Event Date: July 24, 2021
- 1. Before the show...
- 2. Zeb Martin vs. Lester Moregrimes
- 3. EAR MUFFS
- 4. Southern Hospitality
- 5. Still Not Ready?
- 6. Bobby Dean vs. High Flyer
- 7. In a Great Mood
- 8. IDGAF
- 9. Didn't See Anything
- 10. Coca Cola Adds Life
- 11. Cancer Jiles vs. Clay Byrd
- 12. Three's a Crowd
- 13. The Gold(en) Standard
- 14. Rah vs. JPD
- 15. Let's Go On a Quest
- 16. Liaison of Health and Nutrition
- 17. BOTF
- 18. Teddy Palmer vs. Sutler Reynolds-Kael
- 19. BONUS SEGMENT
Before the show...
State Farm Arena Parking Lot
One Hour Before the Show
Rah’s bus pulls into the wrestler’s parking area.
Inside the bus, Rah himself sits in a front seat and helps navigate while the driver looks for an appropriate spot to park.
Rah points at an open spot.
Rah: Right there!
Yes, there is an open prime parking spot. The driver turns the wheel to maneuver the bus into the available spot.
Sunny O’Callahan seems a little wary.
Sunny O’Callahan: Rah, I don’t think you’re supposed to park here.
O’Callahan, the only person on the bus who’s not dressed as if she’s going to Jimmy Buffett concert, tries to direct Rah’s attention to a sign located just past the parking bumper.
Rah points to the homemade belt that has ‘CHAMPION OF THE WORLD’ on the face plate.
Rah: Is Rah not the champion of the world?
O’Callahan rolls her eyes.
Sunny O’Callahan: Yes. Rah is the…
She does the air quotes thing with her hands.
Sunny O’Callahan: “champion of the world.”
Rah: Then it’s settled. This is where Rah parks.
The Sunshine God motions to the driver to park the bus.
Once the bus is in the parking space and stopped, the door slides open and everyone begins to disembark.
O’Callahan glances at the sign, facepalms, shakes her head and walks to the back of the bus to get the equipment out.
HOTv camera zoom in to the sign.
“RESERVED FOR HOW WORLD CHAMPION”
Zeb Martin vs. Lester Moregrimes
The show opens with Lester Moregrimes already inside the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Hello and welcome to Refueled! We have a MONSTER SHOW on the docket for tonight so we’re going to jump right into it.
Benny Newell: You won’t hear me complaining.
The mid-tempo backing drone and accompanying piano and outlaw Nashville guitar licks begin to kick up. The voice of Ben Nichols pierces through the melody as “Everything Has Changed” by Lucero blares over the sound system, and the vocal queue signals the entrance of Zeb Martin. The Watson Mill Kid steps out to greet everyone with the bill of his Levi Garrett Racing hat worn low to shield his eyes. A friendly grin on his face, he attempts to pull the hat down even further (a real shy boy) as he makes his way down to the ring while making sure to outstretch his arm for some old-school hand slapping. Upon arrival, Zeb climbs the apron and wipes his boots before ducking underneath the top rope, then gives a friendly nod to his corner audience before patiently awaiting for the match to begin.
Joe Hoffman: Rumors are circulating that this could be the last time we see Lester’s opponent tonight, and I find it a tad ironic that the self proclaimed Watson Mill Kid is back in front of his fellow Georgians for what could be his last match inside a High Octane Wrestling ring for a little while. Hopefully he can go out in style.
Benny Newell: Hopefully. I’m sure someone will miss him.
Zeb and Lester exchange pleasantries, and then referee Mark Boettcher calls for the bell.
The two titans of the fish, game, and brevity industry lock horns in the center of the ring. Lester breaks from the hold, and takes a wild swing at Zeb’s face. Martin ducks the punch attempt, and then steps out of the way of another, positioning himself to the flank of Moregrimes.
Joe Hoffman: Zeb gonna try to go out with a bang here! Can he?!?!?
Benny Newell: OUACH! Devastating! That’s how he eliminated Cancer Jiles from War Games this year! HA!
Martin lands a timely kidney punch to Moregrimes’ you guessed it– kidney. The impact allows the Fisher King to grab his wincing opponent and deliver his patented straight jacket piledriver, aka Hook, Line, and Sinker.
Benny Newell: You weren’t kidding about moving things along, huh Joe? And I guess it looks like old Zeb is going to get his wish, after all. See, good things do happen here in High Octane.
Joe Hoffman: Well, it’s not over yet. Zeb still has to–
Boettcher drops down for the count.
Joe Hoffman: Okidokie. That’ll do it. Zeb Martin gets his hand raised, and the hometown kid walks out a hero. Possibly. Nothing has been confirmed, and we both know that no one just leaves.
Benny Newell: No one.
With that we cut elsehwere….
We immediately cut backstage where a black sedan pulls up the rear entrance to the State Farm Arena. The sedan has a bright pink and blue UBER sign that lights up the front and back window as it slows to a stop. The driver pops out and runs to the back door, opening it. With a flurry of movement the youthful Little Lady Sutler aka Chloe Sektor-Kael pops out in a pair of #97red Oshkosh B’Gosh overalls and a blue unicorn shirt.
Spinning around in circles she spots and waves toward the High Octane World Champion as he easily slides out of the back wearing a grey three piece suit with a #97red shirt that matches the crimson Championship that is slung over his shoulder. A pair of red sunglasses hide away his eyes while an arrogant smirk is stretched across his face.
From the front passenger side the massive man known simply as MAXKAELJr, the Son of Scion’s bodyguard, appears towering over the other two. The Uber driver quickly scrambles back into the driver’s seat and leaves, eager to make the rest of his evening’s profit. Sutler waits for the driver to get out of range before fishing his phone out of his pocket.
SRK: That guy one star, can you believe he didn’t know who I was?!
Sending his negative review, Sutler looks up at the State Farm Arena with a disgusted look on his face.
SRK: Ugh.. I hate Atlanta.. It smells like cigarettes and poors. Plus the weather SUCKS! Ha-HA!
Boos can be heard from inside the arena as Sutler laughs to himself. Chloe joins in though it’s clear she has no idea what they are laughing at while MAXKAELJr stands ominously to the side. The trio begin to walk toward the arena before something catches Sutler’s eye.
SRK:..what the fuck is this..
The Son of Scions veers off track, stalking away with a quickened pass as Chloe and MAXKAELJr have to jog to keep up with him.
SRK: THIS IS MY SPOT!
The petulant World Champion stands staring at RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH’s bus that has been parked in a spot usually reserved for the World Champion. As MAXKAELJr and Chloe catch up they stare at Sutler and then the spot in confusion.
Chloe Sektor-Kael: It’s a bus, not a spot, Sut!
The little sister of the SRK adds trying to be helpful in the most innocent way possible.
SRK: No. no! This is my parking spot! I’m the WORLD CHAMPION! I’M SUTLER RENOLDS-KAEL, not.. NOT RAH! SUTLER!
He rips his sunglasses off with a perturbed look on his face, rage filling his wild brown eyes. He begins stalking back and forth as his hands wrap themselves around the World Title possessively.
MAXKAELJr:: You don’t even know how to drive a car..
SRK: NOT THE POINT! I’M THE CHAMPION! ME! MEEEE!
At this point the childlike Champion begins to jump up and down, literally hopping mad before he charges forward kicking one of the wheels of the bus. Unfortunately for Sutler the wheel is a high grade, reinforced tire and instead of harming it the World Champion begins to hop again, this time in pain.
SRK: Ear muffs! EAR MUFFS!
Chloe covers her ears as Sutler leans on MAXKAELJr as he holds his injured foot.
SRK: Fuck, Shit, PISS! FUUUUUCK!.. Okay!.. Okay.. okay..
After taking several breaths, Sutler motions for Chloe to drop her ear muffs having regained his composure. Turning away from the bus, the World Champion begins to stalk his way toward the Arena.
MAXKAELJr: You showed that bus, Master Sutler.
Chloe Sektor-Kael: Yeah! Another win for my Big Brother!
The “support” from his little sister and bodyguard seems to help his mood as an arrogant smirk crosses his face again. With his chest puffed up Sulter swaggered forward, cocksured and cock forward toward Refueled.
SRK: I sure did, didn’t it?! Hah! Heh..
The giggle escapes his lips as he stops, his face going from arrogant to suddenly concerned. Junior and Chloe stop and share a look as the World Champion clears his throat. The Son of Scions shakes his head and continues to march forward as we cut away.
Zeb Martin is shown in the backstage area. He leans forward against the wall. He was prepared for a war tonight but instead it was over before he could even get warmed up. He stands back up straight and turns around….
Joe Hoffman: Oh my!
The point of an elbow connects with the temple on the right side of Zeb’s head, sending him down to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
Benny Newell: Yes! He’s busted wide open, Hoffhole!
A man in a #97Red Luchador mask stands over top of Zeb Martin.
Joe Hoffman: Is that? That’s the mask that Lee Best gave to Steve Sol…
Benny Newell: He gave the mask to Shawn Kutter you idiot! And would you look at that! Zeb Martin’s been busted wide open!
Blood trickles down Zeb’s forehead. Kutter stands over top of Zeb, laughing wildly as he brazenly takes up a mounted position on Zeb Martin and lands a few stiff right hands.
Joe Hoffman: Whoever that is, Zeb Martin is in deep trouble here!
Benny Newell: And there’s no one here to save him! Yes!
Kutter gets back up to his feet, leans back, and lets out a loud primal screen while balling his fists and flexing his entire body.
Joe Hoffman: He is absolutely unhinged. We need help back there.
Benny Newell: Oh can it, Hoffnips. Kutter is just doing what he’s been told! The Mad Scientist is at work here, you just have to pay attention!
Kutter looks down at his blood covered right fist. He brings it up close to his face. He examines the blood and then licks it right off of his knuckes.
Joe Hoffman: Oh, come on! This is sick!
Benny Newell: It’s great, Hoffsac! Get yourself together and enjoy the show. DRINK!
Kutter steps away from Zeb, but instead of leaving him behind he begins to drag him out of the room leaving a streak of blood on the gray floor as the scene fades to commercial.
Joe Hoffman: We’ll be right back!
Still Not Ready?
Back live and the HOV comes to life…..
Swirling voices and sounds overlap in the background.
“Close to 20 years I waited…20 FUCK’N years…”
“DAMMIT. Jatt Starr hit The Falling Star on Capone!”
“Winner of the match…JAATTTTTTT STARRRRRRR!!!”
“THUMP indeed. The scenic route continues…”
Grainy video clip bleeds in.
Capone’s body ricochets off Sektor. Kevin falls in a heap. Sektor signals for it…
Joe Hoffman: The Sektor Stretch!
The submission is applied flawlessly. Capone tries to fight it but unlike the modified camel clutch, this time there’s no hope of breaking free.
Joe Hoffman: Sektor has him dead to rights in the middle of the ring!
Benny Newell: Tappppppp or pass out, Kevin Capone it’s your choice!
Capone lasts a little longer than Sektor may have liked but ultimately he taps the side of Sektor’s thigh and the referee calls for the bell.
DING DING DING
Joe Hoffman: What a tough break for Capone! Two Hall of Famers back-to-back. He stands his own but the ring general gets him in this one…
Sektor keeps the submission locked in for a few more seconds. He only drops the dragon sleeper once Matt Boettcher walks over and asks to raise his hand.
SCREEN GOES BLACK
Grainy video bleeds back in.
Capone is on the mat, writhing in pain, as Matt Boettcher and John Sektor continue to stand over him.
“They say I’m still not ready yet.”
“I’m doing it all for this.”
HIGH OCTANE WRESTLING
“Come find out with me.”
COMING. BACK. SOON.
With that the HOV fades to black and we cut back to the Hall of Fame announce team for our next match
Bobby Dean vs. High Flyer
The scene comes back to ringside where Joe Esposito’s “You’re the Best” i blaring across the State Farm Arena and Bobby Dean is prancing and mocking some of the fans in attendance.
