A Redneck and His Robot Buddy

 

Allies

 

Friends, brothers, soldiers at arms…however you want to look your partner in the eye and define him…or her as.

It does not even need to be as a tag team but who you consider someone you would fight a bloody battle inside the ring with.  This is my way of covering myself because I don’t need Grandpa Powerbomb to take umbrage with me saying we are not buddies.

SURPRISE!

We are unlikely partners because someone rolled a six instead of a four, we are more like stuck with each other but that doesn’t mean I am going to take my ball and go Arthur Pleasant.

I will get in the ring and work for a victory even if my partner would rather make people bleed then actually get a three count on someone.  When is the last time he pinned someone anyway?  If it was against Lee Best, then so be it at least I can respect that after I worked with that cheap motherfucker.

Steve Harrison walks alone like Darin Zion to the Movie Theater.

Like Bobby Dean into a podcast.

Like Clay Byrd into a PRIME real estate venture.

Like Jatt Starr (Simon??? Does anyone care?) going anywhere because nobody likes him, and he is an out of shape pervert.  I guess those would go hand in hand and trust me do not shake that sweaty hand of his.

I think it is obvious I am saying that I have zero brotato chips inside HOW these days.  Someone stole my bag and handed it back to me empty like Conor Fuse’s DMs.  Could you imagine the kind of lonely you would have to be to message that guy?  It is like tattooing a big thumbs down on your forehead.

Oh…hi Darin.

It just makes me think, what does it take to make a new ally in HOW?  I feel like everyone has someone to watch their back that they trust, and I wouldn’t mind someone who isn’t Jack Marley making sure JJR doesn’t try to rub BBQ sauce on me and eat me.

Then we have the MVW team of a Stevens (ugh) and a——ROBOT?!?!

Representing that huge promotion out of Missouri where they might not like each other but it is all about getting respect for a hillbilly place where you can still see Joe Bergman if you hate yourself enough to want to see him.

I feel sorry for you.

MVW, fuck off.  For real I am sick of having to humor each of these backwards thinking morons.  No, I don’t care if you have more kids then rooms in your house.  No, I don’t care that your whole family wrestles because they could read well enough to get out of Junior High.

I will stand up to these invaders because Steve Harrison is an upstanding citizen!

What?

You don’t believe me?

Do you think I am joking?

Eh, yea, I don’t give a shit about HOW, but I do care about my own health.

At least you have each other…right?

Heh, lame.

 

—

 

A Redneck and his Robot Buddy: The Beginning.

 

Look everyone it is Boo Stevens (Jack Marley dressed in his finest crappy apparel) walking through a garbage dump in some piece of shit redneck town in Texas. He is part of the Stevens clan walking in a dump may as well be a picnic for these idiots.  Oh no he tripped on something.

 

Boo Stevens: Ouch, gosh dangit, I tripped on somethin hard.

 

Boo looks down and see a metal arm sticking out of the ground, he pulls on it and some horribly put together robot (Bender from Futurama toy) comes flying out of dirty diapers and trash that is less disgusting than Scott Stevens in the hall of fame.

 

Boo Stevens: Weeeelll shit, I reckon I found me some scrap metal, imma pay that there rent on time, yeeeee haaaa.

 

BEEP BEEP BOOP, Boo jumps back surprised at the noise.

 

Boo Stevens: BY LUCIFERS GHOST!

 

The Robot sits up from the grime that make most of us throw up but if you are a member of the Stevens clan it is like a Hawaii Vacation.

 

Not Really Ultratron 6.1:  BITE MY SHINEY METAL ASS!

 

Everyone pauses as Boo Stevens looks around confused and then shakes the robot and it stops talking.

 

Boo Stevens: Uh…

 

Not Really Ultratron 6.1:  Um…just kidding, human, are you my new friend?

 

Boo nods enthusiastically as he hasn’t had a friend that wasn’t a family member and who knows if his brother is his dad or his cousin is his daughter, it is a family tree with no leaves.

 

Boo Stevens: That would make me happier than a tornado in a trailer park!

