Refueled LXXVII

The High Octane Television logo fades out and we cut live inside the Staples Center here in Los Angeles as the 77th edition of Refueled is set to begin….

The lights dim. The arena quiets. A chill moves through the air… “I am the COOL” explodes over the speakers.

“I’m the one your mama warned you about

When you see me, I will leave you no doubt

I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth

I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth

I AM THE COOL.”

Out from behind the curtain, after a second or two of suspense, The Crown Prince of COOL, Cancer Jiles emerges from the entrance ramp. The cameras cut over to both Joe Hoffman and Benny Newell.  Both men welcome us to the Staples Center for this Go-Home Edition of Refueled.

Joe Hoffman: Welcome everyone to the final Refueled before Rumble at the Rock!! I am Joe Hoffman and as always I am joined by my fellow Hall of Famer…Big Buff Benny Newell and Benny what a show we have in store tonight.

Benny Newell: All a means to an end…..and let’s be honest…most of these fuckers are going to mail it in tonight in hopes of saving themselves for the PPV. They are LUCKY Lee isn’t around tonight. I promise you that this guilty motherfucker who is making is way to the ring would be the first casualty.

The cameras cut back to Jiles standing in the ring greeting the crowd. Suddenly the lights go out in the Staples Center. The whistling intro of “Engel” plays over the PA system. The chorus of boos erupts as Xander Azula and his Eternal Circle disciples step out onto the stage. The Eternal Circle members surround the entrance ramp to ensure their leader’s protection

Joe Hoffman:  Xander’s on high alert after Zion promised vengeance at Rumble at the Rock.

Benny Newell:  It’s called an insurance policy, Benny.  You never take any chances here in HOW to secure a win.  Even if a buffoon like Zion is chasing you.

The crowd erupts into a #RallyZion chant at Xander as he saunters down the ring.  He brushes the crowd’s reaction as his eyes meet Jiles’.  A slow, sinister smile curls over the old man’s face as he slides into the ring.

Bryan McVay:  Introducing Jiles’ opponent; from Long Beach, California.  Weighing in tonight at 230 pounds; he is LEGION!  HE IS XAAAAAAAAAANDER…..AAAAAAAAZZZZZULLLLLLLA!!!!

Xander slides into the ring and slits his throat, taunting the Cool One.  Jiles stands in his corner, cracking his neck, preparing for the match.  Matt Boettcher stands between both opponents as the lights come back up.  He signals for the bell to start this opening contest.

DING!  DING!  DING!  DING!

Benny Newell:  Betting you now, Hoffman.  Jiles only lasts 2 minutes and 50 seconds in this opening contest.

Joe Hoffman:  Go easy on the man, Benny.  He’s a former HOW World Champion looking to regain the footing he lost since War Games.  He’s trying his best.  He puts his body on the line with all his flashy, innovative offense and…

Benny Newell:  ….ya….and what? Fuck off with that shitty defense of Jiles. We all know even the BEST Public Defenders out there could not make a good case for this piece of wasted potential.

Jiles wastes no time in going on the offense against the monster known as Xander Azula.  The Cool One unleashes a flurry of punches and kicks taking down Azula to the ground.  Jiles scoops up the California native off the mat and throws him into the turnbuckle.  Climbing up the turnbuckle, the Cool One picks Xander up off the mat.

Joe Hoffman:  OH MY!  OH NO!  He’s going for the devastating Top Rope 1030 Vertebreaker!!!!  Jiles knows how to kill this creep…

Benny Newell: It’s a God damn early Super-Plex attempt.  Stop with this fucking fisher price bullshit. It’s not paying off….AT ALL.

Benny’s right!  Xander clasps his hand around Jiles’ throat and nails a sick looking chokeslam on the Cool One.  While Xander tries to continue his onslaught, CCJ hits a sick looking jawbreaker.  It sends Eris’ loyal servant backwards.  It’s not effective and only pisses off Xander.  Azula charges towards the Philly native and flings him across the ring with a German Suplex.   As Xander picks Jiles off the mat, The Cool One hits a throat block onto Xander.  The veins in Xander’s head flare up.  Azula charges at Jiles and sweeps him back to the mat with a stiff looking Neckbreaker.

Benny Newell:  KILL HIM, XANDER!  See, Hoffhole!  This is what focus looks like from the Spawn of Satan himself.  Xander’s showing Jiles how to get fucking get noticed here in HOW.  He’s working hard like everyone should for the damn machine.

Joe Hoffman:   WHAT?  Did you not just see what Xander did?  Boettcher clearly needs to have eye surgery!

We catch of replay of Jiles struggling back to his feet as Xander nails a sick low blow on the former champion.

Benny Newell:  That’s only creative winning in practice.

Xander wraps his arms around Jiles’ neck to lock him in a headlock.  But CCJ rolls his foot under the ropes.  Boettcher makes a quick count to 4 before Xander releases his prey.   Arguing with Boettcher, Xander takes his eyes off Jiles. The Cool One comes out of nowhere to hit a Springboard Dropkick on his opponent.  The pissed off Azula and CCJ exchange flurry of blows for a few moments.  Gaining the advantage, Xander tosses Jiles into the ropes, nailing a perfect powerslam.  He pounds his chest, taunting the crowd.  Dragging Jiles’ body off the mat, Azula attempts to hit a snap suplex.  But Jiles foils the attempt by hooking his leg around Xander’s.  Jiles plants Xander to the mat with a DDT.  Rebounding, Jiles rushes the ropes to land a springboard moonsault.  Jiles rolls through, bounces off the ropes again, and hits the Rolling Thunder.  The crowd pops at Jiles’ athletic prowess.

Joe Hoffman:  SEE BENNY!!  SEE!!!

Benny Newell:  Pffft!  Bastard got lucky.  Besides, you damn well know the Seventh Circle of hell awaits this asshole once Xander wakes up!

Fueled by the HOW crowd, CCJ hoists Xander up.   He hits a few knife edge chops on Xander’s chest before nailing an Inverted Atomic Drop.  Xander’s eyes roll into the back of his head as he spouts off jibberish.  The Cool One makes a beeline straight towards the top rope.  He motions to the crowd a big move is coming.

Joe Hoffman: This man is about to hit the move of all moves!  Something that’s never been done before in HOW history.  It’s the Double Inverted 450 Splash DDT into a Superkick!  Benny!  You’re in for a treat!

Benny rolls his eyes at Joe while Jiles prepared to unleash this sequence of events.

Joe Hoffman:  Yes!  He’s got it!  He’s….

Xander flies up at a rapid rate off the mat.  Rushing the ropes, he deadlifts the Cool One off the top of the turnbuckle.  Xander climbs with determination as Jiles attempts to fight out.  Before Jiles can even attempt a reverse, Xander’s got him locked in.

Benny Newell:  Now this is a Holy Shit move! Top Rope Faithbreaker from Xander!  See, this flashy shit doesn’t work, Hoffhole.  Xander’s planted Jiles neck first into the mat with his finisher.  That’s how you fucking do it here in HOW.

Boettcher counts the cover:

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

DING!  DING!  DING!  DING!

Bryan McVay:  Here is your winner in 6 minutes and 42 seconds; XAAAAAAAANDER AAAAAZUUUUULA!

HOW officials attempt to rush the ring, but the members of the Eternal Circle stop then in their place.  Boettcher tries to raise Xander’s hand in victory, but Xander pushes it away.  Boettcher escapes the ring as Xander’s eyes lock onto Jiles.  The wicked look in Xander’s eyes burns with intensity for his opponent.

Joe Hoffman:  Xander just kicked it into another gear….

Benny Newell:  About time he did. This pussy footing around for the last several weeks has had me swiping left like a motherfucker.

Xander’s arms extend out as Jiles pulls himself off the mat.  As Xander’s eyes widen, an eruption of cheers comes from the crowd around Section 124.  In the flash of an instant, a man in a black hoodie leaps over the barricade wielding a lead pipe.

Benny Newell:  IT’S ZION?!  He’s come to help Jiles?!

Joe Hoffman:  No, Benny!  He’s out for blood.  Look in his eyes!  That’s an excited look.  They’re filled with a lust for blood.  Xander’s taken the only family Zion’s ever known.  And now they’re fighting for her services in the Guard Tower match.

Before Xander can lay a hand on Jiles, Zion wraps the lead pipe around Xander’s jaw.  Flooring his RATR opponent, Zion hits the Ratings Spike.  He jams the pipe straight into Xander’s jaw.    In a single sequence of motion, Zion transitions the maneuver into the Rings of Saturn.  Yanking the hold with full intensity, he looks to snap Azula in half before their encounter.

Joe Hoffman:  THE RED RINGS OF DEATH!  RED RINGS OF DEATH!  Zion’s choking the life out of Xander right here in the Staples Center!!!!!!

Benny Newell:  He doesn’t have much time, Hoffhole.  Those druids from the Eternal Circle have turned their attention to the biggest threat!

Zion locks eyes with the hooded figures before leaping over the barricade and rushing up the stairs.  The Eternal Circle members tend to their leader as Zion drops the lead pipe to the ground.  Zion’s eyes fixate on his target for RATR.  The crowd goes nuts chanting “Rally Zion” as Zion stands their breathing heavy and pointing the pipe at Xander.  Xander rises back to his feet, taunting Zion.  Xander and the Eternal Circle celebrate their victory as Zion watches on before the scene fades to black.

The scene cuts to the backstage area where Brian Bare is standing next to Jatt Starr, sporting his 97Red and Black Plaid suit and Jace Parker Davidson. Standing behind next to JPD, maybe a step too close, holding a fire extinguisher is the Wabid Wabbit.

BRIAN BARE: Jatt Starr, tonight, you and Jace Parker Davidson will team up to face Clay Byrd and the man you will be facing at “Rumble at the Rock” for the LSD Championship. Tonight will mark the first time you two will share the ring since “War Games”, how do you feel?

JATT STARR: I think I’ve said enough about John Sektor. Who am I kidding? Of course I haven’t. Tonight, we have the biggest scumbag douchenozzle, Sektor teaming with the biggest choke artist and perennial disappointment, Clay Turd. Make no mistake, tonight is about bragging rights for me, showing Sektor that I was the better tag team wrestler AND who gains the momentum going into the LSD Championship match. But watch, when Sucktor and Clay Turd…a.k.a. “Suck-Turd”….loses tonight, I’ll be a thousand Kale-Mango-Jalapeno smoothies, the blame will be placed on Clay. How do I feel? Pretty optimistic.

BRIAN BARE: If I could just ask, not too long ago, you were Clay Byrd’s biggest fan, and now you’re calling him “Clay Turd”. Why the change of heart?

