Latest Roleplays
A Visitor at the Barn
Six PM.
Joe Bergman sits in his office following a long day at the office.
He’d spent the morning working with the next crop of MVW young wrestlers. Then he oversaw a Bergman’s Barn tag team title match between the champions The Bookworms (aka Dean Barnes and Terry Noble) and the challengers The Kings of the Wild Frontier (Boone Daniels and Crockett Davies). Barnes and Noble would retain but Daniels and Davies impressed Joe a lot. The pair had a ton of potential and natural ability but needed some seasoning in the ring to continue their development.
The afternoon saw Joe get his work in because, oh yeah, he was booked this weekend against his three opponents at March to Glory. Well, technically he was teaming up with Scott Stevens to go up against Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr, but yeah, he was facing his three opponents at March to Glory.
So once again, Joe had Dawn McGill do what she always does- crack the whip on him hard. Bergman labored through an arduous and intense two and a half-hour workout. After surviving the McGill boot camp treatment, Joe then went for an hour-long run on the county road that passes by his acre of land in Plattin, Missouri to relax and recuperate.
Once he returned to the Barn, he went to his office to work on paperwork and other mundane tasks that needed to be taken care of- all part of keeping Bergman’s Barn running like a well-oiled machine. Plus, he also had to confirm his flight plans to New York City for Thursday. Joe would be flying into JFK and then have his pre-show press conference from MSG on Friday.
So as Joe finishes off the final requisition form that needs to be sent out the next morning in the mail…
Ultratron-6.1: Hello Joe Bergman!
…he receives a most unpleasant surprise. ‘The New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine’ Ultratron-6.1 marches through the door and the light inside Joe’s office reflects off his metallic skin.
Joe Bergman: Balls.
But there was more.
The rest of the infamous Kabal of Really Awful People files through the open door and fills up Joe’s office including:
David Litterman- serial litterer who will drop trash on the ground at any time.
Bill E. Zayne- a blatant rip off of actor Billy Zane in the movie Titanic who runs around and shouts out a line Zane says in the movie: “I have a child”
Joe Bergman: Can I help you?
Ultratron-6.1: The Kabal of Really Awful People reporting for duty!
Joe seems confused.
Joe Bergman: Huh?
Ultratron-6.1: We want to join the Evil Empire!
Joe Bergman: I am not part of an Evil Empire.
Ultratron-6.1: But Lee Best said-
Joe Bergman: I’m not part of the Evil Empire.
Ultratron-6.1: But think of it, Joe. The Kabal of Really Awful People and the Evil Empire… banding together and striking fear in the professional wrestling world.
Joe Bergman: Again, I’m not part of-
Ultratron-6.1: First, we will start by eliminating Dan Ryan… Jatt Starr… and that simpleton Scott Stevens.
Ultratron-6.1 shoots his right hand in the air.
Ultratron-6.1: …FOR THEY ARE NO MATCH FOR SOMEONE WHO’S EVOLVED BEYOND THE CAPABILITY OF ANY HUMAN BEING ON THIS PITIFUL PLANET! THE KABAL OF REALLY AWFUL PEOPLE AND THE EVIL EMPIRE- TOGETHER- WILL CRUSH ALL THREE OF THE SNIVELING, PUNY INSECTS!
Joe Bergman: No, wait…
But Ultratron-6.1 is just getting warmed up.
Ultratron-6.1: WE WILL DESTROY THEM AND GRIND THEM INTO INFINITESIMAL, MINUTE PARTICLES OF DUST AND WIPE THEM FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH!
Joe Bergman: I don’t think-
‘Defective’ Marty Pratt: That’s right, Dan Ryan, Jatt Starr, and Scott Stevens will be in for what will be an unfortunate twist…
And the HOW legal department begins to hyperventilate…
‘Defective’ Marty Pratt: …um, arc of circumstance called… ERASURE!
…and then exhales.
Pratt brandishes the oversized pencil and points it at Joe.
‘Defective’ Marty Pratt: …ERASE!
Pratt jabs the eraser end towards Bergman…
‘Defective’ Marty Pratt: ERASE!
