“A” for Effort, “Pee” in the Toilet

“A” for Effort, “Pee” in the Toilet

Posted on January 21, 2021 at 12:48 am by Jatt Starr



You think THAT’S how my cinematic sci-fi thriller masterpiece should end?!  


Hogwarts and poppycock!


You might as well have Brannigan O’Sexchap grab Bobbi Jo Sweetlips by waist, turn to the camera and wink to the audience before saying something like “And we lived sexily ever after” in a blatant shattering of the fourth wall!   


That would clearly make my brilliant piece of work, a giant pile of crap.   I know you’re either trying to weasel into a co-writer credit on this or you’re trying to get me to spoil the ending.  As if I would tell you the epic plot twist involving M’rracles, the Ruler of the Stevarricles and Damian Pluto.   Or who killed Colonel Vex in the kitchen with the lead pipe?   And what was Professor Vandermeal’s connection to CIA Director Amber Myst?   What does the Shadowy Man with the Plastic Penis know about the ritualistic killings of the milk factory workers? 


You will just have to wait until after the film is completed and showing in movie theatres across America.


I wish I could ban you from all screenings, but we both know that would be pointless.  You would find a way to see it.  Besides, by the time we get to the post-production stage, I will have forgotten all about your petty words and insults. 


Instead, I have a few random thoughts that I know you are just dying to hear about…..


Can Transformers get auto insurance?   And how did Megatron manage to shrink into the size of a gun?


If a werewolf and a vampire had a child, would it be more wolf or more humanoid?  And would it be called a were-pire?  And on that note, would sex with a vampire be considered necrophilia?  


If they made “Blazin’ Saddles” today, would it still be funny?  And conversely, if they made “Freddie Got Fingered” today, would it still be horrible?


How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?   And why aren’t we concerned with how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Blow Pop?


Would you see a movie called “KISS Army of Darkness” starring Bruce Campbell and Gene Simmons?  And if so, who would win?


What ever happened to Debbie Gibson?


Which is the better song?  “The Touch” by Stan Bush or “Dare” by Stan Bush.  Honestly, I cannot decide on that one.  It’s kept me up at nights.  Although, there is something to be said for “The Touch” being sung by Mark Wahlberg in “Boogie Nights”, rather poorly, to be honest.


And should the title of my screenplay be “The Space Milk Destroyers” or something more in tune with the hero’s name like “Brannigan O’Sexchap: Defender of Earth”?  I think the latter has a bit more panache in the same vein as “Flash Gordon”.  Maybe Queen will do the theme song!  I wonder how much they charge?  I am already figuring on an eighty million dollar budget.  I’m pretty sure Chris Hemsworth and Andrew McCarthy won’t come cheap in the roles of Brannigan O’Sexchap and Jace Hardcastle.


Did you know that leeches were used for medicinal purposes in the Middle Ages?  They were used to suck out the infected blood from the patient.  No thank you!  


I’m thinking the sequel will involve space vampires that suck the lifeforce from their victims using their feet.  No, that’s stupid.  Space mummies!  That’sa market that’s dying to get tapped.  Unless “Stargate” did that.  I never saw it.   OH!  I got it!  Space Succubi!  Or Succubusses? Succubussies? Succubus Dragons with the face of a bug!  Maybe a fly or a spider!!!


I always thought RC Cola got the short end of the stick in the cola wars.


You would know this one Steve, what’s it like wetting the bed as an adult?  Is the shame from when you did it as a child still there?  Or are you more used to it now?  Asking for a friend who is due for colonoscopy in a year or two.  I would ask Kostoff but he scares me.


Is Kostoff a zombie?  


Is “Commando” a better movie than “The Running Man”?  Or does it just SEEM better?


If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, how much longer will train A take to travel than Train B if the tree lands on the train tracks?


One more question….


How does it feel knowing that right now, I’m in your head?