Joe Hoffmann: We’re back live and Bobby Dean is being Bobby Dean.
Benny Newell: Who else would he be, Hoffhole?! Fucking hasbeen Kostoff?! DRINK!
Brian McVey: Standing in the ring, weighing in at 255 pounds, BOBBY DEEEEEEEEAN!!!!!!
All Aboard! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…” A light fog rises up from the entrance way as the opening guitar rift kicks in. Parting the smoke is High Flyer, who stands confidently at the top of the entrance ramp. He tosses one hand up in a devil horn taunt, and smiles slyly to the camera. He stomps his way to the ring, paying very little attention to the crowd.
Brian McVey: Coming down the aisle weighing in at 224 pounds, HIGH FLYYYYYYYYYYER!!!!
Once he reaches ringside, he slips in under the bottom rope, then sprawls on his back. He begins to make snow angels while residing on his back, looking up at the lights before recovering to his feet. As the announcer introduces High Flyer, he leaps onto the second ropes and looks out to the crowd. The music fades and he prepares himself for action.
Joe Hoffmann: High Flyer looking like he’s all business tonight.
Hortega signals for the bell.
Bobby Dean and High Flyer stare each down before locking up. Bobby Dean gains the upper hand and places High Flyer in a side headlock. High Flyer attempts to shove Bobby Dean off, to no avail. High Flyer resorts to forearm to the back, he manages to shift where he is able to nail Bobby Dean in the gut, once, twice, Bobby Dean breaks the hold. High Flyer charges and then bounces off the ropes, he ducks a Bobby Dean clothesline, High Flyer locks the waist of Bobby Dean, looking for a German Suplex but Bobby Dean nails High Flyer in the side of the head with an elbow.
Joe Hoffmann: Bobby Dean showing some uncharacteristic awareness. Credit where credit is due.
Benny Newell: Fuck this match. Drink!!!
High Flyer staggers back, both men lock up again but Bobby Dean immediately brings an elbow to High Flyer’s gut. Bobby Dean nails High Flyer with a right hand, then another. Bobby Dean with a kick to High Flyer’s gut and follows up with a Snap Suplex. Bobby Dean with a cover. Joel Hortega with a count…..
Kick out by High Flyer.
Joe Hoffmann: Only a one count. It’s going to take more than that to put away High Flyer.
Benny Newell: No fucking shit. I think someone’s been fucking with my whiskey…it tastes watered down.
Bobby Dean and High Flyer are both up. Bobby Dean “charges” (as only he can), High Flyer ducks the clothesline, grabs Bobby Dean at the waist and this time he does connect with a German suplex. High Flyer is up in a hurry, Bobby Dean is slow to get up. High Flyer whips Bobby Dean into the corner, High Flyer charges, Bobby Dean falls out of the way, High Flyer hits the turnbuckle chest first, staggers back, Bobby Dean grabs High Flyer’s tights and rolls him up for a pin. Joel Hortega admonishes Bobby Dean for clutching the tights. Bobby Dean lets go of the tights and High Flyer kicks out before Joel Hortega can begin the count.
Joe Hoffmann: Another failed pin attempt by Bobby Dean.
Benny Newell: Fuck it. I’m switching to vodka.
Bobby Dean rises and starts panting, holding to the top rope. High Flyer is up. Bobby Dean grabs High Flyer and locks in an abdominal stretch.
Joe Hoffmann: Submission hold by Bobby Dean.
Benny Newell: DRINK!!! This is the shit right here.
Joe Hoffmann: This is clearly a back and forth match.
Benny Newell: I’m talking about my vodka, Hoffhole.
Joel Hortega asks High Flyer if he gives up, he screams “No” as Bobby Dean clutches the ropes with his free hand. High Flyer winces in pain. Joel Hortega checks Bobby Dean but he had released the ropes. Bobby Dean punches High Flyer in the abdomen. As Hortega turns his attention to High Flyer, Bobby Dean grabs the top rope again. Joel Hortega looks over and sees Bobby Dean’s hand on the rope. He begins counting for Bobby Dean to release the hold. “UNO!”….”DOS!”….”TRES!”….as soon as he lets go of the top rope, High Flyer arm throws Bobby Dean to the mat.
Joe Hoffmann: High Flyer battled out of the abdominal stretch and now it looks like momentum is shifting.
Bobby Dean immediately crawls over to the rope and grabs on, essentially sticking his head and neck between the top and middle ropes. Hortega intercepts High Flyer who was approaching Bobby Dean. Bobby Dean brings his head back in the ring. The moment Hortega is clear, Bobby Dean jumps up and delivers a perfect dropkick to High Flyer’s face.
Benny Newell: This vodka must be fucking me up because I think I just saw Bobby Dean dropkick a motherfucker.
Joe Hoffmann: Indeed you did, Benny.
Bobby Dean begins prancing around the ring, much to the disdain of the fans. He goes so far to pat himself on the back. Bobby Dean turns towards High Flyer who delivers a Dual Palmed Neck Hooked Implant DDT!
Joe Hoffmann: COLD SNOW!!!
Benny Newell: Of course snow is cold, Hoffhole. It’s fucking snow!
High Flyer drops on top Bobby Dean and hooks the leg.
Joe Hoffmann: Solid two from Hortega there, but it seems like out of nowhere, High Flyer looks like he is about to take control.
High Flyer is up and Bobby Dean is crawling towards the ropes. High Flyer and delivers a kick to the midsection halting Bobby Dean’s progress. High Flyer pulls up Bobby Dean and delivers a chop to the chest, followed by another and another. High Flyer whips Bobby Dean into the ropes and after bouncing off the ropes Bobby Dean just collapses before he is able to reach High Flyer.
Joe Hoffmann: What is this? It looks like Bobby Dean’s body just gave out on him.
Benny Newell: It was gonna fucking happen at some point. Why not tonight?
High Flyer just looks confused as Bobby Dean just lies motionless in the ring excepting for the heavy breathing indicating he is still alive. Bobby Dean waves his hand in the air, signalling surrender. High Flyer leans, goes to grab Bobby Dean who grabs High Flyer and wraps him up in a small package!
Joe Hoffmann: He was playing possum!
Joel Hortega with a count…..
Joe Hoffmann: Bobby Dean almost eeked out a victory there!
Benny Newell: I’ll be eeking out a shit the size of Bobby Dean later. Fucking artichoke dip.
Bobby Dean bangs his fist on the mat. He gets up and turns towards High Flyer who charges and nails a Yakuza Kick dropping Bobby Dean to the mat.
Joe Hoffmann: Bobby Dean just got hit by a LOCOMOTIVE!!! High Flyer with the cover!!!!
DING! DING! DING!!
Brian McVey: HERE IS YOUR WINNER………HIGH FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYER!!!!!!!
Joe Hoffmann: High Flyer came away with a big victory tonight. But no bigger victory can come than later tonight when Teddy Palmer takes on Sutler Kael for the HOW Championship!
Benny Newell: Teddy Palmer can eat a bag of fucking dicks…….UNLESS he takes Lee up on his offer…….hmmmmm
The scene cuts backstage before Joe can reply..
In a Great Mood
We head backstage here in the State Farm Arena here in Atlanta, Georgia. The camera focuses on Blaire Moise who has her microphone in hand. She’s standing in front of the cameraman who gives her the signal to begin.
Blaire Moise: Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome the new HOTv Champion Jace Parker Davidson accompanied by Madison.
JPD walks into camera view in his wrestling gear and the HOTv Championship belt proudly displayed over his right shoulder. Madison stands beside JPD and runs her hand through her long purple hair.
Blaire Moise: …You’re not going to make me do that kneeling thing, are you?
JPD: No, I’m in a good mood tonight Blaire. In fact I’m in a great mood so you get to remain upright this evening.
Madison: Getting without being on your knees for a change. Must be really awkward for you huh Moist?
Blaire rolls her eyes at Madison’s comment but decides to be professional and press on with the interview.
Blaire Moise: Later on tonight you have your first defense of the HOTv Championship belt as you take on the returning Sunshine God Rah.
JPD: And that’s exactly why I’m in a great mood. I told everyone that I would make this belt the most desired title in HOW. One week in and the HOTv Championship match is on everyone’s lips. Dare I say, it’s the most anticipated matchup of the evening even above Teddy Palmer and Sutler Reynolds-Kael.
Madison: And that’s why they call him the Conqueror.
JPD smiles and admires the Championship belt on his shoulder as Blaire raises the microphone up to her lips.
Blaire Moise: I would say people are talking because Rah presents a formidable threat to you and the HOTv Championship belt.
JPD: Rah? The same guy that had decrepit old fossil of a woman Dawn McGill cut his promo for him? The same guy that spent most of the week following Jimmy Buffett around the country? You mean the same guy who went back to the well he used against Mike Best and is only motivated by the fact he’ll get to ‘talk’ to Dawn McGill?
Madison: The nerve of someone THAT old talking about sand coming out of anyone’s hoo-ha.
Blaire Moise: Dawn McGill might have cut his promo but she had some rather strong words for you.
JPD: Of course she did and you know why? That’s because the whole McAvay universe got its collective panties in a bunch over the fact I called their whole routine Carny bullshit. So much so that McGill droned on forever and a day about shit from the past and tried to justify Rah’s reason for being. Doesn’t matter because tonight I’m raising Rah up to a main event level. I’m going to lift him up to the moon and then I’m going to send him crashing back down to earth with one Bend the Knee.
JPD stomps his right foot down onto the concrete below before adjusting the Championship belt on his shoulder.
JPD: Each and every person in section 214 is going to be disappointed as their hero falls to the almighty boot of Jace Parker Davidson. There will be no Sunshine, there will be no light. There will be no sacrifice tonight. The only thing there will be is the 97red of the Best Alliance. Rah will become a footnote in my journey to be the greatest HOTv Champion of all time. And Missouri Valley Wrestling will never represent this company or this Championship belt. When it’s all said and done State Farm is going to want me in commercials beside Chris Paul, Patrick Mahomes, and Aaron Rodgers. Now that Blaire, is a fucking guarantee.
JPD and Madison walk off out of camera range and head back towards his dressing room. When they reach the door Madison stops and looks up at the Champion.
Madison: Hey I’m going to go check on something real quick. I’ll be back before your match starts I promise.
Madison leans up and gives him a peck on the cheek and heads off down the hallway as JPD enters the dressing room as we cut away.
Brian Bare stands outside the loading dock of the arena, realizing he’s live he tosses a cigarette behind him and begins speaking quickly into the camera. Obviously having done his second line of the evening a few moments ago.
Brian Bare: Clay! Clay! Lee wants me to talk to you or something before you go out there and fight Cancer Jiles.
The Behemoth comes into the frame, walking up the loading dock with his bag over his shoulder. He looks around, scanning his surroundings before he stops to have a word with Bare.
Clay Byrd: Whatever the boss needs Bare.
Clay looks over his shoulder one last time before leaning on the metal guard rail.
Brian Bare: Clay, you’ve lost a whole bunch lately…
Clay Byrd: Fuck you Bare.
The Monster from Plainview shoots forward coming at Bare.
Brian Bare: Against absolutely excellent competition, you’ve lost to the High Octane World Champion, you’ve lost to Cecilworth Farthington, Mike Best, and Teddy Palmer in the last few months.
Clay disarmed by the sudden courtesy of Bare cools off for a moment, while Bare looks relieved.
Clay Byrd: I’ve been through hell Bare, worst stretch of my career ta date, but I’ve learned a lot ‘bout myself. I’ve watched the tape, and I’m comin’ inta tonight ready ta beat the fuck out of whoever the boss puts infront of me.
Bare interrupts briefly, looking at an index card he has in his hand.
Brian Bare: Some would say you should crush Cancer Jiles, while others, and rightfully so believe this is a punishment match from the man upstairs.