JATT STARR: He lost and he really didn’t appreciate my fandom. As far as the Mayor of ManJattan is concerned, until Clay Turd wins a championship, he’s just Darin Zion cosplaying as Gritty in a cowboy hat.

BRIAN BARE: Jatt—

JATT STARR: Now, back to the LSD Championship. What Johnny STD has done with the LSD Title is a travesty! He took away what the LSD Championship meant….by turning it into a low rent ICON Title, he not only pisses on the ICON Championship but he also takes a giant dump on those of us that gave the LSD Title meaning….People like the Ruler of Jattlantis. People like Ryan Faze, Silent Witness, Mike Best, Max Kael, Shane Reynolds, Kostoff, and, oh yeah, the greatest LSD Champion of All Time….who also happens to be the greatest HOW TV Champion of all time, my pal and tag team partner tonight, JACE PARKER DAVIDSON!

The King of Everything nods in agreement, acknowledging the praise while at the same time getting some separation from the Wabid Wabbit who is holding the fire extinguisher at the ready.

JATT STARR: John Sektor has watered down the LSD Championship, he emasculated it! The LSD Champion used to be the toughest, most vicious, bloodthirsty, enraged fighter in the company, not some Limp Shriveled Dick…but maybe Sektor wanted to personalize it. Rest assured, when I win the LSD Championship at “Rumble at the Rock”, I will bring the LSD Championship back to it’s previous glory.

BRIAN BARE: Alright we’ve heard from the challenger for the LSD Champion but what about your partner?

Brian Bare turns and points the microphone towards Jace who goes to step forward. However, it’s Wabid Wabbit that steps in front of Jace with his fire extinguisher in hand. Finally fed up, Jace pushes Wabid Wabbit aside so that he’s standing front and center beside Jatt and Brian.

JPD: Tonight, you get just a taste of the kind of brutality you can expect to see at RATR. Jatt here is going to walk into that Ironman match against John Sektor and for 97 minutes he’s going to show that moustache meathead just what the true meaning of pain is. Then in the Infirmary match? I’m going to physically dismantle a Monster from Plainview piece by fucking piece. I’m going to open him up. I’m going to rip his heart from his chest. Then I’m going to toss it down to the floor and make his still beating heart Bend the Knee until the Behemoth is no more.

BRIAN BARE: I would be remised if I didn’t bring up the fact that the last time we were here in this arena is when you literally tried to end Ray McAvay’s life by setting him on fire–

The word “fire” springs Wabid Wabbit into action and before Bare can even finish his statement Wabid Wabbit turns the fire extinguisher on Jace spraying him from head to toe.

JPD: What the fuck?!

WABID WABBIT: Apowogies! That was pwematuah.

BRIAN BARE: As I was saying the last time we were here in Los Angeles, you did the unthinkable by setting Ray McAvay on fire—

Once again the word “fire” triggers Wabid Wabbit and he once again sprays Jace head to toe with the fire extinguisher. Fed up once again Jace goes to attack Wabid Wabbit but Jatt Starr steps in front of Jace and stops him.

JATT STARR: Whoa! Wait! I probably should have mentioned this earlier but one of the conditions of you even being allowed in the arena tonight is the fact that someone has to follow you around and be at the ready with a fire extinguisher.

WABID WABBIT: So sowwy!

Jace takes a deep breath and tries to compose himself as Wabid Wabbit stands behind Jatt. Jace runs his fingers through his hair and then turns to Brian Bare who holds out the microphone.

JPD: Yeah, I did what I did to Ray McAvay and if push comes to shove I can’t lie and say I wouldn’t do the same to Clayton Byrd or John Sektor here tonight. There will be fire–

Wabid Wabbit raises the fire extinguisher into the air once again but Jace stares daggers into the masked man. Wabid Wabbit lowers the fire extinguisher and finally steps back as Jace continues.

JPD: There has been a fire lit under me tonight. In a few weeks Jatt has a chance to regain the LSD Championship and I have the chance to punch my ticket to the main event of ICONIC. Together we’re going to go down to that ring and we’re going to do battle. We aren’t leaving here tonight without our pound of flesh. So, I hope both John Sektor and Clay Byrd are ready to leave a part of themselves in the middle of that ring tonight. They might walk into this match as two of the best that HOW has to offer but they leave lesser men.

JATT STARR: Suck-Turd is going down tonight!!!!

Jace pats Jatt on the back and the two walk out of camera range. Wabid Wabbit stands there for a moment then raises the fire extinguisher into the air and sprays Brian Bare with it before following in the direction that Jace and Jatt went.

We cut backstage, where we see Xander Azula storming away after what Zion did to after his match earlier. The head disciple of Chaos is stopped by a voice from the distance, forcing an angry Azula to turn his attention to the approaching Brian Bare.

Brian Bare: Xander, I have so many questions for you. Why is Meredith…

Xander snaps at the interviewer, raising his hand to Bare’s face.

Xander Azula: No. I will give you no interview tonight, Brian. Why are you even here? Shouldn’t you be trying to flirt with Bobbinette or something?

Brian is taken aback by the comment, but Xander presses on.

Xander Azula: Since you brought her up, I’ll tell you what’s happening Brian, and I want you and Darin and everyone at home to understand this very clearly.

Xander turns his attention to the camera, as if staring us (and Zion) down.

Xander Azula: If you want Meredith back so badly, you will have to come get her. My goddess is eager to step onto this world and reclaim it as her own, and I have just the thing for her. Preparations are being made as we speak…and when I’m done with you, Darin…my goddess will have what belongs to her.

Xander turns back to Brian, a wicked smile on his face.

Xander Azula: Praise Eris, praise Discordia.

With that, Xander walks off leaving a confused Bare as we go to commercial.

Back live and Eli Dresden aka Lust, and Bobby Dean aka Sloth, are already inside the ring waiting for their opponents. Then, amongst an awkward silence, “Stronger On Your Own” by Disturbed blasts over the PA system.

Joe Hoffman: Here comes Greed! Brian Hollywood! Former HOTv Champion!

Benny Newell: Yes!

Joe Hoffman: Odd to hear you cheer him.

Benny Newell: I was cheering because Snoozer is walking out with him and we don’t have to sit through another entrance.

Joe Hoffman: Of course.

Hollywood and Doozer enter the ring at the same time. Doozer, aka Envy, points at Lust as if he were marking his territory. Greed and Sloth share a few pleasantries before the referee for the contest gets everyone in their respective corners.

DING!

Benny Newell: Of course Snoozer and Loser won’t give the fans what they want and start the match. Cowards.

Hollywood and Eli lock up, and Hollywood throws her backwards onto her back. He smiles wide, then points at Bobby Dean signaling that he is done with the young calf and is now ready for the old bull. Bobby yawns, completely disinterested in Greed’s thirsty gesture.

Benny Newell: Sloth gonna sloth.

Joe Hoffman: Nice one, Benny.

Eli springs up and slaps Bobby’s third chin, officially tagging him into the match. Bobby begrudgingly steps between the ropes, and challenges Brian to a test of strength. Hollywood accepts and receives a thumb to the eye for his willingness. Bobby then kicks him in the shin, throws him into the ropes and lazily misses a walking lariat.

Joe Hoffman: Did he just fall after that whiff? It was like he got shot by a gun.

Benny Newell: (uproarious laughing)

Greed shakes his head and tags in Envy. Dooze stands over his friend, apprehensive at first. Then, Bobby hits him with a low blow that brings the Bostonian to his knees.

Joe Hoffman: Bobby from exhaustion, and Doozer from the surprise nut shot are both looking to make a tag! Who will get their first?!

Benny Newell: This suspense is going to make me go to AA.

Bobby rolls, Doozer inch worms….

TAG!

TAG!

Eli charges in, Hollywood meets her halfway. The two exchange a flurry of blows which Greed gets the best of.

Joe Hoffman: Basic Instinct! Wow! He drilled her with it!

Benny Newell: What did he do again?

Joe Hoffman: He drilled her!

Benny Newell: What?

Joe Hoffman: He ducked a wild, desperate slap attempt from Lust, and was able to wrangle her up and plant her head first into the canvas. He. Drilled. Her.

Benny Newell: Jeez Joe, we’re going to need an NC-17 rating if you keep this lewd type of commentary up.

Hollywood teases Doozer asking him if he wants to come in and make the pin. This does nothing for their one night friendship seeing as Doozer hops down from the ring apron and starts making his way to the back early.

Benny Newell: Pretty soon Doozer is going to be envious of Hollywood instead of his old pal.

Greed drops down and makes the laziest cover of all time. It does not matter since Lust is still stuck in the cobwebs. Sloth yawns again. Envy is halfway up the ramp with his envious back turned to the ring. The ref drops down and counts…

1.

2.

3.

Your winner in 6 minutes and 12 seconds, Greed and Envy.

Joe Hoffman: Greed scores the team win and takes some much needed momentum into Rumble at the Rock.

The action is about to cut away from the ring when all of a sudden…

Benny Newell: What’s this idiot doing down here!?!

Doozer is stopped in his tracks having seen the blur.

Bobby is idle standing on the outside of the ring.

Hollywood has absconded in an awaiting hoverchopper.

Dresden is slowly creeping up to her feet…

Joe Hoffman: Looks like it’s about to get worse for Lust.

Benny Newell: I say again. What’s this idiot doing down here!?!

Sliding into the ring with a fervor, passion, and youthfulness that’s been unseen for quite some time is the infamous loser of tonight’s opening contest. He is recognized as the SINGLE greatest tag team competitor of all time. A former World Champion. Righteous leader and virtuoso of the now defunct eGG Bandits. Breaker of streaks.

Joe Hoffman: OH GOD TERMINAL CANCER!! HE GOT ALL OF IT!

Benny Newell: The balls on this guy. I’ll fucking spit if he gets any air time.

Benny spits.

COOL Jiles: This woman here doesn’t love High Octane Wrestling. She does not lust for it anymore than Bobby Dean lusts for steamed vegetables. She is not willing to prostrate and suffer and sacrifice for the greater cause. Not like I have. Not like I do. Not like I will.

A smirk quickly rolls across Jiles’ face as he struggles to keep his hubris contained.

COOL Jiles: That said, I, the last line of defense in regard to this federation’s integrity and honor have deemed her unworthy.

The crowd gasps.

COOL Jiles: As such, Little Miss Noshow will no longer be Lust, nor will she be participating at Rumble at the Rock.

The crowd gasps again, but even more gaspier than before!

Joe Hoffman: It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see where this is going! Look at the look on Doozer’s face! He can’t believe it! Neither can Bobby!

Benny Newell: THE FUCKING BALLS ON THIS GUY.

The Maestro of COOL raises his chin, as if the proud smile — no matter how large or wide it might grow to — could not bring it down.

COOL Jiles: And in her lustful place, someone deserving of such. Better yet, someone whose only crime is being guilty of loving his work.