 

The Robot freezes, it is just a toy in Jacks hands now, so I apologize for ruining your sense of wonder, Conor.

 

Not Really Ultratron 6.1:  That does not compute, are you speaking English?

 

Boo Stevens: I am as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.

 

Not Really Ultratron 6.1:  Errr…error, human, my sensors indicate you might be having a stroke.

 

Boo shakes his head and holds his hand out and lifts the amazing Ultraman 6.1 to his feet (so the bender robot is on the ground now leaning against a rock).

 

Boo Stevens: Awww shucks, only stroking I know is when I watch two men rasstle inside the ring!

 

Boo makes a motion we usually make when Mike Best is patting himself on the back repeatedly to the detriment of every other member of the roster.  One love, my dude.  Bald is beautiful by the way.   

 

Not Really Ultratron 6.1:  That…uh…does not compute.

 

Boo Stevens: This is what I be talkin bout.

 

Boo pulls out a wrestling magazine, because of course–he is goddamn member of the Stevenspedia gang Afterall.

 

Boo Stevens: This is what gets me from soft to hard, fella.

 

Not Really Ultratron 6.1:  OMG!  You might not know this, human, but my prime function is to take over the world…as a WRESTLER!

 

Boo Stevens: I might not talk good, think good, or gosh darnit do anything good but even I think that sounds crazy bananas.

 

Ultratron 6.1 stops all motion as he seems to be deep in thought about somehow being insulted by Boo. 

 

Not Really Ultratron 6.1:  I AM THE NEWFANGLED PHASE CYBERTRONIC ILLEGALLY SILLY ROGEU EMOTIONAL ROBOT WRESTLING MACHINE!  I will not be insulted by the likes of you!

 

At least we don’t have someone running around yelling erase, I am not that cruel of a Miracle Man.

 

Boo Stevens: That’s a lot of dem words I don’t get in my thinky head.

 

Not Really Ultratron 6.1:  WE WILL RUN THE WORLD BECAUSE I AM THE GREATEST WRESTLER EVER!

 

Boo Stevens: Man, I be having trouble even running the dishwasher, but I reckon you can’t be too great if I found you in the dump.

 

Not Really Ultratron 6.1:  My creator Boner Juice when not using Warp Whistles to find himself a date told me The Seniors would back up his plan for domination and that being the greatest wrestling robot on the planet would give us victories!

 

Boo looks as confused as anybody who is watching this nonsense, but I think we can all understand that Conor Fuse is trying to create an army of sentient Robots to help him keep the HOW title because who in their fucking mind would think a wrestling robot would bring you world domination?  Not even a Stevens could wrap their huge skulls around that.

 

Boo Stevens: I am from rasstlin royalty myself, have you ever heard of the Stevens Family?

 

Not really Ultratron gives a hardy Robot laugh.

 

Not Really Ultratron 6.1:  So, the world of wrestling has more then ONE royal family, huh?  That would track in my processors because even with the huge amount of knowledge I have in my robot mind I cannot find the Stevens as any sort of wrestling royalty.

 

Boo Stevens: Will they say you can only hang one dog a day you know?

 

Not Really Ultratron 6.1:  Who says that?

 

Boo Stevens: The armadillo with the Zebra back.

 

The robot starts shaking looking like it is going to explode with trying to process whatever new hick saying is coming out of Boo’s herpes infested mouth.

 

Not Really Ultratron 6.1:  Er…beep…so will you help me with my wrestling take over?

 

Boo Stevens: Hell yea, weez gunna show them what’s what.

 

Not Really Ultratron 6.1:  Excellent…and we will start—IN MISSOURI!

 

Everyone stops and looks at the camera and winks because who the hell would even want to live in Missouri better yet need to take it over with wrestling? 

 

Boo Stevens: Missourey is gunna feel our greatness!

 

Boo shakes Ultratron’s Bender hand and they look in each other eyes and realize this is more then a partnership and each give each other a sheepish grin.  Steve Harrison walks over and kicks the Bender toy and tosses Jack into some trash.  He looks at the camera and shrugs.

 

Steve Harrison: I have to lay off the painkillers.

