A GIFT!

There was a buzzing sound followed by the sound of ringing bells when Dan Ryan pressed the doorbell as the outside light flickered.   The Victorian home, built in the early twentieth century, was in the middle of nowhere in Upstate New York.   The peeling paint of the siding and the webs with the carcasses of recently deceased insects had Dan questioning who was in charge of maintaining this property and , more importantly, why Jatt Starr had invited him here to discuss their upcoming PWA Tag Team Title defense.

 

Dan Ryan turned around and looked out towards the evergreens across the field, their peaks outlined in the purplish dusk sky.  Dan, dressed like a Secret Service agent, began humming “American Girl’ by Tom Petty when the door creaked open behind him.   He turned and nearly jumped.

 

Standing in the doorway was a woman who looked to be in her seventies hunched over in a pale blue housecoat.  Her eyes were milky white and her skeletal talon-like hands were clutching her walking stick.  As she spoke Dan noticed she had probably lost more than a couple of her front teeth.

 

BLIND WOMAN:  Father?  Is that you?

 

Dan Ryan uncomfortably looked to his left and then to his right.  It would be safe to say that Dan Ryan was feeling a twinge of discomfort in that moment.   The Old Blind Woman tapped on the wooden porch with her cane.  

 

RAP!  RAP!  RAP!

 

The Old Blind Woman leaned her head forward into the porch and began sniffing the air all around the door.

 

BLIND WOMAN:  I smell you.

 

Dan Ryan cursed himself for using too much aftershave.  As he was about to speak up, the Old Woman appeared to be staring at him with those empty, white eyes, she proceeded to lick the air in front of her.

 

BLIND WOMAN:  You’re no priest whomever you are.  Be gone!

 

For the briefest of moments, the PWA Tag Team Champion considered stealthily making his getaway, but something inside of him relented and, for reasons even unknown to him, he spoke up.

 

DAN RYAN:  Do you…happen to know…..a Jatt Starr, by chance?  He gave me this address but I’m thinking he probably got it wrong.  He can be a bit of a bimbo at times.

BLIND WOMAN:  Ahhhhhhh…..

 

If Dan Ryan wasn’t ninety-seven percent sure that the old bat was blind he could swear he could make out a look of recognition in her eyes.  She extended her hand and waved him over to him.  If Dan Ryan was a lesser man, he would have soiled himself right then and there.  Dan Ryan promised himself that should he end up murdered and buried in a ditch somewhere he would haunt Jatt Starr’s life.  

 

Dan Ryan took a couple of steps forward and the Old Woman grabbed his hand.   She smelt of rotting flesh and Ben Gay, her hands felt like sandpaper against his face.  She grabbed his tie and a look of confusion crossed her face.  Dan Ryan surmised it had not been the first time considering her age and demeanor.

 

BLIND WOMAN:  You are not wearing a bowtie.

DAN RYAN:  I know?

BLIND WOMAN:  You’re supposed to be wearing a bowtie.

DAN RYAN:  I didn’t know it was mandatory.

 

Jatt had specified that it would be highly recommended to “don” a bowtie.  Dan thought he was joking because everyone knows that unless one is attending an awards show, only nerds wear bowties – academics, psychiatrists, engineers, mathematicians, and the like.   Besides, Dan did not like wearing bowties and he made that abundantly clear to Jatt when he plainly said “No”.

 

BLIND WOMAN:  Follow me.

 

The Blind Woman hobbled into the house followed by Dan Ryan.  The door closed behind them with what Dan heard as “clang” and the foul odor of must and old people’s urine invaded his olfactory senses.  The foyer was dimly lit but he noticed the burgundy and yellow paisley wallpaper peeling off the walls.  The Old Blind Woman, her head as straight as possible, made a left into the living room.   

 

BLIND WOMAN:  Have a seat. 

 

The Blind Woman extended a hand towards the living room.  Dan Ryan waved his hand in front of the Old Blind Woman’s face.

 

BLIND WOMAN:  Do you like Carvel?

 

Dan Ryan jerked slightly.

 

BLIND WOMAN:  We have Fudgie the Whale.

DAN RYAN:  No thanks.

 

The Old Blind Woman exited saying nothing.  Dan Ryan entered the living room.  Upon a quick scan, he noticed three mounted heads of wombats above the fireplace.  The mantle is covered in aged photos.   Sitting across the fireplace, motionless, was Jatt Starr in his 97Red red and black checked suit (NOT wearing a bowtie, it should be noted), staring intently at a glass resting on the coffee table in front of him.  Dan Ryan took a seat in the antique chair next to the couch and cleared his throat which caught his PWA Tag Team Co-Champion’s attention.