Collective cricketing.

GUILTY Jiles: Me. I am the new Lust. I am trading in my dress clothes for Prison Yard 97reds, and will prove why my love for this company is greater than anyone else’s.

One half of the HOF announce team barfs. You can guess who.

Not Joe.

LUST: Don’t hate me for it. Not everyone can be me.

Pucker.

Kiss.

Cut from Goodbye.

We cut away as the crowd is absolutely buzzing after what they just saw.

Brian Bare can be seen backstage on standby with LSD champion, John Sektor. Sektor is bouncing gently on the spot to keep his limbs warm for the upcoming tag match in which he is scheduled to compete in. The LSD title, as always, is on full show over his tattooed shoulder.

Brian Bare: Folks, as you can see I am being joined by the reigning and defending LSD champion, the Gold Standard John Sektor. John, tonight you are set to team up with former Best Alliance member Clay Byrd against two other former BA members in JPD and your opponent at Rumble at the Rock, Jatt Starr. First I want to ask you about your partner tonight. After your recent battle with Clay at Bottomline how do you think the two of you will work together in this match?

Sektor: First of all, Brian, don’t ever call me John. Only friends and enemies call me John. And you are neither. You are nobody..

Bare looks slightly dejected whilst Sektor just cracks a smirk before stroking the famous moustache as he prepares his answer.

Sektor: I’m not worried about Clay tonight. I know him well enough to know that he’s a man who puts business before grudges. He and I have a common goal tonight which is to beat our prospective pay per view opponents and head into our matches with that momentum. I fail to see how fucking me over will benefit Clay Byrd. If he wants to try anything funny then he and I are going to have a problem. But as I said, I’m not worried.

Brian Bare: So now onto Jatt. A couple of weeks ago you issued a challenge to Jatt Starr offering him the chance to compete against you in the #97 minute Iron man match at Rumble at the Rock for the LSD title. Jatt clearly still holds a grudge over the way to the two of you parted ways at War Games. What do you expect from him tonight.

Sektor laughs.

Sektor: Let me tell you something about Jatt..

“Why don’t you say it to my face…”

Sektor looks up out of the cameras shot and seems surprised but not afraid as he recognises the familiar voice. The famous blonde mop of Jatt Starr is soon stood across from him, staring him dead in the eyes.

Jatt Starr: …old chum!

Sektor and Jatt share a stern exchange of expressions, staring one another out as you could cut the tension with a knife. Sektor, not taking his eyes off Jatt for a second, begins to shoo Bare away with his hands. The backstage report skulks off as instructed, leaving the two former partners and Hall of Famers to their business.

Sektor: Oh I will happily say this to your face, hermano.

Jatt Starr: I ain’t your hermano, John-boy

Sektor smirks as the words gargle from the back of Jatt’s throat with malice.

Sektor: As I said to you before, I offered you this match not out of pity! But because I feel you deserve it. You deserve your chance to make history with me at Rumble at the Rock. You deserve a shot at this…

He nudges the LSD championship on his shoulder but keeps his eyes locked on Jatts.

Sektor: And you deserve your shot at me. Because I’m not a pussy Jatt. When I fuck someone over who I care about? I’m man enough to stick out my chin and let them take their shot. So this is it!

Jatt opens his mouth to talk but Sektor quickly halts him.

Sektor: Oh I aint done! But then you go too far Jatt. You disrespected me!

Jatt shrugs as if to say ‘and?’ which Sektor mimics.

Sektor: That’s fine. I probably deserve that. But this?

He lifts the LSD championship off his shoulder and holds it a little closer to Jatt’s face.

Sektor: This, deserves nothing but RESPECT! You think it’s clever calling it an STD championship? Let me tell you something, this title, right here? Is the only reason you have remained relevant as a singles competitor here in HOW!

Some faint ‘OHH’s’ can be heard from inside the LA arena.

Sektor: Call me names, joke about me, make all the fun you want but don’t ever disrespect this championship! And don’t get things twisted here, Jatt. YOU, are not the one giving anyone anything around here. I, fucking John Sektor, is the one giving Jatt Starr the chance to be in one of the greatest matches of all time. The chance at the LSD championship. The chance to still be able to do something worth a fuck in your career.

Jatt’s eyes twitch as he is visibly seething with anger.

Sektor: I was hoping for a match built on respect. Two brothers, going at it and putting on the performance of a lifetime. But now? Now I just want to wipe the floor with your ass and prove once and for all why I am better than you. And that’s exactly what’s going to happen Jatt. I got you for #97 minutes and for 97 minutes I’m going to out wrestle you, out class you and out MAN you!

The Ruler of Jattlantis stares at Sektor with the Manson lamps he calls eyes. The emotions conveyed from Jatt Starr’s glare — anger, disgust, pain — are unmistakable.

Jatt Starr: Well, that’s a lot of yip-yip-yappin’ there, Johnny-boy. I’m going to keep this short. You need to earn respect to get respect. After you allowed Dan Ryan and Conor Fuse to do what they did, I don’t have to respect you. And I don’t have to respect this bastardized version of the LSD Championship that you created just to show that you have dick to swing around, as teeny as it may be. You see, I could have started to respect you again but considering all that talking….do you know what two words I have yet to hear you say to me are?

Sektor does not move as he continues staring, steely eyed, at Jatt Starr.

Jatt Starr: “I’m sorry”. For all this bullshit you’re spewing, I have not heard an apology. That’s fine. An apology would mean admitting fault, admitting that you were wrong, and your narcissism and enormous ego would not allow that. But, I forgive you, John, I forgive you for being the deadbeat dad to Chloe. I forgive you for not having the balls to stand up to Max Kael. I forgive you for having less fans than Mark O’Neal. But most of all, I forgive you for being the selfish, asshole prick that you are and always will be. I just hope that you can forgive me for not only beating you and Clay Turd tonight, but I hope that you can forgive me for taking the ONLY thing that keeps you relevant, the LSD Champiionship.

Jatt Starr points at the LSD Championship, Sektor’s lips twitch into a sneer.

Jatt Starr: Oh, John, one more thing, I’ve already faced the greatest technical wrestler in the HOW, the HOW World Champion Conor Fuse! And you know what I have learned about myself? Unlike you, I don’t need a belt to be relevant….I am Jatt Fucking Starr.

The two share a final intense staredown before Jatt eventually smirks and turns his back on his former partner. The camera pans down to reveal Sektor’s fist is tightly clenched as his knuckles are completely white. As the camera pans back up it is evident on the LSD champion’s face that he is triggered, his eyes burning into the back of Jatt’s head as he watches him walk away.

Joe Hoffman: Welcome back from break. At Rumble at the Rock, High Flyer and Rah come to their inevitable conclusion. Right now, Blaire Moise is backstage with the Lunatic.

Benny Newell: That guy?! But we have a tag match I actually WANT to see next!

Joe Hoffman: It’ll only be a minute.

Cut to backstage, where Blaire stands next to High Flyer, who just chews gum obnoxiously. He doesn’t look happy. His traditional green hair has a light streak of red in it today.

Blaire Boise: Ladies and gentleman, High Flyer.

Flyer cocks his head to Blaire as she continues.

Blaire Boise: You’ve got a rematch against Rah, who’s come out to say he’s retiring after he intends to DESTROY you. He–

Flyer snatches the microphone out of Blaire’s hand with speed. She’s a bit shocked, and takes a step back. Flyer takes two steps forward, and growls, before turning toward the camera. The HOW camera zooms in as Blaire’s heels clatter away.

High Flyer: So the GOD RAH is one day away from retirement. Ride off into the sunset with his blushing broken bride and fornicate himself old. And he wants to put the ol’ wiley vet down for good before he does. Thing is, I’m not one day away from retirement. I don’t have a bullseye on my chest. I’m not going to be a victim of retirony. You, my friend, have forgone the path I chose for you, to choose the easy way out.

Flyer scoffs, and growls a bit under his breath, looking away from the camera.

High Flyer: I thought you’d be the next BEST thing in this place. I guess I put my time into the WRONG person. So. Rah wants to destroy me huh?

Flyer looks back into the camera, stoic.

High Flyer: Let him come. Let him try. And let me prove why dying a day before retirement is a trope based in reality. Rah, you’ve made yourself mortal, and it’s time to face death. Then, when Sunny stares on shocked from ringside at your lifeless corpse at the Rock, when Dawn’s bloodcurdling SCREAMS send shivers down the entire HOW audience’s spines… everyone will realize that Sunny does not give orders.

Flyer leans into the camera so his face covers it.

High Flyer: I do what I want, when I want. And Rah, when we Rumble? I’m going to do my best Mike Best impression. Straight up… murder…

Flyer throws the camera, causing the cameraman themselves to fall to the ground, as Blaire rushes into frame to help him up. The scene fades to ringside and the cheering crowd.

As we come back to ringside, the Hall of Fame duo is ready to call our next match.

Joe Hoffman: Welcome back ladies and gentlemen where we will have a HUGE tag team match that can alter the momentum of Rumble at the Rock.

Benny Newell: That’s right. I am all sorts of conflicted with this match as it is all former Best Alliance members who have obviously begun to go their own way since the last time we saw Lee…WHO IS STILL ALIVE ASSHOLES!!!!

Joe Hoffman: That could very well be true, but tonight these four individuals have to put their ambitions aside and work together to get this win.

Benny Newell: That’s not all Hoffman because I’m happy to introduce our latest product from Reesemart.

Joe Hoffman: Really? What is the new product?

Benny Newell: Reesemart has released our first sets of action figures and look who made the cut.

Benny places the box on the announcers table and we see figures of Joe and Benny behind the desk with special guest commentator, QT Reese.

Benny Newell: That’s right you can have us calling the action from home, but that not all as we have our first Arena collection.

Benny places the next box up on the table and it says Rumble at the Rock exclusive.

Benny Newell: Those who pre-order tonight will get this exclusive crucified Scottywood action figure and you will get QT Reese as well with hammer and nails to put Scooter on his cross because no one does being crucified better than Scotty.

Benny smirks.

Benny Newell: Last, but not least, we have our Legends line.

Joe Hoffman: Legends line?

Benny Newell: Yeah, former or current HOW stars who have made an impact here. Hot off the presses….BOB FUCKING JARED with additional variants of his chest hair. GET IT NOW BEFORE IT HITS THE ‘BAY!!

Hoffman shakes his head.

Joe Hoffman: Let’s go to the ring.

With that, Bryan McVay is ready in the ring.

Bryan McVay: This match is set for one fall……

Crowd: ONE FALL!

Bryan McVay: With a twenty minute time limit

The crowd cheers in anticipation for the title match.