 

Jack stands up and picks up the Bender doll.

 

Jack Marley:  The blunt might have been laced.

 

Steve Harrison: Oh…you don’t say?  When haven’t you messed up these days?

 

Jack pushes the Bender toy with a smile on his face.

 

Toy: Hey, Sexy Mama. Wanna Kill All Humans?

 

Steve smacks his head in annoyance and then knocks the toy out of Jacks hand.

 

Steve Harrison: See, this is why I need someone other then you in my life.

 

Fade

 

—

 

It is a love story of the ages, how an inbred met his robot lover and then had his dad?  His brother?  His son-husband? Put some sentences together that would even make Doozer cringe.

I wish I could BO-Lieve that I will never have to listen to the Stevens klan ever again.  Yes, klan with a K, I think we know why.

I seem to have come back to HOW a tad too nice because these worthless wastes of my time have the gal to question my accomplishments and my…knee?

Really?

-.- -. . .

KNEE!

Please, I beg you, go after my knee and then feel it go through the back of your skull.  I am begging you two malnourished brain rotting idiots to come after my knee.  Fuck it, at least try to lay a punch on me because I am bored right now and a laugh, they say is good for your soul.

Do Robots have souls?

I sure know you would have sucked it out of him by now if he did.

I am just going to assume that anything Cary says is what Bo would say if he had a functioning mouth that wasn’t glued to Ultratron’s exhaust pipe.  Yea, I might be going a tad overboard with the gay jokes, but can you even be gay with a robot?

Requiring Darin Zions want to know.

I love that to somehow form any resemblance of an insult you had to say Cancer Jiles carried me to our tag title reigns.  Love to hear what the over under was on how many takes it took you to say that without laughing.  Fuck out of here with that nonsense and even if it were true… what is your point?  What titles have you won in HOW that make your opinion on my Tag Team Glory relevant?

Your family could get snuffed out tomorrow and nobody would bat an eye because longevity does not mean good and consistent does not mean talented.

The best buzz words in the world to make sure someone doesn’t cry have been used on your crew for over twenty years.

“Keep trying, you are close.”

Close to extinction but, I will give you credit because you hillbillies never give up even when you lose a member to Mike Best and watch with blind eyes as he is thrown to Steve Solex like a sack of potatoes.  Truth is the kid got the best hand in the family because now he isn’t a member of it.

I doubt it would take more than ten dollars for you to spew out the weak point on that rambling robot partner of yours.  That is at least two cans of Kodiak, right?

There is always a weak point.

There is always a bucket of water.

There is always a way to trip him so he cannot get back up.

There might be a little midget inside in a robot suit?

Look, I am not sure anymore man.

If and this is a huge IF that Ultratron 6.1 is an actual wrestling robot I feel like I should be allowed to do whatever the hell I want.  I am not putting my health on the line to punch metal, I mean how heavy is he?

What happened to Utlratron 1.0 through 6.0?  These are all questions we need answered because who is to say that those versions didn’t harm humans?

I will save humanity because lord knows that Steve Harrison is a man of the people.

I will pray to God because I guess that is something I do now per Cary Stevens amazing understanding of me and all my prayers will come true.

That is the type of man you are dealing with, Robot.  I will take advantage of any weakness you have and help all humans stand against your tyranny.  It will start in a wrestling ring because I guess you think this niche audience is easy to influence.

Hah.

You are not wrong, but you will still be seen as a joke especially after you leave the ring with one leg and no head.  Kostoff might even be jealous about that last one.

And can someone tell Sunny Callahan that we don’t need to see highlights from matches that just happened?  I didn’t want to see it the first time and I sure as hell don’t need to see it a second time.  You should be happy this isn’t a contest of keeping fans attention because the moment your names are mentioned a groan and remote click are heard at the same time.

I will not be a steppingstone to your ridiculous group of imbeciles.

I will destroy a Stevens…again.

I will destroy a robot and melt him down for scrap.

Steve Harrison is going to win and thus Kostoff will win and reap upon Bo’s carcass.

Miracles!!!

Sure.

I mean…whatever.

Sayonara!