a stick then points to her heart and pauses before pointing at the case containing Pacito and then mimicking beating a (possible) dead horse with it.  Then she points at Jatt Starr’s head.  Jatt Starr could feel a slight cold shiver up his spine.


JATT STARR: Hey baby, trust me.  You and me.


There is a gleam in her eye as she makes a noise that almost sounds like giggling before wrapping her arms around Jatt Starr’s neck.


JATT STARR: Okay, okay….cool your jets.  I’m the LSD Champion yet.  Get my bag.


Ezster let’s go of Jatt Starr (again) and excitedly nods.  As she grabs the Duke of Jattmandu’s bag, Jatt Starr starts to regret leading Ezster on the way he is.  But, he rationalizes, it might be a deception now, but who knows exactly how he will feel about her after winning the championship and signing those divorce papers in Conor Fuse’s blood.  Maybe there is a future there.  And maybe she will go completely psycho bitch on him and his dead lifeless and penisless body will be found somewhere in the Pine Barrens weeks later.

Eh….that’s not his problem, that’s future Jatt’s problem.