Clay Byrd: I don’t give a damn what people think of this. I don’t give a fuck who GOD puts infront of me every night. Could be Mother Theresa, The Pope, The Ashes of Max Kael, Wahl, or more of my fellow Alliance members. They will all be meetin’ the same fate Bare, they’ll all be gettin’ carted out of that fuckin’ ring.
Bare goes to speak but Clay sticks his gigantic hand in Bare’s face.
Clay Byrd: Listen up you junky fuckin’ slimeball. I’m walkin’ out of here tonight with a win under my belt. By hell or highwater I will be back on track, and I will make an example out of ‘COOL’ Cancer Jiles.
Brian Bare: Do you think that’s what Lee…
Clay cuts him off before he can finish the question.
Clay Byrd: Lee Best doesn’t put anything in my path that he doesn’t expect to be broken and destroyed. Whether thats Cancer Jiles, John Sektor, or anyone else from The Alliance. I do my fuckin’ job in the ring, I show up, I smash faces, and I leave. We’ll be gettin’ back on track with that tonight.
Clay storms off into the bowels of the arena, leaving Bare lost for words as we hit our next commercial break.
Didn't See Anything
Back from commercial and the scene opens up into the makeshift office of Lee Best. The lifeless body of Zeb Martin is shown lying flat on the ground. Lee is seated behind his desk, with his feet propped up. On his left he is flanked by REDRUM and on his right The 4th Wahl. Lee’s got a grin from ear to ear as he blindly points over at an unmasked Steve Solex who is seated across from him.
Lee Best: Nice work. This is the kind of shit that I like to see, Steve…..if I could see you know.
Steve looks a bit confused.
Steve Solex: What do you mean?
Lee looks a bit confused, but also pissed.
Lee Best: Don’t fuck with me. That!
He points once again blindly over at the unconscious body of Zeb Martin.
Lee Best: You brought me…that.
Steve looks at Zeb and then back at Lee.
Steve Solex: I didn’t bring you that. What are you talking about?
Lee grits his teeth and points at Solex’s hands.
Lee Best: Look at your fuckin’ hands, dipshit. You’ve got blood all over them….even my blind ass can see that shit.
Solex looks his hands over, looking even more confused.
Steve Solex: I mean…it’s not my blood. It can’t be his, I haven’t seen Zeb Martin all night.
Lee shakes his head in frustration.
Lee Best: Was it Kutter? You fuckin’ weirdo.
Solex shakes his head.
Steve Solex: Shawn isn’t here…he didn’t want to make the trip.
Lee Best: You were wearing the mask I gave you….gave him.
Steve Solex: Uh…you never gave me a mask, and like I said. Shawn’s not here.
Lee stands straight up from his chair, both of his flanked henchmen behind massaging their fists.
Lee Best: Who came here with you tonight, Solex? If not, Kutter…then who?
Solex still seems confused, but answers the question.
Steve Solex: Logan. He drove me here.
Lee Best: Who the fuck is Logan?
Steve Solex: Logan Tyler.
Lee shakes his head, his face turning bright red as he grows even more frustrated.
Lee Best: That fuckin’ does! Goddamnit, Steve!
From seemingly nowhere, Steve Solex is clobbered over the head with a lead pipe. The 4th Wahl stands over Solex as Lee walks over.
Lee Best: Take this crazy fuck to Alcatraz.
Lee pats the shoulder of the 4th Wahl.
Lee Best: You’ll be the warden.
The 4th Wahl grins wide and nods his head.
Lee Best: And don’t let this fuckin’ lunatic out of there until I give the go ahead. You got that.
The 4th Wahl just continues to nod as the screen fades on a focused shot of Steve Solex’s unconscious face as we cut away.
Coca Cola Adds Life
Cutting away from the blood and carnage from Lee’s office, the HOV cuts to a shot of the ad-hoc Section ‘214’ where Blaire Moise stands in the aisle. She’s in the middle of the shot with three middle-aged men, one with a red solo cup in his hand, to the left and three women of varying ages on her right. One woman has a tank top t-shirt with the face of a cat on the front and ‘Meowica’ below it.
Blaire Moise: Blaire Moise here in Section ‘214’ where it’s been a very festive happy hour all night long. Cancer Jiles and Clay Byrd is coming up in just a moment but the fans here are ready for the match that will take place after Jiles versus Byrd…
A fourth man, wearing a green Hawaiian shirt sneaks into the shot. He too has a red solo cup in hand.
Blaire Moise: …when Rah challenges Jace Parker Davidson for the HOTv title.
Blaire turns and walks past the people behind her and locates a man, probably in his mid-fifties, dressed with a white hat in the shape of the top of a salt shaker and a white t-shirt with ‘SALT’ spelled out on the front standing with some people who appear to be waiting in line.
Blaire Moise: What’s going on here?
Salt Shaker Guy: Someone said my lost shaker of salt can be found up there at the end of this line.
Blaire Moise: Well okay then…
Blaire moves past him and goes up the steps further.
Blaire Moise: The Rah versus JPD match will be in just a few minutes but these guys have been partying the entire night. They started as soon as the doors opened and got to their seats and haven’t stopped since.
Blaire steps past the men and women in the aisle until she reaches the top of the section and the front of the line. There, she finds two people she definitely knows.
Blaire Moise: Dark and Stormy?
That’s right. Ray McAvay’s former valets West Texas Adult Entertainment Legends Dark and Stormy are at the top of the section.
Dark: Hey Blaire.
Blaire Moise: What are you guys doing?
Dark: Raising money for charity.
Blaire Moise: Huh?
Dark: Yeah. For ten dollars, I’ll pour margarita onto Stormy’s chest…
Dark pours a little margarita on Stormy’s chest.
Dark: …add a little salt…
She shakes the salt shaker and puts down a thin coating of salt.
Dark: …and then you can lick the salt right off her chest…
Blaire Moise: Oh.
Dark: …for charity.
Dark shouts out to the people in line.
Dark: ALL RIGHT! WHO WANTS TO BE FIRST!
There’s a huge push forward followed by people holding up ten dollar bills.
Blaire Moise: Okay, that’s all I got. Back to you Joe and Benny.
Cut back to the HOW Hall of Fame broadcast crew.
Joe Hoffman: Thanks Blaire. Well Benny, good to see Dark and Stormy again and…
Joe turns and realizes that Benny’s not there.
Joe Hoffman: … Benny?
He looks around the ringside area. No sign of Benny.
Joe Hoffman: Benny?
He finally sees Benny’s chair laying on the ground behind the broadcast table.
Joe Hoffman: Where’d Benny go? Um…
Benny’s nowhere to be found.
Joe Hoffman: We better go to a commercial break while we find Benny and get him back to the broadcast table. Back right after this.
CUT TO- A VERY SPECIAL COMMERCIAL BREAK
A sizeable group of people line up around a portable hot tub backstage at the Best Arena where Ray McAvay’s former valets Dark and Stormy hold court inside the tub meeting and greeting the fans and posing for pictures.
Dark, her black hair wet and slicked back, gets ready to take a photo with a young fan. Tonight, both ladies are wearing family friendly attire inside the hot tub tonight with black t-shirts and Daisy Duke cut-off shorts.
A woman in her mid-thirties’s and her nine year old son are next in line and approach the girls in the hot tub. The son, wearing a Rah t-shirt, looks decidedly unhappy.
Dark smiles as they approach
Dark (to the Mother): Hi!
Mother: Hi. Look, my son is a little upset because he was really, really hoping to meet Rah tonight.
Dark: I’m so sorry.
The boy holds up a bottle of Coke.
Boy: I wanted to give this to him after his match.
Mother: Right. But obviously he’s not here so-
Boy: Can I give it to you instead?
The boy holds out the Coke bottle.
Dark: Sure. Thanks.
Dark takes the bottle as early eighties-type music wells up in the background…
“A Coke and a smile!”
…and then leans her head back, places the bottle on her lips, and begins to drink.
“Makes me feel good!
Makes me feel nice!”
Smiling now, the boy waves at her and turns away.
He and his mother start back to their seats in the arena.
“It’s the way it should be.
I like to see.”
Dark finishes the entire bottle and smiles.
Dark: Hey kid!
“The whole world smiling with me.”
The kid stops and turns back around. Dark pulls her t-shirt up over her head and off.
“Coca-Cola adds life.”
She throws the shirt to the kid but for some strange reason he freezes. His eyes become wide as saucers and his jaw drops. The shirt flies right by him and lands at his mother’s feet.
“Have a Coke and a smile!”
It’s at that exact moment Dark realizes she’s topless. And so does the crowd…
CLOSE UP: the crowd cheers…lots of happy and excited people cheering.
…the boy’s mother…
CLOSE UP: the mother has a shocked, horrified expression on her face.
…High Octane Wrestling Hall of Fame announcer Benny Newell, walking back from the bathroom…
MEDIUM SHOT: Benny looks to the heavens and spreads his arms wide.
Benny Newell: THANK YOU LEE! THANK YOU!
Dark immediately covers up and immediately drops down back into the water.
The boy finally unfreezes and points at her.
Boy: Mommy, look at the nice rack!
The mother immediately snatches the boy by the hand and stomps back towards the arena.
Mother (mutters): That’s the last time your father takes you to Hooters.
Dark and Stormy laugh as the commercial ends.
AND NOW BACK TO REGULAR PROGRAMMING…
Cancer Jiles vs. Clay Byrd
Joe Hoffman: And we are back everyone and we have another Best Alliance match up off the back of last weeks show but this time Steve Harrison will be the referee between Clay Byrd and his former partner Cancer Jiles.
Benny Newell: I don’t want to question GOD but why would he put Harrison out there with a knee brace on his right leg?
Joe Hoffman: We will see how this goes as it seems like this is certain to start more drama between the Best Alliance members.
The lights dim.
The arena quiets.
A chill moves through the air… “I am the COOL” explodes over the speakers.
~I’m the one your mama warned you about ~When you see me, I will leave you no doubt ~I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth ~I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth ~I AM THE COOL.
Out from behind the curtain, after a second or two of suspense, The Crown Prince of COOL, Cancer Jiles emerges. Shades on, hair on point, he pauses at the top of ramp and basks in the glorious affection of his precious OctaBandits. After having his fill, Jiles confidently makes his way down to the ring and slides on in under the bottom rope.
Benny Newell: What an amazing specimen the former World Champion is.
Cancer walks over to Steve Harrison and smiles at him. Steve nods and says some words to Jiles but Jiles seemingly does not like what he heard and points to his waist and Steve’s waist.
Joe Hoffman: It is hard to hear but Harrison seems to have told Jiles to fight a clean match for the respect of the group and Jiles yelled back about the tag titles.
Benny Newell: DRINK?
Guitar and harmonica begin to blare through the arena, the start of “Gunning For You” by Nick Nolan sends a silence across the crowd as Nick Nolan’s lyrics echo through the arena. Red letters slash across the screen as “BYRD” is spelled out.
Clay appears through fog on the entrance ramp, cowboy hat low over his eyes, a long black duster on and a rope in his hand.
My Gun is loaded it’s getting time Two shots of whiskey i’m takin’ what’s mine Ain’t what you’re sayin it’s what you do Your time has come boy i’m Gunnin for You When hell is rainin down you’ll see my face won’t heara sound You’ll feel that bullet burnin through Take your last breath boy I’m Gunnin for You
Clay begins his slow walk down the ramp. His eyes are fixed on the ring, and he trudges on. Not paying any notice to any of the fans in attendance. There’s desperation deep in your eyes No turnin back now no compromise Cause only one of us walks out that door The other bleedin out on the floor Clay walks up the steps, and climbs into the ring.
Joe Hoffman: The Monster from Plainview looks very focused tonight. He needs to get over the recent losses.
Benny Newell: We have a ref with a bad leg and a Byrd with one wing, this is going to be a shit show!