Bryan McVay: Introducing first………

Guitar and harmonica begin to blare through the arena, the start of “Gunning For You” by Nick Nolan sends a silence across the crowd as Nick Nolan’s lyrics echo through the arena. Red letters slash across the screen as “BYRD” is spelled out. Clay appears through fog on the entrance ramp, cowboy hat low over his eyes, a long black duster on and a rope in his hand.

Bryan McVay: From Plainview, TX and weighing in at 295 lbs….he is CLAY! BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYRDDDDDDDDDDD

Clay begins his slow walk down the ramp.

Joe Hoffman: Clay has been in a lot of big matches in his short career in HOW, but Rumble at the Rock could be his biggest as he could Main Event our biggest event.

Benny Newell: Highly unlikely Hoffman because Clay will do what Clay does best and that’s choke.

His eyes are fixed on the ring, and he trudges on. Not paying any notice to any of the fans in attendance. Clay walks up the steps, and climbs into the ring as

“Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” by AC/DC

Joe Hoffman: The familiar tune of The Gold Standard.

Benny Newell: Damn right it is Hoffman! The Golden Standard of HOW is about to put on a wrestling clinic for these idiots here tonight.

The Master of The “Stache” steps out from behind the curtain and the crowd gives him a round of applause.

Joe Hoffman: Sektor looking very focused.

Benny Newell: He’s the definition of what a champion is Hoffman. Of course, he’s fucking focused. Maybe Clay can enroll in Sektor’s school and he may finally win a championship. DRINK!

Sektor hams it up, deviously stroking his ‘stache as he cockily marches down to the ring. No sooner has Sektor stepped into the ring than his music begins to fade out.

Bryan McVay: And his partner, from Miami, Florida… he stands at 6’1” and weighs in at a formidable 245 pounds… He is the reigning HIGH OCTANE WRESTLING LSD CHAMPION! He is… THE GOLD STANDARD! JOHN!…SEEEEEEKTOOOOOOOR!

Bryan McVay: And their opponents………

The words “The King has Returned.” echo throughout the building.

The crowd stands on its feet as smoke begins to build on stage. The sound of Kingdom by Jaxson Gamble begins to blare as a spotlight shines on stage. The crowd gives a mixed reaction as through the smoke appears Jace Parker Davidson but Madison isn’t by his side it’s the Wabid Wabbit.

Bryan McVay: From Miami, FL and weighing in at 253 lbs….he is THE KING OF EVERYTHING! JACE! PARKER! DAAAAAAAAVIIIIIIDSOOOOOOOOON!

Jace looks out at the crowd and soaks in the reception as he turns around and shakes his head at the Wabid Wabbit.

Joe Hoffman: Jace was banned from the building for what he did to Ray McAvay and this was the only way he could get in.

Benny Newell: Which is pretty fucking stupid because it isn’t Jace’s fault McAvay ran into Jace’s lit matches.

The two make their way down the ramp slowly as fans reach over the barricade trying to touch the Jace and Wabbit sprays them down with the fire extinguisher.

Benny Newell: We sale those at Reesemart for the low price of $99.97.

Joe Hoffman: Let me guess, they are test to the light tubes.

Benny Newell: How did you know?

Joe Hoffman: SKYMONT told me.

Wabbit takes his place at ringside by Benny as Jace slides under the bottom rope to enter the ring. Jace pops to his feet and makes his way over to the nearest corner and climbs the turnbuckle to pose for the crowd.

Benny Newell: These filth better show some respect to the King.

Hopping down Jace goes to his corner and begins to stretch before the match starts as the lights go out and one by one yellow spotlights illuminate the ramp from the ring to the curtain.

Benny Newell: HE’S HERE!

“Everybody Wants You” by Billy Squier blares across the arena and emerging from the curtain is Jatt Starr, sporting his red and black plaid suit.

Bryan McVay: And his partner, from Havre, Montana and weighing in at 220 lbs….he is JATT! STTTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

Jatt doesn’t walk down the ramp as much as he struts down the ramp flanked by Anton the Fourth.

Joe Hoffman: Arguably the greatest superstar in HOW history.

Benny Newell: Arguably? He is you twit!

Jatt Starr removes his suit jacket and carefully folds it before handing it to the Anton as the ring becomes illuminated in yellow light. Jatt Starr walks up the ring steps to the apron where Anton opens the top and middle ropes and the Ruler of Jattlantis enters.

Benny Newell: That fool better open those ropes for Jatt!

The Sultan of SeaJattle stands in the middle of the ring, all of the other lights go out save for one yellow spotlight in the middle of the ring where he stands, soaking in the cheers and jeers from the audience.

Joe Hoffman: Whether you hate him or love him, Jatt is respected by all.

Benny Newell: DAMN RIGHT! LET’S GO JATT!

The spotlight fades the house lights come up and Jatt Starr heads towards corner and leans nonchalantly on the turnbuckle waiting for the match to begin.

Ding. Ding.

Joe Hoffman: And here we go…..

Sektor and Jatt come out of their respective corners and meet up in the center of the ring.

Joe Hoffman: Oh my! We are going to see the Iron Man match right now!

Sektor and Jatt trash told one another before Sektor gives Jatt the finger and backs away tagging Clay Byrd in.

Joe Hoffman: Looks like Sektor wants no part of Jatt.

Benny Newell: You hold your tongue Hoffhole! Sektor apparently isn’t all the way stretched out.

Jatt shakes his head as Clay makes his way into the ring as the crowd begins to let Sektor hear it.

Crowd: SUCK-TURD! SUCK-TURD! SUCK-TURD!

Benny Newell: You disrespectful filth!

Jatt gets the crowd pump and is feeding off of the energy as he goes to lock up with Clay but the Texan displays his strength by throwing Jatt to the canvas.

Joe Hoffman: Jatt isn’t going to match power for power with Clay.

Benny Newell: No shit.

Jatt gets to his feet and meets Clay in the center of the ring and extends his hand.

Joe Hoffman: A handshake?

Benny Newell: What? Jatt can’t display sportsmanship?

The Master of Jatturday Night Fever seems upset that Clay won’t shake his hand so he sucker punches him in the face staggering the Texan allowing Jatt to hit the ropes and deliver a shoulder tackle…….or so he thought.

Joe Hoffman: Shoulder tackle didn’t faze Clay.

Benny Newell: No one cares about Ryan Faze Hoffman!

Jatt backs up a little and attempts another shoulder block, but the Texan doesn’t budge. Clay yells at Jatt to do it again, and Jatt feigns as if he is going to do it a third time, but doubles over Clay and quickly grabs him by the neck.

Joe Hoffman: DD-JATT!

The Starrson City Icon spikes Clay’s head off of the canvas and goes for a cover.

One.

NO!

Clay powers out before the count of two.

Benny Newell: Slow count by Bitcher as usual.

Jatt doesn’t let Clay breathe as he puts the boots to him. The Hall of Famer picks up Byrd and goes to whip him, but the Texan puts on the breaks and yanks Jatt towards him driving his massive shoulder into The Starrkham Savior. Clay continues to drive his shoulder into Jatt’s as he makes his way to his corner to a waiting Sektor.

Joe Hoffman: Clay is warming up that shoulder for Sektor to pick apart.

As Clay reaches for the tag, Jatt is able to slip away and back to his corner as Jace tags himself in and Sektor hits the outstretched hand of Clay.

Joe Hoffman: Looks like each member is working together.

Benny Newell: Why wouldn’t they.

Jace and Sektor lock up and the Gold Standard quickly transitions to the back and trips up the King and starts to paintbrush the back of Jace’s head.

Benny Newell: That’s why he’s a TECHNICAL GOD HOFFMAN!

Joe Hoffman: Because he can slap people in the back of the head?

Benny Newell: Shut the fuck up!

Jace nods in amusement and the two lock up once again and this time it’s Jace who goes behind and trips up Sektor and slaps him in the back of the head along with spinning a couple of times on his back to add insult of injury.

Joe Hoffman: Some people may not be aware but Jace can wrestle when he wants to. He isn’t just a high flyer.

Benny Newell: You can flippy shit these nuts Hoffman.

Sektor starts to mouth at Jace and the King simply shrugs when the Gold Standard hits Clay in the back to tag the Texan back in.

Joe Hoffman: Guess Clay wasn’t expecting that.

Benny Newell: And that’s why he’s never been a champion Hoffman. He has to expect everything.

Clay stands on the apron and gives Sektor a look before entering the ring as the crowd explodes in anticipation of Clay and Jace colliding.

Joe Hoffman: Looks like we are going to see someone sent to the infirmary early.

Benny Newell: I’m going to slap the shit out of you.

Clay and Jace meet the center of the ring and the words coming out of both of their mouths would have us canceled on other networks, but not on HOTv.

Joe Hoffman: Who’s going to make the first move?

Clay makes the first move as he delivers a forearm to the face of the King.

Crowd: FUCK EM UP CLAY!

Jace staggers a bit and checks his mouth for blood before delivering his own forearm shot to Byrd.

Crowd: FUCK EM UP JACE!

Clay and Jace both grab each other by the head and deliver a flurry of forearms to each other. Jace delivers a quick knee to the gut to stun the Texan long enough to back him into the ropes and build momentum to whip Clay across the ring, but Byrd reverses it.

Joe Hoffman: Clay with the reversal and blind tag!

Clay bends down and Jace leap frogs him and takes out Sektor while Jatt comes into the ring and nails Clay with a knee smash face buster.

Joe Hoffman: ART STARR-KNEE!

Jatt goes for the cover.

One.

Two.

Thr….

NO!

Sektor makes the save with an diving forearm to the back of Jatt head. Sektor uses the referee’s five count to inflict as much pain on his opponent for Rumble at the Rock as he targets the shoulder of The Baron of Boca Jatton.

Benny Newell: Come on Sektor don’t injure him yet!

Sektor makes his way back to his corner and begins to pace back and forth on the apron. Both men are down and the official begins his count.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Both men roll to all fours.

Five.

Six.

Both men are pulling themselves to their feet and as they do they begin trading shots.

Crowd: CLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Jatt delivers a staggering right.

Crowd: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT!

Jatt rushes in, but Clay sees him coming and delivers a ring shaking spinebuster.

Joe Hoffman: Massive spinebuster from the Texan!

Benny Newell: I hope Jatt’s ok!

The momentum pops Clay to his feet and he staggers back towards his corner and Sektor slaps him on the chest to tag himself in and Clay doesn’t like that.

Joe Hoffman: Are we about to see a break down here?

Sektor and Clay exchange looks as the Gold Standard quickly goes for a cover.

One.

Two.

Thr…..

NO!

Jace with the save and the King of Everything mounts Sektor and begins to deliver right hands before he is pulled off by the official.

Benny Newell: Those were closed fists Bitcher! DQ! DQ!