…and pretends to ‘erase’ something in the air with the oversized pencil.
‘Defective’ Marty Pratt: ERASE!
Bill E. Zayne rushes into his office holding a My Sweet Love Baby Doll’ strapped into a plastic pink car seat.
Bill E. Zayne: I HAVE A CHILD!
…as Bergman’s patience begins to run out.
Joe Bergman: All right, I’ve had just about enough of thi-
‘Defective’ Marty Pratt: ERASE!
Pratt pretends to ‘erase’ something in the air with the oversized pencil again.
Zayne again rushes into Joe’s office- this time holding up Joe’s two-year-old daughter Olivia…
Bill E. Zayne: I HAVE A CHILD!
Joe Bergman: Put her down…
Joe sees David Litterman casually drop a cheeseburger wrapper on the floor and points at him.
Joe Bergman: …and you pick that up, right now…
‘Defective’ Marty Pratt: ERASE!
Joe glares at Pratt.
Joe Bergman: …and you stop doing… whatever the hell… it is you’re doing.
Ultratron-6.1 commandeers a chair inside Joe’s office and stands up on it.
Joe Bergman: And you! Get down from my-
Ultratron-6.1 makes his grand proclamation.
Ultratron-6.1: THE CHILLING GLEAM COMING FROM MY EYES SHOULD TELL YOU… DAN RYAN… JATT STARR… SCOTT STEVENS… THAT YOU ARE NOTHING IN COMPARISON TO THE RAW POWER OF THE NEW AGE CYBERTRONIC CRIMINALLY INSANE ROUGE SENTIENT ROBOT WRESTLING MACHINE- UNITED WITH THE EVIL EMPIRE…
Joe Bergman: Don’t say that.
Ultratron-6.1: …YOU ARE ALL WEAK, PATHETIC, AND HOPELESS… AN INFECTION THAT RAGES THROUGH HIGH OCTANE WRESTLING FOR WHICH THERE IS ONLY ONE CURE!
Joe Bergman: Okay, that’s not nice.
‘The New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine’ overdramatically thrusts his fist in the air.
Ultratron-6.1: THE RAGE OF ULTRATRON-6.1!
Joe Bergman: Okay. I’m making this clear right now. We will NOT be destroying anyone Sunday night… at least not like that.
‘Defective’ Marty Pratt: And ‘Defective’ Marty Pratt! They must all be…
Pratt pretends to ‘erase’ something in the air with the oversized pencil again.
‘Defective’ Marty Pratt: …ERASED!
Joe Bergman: No!
David Litterman again nonchalantly drops a wrapper on the floor.
Joe Bergman: I saw that!
Ultratron-6.1: TOGETHER WITH THE EVIL EMPIRE, WE WILL BRING FORTH THE TOTAL DESTRUCTION… ANNIHILATION… ERADICATION… THE COMPLETE AND UTTER EXTERMINATION OF DAN RYAN… JATT STARR… AND SCOTT STEVENS!
Joe Bergman: No, no, and again- NO!
Ultratron-6.1: THERE MUST BE CARNAGE! SLAUGHTER! A TOTAL AND COMPLETE MASSACRE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS OF WHICH PRO WRESTLING HAS NEVER SEEN BEFORE…
Ultratron-6.1 raises his hand and points a finger at nothing in particular to make a final grand gesture but he suddenly falls silent.
All eyes turn towards the big screen television inside the office.
Joe had been watching ‘Welcome to Wrexham’ but now the latest Liberty Mutual commercial is on TV with some guy who’s talking in front of a yellow background. He says a ‘catchy song’ helps people remember that Liberty Mutual customizes your home insurance…
The Guy on TV: …here’s a little number you’ll never forget.
Cut to a couple looking at the Liberty Mutual website on their laptop. The far wall opens up and Ultratron-6.1, his mouth wide open and getting ready to deliver the hammer at the end of his diatribe, finds himself staring at a band of four animatronic squirrels singing about the virtues of home insurance.
‘Defective’ Marty Pratt: Uh oh.