Harrison walks over to Clay and starts talking to him, but Clay just stares at him and then softly moves Steve to the left of him and walks up to the COOL One and they start trash talking back and forth followed with Byrd pushing Jiles onto the mat and staring down at him. Harrison gets between them and wags his finger at Clay and walks him towards the corner. He looks at the timekeeper and the bell is rung signaling the real start to the match.
Joe Hoffman: Doesn’t look like this is going to be a friendly encounter tonight.
Benny Newell: That is how they will prove the Alliances dominance.
Byrd wastes no time in running towards Jiles but Jiles sees it coming and sidesteps Clay and follows it up with a poke to the left eye of Byrd.
Joe Hoffman: I don’t think Harrison liked that.
Benny Newell: The former world champion will do anything it takes to prove to Steve he is the bread winner.
Clay holds his left eye and leans against the ropes. Before Cancer can go in for the kill Steve gets between them again and admonishes Jiles for the early cheap shot. Jiles shrugs and uses his speed to go around the injured referee and hits Clay with a dropkick to his injured left arm. Byrd holds his arm and Jiles goes to work with punches and forearm shots to the arm. He winds up for another, but Clay has had enough and turns and grabs the right arm of Jiles and tosses him over the top rope to the floor.
Joe Hoffman: Smart move by Clay to get Jiles off him so he can give that arm a rest. Looks like he is punching it with his right arm to get some feeling back. Harrison is leaning against the turnbuckle with an annoyed look on his face as neither of them are listening to their teammate.
Benny Newell: He isn’t even doing a ten count, but both need a real victory so maybe he is helping both but man this BA violence is not fun for me!
Jiles begins getting back in the ring but Byrd is right there to drag him through the ropes and he just starting booting Jiles from toe to face. Cancer tries covering up, but Clay stops and picks him up and tosses him to the ropes and hits a massive spinebuster. He flips him over and slows it down with a patented chin lock.
Joe Hoffman: Clay wearing Jiles now, but Harrison is just watching and seems to be yawning at the chin lock.
Benny Newell: That is disrespectful what is Harrison doing in there?
Joe Hoffman: I think he is just sick of them not listening, so he is just letting them go at it.
Jiles reaches back and grabs Clays long hair and starts pulling on it like a child on the playground. Clay lets go of the chin lock and turns his back letting Jiles reach up and rolls him up using large amounts of grabbing Clays pants.
‘Nah dude’ Harrison mouths and shakes his head at Jiles as Cancer gets up and starts talking about that being a three count. Harrison rolls his eyes and points at Clays hair and then pants. Jiles feints innocence, he turns around and is hit with a huge boot to his chin.
Joe Hoffman: Jiles needs to pay attention to the match instead of thinking Harrison isn’t going to call this match fairly.
Benny Newell: What do you expect, Joe? Jiles and Steve were an unbeatable team so Cancer would think his friend would help him here.
The Monster follows up with an elbow drop to Jiles neck. He picks him back up and starts open hand slapping him with both his hands. JIles tries to put his hands up to block but Byrd instead kicks him in the stomach and gives him a short arm clothesline which floors The eGGman. He doesn’t go for the pin though and picks Jiles back up and locks in a stiff looking headlock. Jiles reaches up and grabs Clay’s hair again but Clay is having none of it and lets spins Cancer around and hits a vertical suplex.
Joe Hoffman: Big impact on that suplex and Jiles can’t seem to get his bearings right now.
Benny Newell: Don’t count him out, it looks like Harrison is giving him some advice.
Byrd picks Jiles up slowly and Harrison is facing Cancer. Jiles grabs Steve and starts complaining and while doing so donkey kicks Clay in the balls.
Joe Hoffman: What a cheap shot that was, Byrd is down to one knee now and Steve rubs his face in annoyance at Jiles as it seems obvious to him what happened.
Benny Newell: Of course, he knows, he told him to do it!
Jiles is up with a huge grin on his face now and is tapping his foot.
Joe Hoffman: Looks like he is ready to hit Terminal Cancer!
Benny Newell: That’s the former champ for you.
Jiles goes to hit the Superkick but Clay moves out of the way. Jiles leg gets stuck in the ropes. The Texan Monster is up and runs the ropes, Cancer gets his foot out of the ropes and falls to his knees as it looks like he may have twisted his knee when he hit the ropes with his finisher. He turns around…
Byrd hits a gruesome looking Texas Lariat that looks to have knocked Jiles unconscious. Clay goes for the pin and Harrison goes down.
Bryan McAvay: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner via pinfall…Clay Byrd!
Byrd looks down at Cancer but Jiles just stares at the ceiling not moving. Harrison leans over and asks him if he is ok but Jiles just ignores him. Steve walks over to Clay says a few words and Byrd shakes his head. Having enough he walks out of the ring and heads toward Joe and Benny.
Joe Hoffman: Big win by Clay Byrd to get off that losing streak.
Benny Newell: Jiles needs to get it together and why is Harrison walking towards us?
The Miracle Man gets to the announce table and looks at Benny.
Steve Harrison: Give me some fucking whiskey, Benny!
Benny looks surprised but reaches under his chair and hands Steve a bottle. Harrison grabs it and takes a big swig. He pours Benny a glass and then walks away with the rest of the bottle.
Joe Hoffman: I guess Harrison isn’t having a good time tonight.
Benny Newell: Wait…that bastard took the whole bottle!
Benny takes a sip of his drink as the show cuts to commercial.
Three's a Crowd
Back live and the camera cuts to a backstage hallway. It’s clear that we’ve caught Madison mid-conversation with none other than Eli Dresden, the blond smirking as Madison laughs at whatever Eli just said. As her laughter trails off, Madison rests a hand on Eli’s shoulder.
Madison: That sounds priceless!
Dresden: It was. Really, I shoulda’ had my camera on. It looked like someone made my brother take a bite out of a lemon, peel included!
Another shared laugh before Madison’s changing the subject, a more serious expression taking over.
Madison: So what’s your gameplan from here?
Dresden: I mean, I celebrated that night a little, but then the next morning I was right back to work. Gotta keep my nose to the grindstone.
Madison: Good. So, ah, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’ve been training to start wrestling, too. I was wondering if maybe I could get some pointers? Not that Jace hasn’t been helpful–
Dresden: Let’s face it, Maddie. Jace can’t see from any other perspective than his own. And with what you’ve told me, he’s got his head shoved even farther up his ass than I initially thought.
From around the corner walked the current HOW HOTv Champion Jace Parker Davidson with his belt secured around his waist.
JPD: This is what you meant when you said you had to check on something real quick? I have my first title defense coming up and I find you back here playing grab ass with the ‘replacement pussy.’
…and just because she knows it’s effective, Eli’s completely ignoring the man who she has become quite the thorn in the side of in favor of continuing her conversation with Madison.
Dresden: Anyway, the first thing you’re gonna need to do is work on your cardio. That’s the base you need to build off of, okay? That’s a universal truth for any sport.
JPD: And you’re going to her, her of all people for training advice? She hasn’t stepped foot inside of an HOFC cage. She’s barely even won a match here in HOW. You’re going to listen to her over someone that’s a Champion.
Jace gestures to the belt around his waist… and Eli just continues paying him no mind. It’s as if he’s not even there to the blond as she continues offering her advice to Madison, who looks conflicted as to who to respond to.
Dresden: The second thing you need to remember is to combine your aerobic and .anaerobic exercise–strike a balance there. Don’t go too heavy one way or the other. Think of it like… how you don’t just always do leg day.
Madison: I just… I know you and Carmen are training me but I—
JPD: Just what Madison? If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t even be having this match at HOFC 2–
Eli’s hand flies out, covering Jace’s mouth before he can say anything else–and this time, when she offers her final bit of advice for the time being, her tone is sharp.
Dresden: And third–and this one’s important–don’t let anyone else take the credit for anything you accomplish. YOU are the one that’s doing the work, and YOU are the one that succeeds or fails. And if you can win without, say, getting a cheap shot in before the bell rings…
A sidelong glare at Jace; it’s obvious these words are meant for him, even if she’s pointedly being disrespectful by not saying it directly to him.
Dresden: Then that means you’re better than the so-called man that thinks your life should revolve around him.
Eli’s head darts forward, stealing a quick kiss from Madison.
Dresden: But since the manchild is demanding your attention, I’ll leave you to it. Remember we’ve got dinner next week, yeah?
After Madison nods, Eli’s hand slides off Jace’s mouth before she’s sauntering casually out of frame, managing to do so unharmed thanks to the sheer force of her audacity.
JPD: I’m getting real sick and tired of the bullshit of whatever little relationship you two have going on. You’re going to have to make a decision just what is more important to you. And if you don’t? I’ll forcefully make the decision for you.
Madison lowers her head, not willing to respond.
JPD: Come on, we got business to attend to.
Jace grabs Madison by the arm and pulls her down the hallway as we head elsewhere…
The Gold(en) Standard
The sound of ‘The Escape (The Pina Colada song)’ by Rupert Homes can be heard playing as the HOV comes to life and the scene opens with a panoramic view of the sub blazing down across the vast blueness of the Caribbean sea. The camera continues to pan around, revealing a secluded strip of white sand on a private section of the beach.
The scene then cuts to the Gold Standard, John Sektor, who is lying topless on a sun lounger wearing a pair of shades and humming along to the music. Only the top half of him is visible but the top of a blonde woman’s head can be seen bobbing up and down just in front of him rhythmically.
Sektor: ..and getting CAUGHT in the rain…do do doooo do!
His hands are hidden behind his head as he seems completely relaxed by his sun soaking vacation in the Carribean. Suddenly he begins to twitch and eventually more vigorous and involuntary convulsions begin to take over him. He sounds almost in pain as his pecs tighten before finally he thrusts the LSD championship high above his head as though he just won it.
He covers his face the the title as he catches his breath, whilst the blonde reveals her face and wipes the corner of her mouth before moving out of shot.
He eventually pulls the title down and flicks his sunglasses onto the tip of his nose as he looks into the camera as though he only just noticed it was rolling.
Sektor: AH! I did not see you there, mis hermano’s!
He says with a smile glancing up and to his right as a bikini clad brunette enters the shot, handing him a cocktail inside an oversized pineapple.
Sektor: Thank you mamma.
He gives the brunette a playful, but firm, smack on her ass as she turns to walk. She smiles and looks into the camera lense seductively.
Brunette: Love that Sektor!
Sektor smirks and takes a hearty sip of the cocktail before casually resting it down on a table to his left.
Sektor: As you can see, The Gold Standard is still here working on his Golden tan in the beautiful tropics of the Caribbean. But do not worry, I will soon be returning refreshed and rejuvenated and ready to prove why I am the greatest LSD champion of alltime!
He makes his final two words snappy, emphasising his point.
Sektor: Clay, Harrison, Jatt, Solex, Jiles? I hope you are watching mis hermano’s, because this?
He gestures around at the paradise around him.
Sektor: This could all be yours, if you didn’t completely and utterly SUCK! Seriously, guys, you need to step up. You really do. Anyway..
He flicks the sunglasses up onto the top of his head to make sure his eyes are clearly visible.
Sektor: I must say, I am upset that my fellow Alliance brother was unable to, yet again, win a championship last week. I was hoping Clay would become World champion so that Teddy and I can settle this LSD championship one on one. Because I’ve heard all the whispers about Teddy not being a hundred percent, yaddy-yadda-ya, its all fucking excuses. But this is fine, because I will make his perra culo (bitch ass) tap out again at Bottomline.
He waves a hand nonchalantly, as though it would be nothing short of easy.
Sektor: Now Clay? Big Man? I hope you have learned from your past failures to acquire the LSD championship, and also your recent failure to win the World. Because you see, you need to know your role in this match mi amiga. See, as a champion? I would usually HATE a triple threat match. Too many variables, you know? Too many things can happen that are not in my control. BUT, your job is to literally help ME retain the championship. That is all. Now I don’t care how fucking big you are, because if you try to screw me?