Sektor goes over to his corner and slaps Clay in the chest to tag him into the ring even though he still hasn’t recovered. Clay enters the ring and the Clay looks as if he’s going to murder Sektor.

Joe Hoffman: Sektor may have pressed Clay’s last button.

Benny Newell: If that dumb Texan wants to win he’ll do his fucking job.

Clay slowly turns before whipping back around and slapping Sektor across the face.

Clay Byrd: TAG! YOU’RE IT!

Clay then grabs the ropes and slingshots Sektor back into the ring.

Benny Newell: What the fuck is this?!?!?!?!?

Sektor gets up slowly and he begins to mouth with Clay and doesn’t see that Jatt is on his feet.

Joe Hoffman: Jatt’s on his feet!

Jatt grabs Sektor’s arms and spins him around and drives him face first.

Joe Hoffman: FALLING STARR!

Instead of going for the cover, Jatt pulls Sektor up to all fours and tags in Jace who hits the ropes with authority.

Joe Hoffman: BEND THE KNEE!

Jace shoots the half and hooks a leg.

Cover.

One.

Two.

Thr……

NO!

Clay breaks up the pinfall with a steel chair across Jace’s back!

Benny Newell: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?

Before Jatt realizes what’s going on a steal chair hits him across the face.

DING. DING. DING.

Bryan McVay: And your winners by disqualification!….JATT! STARR! AND JACE! PARKER! DAVIDSON!

Joe Hoffman: Jace and Jatt don’t look like winners right now.

Clay lifts the chair once more and begins to deliver shots to Jatt and Jace before tossing the chair to the mat and throwing his arms into the arm before rolling out of the ring and heading up the ramp as the crowd boos loudly.

Joe Hoffman: It was clear as all day that Jatt and Jace were about to secure the pinfall victory but in the record books they will get the W regardless as Clay just showed that he has had enough of his former stablemates.

Benny Newell: So did Clay just join team NO CONTEST/PRO DISQUALIFICATION?

Before Joe can retort….we cut away.

Static

It fills the screen and speakers, causing some fans at home to check their television signals or lower the volume on their set. It flickers to black for a fraction of a second before returning to static and then back to black once again.

This time it sticks.

There’s nothing the naked eye can see, but the sound of someone dragging steel against the concrete can be heard loud and clear. It lasts for a few seconds before it ceases and then a metal folding chair is seen as it slams into the ground in a seated position.

Then a man steps over the chair and sits in it, his elbows landing upon his knees as his dark black eyes glare into the camera. Dark brown hair lands just underneath his shoulders and a bushy black bear covers the bottom third of his face.

As the fans at home and in the Staples Center lay eyes upon him, they recognize him after a beat.

David Noble

There is no emotion in his face as he stares straight ahead. He wears a white short-sleeve shirt with his biceps bulging from underneath it. Noble slowly licks his lips and then begins to speak in a low, gravelly voice.

David Noble: H-O-W… it’s been a long time. Not here, you see, but everywhere else. The guy that left DEFIANCE in a hurry, the guy that your buddy says he saw fighting another wrestler at a local fairground in Monterey Park, the guy that another buddy says he saw fighting bare-knuckle style in a bar in Bismarck. The guy that basically became a ghost. No longer.

Noble then sits back on the chair.

David Noble: I’ve been silent for far too long, in the shadows for far longer than I ever intended. Something inside of me… died… when I was in DEFIANCE. They told me to tone it down when all I wanted to do was smash my fist into someone’s face. Over and over again. Instead of being able to do that in a place I thought was home, I had to go and do it elsewhere. I became a ticking time bomb to some promoters as they saw someone who couldn’t be counted on. So I would show up for a show, fight, and head on to the next stop. Sometimes that may have been a paid show, other times it was in a ring, other times it was in a cage, I didn’t care! All I knew was that something inside of me needed to hit people and not give a fuck after I walked away of the consequences.

David sits there, his chest slowly rising and falling, but his eyes never breaking from the camera.

David Noble: I didn’t care who I had to fight. The bigger they were, the better. I wanted to feel pain. I wanted them to feel my wrath. Did I win? Yeah. Did I lose? Yeah. Did I care? Fuck no. When you’ve lived the life I’ve lived, when you’ve experienced the life I’ve lived, sometimes you just need to feel something, anything, out of the ordinary. I didn’t care if I was being paid $5 or $500. I’ve made my money, performing for thousands in PRIME, fWo, and DEFIANCE. I didn’t need it anymore, still don’t. It became all part of just desperation to feel something, anything.

Then a smile appears over Noble’s face.

David Noble: Then, someone from HOW reached out to me. They told me about this place. They said you can be as violent as you want to be. I said cool. They said you can fight people over and over again if you want to. I said cool. They said we will pay you more money than you’re making now to punch people. I said cool. Can I let you in on a secret though?

He then leans in closer to the camera.

David Noble: Those people who signed me? They fucked up. Because I don’t give a damn if y’all cheer me or boo me, because when I step inside of that ring, I’m here to fight. I’m going to pound you in the face, I’m going to snap my knee across your nose until it breaks, and I’m going to put on a show each and every night because there’s no question that when it comes to stepping inside of the ring, I’m one of the best to ever do it. Doubt me? Go check out my history. Watch the tapes, get on Twitter and talk to your friends about it, because I know what I’ve done in that ring, I know the matches I’ve put on, and can’t no one tell me any different.

He then leans back in his chair again.

David Noble: Get ready, because I’m back and I’m ready to sell out shows, put on matches that no one around here can top, and break people’s spirits along the way. I don’t care if I win or lose, I don’t care if I open the show or main event, because at the end of the day, it all comes down to getting my pound of flesh. When it’s all said and done, you’ve been warned that if you step in the ring with me, you may be announced as the winner, but they won’t be raising your hand. Times are a-changin’ and I’m just the man the doctor ordered.

David then stands up and picks up his chair, folding it up in the process.

David Noble: Rumble at the Rock is coming up. Alcatraz. Sounds like my kind of place. I’ll be ready for a fight. I’ve got someone in mind that needs a rude awakening. I guess I’ll see y’all there.

Noble then slings his chair over his shoulder and walks back, into the black.

Static

World Championship Match
Michael Lee Best vs. Conor Fuse©

97 Minute Iron Man Match for the LSD Championship
Jatt Starr vs. John Sektor©

7 Deadly Sins Match in the Prison Yard for the HOTv Championship
QT Reese vs Steve Solex vs. Doozer vs. Cancer Jiles vs. Scottywood vs. Bobby Dean vs. Brian Hollywood vs. Jeffrey James Roberts©

Infirmary Match with the winner earning a spot in the Main Event at ICONIC
Jace Parker Davidson vs. Clay Byrd

 Guard Tower Match
Darin Zion vs. Xander Azula

General Population Match
Rah vs. High Flyer

Back live and we cut back to the Hall of Fame announce team for our next match.

Joe Hoffman: One week after winning the HOTv title from Brian Hollywood, the new champion James Jeffrey Roberts defends the title tonight against former HOTv champion Steve Solex.

This beginning of “This Means War” by Avenged Sevenfold thumps from the sound system as the crowd explodes into a fury of boos and hisses.  A montage of Steve Solex plays on the HOV, flashing on and off in rhythm with the music.

Joe Hoffman: Steve Solex defeated Darin Zion and Zeb Martin back in June to become the first HOTv champion and then lost the belt to Jace Parker Davidson a month later.

Benny Newell: I didn’t like it when Solex wrestled JPD a few weeks back and I don’t like Solex, who clearly is a walking tag team in his mind right now, going up against Jeffrey James Roberts.

As the music stalls, the HOV goes black as the lights throughout the arena go dark.  A bomb like explosion blasts at the top of the entry way sending a plume of smoke up and in front of the HOV in the shape of a mushroom cloud, and at that moment the music returns and Steve Solex makes his way out from behind the curtain, escorted by the EPU.  

The montage continues to play on the HOV as Solex stops atop the entrance ramp and pounds his chest twice with a white knuckled fist before throwing his hands high up into the air.  He soaks in the boos from the crowd before marching down to the ring.  No glitz, no high fives, just a fast-paced march and the look of cold-blooded killer.  He slides under the bottom rope and stares down the referee before finding his corner and resting back into it.

Joe Hoffman: Okay.  The challenger’s in the ring.  Now we wait for-

“Goldberg Variations” by Johann Sebastian Bach plays over the speakers as four security guards step out onto the stage. 

Joe Hoffman: … the HOTv champion.

They form a square as Jeffrey James Roberts steps out and stands in the middle. His hands are out front, tied with plastic ziptie cuffs, and he walks toward the ring, keeping his eyes focused on it. 

The guards keep a perimeter to make sure he can’t reach any fans and they walk with him all the way to ringside.

The guard in front unlocks the cuffs, then steps back to allow Roberts to climb into the ring. He does so, then leans back against one corner, his eyes closed, head back, swaying slightly to the music.

Hall of Fame ring announcer Bryan McVay stands in the middle of the ring and gets right to work.

Bryan McVay: Our next match will be one fall and it will be for the HOTv Title!  

He pauses as the crowd cheers in response.

Bryan McVay: Introducing the challenger.  He is from Huntington Beach, California and is a former HOTv champion.  Weighing in tonight at two hundred and fifty-two pounds- STEVE SOOOOOOOOO-LEX!  

No emotion from Solex.  His eyes are affixed to Jeffrey James Roberts.  

Bryan McVay: And his opponent, weighing in at two hundred and thirty pounds.  From Gainesville, Florida.  The CURRENT HOTv CHAMPION.  JEFFREY.  JAMES. ROBERTS! 

Roberts matches Solex’s gaze.  He appears at peace and nods his head. 

Joe Hoffman: These two will meet again in two weeks in the 7 Deadly Sins Match for the HOTv title along with Scottywood, Doozer, Brian Hollywood, Eli Dresden, and Bobby Dean.  But tonight, it’s just Roberts and Solex for the HOTv title.

Benny Newell: Unless someone has a good friend for dinner tonight.

Joe Hoffman: Benny.

Benny Newell: With fava beans and a chianti.

Joe Hoffman: Benny!

Referee Joel Hortega does an abbreviated check of both men before he calls for the bell.

*DING-DING*

Joe Hoffman: Here we go!  

JJR takes a few steps forward.  Solex runs forward and spears him to the mat.  He mounts the HOTv champion and lands blow after blow to the head.  Hortega tries to step him.  Solex shoves him back and continues to rain down right hands.  

Benny Newell: GO DAD-SOLDIER!  FIGHT LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!  

Benny pulls out a second bottle of Jack Daniels to get him through the match.

Benny Newell: Because it probably does. 

Poke to the eyes by Roberts.  Roberts shoves Solex off of him.  Roberts yanks Solex up.  Waist lock.  Lift.  Slam.   