Pratt remembers the ‘Great Chuck-E-Cheese Incident of 2022’ when an annoyed Ultratron-6.1 destroyed the animatronic Chuck-E-Cheese band with bolts of energy from his palms.
‘Defective’ Marty Pratt: Um… guys?
Could this happen again?
*KA-BOOM*
Yep.
Joe’s television is utterly destroyed. Debris flies everyone. Smoke fills the office.
Dawn McGill races into the office having heard the explosion.
Dawn McGill: What the hell-
She sees Ultratron-6.1 triumphantly standing on a chair, his palms both still bright red from shooting out the energy bolts.
Then she sees the smoldering hulk of what’s left of Joe’s big-screen television.
Dawn facepalms.
Dawn McGill: Oh dear Lord.
***
The Dress Rehearsal
So, what shall we talk about tonight?
New York City. Madison Square Garden.
What better place to hold the go-home show before March to Glory than at the Mecca of Sports… the famed Madison Square Garden.
You know, it’s not every day that someone gets to step into a wrestling ring, on this stage, and compete against the best of the best. It’s something I do not take for granted- no matter who it is. Last week, I wrestled Bobbinette Carey- HOW Hall of Famer. It was a good match and I prevailed.
This week, it doesn’t get any easier.
This Sunday at Chaos 24, Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr versus Scott Stevens and Joe Bergman.
Hmmm… what could go wrong here?
The four men who will be vying for the HOTv title in a match. An appetizer as you will. A teaser.
I may be pissed off at Dan Ryan… but that doesn’t mean I don’t respect him. I respect everything he’s done in the wrestling industry. I know… I’m fully aware that he is still the same Murder Daddy he was three years ago when I last faced him wrestling as Halitosis. I remember Dan telling me three years ago that it wasn’t personal but he was going to kill me. So trust me, I know what he’s capable of and what I’m getting myself into. His new finisher is not a pleasant move to experience. It’s pretty clear, Dan’s back with a purpose and that makes him a dangerous opponent. I’m positive he’s not that happy about getting tasered. But then again, I wasn’t all that happy getting Burning Hammered the first time and beaten down the second time.
You knock me down. I come back fighting even harder.
Jatt Starr. I respect Jatt too… no wait… I respect the Jatt Starr wouldn’t have sold his soul to Lee Best and become his little bootlicking lapdog he keeps close by on a leash. That’s why I’ll still call him Simon Sparrow. Hall of Famer. Not sure why he’s taken a disliking to me. Don’t know why he’s become the Joe Isuzu of HOW by making up ridiculous and patently ridiculous claims about other wrestlers.
Don’t care.
I could ignore the utterly insane comments you continue to make because they mean absolutely nothing to me. But when you screwed me out of the LSD title and fast counted me out of the Tag Titles… well… you saw what I did- I screwed you out of a World title shot by simply just showing up on the ramp. I didn’t have to jump you from behind. I didn’t have to hit you with a piece of rebar or a steel folding chair and beat you down.
No, I just showed up on the ramp at a critical point in the match. You blinked at the exact moment you should have been focused on Clay Byrd and lost.
You responded to that by attacking me from behind and then wrote stupid things on my forehead. So I attacked you the next week and wrote stupid things on your forehead.
You knock me down. I come back fighting even harder.
You both got one- or in Dan’s case two- over me by sneaking up on me from behind. You’ve got your free shots and yet here I am. Still standing. Still coming back. Still not backing down.
To you.
To Lee.
To anyone.
You see, things are a lot different than they were three years ago when I wrestled as Halitosis. As Sunny O’Callahan told you all the other week, no matter what I will always represent Section 214 and I will always stand up for the people. But boys, the days of cheap shots without retribution are gone as are the days Joe Bergman or Halitosis simply smiles and shrugs off a cheap attack.
You knock me down. I come back fighting even harder.
Gentlemen, I’m here for one reason- to win matches. I’m here in HOW to compete and pit my skills against the best wrestlers in the industry. I’m here to push myself to my limits. I may not be the strongest. I may not be the most talented. But I’ve learned something very important over the past three years- how to win matches.