Sektor leans forward slightly, his steely gaze burning into the lense of the camera.
Sektor: I will break you in half..
His flingers snap together, emphasising what he will do to Clay if he betrays him.
Sektor: …and I will cut you down to size in mere seconds. Do not fuck me, compadre, you are there as the help!
His face then relaxes as he knowingly smiles, realising what emotions this will evoke from his stablemate.
Sektor: Now Teddy? Teddy, Teddy, Teddy. I really hope you lose tonight. Not because I hate you or anything like that. But because I want to make sure that you are standing across the ring from me in Chicago. Bottomline, I want YOU! I want to prove that I am better than you and that me taking this?
He holds the LSD championship up with one hand, looking at it before looking back at the camera.
Sektor: Wasn’t a fluke! I am in the best form of my life. You have only been above me because it took me some time to get back here. But I have arrived and it is time to brush you aside and take back my place at the top of the food chain. This championship is going nowhere and I will enjoy picking you apart piece by piece as I strip you back to basics. I am the Gold Standard. I am the wrestling machine. I am John, FUCKING, Sektor!
His intense gaze slowly morphs into a smirk before he begins to dance in his seat slightly.
Sektor: Damn, all these cocktails have gone straight to my bladder, main..
He jumps off his sun lounger and turns around, pulling down his shorts so that his bare ass is facing the camera. He then suddenly begins to piss all over the back of a startled brunette who has been tanning her back at the side of him.
Brunette: ARGH, WHAT THE..
Sektor: Shut up! Equal rights BITCH! A Golden shower from the Gold Standard. WOOOH!
The camera then slowly begins to pan out as Sektor continues to piss all over the brunette, thrusting a fist in the air just as the feed is about to cut.
Sektor; BEST IN THE WOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRLD!
With that the video ends and we cut to a commercial break.
Rah vs. JPD
As we come back from commercial, the Hall of Fame duo is ready to call the first of our championship matches.
Joe Hoffman: Welcome back ladies and gentlemen where we are about to have our first of two title defenses.
Benny Newell: It doesn’t matter if it’s one, two, fifteen, hundred, or a fucking million because when the Best Alliance holds all the gold they are retaining all the fucking gold! DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: That has been the case as of late and in a few moments we have the newly crowned High Octane Television Champion defending his championship against the returning……
Benny Newell: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Joe Hoffman: That’s right Benny. The Sunshine God makes his return to a HOW ring to battle the King of Everything.
Benny Newell: I don’t know who to cheer for Hoffman. We got Jace representing GOD and the Best Alliance and we got RAAAAAAAAAAH! And he’s well…you know…RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! FUCK IT! DRINK!
With that, Bryan McVay is ready in the ring.
Bryan McVay: Introducing first…
Over the loudspeaker we hear an acoustic guitar, a slide guitar, and a meaty rhythm guitar.
Joe Hoffman: Okay. This is supposed to be Rah’s entrance but it seems… different.
Especially when Jimmy Buffett’s voice comes out over the speakers singing License to Chill.
Work, work, work
A big pile of it and the boss is a jerk
I just want to disappear
Wishin’ I was somewhere other than here
No announcer guy. The lights turn off and a small spotlight illuminates the ramp where a group of former Arizona State sorority sisters come out all dressed up in Hawaiian flowery dresses, Hawaiian leis, shark head gear, hats made out of cardboard Landshark Beer cartons and some even sport pirate patches in one eye and a stuffed toy parrot on their shoulder. The girls dance to the music with boat drinks of all kinds, having a grand ol’ time taking selfies of themselves with their cell phones.
Livin’ for the weekend
Jumpin’ off the deep end
With just enough money to buy
A license to chill- and I believe I will
Then Barbie-Q comes out wearing a multi-colored bikini with a sash that has ‘Barbie-Q’ written out on it. She’s got a Hawaiian lei on as well and sports a Mai Tai drink in her hand. Barbie rolls her eyes at the antics of the ex-ASU sorority sisters but then joins them in dancing on the stage.
Let the rat race run, roll around in the sun until
Trouble turns funny, songs get sung
A little bit of money, the night’s still young
Leave me alone, I’ve got a license…
License to chill.
Sunny O’Callahan comes out next. Not dressed festively, she walks out with her arms folded and walks right down the ramp to the ring as the instrumental break to the Jimmy Buffett song, aptly named ‘License to Chill’ plays on.
The crowd gets on their feet, four large, hulking men carry out four large palm trees with a giant hammock tied to each tree. Inside the hammock is six-foot eight inch, two-hundred-and-eighty-pound man dressed in a Hawaiian print shirt and a pair of baggy Bermuda shorts sipping a margarita from a large glass.
Bryan McVay: Ladies and gentlemen. From sunny Southern California. The reason the Earth doesn‘t float away in the vastness of space…the reason it’s eighty degrees outside and not minus four hundred and fifty-nine point six seven…and the reason Brian Wilson AND Jimmy Buffett wrote all those great songs…ladies and gentlemen…this is the Sunshine God…… RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
With O’Callahan sulking already at ringside, Barbie-Q leads the sorority sisters and the rest of the procession down to the ring steps where it stops and Rah climbs out of the hammock. He takes in the acclamation from the crowd and finishes off the margarita in his hand. After he shakes his head and his eyes clear, Rah climbs into the ring.
Joe Hoffman: A rather unique entrance for R….
Benny Newell: RAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
As Rah kicks back in the corner…. The lights in the arena dim as the HOV begins to light up.
The words “The King has Returned.” echo throughout the building.
The crowd stands on its feet as smoke begins to build on stage. The sound of Kingdom by Jaxson Gamble begins to blare as a spotlight shines on stage. The crowd gives a mixed reaction as through the smoke appears Jace Parker Davidson along with Madison by his side.
Bryan McVay: And his opponent, representing the Best Alliance. From Miami, FL and weighing in at 253 lbs….he is the REIGNING! AND DEFENDING! HOTV CHAMPION…….THE KING OF EVERYTHING! JACE! PARKER! DAAAAAAAAVIIIIIIDSOOOOOOOOON!
Jace looks out at the crowd and soaks in the reception as he raises his newly won championship above his head before locking arms with Madison.
Joe Hoffman: Jace is no stranger to Television gold as he was the most dominant champion when it came to the old title. Holding it a total of four times and be the last ever holder of it when he unified it with the LSD championship.
Benny Newell: That’s why he’s the King of Everything Hoffman. He conquers all.
The two make their way down the ramp slowly as fans reach over the barricade trying to touch the duo. Madison takes her place at ringside by Benny as Jace slides under the bottom rope to enter the ring. Jace pops to his feet and makes his way over to the nearest corner and climbs the turnbuckle to pose for the crowd.
Benny Newell: These filth better show some respect to the King.
Hopping down Jace goes to his corner and begins to stretch before the match starts.
Joe Hoffman: And here we go…..
Rah and Jace come out of their respective corners and meet up in the center of the ring and Jace begins to have some choice words for the Sunshine God.
Joe Hoffman: Jace letting Rah know how he feels about him.
Benny Newell: He’s probably trying to recruit him to the Best Alliance.
Rah seemingly doesn’t pay attention to Jace, or he doesn’t care or it could be both, but this irritates the champion who responds with a hearty shove and the Sunshine God responds which one of his own that sends the champion to the canvas.
Joe Hoffman: Jace cannot win the power game against Rah.
Benny Newell: When you suck from the teet of GOD Hoffman you can do anything.
Jace slowly gets to his feet never taking his eyes off of Rah and motions for the big man to lock up. As Rah goes to lock up, Jace brings the big man down to a knee with a low dropkick.
Joe Hoffman: Smart strategy cutting the base out from under the bigger opponent.
Benny Newell: I wonder if I can insert some base into those sorority chicks.
Jace starts chopping away with some kicks to the leg of Rah and the big man does his best to cover up, but Jace is switching up sides of attack from outside to in.
Joe Hoffman: Jace is attacking that leg with extreme precision.
Benny Newell: That’s why he’s the fucking King Hoffman.
Rah grits his teeth as the pain starts to build and the Sunshine God starts to see the pattern of the champion’s attacks and when Jace throws that big right he catches it.
Joe Hoffman: Jace got caught!
Jace hops on one leg begging Rah to let him go as he slowly stands, but the Sunshine God has other plans as he throws Jace to the canvas.
Benny Newell: Get up!
Jace quickly kips up, but Rah anticipated it and sends the King of Everything through the ropes and crashing to the floor from a massive big boot.
Joe Hoffman: Jace was just leveled by that size fifteen boot. I’m surprised the Big Bang didn’t happen from that impact.
Benny Newell: That only happens when RAAAAAAAH! Goes RAAAAAAAAH!
Rah steps over the top rope and climbs down to pick up Jace, but the champion has other plans as he rakes the eyes.
Joe Hoffman: Solar eclipse is in effect.
Benny Newell: I’m going to fucking slap you.
Jace quickly grabs Rah and whips him into the nearest set of ring steps. Jace rolls back into the ring and yells at Hortega to count Rah out.
Rah begins to stir.
Benny Newell: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Rah is to all fours.
Joe Hoffman: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Rah is leaning against the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Look out!
Jace doesn’t wait for Rah to roll back in as he takes the initiative to try a suicide dive, but the Sunshine God used his divine ability to foresee a few seconds into the future and caught the HOTv champion in midair. The Suntan So-Cal Man, slings Jace over his shoulder and starts to run towards the nearest set of ring steps and when he gets close enough he presses Jace off of his shoulder.
Joe Hoffman: Rah with a variation of the Sunspot to Jace on those steps! The champion is on spaghetti legs.
As Jace struggles to stand, Rah delivers a massive running boot to the champion.
Benny Newell: COME ON RAAAAAAAAAH! I MEAN COME ON JACE! ER….FUCK IT! DRINK!
The crowd is pumped as they cheer on the Sunshine God, and Rah picks up Jace and throws him back into the ring. Rah climbs into the ring and quickly goes for a cover.
Joe Hoffman: Will we see a new champion here?
Jace pops the shoulder.
Benny Newell: Not yet Hoffman.
Rah picks up the champion and whips him to the nearest set of ropes and looks for a clothesline, but Jace has something else in mind as he ducks underneath the attack and takes down Rah with a dropkick to the knee.
Joe Hoffman: Jace attacking the legs once again.
Jace quickly spins around and runs towards the ropes and when he bounces off he looks to deliver a running knee……or so he thought.
Joe Hoffman: No way……
Rah caught Jace and the expression of the normally cool, calm, and collected Sunshine God has changed and now he is channeling his cousin the God named Pissed-Off-Icus. Jace is begging Rah to let him go but his pleads fall on deaf ears as Rah swings him around and delivers a ring shaking sidewalk slam.
Benny Newell: Jace’s life is flashing before his eyes Hoffman.
Rah goes for a cover and hooks a leg.
Jace pops the shoulder up.
Joe Hoffman: Every power move is inching Rah closer and closer to victory.
Rah drops the leg across Jace’s chest before picking him up to a sitting position and locking in a reverse chinlock.
Joe Hoffman: Rare submission from Rah.
Benny Newell: It’s not rare it’s RAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Rah begins to deliver elbows to the neck and shoulder area of Jace before he channels his solar energies into a single strike from an extended thumb.
Joe Hoffman: UV SPIKE!
Jace begins rolling on the canvas holding his throat gasping for breath.
Benny Newell: That’s too far!
Rah takes a moment to catch a breather before making his way over to the still struggling and putting the boots to him.
Joe Hoffman: Hortega needs to check on Jace, he could have a crushed larynx.
Benny Newell: Those sorority chicks will be calling me the larynx crusher that after I show them why I’m called the Big Buff.
Rah reaches down to pick up Jace, but the champion quick kicks the Sunshine God in the face. Rah staggers back and Jace takes the opportunity to get to his feet and blast the big man into the corner with a super kick.
Joe Hoffman: Super kick from Jace! Can he capitalize?