***************************************************

How long had the Mayor of ManJattan been staring at the iced tea the old woman miraculously served him without spilling a drop?  Ten minutes?  Twenty?  Was there even iced tea in that cup?  It could just as easily be some form of poison or worse….dirty pee pee water.  Luckily, the gutteral sounds of Dan Ryan clearing his throat snapped the Baron of Boca Jatton from his worried hypotheses.  

The King of Jatten Island looked over at his PWA Co-World Champion and his heart sank to to lower intestine.

 

JATT STARR:  Dan….

DAN RYAN:  Jatt….whyyyyyyy the helllllllllllll am I heeeeeeeeeere?

JATT STARR:  Where is the bowtie? 

DAN RYAN:  I told you I wasn’t going to wear one.

JATT STARR:  I specifically told you to wear a bowtie.

DAN RYAN:  You highly recommended.

JATT STARR:  Yeah, which means wear a bowtie.

DAN RYAN:  “REC-O-MMEND-ED”.

JATT STARR:  I specifically stated that—

DAN RYAN:  Do you even know what “recommended” means?

JATT STARR:  It is important.

DAN RYAN: I wasn’t going to wear a bowtie.  I would never wear a bowtie. I don’t like wearing bowties.  I am not a nerd, dammit.

JATT STARR:  If you screw this up…..

DAN RYAN:  I don’t even know what this is.  I thought we were gonna discuss Evan Ward and Rhys Townsend.

JATT STARR:  Alright, so I may have brought you here under false pretenses.  But we can certainly discuss the Roidhead Ronny and Dingleberry Doug after we finish up.

DAN RYAN:  Why did you bring me to the “Hills Have Eyes” house?

JATT STARR:  I was thinking more “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”.

DAN RYAN:  I am not getting raped and murdered by a bunch of inbred hicks.

JATT STARR:  They aren’t from the South, Dan.   This isn’t Alabama.

DAN RYAN:  If you don’t start talking, I’m walking.

JATT STARR:  Did you sign those divorce papers yet?

 

Dan Ryan’s entire face clenched as if he were constipated and attempting to drop a deuce.  The Thane of Starrkarth knew the risk of hitting a nerve but he had to ask.  The whole meeting was dependent on it.  Dan spoke slowly and threateningly to his tag team partner to the point where Jatt Starr felt a twinge of panic in bladder.

 

DAN RYAN:  That.  Is.  None.  Of your.  Business.

JATT STARR:  I know, I know.  But, see, I am in a bit of a quandary here.   About six months ago, before you and I partnered up to become the most dominant tag team in the history of the universe, one night I was drowning in a pool of misery and being an alcoholic, it is not like I can enjoy a twenty year scotch anymore, so I did something I probably shouldn’t have.

DAN RYAN:  What in Lee’s name did you do?

JATT STARR:  I went online….I don’t even know how I got there….I was just looking up music, you know, something to really enhance the mood, some Chicago, Tori Amos, Lana Del Rey….

DAN RYAN:  Lord….

JATT STARR:  I don’t even know how I even got there.  But I placed an order…..

DAN RYAN:  I’m assuming this wasn’t Amazon.

JATT STARR:  I ordered a bride.

DAN RYAN:  Wait…what?

 

The Danaconda looked more confused than the Old Blind Woman in a circular room full of doorknobs.  Jatt Starr looked over his shoulder towards the hallway and then back towards Dan.  The Jatti Master leaned in and began talking in a hushed tone.

 

JATT STARR:  Look, it was stupid, but, in my defense, I was lonely, the apartment was a mess, it was really bad.  Someone had to clean it up and maybe, yeah, no was taking a ride on the Starrlite Sexpress, so, yeah, I did it.  I ordered a bride online.

DAN RYAN:  You ordered a woman online to clean your house and have sex with you?

JATT STARR:  When you put it that way, it sounds nefarious. 

DAN RYAN:  What the hell, Jatt?! 

JATT STARR:  So, naturally, after Natalie and I had our little Vegas wedding, I sort of forgot about it until yesterday when I was informed that my package had arrived.   Of course, I could have easily just ignored it, but then…..I thought of you….

DAN RYAN:  Oh no…..

JATT STARR:  I figured you are getting a div…..

 

Dan Ryan glared daggers at the Starrabian Knight.  It would not have surprised Jatt one iota if he had begun bleeding from the eyes and anus the way Dan Ryan was looking at him.  It was almost insulting….in fact, it was insulting!   Jatt Starr was looking out for his best bud, his good time boy, his companion in kick-assery.