That’s right.
I’ve learned that spewing the predictable fire and brimstone promos blowing up and tearing down your opponent doesn’t win matches.
I’ve learned that verbally dissecting someone with words doesn’t win matches either.
Incendiary oral assaults of my opponents with shit-talking doesn’t win matches.
What wins matches? Showing up. Maxing out. Maxing out in effort. Maxing out by making the most of what little talent I have. Maxing out by walking to the ring every week and putting one hundred percent effort into every second I am inside the ropes. I’ve learned the craft and I’ve become a much better technical wrestler than I was when I wrestled as Halitosis.
I’ve figured out the best way for Joe Bergman to win matches is putting my opponent in the Dragon Sleeper. The Dragon Sleeper negates your power. The Dragon Sleeper negates your brain. Because…. that’s right… oxygen matters. Without air, you go to sleep. Lights out. Sayanora.
Good night.
But there’s one more thing I’ve figured out.
I’ve figured out that the best way for me to get the ultimate payback… the ultimate revenge… the ultimate fuck you to Dan Ryan, Simon Sparrow, and Scott Stevens… is Joe Bergman hitting them where it hurts the most…
…by winning the four-way match at March to Glory.
Pinning one of them one-two-three.
Submitting one of them with the Dragon Sleeper.
That’s the way I will ultimately pay all three of you back.
That is the ultimate retribution.
This is the path that I will travel. Not violence for violence’s sake like too many of our HOW wrestlers use as a crutch to fall back on.
No, I will do it by simply being better than them where it really counts… inside the ring.
So gentlemen, sure, this tag team match on Sunday is going to be a spectacle because… well, just because.
I’m more interested in what goes down when we face each other in the ring at March to Glory because wrestling Dan Ryan, Simon Sparrow, and Scott Stevens in a four-way match for the HOTv title.
This week is merely the dress rehearsal.
On March 12th at March to Glory? We gonna dance for real.
***
A Coke… Ice Cream… and a Smile
Before a sizeable group of reporters on hand waiting to ask questions, Joe Bergman sits behind the press table with a bottle of Coke, a dish of ice cream, and a smile on his face. Next to Joe is Sunny O’Callahan dressed as always like a background singer of a 70’s Southern rock band with a bottle of Southern Comfort sitting on the table in front of her.
This could only mean one thing…
Joe Bergman: Sunny and I are glad to be here tonight at this press conference here inside Madison Square Garden to answer your questions. Who’d like to go first?
The first question comes in.
“So Joe. What’s with the Coke and the ice cream?
He shrugs.
Joe Bergman: It’s better than sucking on a porcupine’s ass and dying.
“Oh.”
Joe raises the Coke bottle.
Joe Bergman: Thanks Dan.
A few reporters glance at each other attempting to decipher the deep, dark meaning of what Joe’s comment.
Then they shrug and the press conference resumes with another question.
“Joe, you are teaming up with Scott Stevens, a man who attacked you two weeks ago, to take on Dan Ryan, a man who’s attacked you twice in the past few weeks and of whom you attacked back two weeks ago, and Jatt Starr, a man who attacked you in concert with Dan Ryan of whom you attacked back on the same night you attacked Dan Ryan.”
Joe Bergman: Okay? And your question is?
“What are your thoughts on this match?”
Joe Bergman: It’s Lee’s usual Booking 101. Not surprised in the least. It makes sense in hyping up the big match at March to Glory. Conor Fuse is also in the same situation of having to tag with Jace Parker Davidson against the Best Alliance… er… First Alliance of Christopher America- Conor’s opponent at March to Glory- and Steve Solex- which I find ironic seeing as America and Solex recently had a heated blood feud spanning two pay-per-view periods. So that will be interesting.
Another reporter stands up to ask his question.
“The Highwaymen broke up after ICONIC. Any regrets there?”
Joe Bergman: No. None at all.
“Even re-teaming up with Steve Solex?”