Benny Newell: Of course Hoffman! He’s Best Alliance.
Jace follows up his kick with a running knee to the face. He grabs Rah by the hair and runs towards the center of the ring and drives him face first into the mat. He rolls Rah onto his back and goes for a cover.
Rah kicks out.
Jace immediately jumps up and drives both feet into the chest of Rah.
Joe Hoffman: Double foot stomp by the champion. Jace trying to keep Rah grounded.
Jace musters enough strength to pull the Sunshine God to his feet and whip him across the ring…..
Benny Newell: REVERSE! DRINK!
Rah reverses the Irish whip and the champion hits the corner hard.
Joe Hoffman: Rah looks like he wants to end it here.
Rah builds up a head of steam and looks to drive his massive shoulder into the sternum of Jace.
Benny Newell: Look out Jace!
Jace channels his inner Jean Claude Van Damme as he splits the top ropes and watches Rah hit the ring post shoulder first. As Rah staggers back, he hops onto Rah and uses the momentum to flip Rah over.
Joe Hoffman: CANADIAN DESTROYER!
Joe Hoffman: RAH KICKED OUT! RAH KICKED OUT!
Benny Newell: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
The crowd goes ballistic and Jace can’t believe it as he flashes three fingers to Hortega to shows him it was a count of dos. Jace pushes himself off of the mat and goes to the outside of the apron and yells for Rah to stand up.
Joe Hoffman: I wonder what evil intentions Jace has in mind.
Jace waits for Rah to get to his feet and when he turns around Jace jumps up and springboards towards the Sunshine God.
Joe Hoffman: Springboard hurricanrana coming up…….hold on a second!
Rah powers Jace back up and the champion unleashes a barrage of right hands but they don’t faze Rah and the Sunshine God runs towards the ropes launching Jace to the outside.
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Joe Hoffman: Running Eye of……
Benny Newell: RAAAAAAAAAAH!
Jace is motionless on the outside and Rah collapses on the inside.
Joe Hoffman: Both men are down! Rah may win via countout.
Benny Newell: And Jace can get Stevens’ old parking space. It’s a win-win for everyone! DRINK!
Hortega checks on Rah, before he begins his count of Jace on the outside.
Rah begins to stir.
Rah rolls out of the ring.
Benny Newell: What’s Rah doing?
Joe Hoffman: Trying to win the HOTv championship.
Rah picks up Jace and rolls him back inside the ring.
Benny Newell: I think I’m going to have a heart attack Hoffman.
Joe Hoffman: You and me both Benny.
Rah can’t believe Jace got his foot on the bottom rope.
Joe Hoffman: Rah looks like he wants to end it here.
Rah looks at his faithful worshipers and signals it time to sacrifice Jace to the Temple of the Sunshine God.
Benny Newell: Lee isn’t going to like sacrifices being made that aren’t to him.
Rah places Jace between his legs and looks towards the heavens of the State Farm Arena with arms stretched out soaking in the praise and worship of his followers.
Joe Hoffman: Rah is Rahing up.
Benny Newell: it’s RAAAAAAAAAAAH!ING UP!
Rah looks towards the selfie-taking ex-sorority girls, but they completely ignore Rah and continue to take selfies.
Benny Newell: Those sorority girls are checking out my dick picks.
Joe Hoffman: Benny!
Benny Newell: What?
Rah then looks towards Barbie-Q who his painting her nails. Rah shakes his head as he looks towards the crowd for that final surge of solar energy.
Crowd: RAH! RAH! RAH! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
After receiving the necessary strength from his faithful, Rah lifts up Jace.
Joe Hoffman: Eye of……NO!
There is still some fight left in the champion as he does all he can to try and get free.
Joe Hoffman: JACE IS BITING THE SUNSHINE GOD!
Benny Newell: LOVE IT! DRINK!
Rah let’s go of his grip and Jace shifts his momentum and grabs Rah on the way down.
Joe Hoffman: Unscripted Violence!
Jace breathing heavily leans on the ropes and waits for Rah to lift his head before springboarding off of the middle rope and spiking Rah’s head into the canvas with a double foot stomp.
Joe Hoffman: Modified Bend the Knee.
Benny Newell: Jace putting that extra stank on it Hoffman.
Jace quickly goes for a cover.
DING. DING. DING.
Bryan McVay: And your winner by pinfall….AND STILL! THE REIGNING! AND DEFENDING! HOTV CHAMPION…….THE KING OF EVERYTHING! JACE! PARKER! DAAAAAAAAVIIIIIIDSOOOOOOOOON!
Upon hearing the bell Jace rolls off of Rah and clutches his championship tightly.
Joe Hoffman: Hard fought victory for Jace.
Benny Newell: Damn right it was but he proved why he’s Best Alliance.
Joe Hoffman: Rah may have lost tonight, but he looked good in defeat and I hate to be his next opponent.
The action cuts elsewhere as we see Jace smiling from ear to ear as he pats the HOTv title around his waist.
Let's Go On a Quest
The scene cuts to a backstage locker room where Conor Fuse paces back and forth, back and forth, muttering to himself a million times over.
Conor Fuse: I will not interfere. I will not interfere. I will not interfere. I will not interfere…
As he continues to do so, he doesn’t take notice of Teddy Palmer as he enters the room. The upcoming World Champion challenger watches the upcoming Bottomline World Champion challenger continue to shuffle around unsteadily while speaking to himself. The scene is reminiscent of a Bart Simpsons chalkboard entry, the only difference being that Conor is repeating his lines verbally rather than living the torture that is writing them out.
Teddy Palmer: What won’t you do?
Teddy’s interruption causes Conor to immediately snap back, pulling his hands behind his back as if he had something to hide. Teddy raises his brow curiously, having caught his Gaming Buddy with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar. Fuse’s initial reaction is to enter cover up mode.
Conor Fuse: Oh hey. Teddy. Say, you wanna game a little later? I was thinking…
But Conor can’t help but give in.
Conor Fuse: I’m not REALLY going to interfere, you know. Well, at least not in the way Sutler would want. If anything I want to help you win! I hear Sut’s got his sister and that rip off version of my Game Boy, MAXKAELJr. by his side tonight. Lame. That’s such a cheat code, man. I know Sutler’s good. I know he wins a lot. Like, duh dude, DUH. But then why does his bitchass need help? It’s not fair I tell ya!
Quick pause for a breath.
Conor Fuse: Anyway I’ve told myself eight-thousand-seven-hundred-three times “I will not interfere”. I’ve been counting, LOL. I was hoping to make it to ten-thousand and I think that’ll be a really solid number for me to be like, “yep, I know I won’t interfere. Teddy’s got this and see him at Bottomline!”
Conor’s words are flying out a mile a minute, and his face transitions from one shade of red to the next due to oxygen deprivation.
Teddy Palmer: Chill the fuck out, bro!
Ted seizes the opportunity to jump in during one of the brief gaps between words. His eyes are wide and his tone firm, but his demeanor is noticeably lighthearted.
Teddy Palmer: Breathe buddy. Just. Breathe.
Conor nods and inhales, filling his lungs with air. With a deep sigh, a slight look of relief creeps across his face.
Conor Fuse: I got lightheaded there for a minute,
Teddy Palmer: No shit, Sherlock. Just take ‘er easy. Everything here is good man. Infact, it’s better than good. It’s fuckin’ great. You don’t gotta worry about a damned thing. Cool?
Conor nods in agreement.
Teddy Palmer: I don’t care what Sutler does tonight. He can bring his sister. He can bring his bodyguard. He can resurrect Mina or Max or The Minister. None of it matters. I’ve got my fuckin’ groove back, bay bay! I can feel it in my bones. In my GODdamn soul. You know what I mean?
Conor Fuse: Like some sort of Power Up?
Teddy snaps his fingers and points at Conor enthusiastically.
Teddy Palmer: Exactly! And I have you to thank for it. You’re a top notch friend. You’ve always had my back, even when I was being a dick. So here…I got you a little something…
Teddy looks down at the balled up piece of green fabric in his hand. A little smirk peaks out from behind his beard, and he slowly raises his arm, offering the gift to Conor.
Teddy Palmer: It’s a thank you of sorts. Out with the old, in with the new…
Conor unravels the bundle to reveal that it’s a shirt. The Vintage’s eyes open wide as he holds it up, and an obvious excitement overtakes him.
Conor Fuse: GAMERS LOCO 360! No way! This is great! Thank you!
Fuse reveals the front of the shirt to the camera, showing the HOW Faithful the duos new logo: a black circular power button, illuminated with green lighting and ‘Gamers Loco 360’ arched overtop of it. Conor’s instinct is to playfully tussle Teddy’s hair, but doesn’t want to risk ruining the moment and pulls back.
Conor Fuse: I’m gonna wear this bad boy while I’m watching tonight, cheering you on! I won’t even be playing “as” you because I know you’ve got this!
Teddy Palmer: You’re damn right I do. This is our time, Conor!
Teddy jabs Conor in the chest with his index finger, putting an exclamation on his point.
Conor Fuse: Gamers Loco 360! The next logical upgrade for our friendship! The next upgrade? Teddy Palmer winning the World Championship of High Octane. Then? We go on a Mario & Luigi quest together! Now that I bring it up, Sutler does kinda look like Bowser…
Fuse’s voice starts to drift off.
Conor Fuse: Hmmmm, and I did look good in green before I came to HOW…
Teddy Palmer: And I’m going look great in #97 Red. Get ready to celebrate, buddy!
Teddy pats Conor on the shoulder and offers a confident wink before departing the locker room. Fuse looks down at his shirt, smiles and goes back to pacing the floor.
Conor Fuse: I will not interfere. I will not interfere. I will not interfere.
Our scene fades out, transitioning elsewhere…
Liaison of Health and Nutrition
Backstage at one of the craft services table. The Ruler of Jattlantis, sporting the Clay Byrd hat he “borrowed” and a white suit with a “HERO OF JATTLANTA” t-shirt underneath) is supervising as the Wabid Wabbit proceeds to dump various food items (fried chicken, bacon wrapped jalapenos, buffalo wings, etc.) into a garbage as Anton the Fourth replaces the items with unsalted pita chips and hummus, a vegetable plate (no dipping sauce), and a kale salad with radish, cherry tomatoes, and cabbage tossed in olive oil. Blaire Moise approaches with a microphone.
BLAIRE MOISE: Jatt Starr, would like to….tell us what you’re doing?
JATT STARR: I think it’s blatantly obvious. As Liaison of Health and Nutrition it is my duty to eliminate all unhealthy options for the crew and roster of the HOW. The average production worker in the HOW is one chili dog away from becoming morbidly obese and having a massive coronary.
The Sultan of SeaJattle looks Blaire Moise up and down, but not in the leering, lecherous way that Blaire Moise has come to expect.
JATT STARR: Even you look like you put on a pound or two. But hey, when you get to be our age, our metabolism doesn’t burn the calories like it used to, am I right?
BLAIRE MOISE: I have not—-
JATT STARR: Been taking care of your body? Clearly. You might want to do a juice cleanse. I am in the middle of one and I feel fantastic. It is the duty of the Hero of Jattlanta to purge the poisons that we, as human beings, crave, and to promote healthy eating habits. Never underestimate the power of proper nutrition. Maybe if Clay Byrd wasn’t grilling red meat and maybe focused on healthier options like a poached sea bass with a mango salsa, perhaps he would be the HOW Champion now. And I say that as his number one fan and someone who worships him.
BLAIRE MOISE: Speaking of “worship”, last week, Xander Azula—-
The Jattlantic City Idol snaps his fingers and waves over the portly, bearded Anton the Fourth over, who speaks in his deep, faux British accent very dramatically.
BLAIRE MOISE: What’s this?
ANTON: You said the “X” word followed by the “A” word, sweet lips. The Grand Overlord of JATTURN and Hero of Jatt-LAN-TAAAAA, shant answer questions about that walking used condom, Xandingo Asshole! In fact, I shall rePHRASE!!!! That fucking Asshole is NOT a used condom, he is the contents of one.
