Please leave a voicemail after the beep.
“Yo, Xander, it’s Simon. Simon Loveless. You know, your opponent this Saturday. Since you’ve been so quiet I figured I’d give you a call and get some answers. Me and Missy have been writing these down all day, so rapid fire style. Ready?
What exactly does eternity feel like, Xander? Does time pass quickly because you’ve always been around or does time feel like pure agony because you know it’s never going to end? Granted you’re not really eternal, but since you like to cosplay like you’re an immortal I figure you’re the best one to ask around here. Do you look up at the clock and say ‘oh, that was only five minutes’ or is it more ‘holy shit, it’s only been five minutes’? The emphasis on only is where I’m truly curious.
Or shit, do you not actually know what time is because you’ve never felt the passing of time?
Does that mean anything to you?
Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty of more questions to ask here. Were you born a fully grown adult in 1987 or did you actually grow into the person you are now gradually like the rest of us? At what point then in either scenario did you decide to become a pissbaby? Oh, and to add onto that Is April 15th just a day that you picked as your birthday or were you born on that day?
Does living forever have an impact on if you’re a morning person or not? I mean, how many times can you really wake up and be like ‘nope, I’m definitely not a morning person’ without finding a new routine. I’m so confused at how this eternity thing works.
Now, this is only between you and me Xander. But sometimes when Missy’s talking to me, it feels like an eternity has passed and I know it’s only been like twenty seconds or so. But holy shit within those twenty seconds I have thoughts about wrapping a rope around my neck and hooking it up to the back of a speeding car at least ten times. I hope immortality is nothing like listening to Missy speak. Do me a solid and make sure to delete this part of the message, okay?
What kind of Hallmark card says “Xander Azula”? Are you a serious card person or do you like the ones with the half-naked chicks or dudes on the front only to swerve you on the inside for all the laughs in the world? I’ve got you marked down for the serious ones, but I need to need to know for sure what to buy you for when your DeNucci Cup dreams come to a sudden end on Saturday.
Or because you don’t really celebrate birthdays since you’re immortal and all, you don’t know what kind of Hallmark card person you are. I like the ones that sing when you open them, those are cool.
Is this the right number? Do immortals get to keep their phone number forever or will you have to change your phone number in the next one hundred years? Was your phone once just “1”? I really hope you’re not going to ghost me here, Xander.
Getting back to my original question here. How does time pass for you? I really want to know, because I want to know how long the feeling of disappointment is going to last after I drop you in the middle of that ring Saturday night. If time passes quickly, I’m going to have to make it hurt a little bit more, but if time is slowly and painfully ticking second by second by in your miserable life… well, then I don’t have to do all that much more than win, do I? To me you’ll just be another notch in the belt on my quest to humiliate this company. To you, it’ll be the worst Saturday night in your eternal fucking existence.
But hey, I’m going to get you one of these really cool singing Hallmark Cards to remember it all by. Maybe five thousand years from now the battery in that thing will still work and you’ll remember the night Simon Loveless beat you in the middle of the ring to the sounds of the Baha Men asking “Who let the Dogs Out?”
Maybe we’ll know by then
Hope to hear back from you soon.”