TODAY I FUCKED UP, BOYS
(Well, not today, but y’know…)
So, just got back from the ‘stralia. Good trip, wonderful trip, saw lots of babes in bikinis and did some so-so drugs.
While the drugs were only so-so, I did A WHOLE FUCK LOAD OF THEM.
Kids, lemme tells ya… you make stupid decisions when you’re whacked outta your gourd.
You sometimes make great decisions, too—like putting your raw penis in a chaffed vagina and rolling the dice on an STI, or following a crackhead back to his tent and stealing all his shit when he passes out/ODs/dies/whatever, or mixing pubes into your ‘stralia food and making a big scene outta it and getting that shit for FREEBEES.
I made a lot of good decisions while strung out for four days… but ch’boi Choi also made a very bad decision.
I kiiiinda admitted my bull homicide to STRONK! and even showed him a vidja and then said some outta pocket shit.
I thought, okay, I’ll squirrel up in the big man’s head and fuck with him and maybe he loses to Jace and maybe he comes crawling back to me or maybe Jace takes me back or something.
IT SEEMED LIKE A BRIGHT IDEA AT THE TIME, ASSHOLES~!
Now…? Uhhh, feelin’ like I did a whoopsie-daisy. But, like, one that gets your head caved in and then you’re, like… not all there anymore, y’know? And all’s I gots is my smarts, so if that happens, I’m kinda screwed, y’know?
AND NOW UNCLE OLIVER HAS TOLD ME I NEED TO APPEAR AT THE NEXT CHAOS FOR A FUCKING TRIAL OR SOME SHIT~!
Got me talking in CAPS like stupid Princess Pony I’m so fuckin’ RATTLED.
Also he says if I no-show, there’ll be no trial and, like… admittance of guilt, blah blah blah… bad things will happen to me… all that jazz.
LUCKILY, I’m the Man with the Plan, and so if anyone can strategize or talk their way outta this mess, I’m that dude, bro. Surriously.
I’m super confident I’ll get a not-guilty verdict. I already deleted the evidence from my phoneski. So what, you’re gonna take STRONK!’s word over mine? I have a fuckin’ notary public license, bitch, come at me! I also can kinda practice as a pharmacist in the poorer parts of Florida. I can be my own character witness, though I’m hundo-P positive there’ll be guys and gals lining up out the door to defend me.
I’m a good fuckin’ person, okay?
I just have this problem where I like taking LOTS of drugs and that’s my right as an American genius. Drug laws and NA are for stupid people that can’t control themselves.
Fuck, I’m soooo not looking forward to this stupid ‘trial.’
I best get a fair and impartial one—MOB, that pretentious cocksucker, better not RAILROAD me.
I feel confident.
I read about laws ‘n stuff on Wikipedia and (did I mention I’m a genius?) memorized all of it, so I’d say I’m good.
But, like, what if I ain’t?
What if the world conspires against innocent ol’ Abbie Choi and the UNINTELLECTUAL DARK WEB comes for my neck without evidence or motive?
I’m gonna do some spicy meth and silly pillies and walk in like an outta town salesman with my eye on your mousy housewife. And I ain’t taking off my muddy loafers when I come in your house, neither. Mad disrespect.
Yeah, I make my best decisions when I’m zooted on the top floor.
LET’S SEE HOW SHE GOES~!
Pray for me.