BLAIRE MOISE: I see, so—-
ANTON: I am OF COURSE speaking of this American term, “JIZZ”.
BLAIRE MOISE: Okay, so—-
ANTON: Or Man Milk, as it were. Or Ejacu—-
BLAIRE MOISE: I got it!
ANTON: Jatt Starr’s feelings on this fucking shitstain will be made abundANTLY CLEAAAAAAAAR…..in due time, next week. For NOW, let it be known, that Jatt Starr is infuriated at the thousands of dollars of beluga that was wasted, not to mention the LACK of respect shown to him last WEEK by this fucking tit! This weasel dick, “XA” better watch his fucking back because once Jatt Starr is medially cleared, he WILL seek retribuTIOOOOOON!!!! Listen carefully, Tits, because IT WILL only be said once…..Next week, the Starrabian Idol, the Champion of JATTA-CHOO-CHOO will have an announcement announcing when he will be reaDYYYYYYYY to come back to action, which shall cause that cunty little dickless fuck to crawl back up his mum’s va-jay-jay, the children folk say….or WOMB, as it is more commonly referred. Interview OVER!!!! Away with you!!!!
Anton the Fourth snaps his fingers and the Wabid Wabbit who is arranging the veggie platter on the table walks over Blaire Moise.
WABID WABBIT: I am vewy sowwy, but I must ask you to weave the Wuler of Jattwantis’s bweathing space. You are bwinging some vewy stwong negative enuhgy.
Jatt Starr stands behind the Wabid Wabbit, looking up at the ceiling with his arms across his chest.
WABID WABBIT: Pwease to do not make me escoaht you out.
Blaire Moise proceeds to leave at which point the Sovereign of Starrgentina claps his hands together.
JATT STARR: Alright people, we have twelve more craft tables to cleanse. Let’s get going here!
The Wabid Wabbit proceeds to walk off camera and Jatt Starr proceeds down the corridor followed by Anton the Fourth in the opposite direction. Shortly thereafter, Wabid Wabbit comes back in frame pulling a large cart full of healthy snacks. The scene ends and we cut to our final commercial break of the evening.
Back live from commercial break and Lester Moregrimes is seen walking through the backstage of High Octane Wrestling. He spins around quickly to a Behemoth shouting down the hallway at him.
Clay Byrd: Remember what I said ta ya when we first met?!
The Monster from Plainview walks up the hallway, never breaking eye contact with him.
Clay Byrd: I told ya ta get a plot in a cemetery in Dallas… I’m sorry that this was so delayed, I’m a busy, busy man Lester…
Lester backs up against the wall as Clay gets in his face, he slowly gets nose to nose with Lester Moregrimes.
Clay Byrd: I haven’t been keepin’ my promises lately Lester, I haven’t been hurtin’ people like I said I would… That has ta change my friend, I need ta keep my promises. I need ta keep my word. It’s important ta me, it’s absolutely, incredibly, important ta me that people take me at my word.
Clay throws a fist that smashes Moregrimes in the side of the skull. Another fist flies from The Monster that connects with Moregrimes stomach.
Clay Byrd: So I’m gonna put ya in that fuckin’ graveyard. I’m gonna put ya in the fuckin’ dirt where yer ass belongs.
The Behemoth smashes Moregrimes’ skull with a knee, blood spraying against the wall.
Clay Byrd: You shoulda wrote a fuckin’ book like I said Lester… Ya shoulda wrote a fuckin’ book.
Two more fists and knees fly as Lester falls to the ground, blood flowing from his mouth and his ears. Lester goes to talk, the blood bubbling from his mouth, but Clay smashes a foot into his face.
Clay Byrd: But ya didn’t, it’s too late now, don’t talk… just…
Clay kneels down and begins unloading fists into Moregrimes’ face, over and over again.
Clay Byrd: Remember I’m a man of my word Lester.
The action cuts back to the announcers for the Main Event
Teddy Palmer vs. Sutler Reynolds-Kael
Back live and we cut to HOW senior ring announcer Bryan McVay as it is time for our final match of the night.
Bryan McVay: This is the main event and it is for the HIGH OCTANT WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP! Introducing first, the challenger, from Toronto, Ontario, Canada weighing in at two-hundred-thirty-five pounds… TEDDY PALMER!
“Hold Up a Light” by Thrice blares on the PA as the fans give a loud cheer for the challenger. Dressed in his regular ring gear, Palmer looks focused and willing as he makes his way down the ramp and into the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Well, it’s put-up time for Teddy Palmer. You have to know he’s ready.
Benny Newell: No. It’s shut-up time for Mr. Palmer. I am done with this Grapplers bullshit and tonight Sutler will purge one more.
The lights in the arena die out as “Truth” by Danny Elfman creeps out over the speakers in the State Farm Arena as a sinister #97red light flickers on the stage. A swirling fog obscures the stage as several shadowy figures appear to move through it taking up their position on the stage. The red light snaps out as several red dots appear, burning red eyes glaring down at the ring and Teddy Palmer.
There is a loud electrical thud as once again the stadium is awash in darkness as the music cuts off suddenly. “Believer” by Solence roars triumphantly over the sound of boos as the stage lights up with bright lights to reveal the High Octane World Champion, Sutler Reynolds-Kael holding the #97red strap high above his head. To one side Little Lady Sutler aka Chloe Sektor-Kael stands with a huge smile while on the other the brick shit house known as MAXKAELJr.
Bryan McVay: His opponent, from Arkham, Massachusetts, weighing in at one-hundred-ninety-five pounds… he is the High Octane WORLD CHAMPION… SUTLER REYNOLDS-KAAAAAEL!
After posing for a few moments Sutler swaggers his way toward the ring while Chloe skips around him cheering on her big brother. Junior slowly stalks down the ramp behind him, his cold dead eyes glaring up at Teddy Palmer.
Benny Newell: That’s a hell of some backup in Junior!
As they reach the ring, Sutler climbs the stairs and then helps Chloe up onto the ring apron. MAXKAELJr stalks around the ring turning his eyes toward the fans. Chloe dances in the center of the canvas as Sutler runs to the nearby turnbuckle lifting the World Title high above his head once again while he cuts a cocky pose.
As his music dies down, Sutler climbs down and with some reservation, hands the World Championship off to Matt Boettcher.
Joe Hoffman: We’re about ready to go.
The crowd is worked into an immediate FRENZY as Teddy Palmer rushes in and catches Sutler SQUARE under the jaw with a running single high knee! It stuns Sutler, to the point he falls backwards on the canvas like a mannequin. The fans take from their seats. Teddy drops to a knee and hooks both legs!
Joe Hoffman: It might be over!
The arena sighs as Palmer looks up at the referee. Reynolds-Kael kicks out with a seizure-like force, perhaps coming to at that very moment and saving himself from the world title loss!
Joe Hoffman: What a close cal-
Hoffman’s cut off. Palmer doesn’t allow Sutler to recover or for himself to become frustrated in the early stages of the match. The challenger locks in a triangle choke!
Joe Hoffman: Palmer has his version of the triangle choke locked in! The LBI! He has completely blindsided the champion!
Benny Newell: Fuck off, Teddy. I question those methods… the bell didn’t even finish ringing before he sprinted across the rampway at Sutler. Bullshit!
A quick picture-in-picture replay shows it was close and could be debated either way.
Joe Hoffman: Well no matter what, Sutler Reynolds-Kael, the HOW World Champion is in the middle of the ring, dead, to, rights!
Reynolds-Kael shouts as he tries to reach forward. Meanwhile, Chloe stands at the apron facing her brother with a worried look across her face. No more dancing here. The crowd cheers heavily and Boettcher slides into position to see if he needs to call for the bell!
Joe Hoffman: Sutler is moving Palmer slowly. I think that high knee legitimately knocked the champion out and he’s only now waking up… while also being slowed down significantly given the nature of this submission!
The State Farm Arena continues to rock, although Sutler moves a little closer to the ropes.
MAXKAELJr marches around the ring. It looks like he may enter if he has to. Chloe doesn’t know what to do, she stretches her arms forward, as if she’d be able to grab her brother’s hand and drag him to the ropes faster. Obviously, that isn’t the case.
Joe Hoffman: Is Sutler fading!?
It certainly looks like Hoffman may be right. Suddenly, the Son of Scions looks to be DOA, completely knocked out. Referee Boettcher is about to raise a hand but Sutler’s eyes open widely and he pushes his way into the ropes with power!
Joe Hoffman: Wow! Sutler’s giving up around forty pounds in this contest. I hate to say it but when determined, he can wrestle up to Palmer’s weight class, as shown by that burst of energy to break the triangle choke!
Teddy releases the submission after a count of three and rises to his feet. He punts Sutler in the ribs, picks him up and connects with a snap suplex. Palmer floats over, lifts Sutler and lands a snap powerbomb with a pin.
Palmer shows no quit. Knowing the match is still on his side, he hits the ropes-
And is tripped up by MAXKAELJr.
Palmer doesn’t let it bother him, however. He rushes forward (albeit with less momentum than before) and crashes into the champion with a flying elbow! Reynolds-Kael gets back to his feet quickly but he’s hit with another flying elbow! And another! And another!
Palmer screams into the rafters and the fans eat it up. Teddy looks down at MAXKAELJr, scoffs and lifts Sutler into a German suplex position.
The crafty champion reaches out and takes hold of the top rope so Palmer can’t move him. It takes Teddy a moment to realize what’s going on, so instead Palmer shifts his weight, lifts Sutler up by his legs while SRK’s holding onto the top rope and tosses the World Champ up and over the top, to the floor below!
Joe Hoffman: Palmer exits the ring and tries for a springboard flying knee!!
Benny Newell: YES!
Joe Hoffman: NO!
At the last possible second, Sutler grabs Chloe and holds her in front. Teddy has to make a mid-air adjustment so he doesn’t hit Chloe with the flying knee. This change in momentum makes Palmer land awkwardly on his right leg. Sutler discards his sister with a tap on her shoulder like a job well done, collects himself and then drills his own knee into the side of Teddy’s temple to a chorus of boos!
Joe Hoffman: That’s bullshit! Teddy was OWNING Sutler in the early stages of this match. I thought our champion was supposed to be good… tough… could withstand a lot of punishment?
Benny Newell: He fucking can, Joe. He already has! Teddy’s offence would’ve knocked anyone else down by now!
Sutler hurls Palmer into the guardrail and then into the apron… and then into the guardrail… and then back into the ring. The heat is nuclear as the World Champion smirks as if insinuating he’s had Palmer under control this entire time.
Like a shark out for blood, Sutler slithers into the ring and waits on all fours for Teddy to rise. Once Palmer does, Reynolds-Kael chop blocks the right knee out from under him.
Joe Hoffman: Same knee Teddy landed poorly on! It’s like Sutler was waiting for his opponent to stand in order to double check what knee was hurting. The second Palmer wobbled on the right knee, he went for it.
Benny Newell: And you said this kid wasn’t good? Fuck off.
Joe Hoffman: I didn’t mean it like that. He’s the World Champion. He’s the youngest World Champion ever! But he didn’t need to put his own family in harm’s way. That’s all. It’s gutless!
Benny Newell: It’s great! Drink!
Sutler continues the attack on Palmer’s knee. He drives elbow after elbow into it. He twists Teddy’s leg around his and then snaps his body back, extending Palmer’s knee as far as he can before it breaks from Reynolds-Kael’s grasp. Sutler proceeds to stomp away at the knee while Teddy tries to make it into a corner. Referee Boettcher warns SRK to allow Palmer some space as he reaches the turnbuckle but the champion has no intention to stop.
…Until a count of four.
Reynolds-Kael backs away, arms in the air while asking referee Matt Boettcher if he’d like to join alongside HR.
It’s all a ploy for MAXKAELJr. to choke the ever living shit out of the challenger before he gets to both feet.