Joe Bergman: No. Look, I didn’t just enter this arrangement blindly. I mean, Steve showed up at my MVW warm-up match and then we had a long, long talk at Fairlane Diner in Springfield, Illinois about this. He came to me. We hashed out what went wrong in 2020. We moved on and tried to do it again. In the end, it just didn’t work. We weren’t a good fit as a tag team. That’s it. So, life moves on and Joe Bergman moves forward.
“Are there any issues with Clay Byrd and Steve Harrison?
Joe Bergman: None. I just watched Clay defeat the PRIME champion Rezin on the recent Defiance 182 show last week. Steve Harrison obviously is taking time off from HOW because of his recent injury. I enjoyed my association with the Highwaymen. I enjoyed winning the Tag Title at Dead or Alive with Harrison and I hope Byrd comes back to HOW at some point. No regrets at all.
“I have a question for Sunny, if that’s okay.”
Joe Bergman: Sure.
“Sunny, you flashed Jatt Starr a couple weeks ago-“
Sunny O’Callahan: I did not. I faked it…
“Faked it?”
Sunny O’Callahan: He saw nothing. I faked it. Just like women have to fake it whenever they’re with Jatt Starr.
“Oooo-kay then.”
Sunny O’Callahan: Hey. That’s what I heard!
“So, is there a chance you’ll flash Mr. Starr on Sunday night… if the situation necessitates it?”
Sunny O’Callahan: The chances of Jatt Starr seeing my breasts in any situation is the same as yours… about a million to one.
“Oh. So you’re saying there’s a chance?”
Sunny rolls her eyes and thankfully the reporter ends his line of questioning.
Another reporter steps up.
Woman Reporter: Hi Joe.
Joe suddenly looks up as her voice sounds very familiar.
Woman Reporter: Elizabeth Carlisle. WABC… ABC7 New York…
He recognizes the brunette in her mid-thirties, very athletic and very well-dressed.
Elizabeth Carlisle: …we’re on your side.
Elizabeth Carlisle trained at Bergman’s Barn in June of 2022 for a multi-week news expose she was going for Chicago’s Channel 5 news. In three short weeks, Joe taught her the basics, all the ground floor stuff she would have to learn when she made her debut/her only wrestling match. Joe was in her corner the night Elizabeth wrestled a dark match inside the Hale Arena in Kansas City, Missouri before Missouri Valley Wrestling’s Wrestling Night in America pay-per-view show.
They also kinda dated for a while.
Joe’s shocked expression made Elizabeth grin. It’s been several months since they’ve seen each other… well, at least in person.
Joe Bergman: Hi Elizabeth. What are you doing here?
Elizabeth Carlisle: I moved to New York earlier this year. But I’m the one who’s supposed to be asking the questions here, right?
Joe Bergman: Right. What’s your question?
Elizabeth Carlisle: So Joe. What is the current state of your relationship with MVW wrestler Victoria McGill these days?
Joe learns forward in his chair and answers matter-of-factly.
Joe Bergman: Not that it’s anyone’s business or anything…
Elizabeth Carlisle: Noted.
Joe Bergman: …but there’s really no relationship at this time with Miss Victoria McGill to speak of.
Elizabeth Carlisle: I see.
Sitting next to Joe and watching Elizabeth flirt with him, a visibly deflated Sunny rolls her eyes and grabs the bottle of Southern Comfort.
Elizabeth Carlisle: Okay. My real question is this…
As Elizabeth asks her ‘real’ question to Joe, Sunny just sighs and sinks back into her chair while taking a healthy drink from the bottle.
Their relationship was strictly professional. Joe offered her a chance at redemption several months before and she worked night and day vowing she would not let screw up this opportunity. She did not want to let him down. Sunny desperately wanted to prove she belonged in the wrestling industry and now here she was- the manager of HOW’s HOTv and HOTv Tag Team Champions and the Missouri Valley Wrestling Men’s and Men’s Tag Team Champions. But, sitting at the table in the middle of a big press conference before a big match with a lot on the line, Sunny suddenly had an epiphany.
After working all these months side by side with Joe… she’d started to fall for him.