Mike, let’s recap why you suck.
You don’t have a million gaming trophies.
You’re not the king of your discord channel.
People don’t think you’re cool outside of wrestling.
You haven’t beat Metal Gear Solid 3 on European Extreme.
You’ve murdered a guy.
You swear a lot.
You’re totally mean.
You listen to nobody.
You hog all the titles.
You own all the awards.
You adopted a kid.
You have no more co-op.
You’ve fought your own co-op.
You don’t even know what a TV Tennis Electrotennis is.
You think knees are better than thumbs.
You secretly like Dan Ryan.
You pick on the “special needs” BOTS frequently. (Okay, this one’s kinda cool.)
You don’t get in touch with your inner emotions.
I think you need mental health counselling.
No one in this industry likes you.
You always brag about winning.
Did I mention you’re scary?
The colour black doesn’t work on you.
You’ve dated multiple women.
You’ve actually had sex with them, too.
There are cooties all over your body.
You bully people on playgrounds.
You don’t take no for an answer.
You always go chalk on the roster.
You gave up video games for wrestling.
Jiles beat you for the World Title. (#ChangeMyMind)
You look like a wannabe gangster.
You won’t stop pumping your tires.
You don’t take any cool chill pills.
You act like HOW is Grand Theft Auto.
You don’t hold the high score in Tetris.
You won’t say a nice thing about me.
You’re basically a locker room cancer.
Pretty sure I could beat you in fantasy football.
Others can’t stop mentioning you, it’s creepy.
How do you still have your hair? You’re like 34.
You think you win all of your matches beforehand.
Even if that above point is true.
You don’t look as cool as you used to.
Your knee is too deadly a cheat code.
You always hold belligerent grudges.
You work for your dad.
Dude, I am outta breath LOL.
Listen, Mike, in another world maybe we could be friends. An angry dude like you, a super fun guy like me, we’d make it work. We’d hang out a lot. But not in this world.
In this world you blow, hard, ya blow hard.
I’m gonna give you a minute to take this all in. Being told this is a TOUGH pill to swallow, I know.
You also smell funny.
Oh, and you’re dumb.
You gotta admit I’m bringing the heat. FIRE FIRE FIRE.
You good? Of course you’re not. We all can’t get a perfect score in PAC Man. But we’ll all get a shot at your World Championship soon. Winky face.
It’s lonely at the top, Mike. Don’t worry, though… hug that world title. I’m sure it keeps you warm at night. Daddy, too.
My discord friends are always there for me. And I have lots of other online friends. They keep me metaphorically warm. It’s the best kind of warm.
Oh and my mom supports me. She’s okay. It’s nice to have a nuclear family to lean on.
So I hope this was a rude awakening. I have all these awesome things and nothing to lose. Of course you’re the Boss of trash talk… but I’m the Boss of video games. And I won’t back down from ANYTHING, even if it’s foreign to me.
But after we play in your world, I won’t hold grudges. I’m a wonderful guy. We can switch systems. You’re welcome to come by and multiplayer with me while my mom bakes chocolate chip muffins for us.
Why do I say this to you after berating you SO HARD, bro? Because even through your annoying greatness, you’re finally starting to show cracks in your armour.
I saw a cold and calculating man get EMOTIONAL, apologizing to his “friends” when he thought he might die at the hands of another. I saw him show weakness. I saw him walk into the Best Arena and let the crowd hurt his feelings.
And now I see he wants to go speedrun on everybody. HOFC. World Title defenses.
Are you looking for your Game Over?
Because I think you are.
Add that to my list above:
You want to be put out of your misery.
Hi Mike! [Waving] I might game but I also wrestle, too and I don’t cut corners. #IGameGood
KNEE me back soon! I’ll be waiting.