Once Boettcher reminds Sutler he’s not able to “join anyone”, the Son of Scions smiles, nods and moves the referee off to the side.
Joe Hoffman: Sutler sprints in with a knee to the side of Palmer’s face!
And then he goes back to working on Palmer’s leg. Sutler pulls Teddy up and out of the corner, hooks Palmer’s good leg into his body and lifts the challenger up… only to drop Teddy down and ensure all of Ted’s weight was put on the right knee.
This lift-drop goes for three trials before Sutler connects with a suplex and then locks in a sleeper hold.
Joe Hoffman: Palmer with a second wind! He jumps to his feet, grabs Sutler’s head and hits him with a jawbreaker! The sleeper is broken and this crowd is alive!
Both men are on the mat. Palmer pounds his right knee, hoping to test his pain threshold before taking a vertical base. Sutler, meanwhile, was completely blindsided by the jawbreaker and remains rattled on the mat.
Joe Hoffman: Palmer walks over to Sutler… SMALL PACKAGE BY SUTLER!
And a handful of tights (jeans), too!
T-bone suplex by Teddy.
Joe Hoffman: Palmer has come to play! He’s not letting these games get to him! He could be fuming about the cheap pinfall attempt but instead he knows the stakes. The High Octane World Championship is on the line! This is not a time for nonsense! Take what you can get and WRESTLE.
Benny Newell: Joe, shut up. DRINK!
Palmer Irish whips Sutler into the ropes but the wiley champion hooks both arms across the top rope and comes to a halt. Palmer races in and clotheslines Sutler out of the ring. The challenger is feeling it and the crowd is firing himup. Palmer hits the ropes across the way and looks for a suicide dive-
Joe Hoffman: Sutler’s grabbed Chloe again!
Reynolds-Kael points to his head like he’s got this all figured out already.
Palmer, however, has a sense that’s the direction SRK would go. The challenger stops before he clears the ring ropes, gives Sutler the middle finger and then springboards up and over the top rope with a crossbody block on MAXKAELJr!
The fans are ecstatic!
Joe Hoffman: What a smart play by Teddy!
Sutler’s stunned. He lets go of Chloe, likely by mistake. Palmer sprints towards Sutler and takes the champion down with a spear!
Joe Hoffman: Wonderful play by Palmer!
Benny Newell: Fucking bullshit, MAXKAELJr did nothing!
Joe Hoffman: So he wasn’t choking Teddy in the corner five minutes ago?
Benny Newell: Nope.
Palmer throws Sutler into the ring and enters himself. The Son of Scions is on his feet and Teddy hits Kael with a running single high knee. It’s not with as much impact as the knee that started the match off but it certainly gets the job done. Sutler’s stunned, wobbling around, looking to be put out of his misery…
Joe Hoffman: Palmer with a kick to the gut, looking for the double underhook DDT- NO! Sutler breaks away and performs a dragon screw on Teddy’s right knee!
Benny Newell: This! This right here shows you how good Sutler Reynolds-Kael is!
Joe Hoffman: Okay, I get it. Look, I didn’t mean Sutler WASN’T good. He’s incredibly talented! And he’d show just how talented he was if he didn’t use his sisters a human shield, twice. Or walk around with the massive MAXKAELJr.!
Like a pitbull, Sutler’s back to work on that knee. Numerous elbow drops, kicks and jiu-jitsu palm strikes go into the back of Palmer’s leg. Reynolds-Kael whips the leg to the canvas a few times before he turns Palmer over and looks for a one-legged Boston crab!
Joe Hoffman: Sutler’s got the move locked in! Palmer is not exactly in the center of the ring but he’s got a ways to go!
Teddy pulls at his hair. He grits his teeth and makes a play for the ropes. The challenger is almost there when Sutler drags Palmer all the way back to the center of the ring! Even PAST the center of the ring!
Joe Hoffman: Palmer uses Sutler’s own momentum to shift his base, turn and roll Reynolds-Kael into a small package!
The Atlanta crowd thought ‘MAYBE’ as both men rise. Reynolds-Kael grins sadistically looking at Teddy on 1.5 legs.
Joe Hoffman: SRK runs at Teddy-
Palmer tries to move but he can’t. Sutler seeks the leg out and connects with a chop block to the leg.
Joe Hoffman: That was, in hindsight, a rather disorganized chop block by Sutler’s standards. His moves are pretty crips inside the ring.
Benny Newell: I’ll tell you what that was. That was Sutler throwing his ENTIRE body at Teddy’s fucking knee and it was perfect! The exact opposite of disorganized. Throw all two-hundred pounds of you at that knee! SNAP AN ACL, MCL… or both!!
Sutler applies a figure four!
Benny Newell: Yes! Fuck him up, good! We’ve already seen Lindsay, Dan Ryan and Ray McAvay leave. Let’s GUT the entire 214!!! Conor, I hope you’re watching because you DON’T STAND A CHANCE!
Palmer shouts and waves his hands around. He starts biting one of them to ease the pain… although it doesn’t look like it’s helping. Teddy has one of two plays, find the ring ropes, which look to be too far away…
Or reverse the hold!
Joe Hoffman: Teddy’s trying to work Sutler over!
The second he does, Sutler reaches out and takes the bottom rope!
Benny Newell: So goddamn smart! Put the figure four on but protect yourself, too! Be NEAR the ropes while you do it in case something like this happens!
The fans boo as the hold is broken, given Boettcher’s direction. Palmer crawls towards the ropes on the other end of the ring, hoping to use them as a leg to stand on. Sutler’s up first but skeptical of approaching Teddy since he’s working his way up, too and has both eyes locked on the World Champion.
Joe Hoffman: HEY what the hell!?
While Boettcher was looking at Sutler, MAXKAELJr. trips Palmer to the canvas! Sutler smiles, races in and takes hold of Palmer-
Joe Hoffman: Sutler is EJECTED out of the ring! Palmer threw the champion over the ropes and RIGHT onto MAXKAELJr.!!
The fans rise, cheering Teddy on. It takes everything Palmer has but he stands in the middle of the ring and points to the heap outside of it.
Teddy Palmer: Sutler… OooOOOOooOOoooooUT!
Palmer hits the far ropes, races across the canvas while clearly in a lot of pain and clears the ropes…
Finally connecting with that suicide dive onto Sutler Reynolds-Kael!
Joe Hoffman: I can’t hear myself think!
Benny Newell: Drink? I don’t mind if I do. DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: I said think!
Palmer chucks SRK into the ring. The challenger needs a moment to knock more blood to his knee before arriving on the apron.
Joe Hoffman: WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING!?
Chloe Sektor-Kael stands on the apron with her brother beside her. Sutler hangs off his sister, looking like he may, once again, use her as a shield! Palmer enters the ring HOT, shouting at the champion while Boettcher tries to ensure Chloe is safe.
Of course, there’s more at play here…
Joe Hoffman: MAXKAELJr. is back on his feet AND IN THE RING! He’s right behind you, Teddy!
Before Palmer can turn around, Matt Boettcher does! He sees MAXKAELJr. about to strike Teddy and ejects him to the back! The arena loves the call!
Joe Hoffman: YES!! Matt’s doing his job and doing it well!
Sutler FUMES as Chloe drops off the apron. While the fans enjoy the call, Teddy looks to see MAXKAELJr. leave the ring-
Joe Hoffman: Chop block by Sutler! Into… OH MY GOD! A modified implant kamikaze! It wasn’t exactly the hold Sutler usually performs but we have a pin!
The arena BOOMS in support of Teddy Palmer as Sutler raises his head slowly, looking up at Boettcher as if the ref botched the count. (He didn’t).
Joe Hoffman: Reynolds-Kael can’t believe it!
SRK drags Palmer to his feet…
Joe Hoffman: DROP DEAD TED! PALMER HITS THE DOUBLE UNDERHOOK DDT!
Benny Newell: No. FUCK NO!
Joe Hoffman: It might REALLY be Teddy’s time! He’s both BOTH LEGS HOOKED!
The air is taken out of the arena for those who saw the kickout and there’s a wild celebration for those that didn’t. Either way, both wrestlers struggle to their feet. It’s clear neither man knows where the other is until they bump into each other. Teddy grabs Sutler and looks for an Olympic slam but Sutler lands on his feet! Sutler tries for a superkick but Teddy Palmer leans back and Kael’s boot meets the air! Reynolds-Kael bounces off the ropes, although Palmer catches him and looks for a spinning sidewalk slam but Sutler rolls onto Teddy’s back and hooks in a rear naked choke… which is ALSO countered into a standing switch, rear naked choke by Teddy Palmer as he flips Sutler onto his shoulder and lands a powerslam!
Joe Hoffman: NO! Reynolds-Kael escapes the powerslam! Teddy hits the math without anyone!
Kael kicks Palmer in the back of the leg…
Joe Hoffman: THE SUTLER METHOD! DAMMIT!
Benny Newell: OH YEAH, DRINK DRINK DRINK MOTHER FUCKER!
Teddy’s in the center of the ring; the crowd are on their feet screaming for the challenger to once again show his resilience and make it to the ropes.
Sutler seethes as he ensures the finisher is locked on as tight as possible.
Somehow, someway, Teddy is moving slowing towards the ropes!
He’s ——- close.
Joe Hoffman: Palmer has to get there! He has to!
Benny Newell: Tell me where it says that? Fuck Teddy!
Palmer moves again.
Sutler wrenches back. Palmer’s face is as red as can be!
And, yet, he moves.
Joe Hoffman: Palmer doesn’t have much time left. He really, REALLY doesn’t!!
And suddenly, the fans are ALIVE because with everything he has Teddy Palmer makes a MAJOR play towards the ropes moving twice the length as before!
And then – close.
He reaches out.
His arm falls flat.
Matt Boettcher is in a great position to make the call.
DING DING DING
The air is completely taken out of the arena as Bryan McVay informs everyone.
Bryan McVay: The winner of this match and STILL High Octane World Champion… SUTLER REYNOLDS-KAEL!!!!
Joe Hoffman: That was a HELL of an effort by Teddy!
Benny Newell: And what about our champion? He won CLEAN. He showed his worth. HE. WINS. That’s all there is to this story. That’s all you need to know. SUTLER WINS. Bottomline. I hope you’re watching you virgin gaming dipshit! How do you think you’re EVER gonna beat this MAN!? Teddy Palmer didn’t.
Reynolds-Kael falls to his back and is awarded the championship while the camera cuts to Chloe. She enters the ring and helps her brother to his feet.
Joe Hoffman: What a main event we just witnessed! Yes, Sutler is great but Teddy brought him everything he has! We’re in Memphis next week. Goodnight everyone!
The show ends as an exhausted but victorious Sutler Reynolds-Kael holds the championship high above his head and Teddy Palmer comes to on the canvas.
Lee pounds his fist on his table as his monitor shows Sutler being handed the World Championship.
Lee swipes his hand across the table and tosses his laptop and papers to the floor.
Lee Best: Am I really going to count on this fucking video game kid to beat Sutler at Bottomline?? WHO the fuck is going to beat him now????
Lee grabs his glass full of whiskey and takes it down in one drink. Finished he tosses it across the room and it breaks on the wall.
Lee Best: I tell you what…..the NEXT MOTHERFUCKER that walks thru that door will get a World Title shot……FUCKING NEXT WEEK!!!!!
Suddenly, as if on cue, there is a soft knock on the door.
Lee Best: Fuck…that sounds like fucking Blaire knocking…..fuck it……..GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!!!!
The door opens and the person sheepily walks into the office of the GOD OF HOW.
Lee begins laughing.
“Sorry boss……I just wanted to apologize for being…”
Lee Best: Shut the fuck up. Do NOT ruin this moment……..Next week you return to the ring……against SRK…..in the main event….FOR THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!!
The person in the door smiles from ear to ear and then quietly closes the door in hopes of not fucking up anything.