 

JATT STARR:  Look, I’m doing this for you!  You’ve been moping about like a sad sack and, if we are be longterm PWA Co-World Champions, we need to be simpatico.  The way I see it, you need a new wife and you could do worse.

DAN RYAN:  Have you even seen this woman?

JATT STARR:  Well, no….but—

DAN RYAN:  She could be a real uggo.  She could have giant yellow, rotted teeth, a hundred warts, a crater face, a unibrow….oh God…a unibrow….

 

Dan Ryan involuntarily convulsed at the thought of the unibrow as Jatt Starr squirrely looked around like a junkie about to take a hit in the middle of a PTA meeting.   Dan Ryan began waving his hands in the air and shaking his head.

 

DAN RYAN:  Not interested, no thank you.

JATT STARR:  It is not that simple.  I’m going to level with you.  They expect a wedding here and now.  And, I do not mind saying, these people freak me the fuck out.  We are talking about European crime cartel type stuff here.  If a wedding does not happen, I worry I might be in a worse position than those beavers on the wall.

DAN RYAN:  They’re wombats, Jatt.

JATT STARR:  Those things are real???  I thought they were indigenous only to Tatooine.

DAN RYAN:  Shut up.  So, you’re plan was to get me married to Swamp Thing?

JATT STARR:  She could be attractive!   You don’t—–

 

The Savior of Starrkham was interrupted as a booming voice with a thick East European accent came from the doorway.   Upon hearing it, Jatt Starr and Dan Ryan both turned to see a large bearded man wearing a sweat and possibly blood stained sleeveless shirt showing off his tattoos of multiple decapitations – some human – and a gold chain with what appeared to be a lump of flesh attached.

 

LARGE MAN:  WELCOME.  I AM ZOLTAN.  

DAN RYAN:  Charmed.

JATT STARR:  This is a lovely home you have—

ZOLTAN:  Thees is no my home.  Thees is friend of family.

 

The six-foot-eight inch behemoth of a man stepped in front of the fireplace and turned around, eyeing both men in front of him.

 

ZOLTAN:  So, you want marry my girls, yes?

JATT STARR:  Well, see, the thing of it is—–

ZOLTAN:  What is this?  You think Zoltan is fucking asshole?   Huh?

JATT STARR:  What?!  No!

ZOLTAN:  Where is bowtie?!

DAN RYAN:  What’s the deal with everyone and this bowtie?!  Bowties make my head look huge, okay?!  I look like fucking Q-Bert in a bowtie!  Everybody happy?!

ZOLTAN:  My girls do not marry anyone unless they wear bowtie.

JATT STARR:  You keep saying “girls”.  I’m already married….and we’re not Mormon.

ZOLTAN:  No!  You only pay for one girl, you marry one girl.  You choose.

JATT STARR:  What if….and this is a BIG what if….we changed our minds?

ZOLTAN:  You no like my girls?  You too good….for my girls?  You not even meet them yet.  

 

Jatt Starr noticed the large man’s fists tighten into giant wrecking balls.  As talented as the Ruler of Jattlantis is in the ring, he knows his limitations.  A father filled with rage towards anyone that would dare insult his children is not a man he would like to take on.  Especially  this guy.

 

JATT STARR:  I don’t think that, at all.   I would never think of offending your daughters.

ZOLTAN:  They are no my daughters.  They are my girls.  I would snap puny neck if you come near my daughters.

JATT STARR:  Which would be completely justified.  

DAN RYAN (to Jatt):  What are you doing?

JATT STARR (to Dan):  I don’t know.  Stop me.

DAN RYAN (to Jatt):  Let me handle it.

 

Dan Ryan smiled confidently as he rose from the chair, he adjusted his tie, brushed his jacket.  He looked down at Jatt, nodded, and before he could turn, the Champion of Jattanooga grabbed his arm.

 

JATT STARR (to Dan):  Oh my gosh!  You are about to ditch me, aren’t you?!

DAN RYAN:  Whaaaaaaaaaaat?  Noooooooooo…..No.

ZOLTAN:  SIT DOWN!  NO ONE LEAVE UNTIL MERCHANDISE SHOWN!

DAN RYAN:  Mister Zartan—-

ZOLTAN:  It ZOLTAN!  And you SIT!!!!

DAN RYAN:  What’s that on your necklace?

ZOLTAN:  It is ear of last person who tried to fuck Zoltan.  No one fucks Zoltan.  