Joe Hoffman: Belly to Belly Suplex by James Jeffrey Roberts and that stops Solex’s fast start.  

Roberts whips Solex to the ropes and charges forward.  Solex ducks under a clothesline and runs the ropes.  Roberts turns- big boot to the gut stops Solex.  Then he steps forward and fires off haymakers.  Again, Roberts whips Solex to the ropes- BIG ELBOW on the return.

Joe Hoffman: That stunned Solex. 

Benny Newell: Come on Steve.

Roberts tries to trap Solex in the corner.  Solex spins away and takes a headlock.  Roberts squeezes out.  Solex hits a short-arm clothesline.  He covers.

UN-

Roberts throws Solex off.

Joe Hoffman: Roberts not even down for a one count.  

Solex jumps on Roberts’s back…

Joe Hoffman: SLEEPER HOLD!  

The former HOTv champion clamps on the sleeper.  Roberts spins around a couple times.  

Joe Hoffman: I don’t think he has it cinched in enough.

Roberts calmly backs up to the corner and crushes Solex against the turnbuckle.  Solex holds on so Roberts steps forward and smashes Solex back against the turnbuckle a second time.  Roberts also throws back a couple elbows to the gut as well.   He spins and starts driving his shoulder into Solex’s gut now.  

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Ten. 

Roberts finally steps back.  Solex’s legs give way and he slips to a seated position.  Roberts drives a boot in.  

Benny Newell: Fuck.  Steve Solex is the best Dad in the whole fucking world, a war hero, one hell of a great American, and one hell of a great man.  He doesn’t deserve this.  

Roberts with another boot.

And another.  

And another.  

And another. 

And… two hands shoot up and stop another boot.  

Joe Hoffman: SOLEX GRABS THE BOOT.  

He sweeps Robert’s leg and sends the HOTv champion.  

Joe Hoffman: Down goes Roberts.  

Benny Newell: GO SOLEX! GO!

Solex scrambles for the cover.  

UNO- Roberts kicks out.  

Solex wrenches to a hammerlock.   

Joe Hoffman: Now the challenger tries to wear down Roberts.  

Solex puts maximum pressure on the hold.  Roberts throws a forearm.

And another.  Solex blinks and shakes his head.  

A third forearm causes Solex to let go, Roberts goes to whip him to the ropes.  Solex reverses.  But Roberts redirects and cuts Solex down with a clothesline.   Roberts scoops Solex up into a BACKBREAKER!   Roberts hooks the leg.

UNO…

DOS- 

Solex gets a shoulder up and stumbles to a corner.  Roberts methodically follows and stomps him down to the mat.  He drives the boot into Solex over and over.   Hortega finally starts a five count.

UNO

Another boot.

DOS

Another boot.

TRES

Another boot.

CUATRO!

Finally Roberts pulls back and steps back.  Solex grabs on to the ropes and tries to pull himself up.   He finally gets to his feet.  Roberts moves in and starts with the chops.

WOOOOOOO!

CHOP

WOOOOOOO!

CHOP

WOOOOOOO! 

*SNAP* 

Joe Hoffman: SUPERKICK BY ROBERTS! 

Benny Newell: Shit! 

Solex collapses.  Roberts goes right for the cover.

UNO…

DOS…

Joe Hoffman: Solex reverses and rolls Roberts up!

UNO…

DOS…

Joe Hoffman: Roberts kicks out and Steve Solex came very close to stealing one there. 

Benny Newell: Bullshit.  

Invigorated, Solex lifts and then slams Roberts back down onto the mat. 

Joe Hoffman: Solex is fighting back!

Benny Newell: GO DAD-SOLDIER!  

Solex quickly mounts Roberts and unloads a fury of closed hand rights and lefts to the head.  Hortega taps Solex on the shoulder.  Solex pushes his hand away and continues his assault.  Hortega starts a five count.  

UNO!

DOS!

TRES!

Solex pauses…

…then he tries to take a bite out of his opponent’s forehead.  

Joe Hoffman: WHAT?  Did he just do what I think he just did?

Roberts gets his hands up and jams them in Solex’s face to keep him at bay.

Benny Newell: He did the same thing to Jace Parker Davidson a few weeks back and it didn’t work then either.

Joe Hoffman: But why would he?

Benny Newell: These two need to go have a quiet dinner somewhere before the PPV. I mean seriously. All this nibbling!

Headbutt by Roberts gets Solex’s attention.  

A second headbutt takes the starch out.  The third one dislodges him and Roberts shoves him off.  

Joe Hoffman: Roberts fights out of it and Solex rolls out of the ring.  

Roberts follows and immediately slings him right back in.  He puts Solex’s head between his legs, lifts, and quickly slams Solex down to the mat.

Joe Hoffman: Snap Powerbomb by Roberts and that shook the ring!  

Benny Newell: NO! 

Cover.  

UNO…

DOS…

TR- NO!

Joe Hoffman: SOLEX KICKED OUT! SOLEX KICKED OUT!

Front facelock by Roberts.  He hooks Solex by his tights and lifts him upside down and drops him to the mat. 

Joe Hoffman: MASK OF SANITY!  

Benny Newell: FUCK!

Roberts quickly to the top turnbuckle.  Backflip and he lands on Solex with his knee across his throat.

Joe Hoffman: SHOOTING STAR GUILLOTINE! THIS COULD BE IT!

UNO…

DOS…

TRES…

*DING-DING-DING*

Joe Hoffman: And it is.  Jeffrey James Roberts retains. 

Bryan McVay rolls into the ring along with several members of the EPU as they will not even ALLOW Roberts the thought to attack Solex.

Bryan McVay: Your winner and STILL the HOTv CHAMPION!  JEFFREY!  JAMES!  ROBERTS!  

We cut away as the EPU put both the HOTv Champion and Solex both in restraints.

The HOV fires up.

(FRIDAY NIGHT: Rah vs. Bob Zardoz – MVW House Show in York, Nebraska)
-Rah lifts Bob Zardoz (a wrestler who’s dressed in the same outfit Sean Connery’s ‘Zardoz’ character wore in the 1974 cult classic movie) into the air. 
-Rah proceeds to slam him with maximum force to the mat with the EYE OF RAHHHHHHHHH!.  

Joe Hoffman: Last night, Rah returned to the ring for the first time since he defeated High Flyer at Bottomline.

Benny Newell: RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Joe Hoffman: Rah showed no ill effects from the Sunny O’Callahan SUV incident on September 25th and it looks like he should be ready to go in two weeks when he faces High Flyer again- this time in a General Population match at Rumble at the Rock.  

Benny Newell: RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Joe Hoffman: I am also very happy to report that Rah’s wife Dawn McGill was released from the Cleveland Clinic earlier this week and-

“Queen of Mean” by Albert Cummings- a mid-tempo contemporary blues song- interrupts Joe mid-sentence.

Mirror, mirror on the wall. 
Who is the meanest of them all

Benny Newell: What the fuck is this?

Joe Hoffman: I guess it means it’s time for our next segment.  

The mirror looked back and that’s all it took
It shattered into pieces after just one look…

Benny Newell: Who is this?

Joe Hoffman: Let’s see.

Joe reviews the run-sheet.

Joe Hoffman: It says… Sunny O’Callahan.

Benny, in mid-drink, spews out the Jack.

Benny Newell: You’ve got to be kidding me.

She’s the queen… The queen of mean

Benny Newell: She’s got her own fucking entrance music now?  

Joe shrugs. 

She’s the queen… the queen of mean.

Benny Newell: Does she think she’s the fucking star of the show or something?

Out of all the women out there
She’s the meanest one I’ve ever seen…

Joe Hoffman: Hang on Benny.  I’m getting word that there’s something happening backstage.  

But instead of cutting backstage, the HOV fires up again and the picture zooms in on a female who’s knocked out cold and lying in a crumpled heap on the floor.

Joe Hoffman: That’s Sunny O’Callahan!  Someone attacked her backstage.

The camera pans slightly to the right.  Who’s standing over Sunny?

Dawn McGill.  

Benny Newell (offscreen): DAWN MEDUSA! 

McGill raises her left arm which has a hard cast on it.  She also has a boot on her left foot.

Dawn McGill: They were right.  You can do some serious cowboy shit with this cast!

Who’s with her?

Rah: Do you feel better now?

Rah enters the scene with arms folded in front of him. 

Benny Newell (offscreen): RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Dawn McGill: No!

Dawn picks up the queen’s crown from the floor next to Sunny and chucks it at her head.  

*BONK*

Dawn McGill: HERE’S YOUR STUPID CROWN! 

Rah takes her by the hand.

Rah: Perhaps we should leave now.

He attempts to gently move her along but she’s not done yet.  Dawn takes a wild kick at the unconscious O’Callahan with her injured leg and misses.

Dawn McGill: I HOPE LINDSAY TROY SUES YOUR ASS FOR GIMMICK INFRINGEMENT, BITCH!

Rah is finally forced to lift her off the ground.  He goes to carry her off screen but not before she delivers one last parting shot. 

Dawn McGill: MOLDOVA SUCKS!

Puzzled at this random outburst, unsure of how exactly to respond, Rah decides to just go with the flow.

Rah: YEAH.   

Rah drags McGill off screen. 

Rah: MOLDOVA SUCKS!

The HOV fades to black and we cut back to Joe and Benny.

Benny Newell: What the fuck is a Moldova?

Joe can only shrug as we cut away.

Backstage at the Staples Center, the Son of God is walking backstage in full wrestling gear, a black “NO CONTEST” t-shirt with white letters clung snugly to his athletic frame. At his immediate right, HOW Hall of Famer Cecilworth Farthington wears a T-shirt to match, and the fans live in the arena respond accordingly as their faces show up on the HOV.

As Michael Lee Best finishes off the end of a bottle of Aquafina, HOW interviewer Blaire Moise waltzes into the frame, holding a microphone. Immediately, the Son of God tightens up— Blaire doesn’t seem much happier to see him either, but a job is a job.

Blaire Moise: Michael.

Mike Best: Moose.

Cecilworth loudly clear his throat, seemingly slighted that no one seems to realize that he is also here tonight and has a match. He cut a very good promo and everything.

Blaire Moise: Hello, Cecilworth. Welcome back!

Cecilworth Farthington: Thank you, yes, I am a person who is back.

The trio stands around, using up precious seconds of live television time confirming for the world that Michael Best and Blaire Moise have the professional chemistry oil and water. Cecilworth clears his throat again, trying to get things back on track.

Blaire Moise: Michael, you and Cecilworth have earned the right to challenge for the 39% HOW Tag Team Championships here tonight. Scotty has made it very clear that his goal is to inflict as much damage as possible ahead of your HOW World Title match at Rumble at the Rock.

