Steven Solex is no punk. It’s worth noting that. He never has been. He wasn’t a punk when he was pretending to be a biker, and he wasn’t a punk when he was pretending to be a glitz and glamour obsessed ego-maniac. But now, as his true self. As the #1 Dad, he’s even less of one. Not possible, you say? I beg to differ. Everyone in the world wants their Dad to be the best Dad that he can possibly be, and I’m sure that each and every one of you thought that your Dad was the best. Well, kiddies…you were and are wrong. There is only one #1 Dad, and his name is Steven Solex. It’s true, however, that he’s been on quite the losing streak as of late. Losing to Brian Hollywood a couple of times – a man he’s beaten the brakes off of, no less – and losing to a man who calls himself…ugh…Perfection, again, a couple of times. Something just hasn’t been clicking for Steve, and I think I know what that is.
Joining a team, stable, group, or whatever you want to call it has never been a real priority for Steven. The problem is, Steven Solex has always been a bit of a loner, but times they are a changin’. Steven has now totally embraced the idea of being a part of a team, especially if the other half of that team is the Ordinary Joe himself. Steven has a tremendous amount of respect for Bergman, and he’s going to display that respect by getting himself back in the win column against High Flyer.
More than PBR.
The question remains, does Bergman really need Steven Solex to be a part of PBR? I mean, being candid, he’s done much more without Steven in recent memory, than he has with him. Without Steven, Bergman is a tag team champion. With him, they’re just drinking beer in Section 214. But like I said, Steven is going to make this match count. He’s going to even his 2020 HOW record, and get headed in the right direction again.
He’s faced facts.
He won’t be in a match War Games; it’s just not going to happen. He’s lost his qualifying match against Perfection, and there is just no way he will sneak onto the card at this point. But he can do one thing. He can sit in Section 214 and mingle with the people and cheer on his tag team partner. That’s exactly what he plans on doing.
Now cut the bullshit, and let’s get that cheesy ass music playing and stream that montage of the Solex family. Of course the music is awful, and it damages your ears as it beings to play. The usual montage of white-suburbia in Somewhere, America plays on the screen as the opening credits roll. Steven tosses a football pass to his son, and they both pause with the shit-eatingest of grins as their names are displayed on screen. Karen pauses her cooking in the kitchen as her name is displayed underneath another shit-eating grin. And finally, thank the good Lord above the music fades as the words “Filmed in front of a live studio audience” are displayed across the lower third. Quickly the words fade and the scene transitions to Steven Solex in the middle of a pond, on a small tin fishing boat. The type of boat you’d see in a dump before you saw it on a pond, but nevertheless…it’s here. Opposite Steven is his son Jebidiah. Both are outfitted with your typical television fishing vests and clothes. Steven though, still rocks the all-white New Balances and the cargo shorts that have made him even more dadlier than most. Both son and father have lines in the water, and keep quiet as they independently fish. But you can see Steven begin to get antsy.
“Gettin’ any nibbles over there, boy?” Steven asks his Jebidiah as the crowd in attendance claps in the scene.
“Not yet, pah.” Ok, when did the kid get all country? What the hell is up with this kid? One week he’s a petulant shit, the next he’s a wrestling historian, and this week he’s fuckin’ Opie. Holy shit.
“Keep at it son, you’ll get one…I’m sure of it!” This reassurance sends the crowd into a frenzy of applause and “awe’s.”
“What about you, Dad?” Jebidiah inquires, but little does he know. He just walked into it…
“No, sir!” Steven exclaims. “But then again, I’m not even fishing!”
“You’re not?!” The boys asks, turning his head toward his old man.
Son of a bitch.
“Nope, I’m just teaching this worm how to swim!” There’s the joke. It’s the first one of the day, and it sends the crowd into a fury of laughter. Steven slaps his knee as he laughs uncontrollably, but as per the usual, Jebidiah seems less than amused.
“I’m just joshin’ ya, boy!” Steven says, slapping his son’s shoulder…pretty damn hard actually, and the look on Steven’s face was anything but pleasant. I’m convinced Steven hates his kid.
“It’s all good though, Jebby.”
“Why’s that, Dad?”
“I’ve read a book about fishing. It was written by…”
Jebidiah rolls his eyes so far into the back of his head that the boat actually tilts backward. He knows the punchline is coming, and so does the audience.
The crowd erupts in laughter once again.
“Get it?! Ketchum! Catch-them! Ketchum!”
The riotous laughter from the crowd continues, but quickly halts as Jebidiah jumps to his feet and begins to reel in a presumed catch.
“You got one son?” Steven asks, jumping to his feet and supporting his son by pressing his hands into his shoulders, holding the little guy upright.
Jebidiahs pole bends with the pressure from the fish on the other end. The hook is in deep as the fish jumps out of the water; about three feet above the water actually. After a brief struggle, Jebidiah is able to reel the fish into the boat as the crowd cheers wildly.
“You did it son!” Steven shouts jumping for joy as the crowd continues the celebration of cheers.
The fish flops around like crazy for a few minutes as two generations of Solex stare it down. Eventually it stops. The fish has died, and Jebidiah looks a bit sad.
“What happened to it, Dad? Did it (sniff, sniff) die?”
The crowd lets out a collective awe, as Steven drops to a knee and places a hand on Jebidiah’s shoulder. He looks his son in the eyes, and gives one of those caring, tilted head looks as the morality music begins to play.
“I’m sorry, son. I should have prepared you better for that.”
“But, why did it die?”
“Well, son. Because we took it out of the water. See, this fish needs the water. It’s useless without it. Without the water, the fish dies.”
“I don’t understand.”
I swear, this kid.
“It’s like High Flyer, son. It’s like someone came in and ripped High Flyer away from The Industry, and suddenly he began to wither away and die. Because High Flyer is nothing without The Industry. Without Lindsay Troy and Dan Ryan, High Flyer is absolutely useless. Do you get it now son?”
“I think so,” the little boy answers behind a sniffle as the wipes his nose with his forearm.
“That fish stinks, Dad.”
“I know son. Even more reason it’s like High Flyer!”
Steven begins to belly laugh, arching his back and head backward. Jebidiah joins in, as does the crowd in attendance as the scene fades to black.