 

The Jattinum Standard’s eyes grew wide with fear.  He mouth the words “It’s a fucking ear” to Dan Ryan who flippantly waved at him to shut the hell up.  Jatt Starr looked at Dan and was wondering what he was thinking out.  Perhaps he too was looking for a way out of this.  When Jatt pulled up in the Uber, he knew this was a mistake, but his heart was in the right place.  Besides, that forty thousand dollars was not refundable.  He had to try.   But at that moment, he second guessed his decision.

 

ZOLTAN:  Mariska!  Music!

 

A woman, almost as tall as Zoltan, with her gray hair in a bun and a cigarette hanging out of her mouth entered with the assistance of crutches.  Jatt Starr noticed that the woman, most likely Mariska, was missing her ring and pinky fingers as well as her left foot.  She spoke in an accent similar to Zoltan’s but had a raspy voice as if this were fiftieth anniversary with Marlboro.   The night was becoming increasingly unsettling for the Hero of Jattlanta, to be sure.

 

MARISKA:  Which one?   

ZOLTAN:  Upbeat Techno Beat Mix Two.

MARISKA:  No.  There is no bowtie, which one is husband?    

 

The Duke of Jattmandu jerked his head towards Dan Ryan who was now sitting in the chair, no doubt focused on whatever escape plan he had been concocting.

 

MARISKA:  The little one looks like he has small penis….

 

Jatt Starr, feeling increasingly anxious the longer he sits on the couch that had a strange scent, a combination of patchouli and cat urine, crossed his legs and turned away from the middle aged crone.  He looked over at Dan Ryan who now had his head down and eyes closed.

 

MARISKA:  ….okay for Csilla but no good for Bela.  She would not feel it.

ZOLTAN: SILENCE!  SEND IN GIRLS AND START MUSIC!

 

Mariska exeunts and Jatt Starr turned his attention back towards Zoltan whose smile flashed black and brown rotted teeth.   The Marquis of MadagaStarr stifled a gag.  Suddenly, the sound of Euro techno garbage music being sung in a language unfamiliar with Jatt Starr.  Zoltan bit his bottom lip and began thrusting his hips forward as Dan Ryan leaned over.

 

DAN RYAN:  Did he say “Godzilla”?

JATT STARR:  Shut up.

 

Dan Ryan silently chuckled, his shoulders bouncing up and down.  Jatt Starr backhanded Dan in the arm.

 

JATT STARR:  Stop it.

DAN RYAN:  This is insane.

 

Zoltan dramatically spun around towards the two men.

 

ZOLTAN:  Introduce first…..Bela!

 

A buxom young woman entered the room wearing a lace bra and panties.  She must have been in her twenties but looked to be ten years older.  She had a daze on her face as if she did not know where she was.  Her short blonde hair was a disceveled, cowlicked mess and apparently cut by a blind hair stylist.   She walked off to the side in front of the living room’s entrance.

 

JATT STARR:  Is she okay?

ZOLTAN:  She is very, how you say, spirited.  Sometime she need to be calmed down.  She will be fine.   Next!  We have…..ESZTER!!!!

 

Zoltan danced in the corner as a slender, clearly emaciated woman slowly entered the room wearing a stained satin nightie.  Her head was down, her matted light brown hair covering her face like Cousin It, she shuffled shyly next to the the barely conscious Bela.

 

ZOLTAN:  ESZTER!  LOOK HUSBAND IN EYE!

 

The woman looked up with wide amber colored eyes, Jatt could see the pain and agony within them.  Then he noticed it…..her lips were stitched together causing him to jerk back.   He looked over at Dan who was covering his face.  There was a feeling forming inside of his gut….was it nausea?  Was it the oysters he had for dinner?   Was it pity?  Abject terror?

 

JATT STARR:  What is going on with her mouth?

ZOLTAN:  Don’t worry.  You just feed her through straw.  She learn not to talk back.

DAN RYAN:  What the hell is this?

ZOLTAN:  AND FINALLY…….CSILLA!!!!!

 

Another woman entered the room.   The age could not be determined.   If this were the nineteen fifties she would be sold to a freak show and labeled the “Dog Lady”.   Her entire body was covered in hair.   The vision horrified the Sovereign of Starrgentina to the point where he involuntarily curled to the farthest end of the couch and yelled…..

 

JATT STARR:  WEREWOLF!

ZOLTAN:  No werewolf!  CSILLA!

DAN RYAN (to no one in particular):  Less “Zilla” and more “King Kong”.

ZOLTAN:  She has rare skin disease.  MOVE DOG!