Michael stares at Blaire.

Mike Best: …and the question?

He looks at Cecilworth, as if to say “this bitch” using only his eyes. His best friend’s eyes return his concern with an expression that says “this bitch indeed”.

Blaire Moise: …like, how do you feel about that? I know you know that’s what I meant. Please just let me do my job.

Mike Best: I’d LOVE for you to do your job.

Another few seconds of silence.

Mike Best: Look, tonight the team of NO CONTEST has the opportunity to put a little more respect on the name of the HOW Tag Team Championships. Belts that have been mistreated and devalued for years— I know what I signed up for, because I signed up for it. I can make jokes about hair dye and garbage bags all day, but I signed up to face two Hall of Famers. Two former HOW World Champions. A dangerous team with dangerous intent. But me and my best friend here?

He slaps Cecilworth on the back, a legitimate smile coming over his face.

Mike Best: This is the dream team. The only person I can trust one hundred percent to have my back. We are the patron saints of “Fuck Around and Find Out”, and tonight Team Scottywoke is gonna find out.

Blaire Moise: Cecilworth, you’ve been clear about the fact that while you have signed a one night wrestling contract to compete here in Los Angeles, you remain signed to the Best Family as a HOFC fighter. Do you care to elaborate on the terms of that deal, and why you didn’t convert back to a standard contract like the other HOFC fighters when the division folded?

Wrestling’s most dangerous turns toward his tag team partner, shooting him a glance.

Cecilworth Farthington: Excellent question. No.

Blaire Moise: Well, if you aren’t a wrestler, and the HOFC division is now defunct, what is your role in HOW?

Cecilworth Farthington: Scotty’s contract just expired, I think we just get to do whatevs these days. This is my whatevs, Ms. Moose – protecting the integrity of HOW from the litany of babies, morons, and entitled lads that seem to be scampering about, wailing to the moon like an inept werewolf. That’s why I’ll be in this man’s corner—

He points at the Son of God.

Cecilworth Farthington: —at Rumble at the Rock, to ensure that the main event stays a one on one affair, devoid of toddlers, simpletons, complainers, and Game Boys.

Blaire Moise: Game Boys?

Cecilworth Farthington: Massive unit, big beefy boy, only around when Conor has the sads. Has a penchant for stepping in during times of desperation. Don’t step in, Mr. Boy. I will break your fucking arm.

Despite the levity in his tone, the look in the Hall of Famer’s eyes is deadly serious. After letting that linger in the air for a moment, Blaire turns back to the Son of God.

Blaire Moise: Well speaking of your match against Conor Fuse, at Rumble at the Rock you face a man you’ve called the most talented athlete in HOW. What’s your mental state heading into a match like that? What’s your strategy?

Mike Best: Win. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Blaire, I like Conor Fuse. I respect him. At a pay-per-view full of blood, chaos and a lot of dangerous, rusted metal laying around, I intend to beat him in a WRESTLING match— experience outweighs athleticism, and this is my opportunity to prove it. No gimmicks. No interference, if I can help it. And make no mistake, Cecilworth is going to be in my corner to PREVENT interference, not to cause it. If I can’t beat Conor Fuse straight up, then I don’t deserve to be the champion.

Blaire eyes the pair with suspicion— the eMpire wasn’t exactly known for winning matches “straight up”, so a grain of salt is certainly being taken.

Mike Best: It’s not good guy shit or bad guy shit. After twelve years at the show, it isn’t about that anymore. This is wrestling shit, and Conor Fuse is in for the single most difficult wrestling match of his life. You wanna be the pride of HOW, Conor?

He shoots a little finger gun at the camera.

Mike Best: You’ll have to wrestle it away from a lion.

He puts his hand up toward the face of Blaire Moise, just inches from actually mushing her right in the mouth. He shoves her away with an almost telekinetic energy, turning with Cecilworth and heading in the other direction as we hit our final commercial break of the evening.

Back live and we cut to our announcers once again.

Joe Hoffman: We’re ready to start our main event. Obviously, it goes without saying it should be a good one.

The camera changes to ringside and Bryan McVay.

Bryan McVay: The main event is for one fall and it is for… 39% of the Tag Team Championships……

McVay’s voice sounds confused but he picks right back up with confidence.

Bryan McVay: Introducing first, from Parma Heights, Ohio… Bobbinette Carey!

“There’s only two types of people in this world.”

Pink lights start flashing as a magenta spotlight hits the ramp. Pinks and purples.

“The ones that entertain and the ones that observe.”

Benny Newell: Jesus, Britney is such washed up music. Isn’t she like fifty now?

HOTv plays highlights from Carey’s career in the background. Multiple victory images, as well as her signature moves. At the top of the ramp, the spotlight hits the person at the entrance. Wearing a Miss America style crown, Carey stands and pumps her arms to the side yelling to the crowd. Purple and pink lights come together as she slowly makes her walk down with confidence and her head held high. Carey steps up the three steps and wipes her feet on the apron before getting in the center of the ring.

“All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus!”

As Carey strikes, a royal curtsy pink and purple pyro shoot up out of the four sides of the turnbuckles.

Joe Hoffman: So we all know a few weeks ago Bobbinette and Scottywood defeated Mike Best and Steve Solex, mostly due to interference by Sutler Reynolds-Kael, who doesn’t work here anymore.

Benny Newell: Apparently.

Bryan McVay: And her partner…

OOOOOOHHHHHH, Beg Motherfucker, Beg!

Bryan McVay: From New York… SCOTTYWOOD!

The Hardcore Artist wastes little time appearing from behind the curtain. Dressed in his regular faded jeans, Scotty power walks down the rampway. Rubbing the top of his bald head, he has many choice words for the fans in attendance before sliding under the ropes and entering the ring. Scotty takes a moment to adjust his hand tape as McVay rolls on.

Bryan Mcvay: Their opponents. First, from Buckinghamshire, England… Cecilworth FARTHINGTTTTTOOOONNNN!

“Mr. Finish Line” by VULFPECK plays and Farthington walks out to a positive reaction, eyeing the two wrestlers in the ring. Cecilworth is halfway down the ramp, stops and turns for his teammate.

Bryan McVay: And his partner… from Chicago, Illinois… MIIIKE BESSSSSTTTTTT!!

HALLLLLLELUJAH! HALLLLLLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLEEEEEEEELUJAH!

The catchy but vaguely off putting groove of Hanzel und Gretyl’s “HELLAlujah” begins to blare over the sound system, heralding the arrival of the SON OF GOD, Michael Lee Best. The always polarizing wrestling veteran steps out slowly onto the stage, making his way toward Farthington. Most of the crowd cheers, some boo but no matter what… everyone is shouting something.

Joe Hoffman: We’re not going to have to wait long!

Best stares out into the crowd as he bobs his head to the sweet jams of his own entrance music, reaching his partner. Both Best and Farthington only need one glance before they make their way quickly down the ramp. The scene switches to inside the ring, where Scottywood rubs his hands together and Carey awaits in a wrestling grapple position.

Just as Best and Farthington are about to slide into the squared circle, Mike’s theme song is instantly cut off.

“Bloody Tears (Epic Version)” from CastleVania II replaces it. The crowd comes alive once again as the apron camera shows “The Vintage” Conor Fuse rising from a lift underneath the center of the rampway, due to the camera angle it’s in-between Mike and Cecilworth’s heads who are at the bottom of the ramp. Sporting #97MarioRed Adidas track pants and a Conor Fuse HOW “8-BIT BADASS” branded t-shirt, Fuse has the World Championship around his waist and a small, SNES styled drawstring bag in his left hand.

Benny Newell: Fuck off. No. You have no place here! Go FORTNITE or some shit!

The fans begin a !RANK chant as Conor stretches his arms. He first waves to Mike and then he looks into the ring and shouts a “HELLO!” to Scottywood. The SON of GOD smirks back before he and Farthington reconnect and slide into the ring.

Tension is hot with the legal wrestlers as Conor Fuse’s theme song dies down. Mike and Scotty want a go at each other. Bobbinette and Cecilworth are trying to square off.

Joe Hoffman: Referee Matt Boettcher has got his hands full! Perhaps too full!

Benny Newell: Whatever. I just want to see someone get their skull kicked in! Drink!

Continuing to shout at both parties, Matt tells them to decide on a starter. Outside the ring Conor Fuse carelessly strolls down the rampway. The champion finds his way to ringside, points at the combatant and then hops over the guardrail, finding an empty chair in the middle of the front row. Fuse smiles and waves like he’s the Queen of England to the fans in attendance before sitting down and trying to stretch out his legs.

Conor Fuse: [turning to the fan next to him] Not a lot of legroom here, huh? GOD of HOW just packing ‘em in haha!

Boettcher likely deserves a raise because he’s kept order for the time being.

Joe Hoffman: Looks like Mike and Scotty are going to star-

DING DING

RIGHT as the bell sounds the two parties charge each other and start pumping the other man’s skull in with furious punches.

Joe Hoffman: Okay, so we’re off.

Benny Newell: I could’ve told you that would happen. DRINK!

Best is drilling Scotty in the side of the head with HARD right hands and the crowd is eating it up. Scotty, while he initially came in hot, is on the backtrack now, trying not to be suffocated by the onslaught of Mike’s fists.

Benny Newell: I always hated it when two people who LOATHE each other start a match with a grapple. Game on, gentlemen!

Scotty hammers a knee into Mike’s stomach. It slows the nine time champion down for a moment before Scottywood gives Mike another knee.

Then one more.

And another.

Another.

Now it’s Scottywood who seems to be overwhelming the SON of GOD. But not for long, Mike is resilient and takes the blows in stride. He clubs The Hardcore Artist in the side of the head with an elbow, takes three steps back and charges. Scottywood hits a powerslam but Best hardly absorbs it, he’s right back on his feet. Best ducks a clothesline attempt, laches onto Scotty’s back and connects with a vicious looking release belly-to-back suplex (or a modified German) where Scotty lands right on the top of his head. The crowd in the front row groans at the sickening sight of the blow but Conor Fuse claps profusely!

The World Champion Challenger ignores his upcoming opponent, he has more urgent matters at hand, like pounding the shit out of one of his more bitter rivals. Best drives a knee into the side of Scotty’s temple, hitting the 39% COO with many more knees before throwing Scotty into an empty turnbuckle and waiting for him to bounce off.

Joe Hoffman: Oh what a roundhouse clothesline by Scotty! Only someone like Scottywood can take that type of beating and keep on coming.

Mike puts a hand on his nose to make sure it’s not broken but bounces right back up. He clobbers Scottywood with a clothesline of his own and both men take a moment to recover.

Meanwhile, on the outside of the ring, Conor Fuse opens up his drawstring bag. He’s got a mini tub of popcorn with him and begins munching on it like a Michael Jackson gif.