 

Csilla let out a barely audible sob as Zoltan shoved her towards her fellow brides-for-sale to the entryway.   Zoltan looked at Dan and Jatt, rubbing his hands together expectantly.  It was in that moment Jatt Starr formulated a plan.  Not a great plan.  Not even a good plan.  But it was something.

 

ZOLTAN:  Well?  Choose.

JATT STARR:  Oh.  Wow.  This is ….Dan?

DAN RYAN:  I don’t think I could choose between these…um…”ladies”?

JATT STARR:  I think what my friend is trying to say is that he is well acquainted with these ladies.

ZOLTAN:  “Acquaint”?  What “acquaint”?  You pay, I give you choice of women.  Now you choose.

JATT STARR:  I just feel that before I can commit to someone I would like to actually converse with them.

ZOLTAN:  Converse….

 

Zoltan eyed Jatt Starr up and down as the techno pop music continued.  Zoltan sniffed and rubbed his nose.   Silently, the Grand Overlord of Jatturn was hoping he would leave.   Zoltan held up a finger.

 

ZOLTAN:  I give you two minutes.  You fuck girls, you fuck me.  You fuck me?  I. Fuck. You.

JATT STARR:  And no one wants that, I assure you.

ZOLTAN:  So, I come back, you choose and you marry?

JATT STARR:  Yes.  Absolutely.

ZOLTAN:  I go find bowtie.

DAN RYAN:  I’m really getting sick of bowties.

 

As Zoltan left the room, the women allowed him to pass, their heads down, subservient to him.  As soon as he left, they took their position at the door, staring at the two strangers in the room.  Jatt Starr smiled over at the women unable to hide how completely shitty he felt for them.  Bela did not react, Eszter recoiled back slightly, and Csilla did, well, the Jattinum Standard could not tell through all the hair.   Jatt Starr went over to Dan Ryan and quickly explained his plan.

 

JATT STARR:  Here’s our chance to get out of here.

DAN RYAN:  This is absurd, you know that right?  What do we do about the two chicks and the Chewbacca over there?   They’re blocking the exit.

JATT STARR:  Time is of the essence.

 

The Ruler of Jattlantis had to make a split second decision and looked at the women.   You do not become an HOW Hall of Famer being indecisive.  He turned urgently back to Dan Ryan.

 

JATT STARR:  Alright, I’ll take out the hairy one and the thin one, you take out the spaced out one, and we book it for your car.

DAN RYAN:  Yeah.  Let’s do this!

 

The Sultan of SeaJattle immediately bolted towards the door, he charged the women, as if they were going to be run down by the Starrlite Express but instead of spearing them in half, he picked them up and ran towards the door.  He did not happen to notice Dan Ryan, with the power of a thousand suns, laying out Bela with a right hand.   

Jatt Starr, carrying two women who were flailing to break free, managed to open the door and made a b-line towards the car.   He turned around to find Dan Ryan alone and through to the arms and legs thrashing about him and spitting out Csilla’s hair….

 

JATT STARR:  Where’s the other one?

DAN RYAN:  You told me to take her out, so I did.  Bam!  One punch.

JATT STARR:  That’s not what I meant!

DAN RYAN:  Oh!  Too late now.

 

Dan Ryan entered his car promptly.   Jatt Starr forced Eszter into the car and was kicked in the face for his trouble.

 

JATT STARR:  I’m trying to save you!!!

 

Jatt Starr proceeded to place Csilla into the car.

 

DAN RYAN:  That thing better be housebroken!

JATT STARR:  I’ll be right back!

DAN RYAN:  Where are you going???

 

Jatt Starr ran back into the decrepit house.  At the door, he was met by the Blind Old Woman who he knocked over like a tower of Jenga.  In the hallway, a bloodied Bela laid.  He could hear the booming, furious voice of Zoltan who was speaking a language Jatt could not pinpoint.  Jatt Starr picked up Bela and ran out the door towards the car.

 

JATT STARR:  GO!!! GO!!!!  GOOOOOOO!!!! 

 

Dan Ryan did exactly what he was told and started to peel out of the driveway causing Jatt some panic as he carried the drugged out and knocked out woman.

 

JATT STARR:  NO!!! WAIT!!!!

 

The car stopped and from behind, the Champion of Jattanooga could hear an earsplitting bang.

 

ZOLTAN:  I FUCK YOU!!!!

JATT STARR:  Crap-crap-crap-crap-crap-crap-crap-crap

 

The Scourge of Starrpathia opened the car door and threw Bela into the front seat and hopped into the back where he was met with slaps, punches, and he was pretty sure Csilla but him.   If Dan had seen, he probably would have made a rabies comment.   One thing was for sure, he was not getting his forty grand back.