Benny Newell: I’m going to ignore that virigin fucking manchild.

Best is up. So is Scotty. The two go blow-for-blow again and then switch to knife edge chop-for-knife edge chop. After five tries for each of them, Scotty rakes Best’s eyes and the fans boo. He bounces into the ropes but Mike gets a knee up and Scotty tumbles over it and to the ground.

Joe Hoffman: Not a lot of technical wrestling here, everyone. I’d have been surprised if there was.

Benny Newell: No. Mike’s wrestling a different style right now. I doubt it’s the same shit you see in two weeks.

Best walks over to his corner and tags Cecilworth Farthington. Scotty has recovered, gauging himself on all fours looking up at the former World Champion. Woodson spits at the soles of Farthington’s feet.

WHAM!

And Farthington blasts Scotty in the face with a swift kick! It brings The Hardcore Artist towards his corner. Bobbinette tags in.

The camera switches to Conor Fuse who’s handing out Kool Aid juice boxes to everyone in the front row!

Carey enters through the top and middle rope. She ducks Farthington’s attempt to reel her in and slips behind him, throwing Cecilworth into a belly-to-belly suplex. Carey mounts the UK native, hitting him with a fury of knees before Irish whipping Farthington into the ropes. Cecilworth jumps over Carey, stops in his tracks, turns her around and plants a kick to her stomach followed by a hard DDT. Carey’s face is on the canvas and the rest of her body remains upright. Farthington takes hold of Carey’s waist, deadlifts her and performs a German suplex with a bridge.

ONE.

TWO.

KICKOUT.

Farthington cranks Carey with an elbow, works her into a corner and then throws her into the corner across the way. As Cecilworth charges in, Scottywood enters the ring and takes Farthington’s head off with a clothesline he never saw coming. Best fumes on his side, attempting to get into the ring as well but Matt Boettcher has to make a call and decides to jump in front of Mike’s way, telling him if he does anything, he will be disqualified!

Finished handing out all of his juice boxes, Fuse reaches into his drawstring bag and reveals a EPOS Enterprise SENNHEISER GSP 500 Wired Open Acoustic Gaming Headset. He turns to tell the person beside him it’s one of the most expensive headsets on the market.

Back to the ring, Carey works over Farthington while Best can only watch. Scottywood is back to his corner and the two of them start exchanging “pleasantries” across the ring from one another.

Joe Hoffman: Since the interference, it’s been all Carey.

Carey works Farthington over with stiff shots, then props Cecilworth on his feet and bounces into the ropes, connecting with a spear.

ONE.

TWO.

KICKOUT!

Joe Hoffman: Solid kickout by Farthington shows Bobbinette still has some work to-

Hoffman’s voice is drowned out by static and tusseling noises.

Conor Fuse: He- hey- hey guys? Can you hear me?

The announcers on the other end are confused. Joe stops calling the action as Carey connects with a snap suplex to Farthington and then applies a hammerlock.

Conor Fuse: Oh what’s up guys, what’s shaking!? I didn’t really wanna go on commentary, ya know. So cliche, done all the time. But I can jump in here for a brief moment if that’s okay?

Benny Newell: What the fuck is happening?

Conor Fuse: Oh hey, Benny. I love your work. Particularly when you call me a virgin manchild. Bahaha, great stuff, great stuff.

Joe Hoffman: Conor?

Conor Fuse: Yeah! Hey, Joe. So I hope it’s okay but I hacked into your guys wavelength. You know, they don’t call me The Ultimate Gamer for nothing.

The camera switches to Conor Fuse at ringside, sitting there with a small laptop on his legs. He hasn’t joined the announce table… physically.

Conor Fuse: Anyway, great matchup we have here. I love the Bobbinette pleather she’s got going on in that wrestling outfit, I think I have the same material on one of my gaming chairs. [static cutting Fuse out momentarily] Scottywood, haha, great to see him regain his smile after he mailed it in against me last year. Always attractive to witness a toothless hockey wannabe. [static cutting Fuse out]

Newell doesn’t say much, just mumbles a couple swear words before Joe goes back to calling the action.

Carey tags Scottywood and Scotty comes in with a hard out headbutt to Farthington. The crowd is trying to rally Cecilworth and Mike is attempting to keep it together and stand his ground. Otherwise, it looks like Mike is going to burst into the ring and get himself DQ’ed. (Matt Boettcher did warn Scottywood if he tried the same thing again he would be disqualified. The referee had to draw the line fast.)

Scotty mounts Farthington and connects with many right and left hands. As he pulls Cecilworth to his feet, he’s about to look for a piledriver but Farthington reverses it and Scotty flips over, landing on his back.

Conor Fuse: [static cutting back in] Hey, hey can you hear me. Okay, Joe… I wanna try to call some action real quick. Farthington’s on his feet. He’s trying to tag the SON of GOD but Scotty’s up and connects with a European uppercut. Hey, shit, I’m good at this!

The 39% COO drills Farthington in the face, keeping the former champion from tagging his best friend. Scotty tries for the Scottyslam but Farthington with a leg sweep, an elbow to the chest and then hurls himself into his team’s corner. The crowd comes ALIVE.

Conor Fuse: OH SHIT! Mike Best is tagged, Mike Best is tagged. DRINK!

As Conor shouts this, he raises his Kool Aid juice box and finds the bendy straw with his mouth.

Benny Newell: Fuck right off!

Best bellows into the ring, a house on fire. He clotheslines Scotty numerous times. He slingshots Scotty into his own corner and tells him to tag Bobbinette. She obliges and enters. Mike and Bobby go back and forth, similar to Scotty and Mike.

Joe Hoffman: I have to hand it to Carey, she’s not going to back down/

The camera quickly switches back to Conor Fuse who’s now holding an Xbox controller in his hands, likely “playing” as Mike Best.

Carey digs a knee into Mike’s chest, bounces off the ropes but she’s met with a ring shaking sidewalk slam!

Conor Fuse: [static in] Ohhhh SHIT! DRINK!

And now the entire first row of fans raise their Kool-Aid juice boxes and drink in unison with The Power-Up King. Benny Newell simply sulks in his seat.

Best tosses Carey into the ropes. He’s looking for something violent but Carey sidesteps and kicks Mike in the chest. However, the SON of GOD applies a headlock to Carey but Bobby is quick thinking and drops all her weight so she hits a jawbreaker on Mike. The former champion swats his face, trying to gain the feeling back in it as Bobbinette bounces off the ropes and delivers a crossbody block.

Conor Fuse: [static in] Listen, I don’t want to take up more of your time. I’ll let you guys finish it off. This match shouldn’t be about me! [static out]

Carey thinks about her finisher, the somersault senton. However, once she takes a few steps back, Mike pops to his feet and drills Carey with an elbow followed by a high kick. Carey stumbles into her corner and Scottywood tags back in. Cecilworth seems to be recovered on his side of the ring and asks Mike to seek some revenge. Best tags Farthington.

Farthington races in and clubs Scotty in the face! The Hardcore Artist looks like he loves it though and asks for another.

Joe Hoffman: Ask and he shall receive.

When Farthington hits Scotty, Conor shouts “DRINK!” from the front row and everybody does.

Joe Hoffman: [to his partner] At least Conor’s not shouting !RANK, you hate that discord stuff.

Benny Newell: What’s a discord?

Farthington has worked Scotty into a corner but Woodson comes back with what looks like a low blow, although Boettcher didn’t see it as such. Scotty hits the ropes and throws his entire body at Farthington, looking for a flying clothesline but Farthington turns it into a cutter! This sends Carey into the ring but it also sends Mike in, too!

Best looks for takedown but Carey moves. The two topple over the top rope and stumble into the guardrail right beside Conor Fuse. The World Champion doesn’t flinch, he just continues to “play” as Mike, pressing buttons like crazy while sticking his tongue out in the process.

Carey hits Mike with a knee. Mike hits Carey with a hard chop. Carey fires back by Irish whipping Mike across the way but the SON of GOD jumps onto the guardrail, spins back around and…

I KNEED A HERO!

Conor leans over to the man beside him. The apron camera picks up what he says.

Conor Fuse: Great move, can’t wait to Weapon Get it from him.

Inside the ring, amidst the chaos, Scottywood slugs Farthington with a low blow this time when Boettcher wasn’t looking. Scotty tries for the Scottybomb but Farthington slips away! Cecilworth’s into the ropes and annihilates the COO with a Kitchen Sink Knee Strike of his own. Farthington high stacks for the count.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

DING DING DING

Bryan McVay: The winners of this match… Mike Best and Cecilworth Farthington!!!

Farthington’s theme song plays but it’s quickly cut off by Conor Fuse with a mic in his hands.

Conor Fuse: Hey! Sorry, one second guys. Great match. [Fuse points to the center of the ring where Cecilworth and Mike are standing] Legitimately, no ounce of sarcasm in my voice… congratulations. But now it’s time to focus AHEAD. So I’d like to bring your attention to Rumble at the Rock. [Conor turns to the fans in the front row] Everyone who’s enjoying their juice box, well, you’ve won tickets to the general population section in the BIG castle, Alcatraz! In fact…

Some of the arena attendants walk down the aisleway and start handing out Conor Fuse branded VINTAGE Kool-Aid juice boxes to other fans in different rows.

Conor Fuse: The juice box itself works as a general public ticket to Alcatraz as there are SPECIAL DLC LEVEL QR CODES on each box, where you can see ME, Conor Fuse defend MY World Heavyweight Championship against the king of that castle, the Level NINE Boss if you get what I’m saying. The NINE-time champion… MIKE, FUCKING, BEST.

Conor hops over the apron. Cecilworth Farthington exits the ring and brushes by Fuse as the champion smirks at the Brit before he jumps onto the apron and leaps over the ring, all while sporting the title across his waist.

Mike welcomes it; he encourages it. The two square off, nose-to-nose as the fans are on their feet. Some cheer for Mike. Some cheer for Conor. Everyone is shouting for someone.

Mike looks down at the title and nods. Conor doesn’t take his confident look off of the SON.

Joe Hoffman: In two weeks we’re going to see Conor Fuse vs. Mike Best for the World Championship!

There’s !RANK chants, there’s DRINK! Chants. There’s Best chants. And Refueled goes off the air as the challenger and champion stand their ground…

**HOURS AFTER THE SHOW**

The Hall of Famer takes off his hat and throws onto the nearby table and turns around as two EPU agents look at him.

Hall of Famer: I am ready. Let’s go.

The EPU guards nod their head and grab the hall of famer by the arms and begin to escort him away.

As we see the Hall of Famer exits the room the camera zooms into the Hall of Famer’s hat….

It is a Santa Hat.

Benny Newell is gone from HOW.