Bare With Me, Guys
As Refueled opens, we don’t cut directly to the announce table for the usual intro to the show. Instead, we find ourselves backstage with HOW veteran interviewer Brian Bare, a man who continues to hold on to his job by being incredibly forgettable. He also needs a lifetime supply of moisturiser and I will be setting up the Go Fund Me as soon as the show is finished. Please donate money to him immediately, because he is the interviewer for almost every single segment tonight and he is very overworked.
Brian Bare is standing in the parking lot, looking out into the sea of production vehicles as he notices that the camera is now live.
Brian Bare: Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Refueled! I’m Brian Bare, and tonight I’ve been tasked with meeting the returning Cecilworth Farthington by representatives from Lee Best himself. He told me that I “need to figure out what he’s thinking” and “that bastard won’t return Lee’s calls”. The High Octane World was ROCKED by a weird news post by the Hall of Famer announcing his return here tonight, which appears to have been posted on the HOW website by the former World Champion himself. I’m standing by at the entrance to the arena, ready for his arrival. When Cecilworth arrives, you’ll be the first to know!
Bare gives a sign off hand signal from his incredible scabby and clammy hands as the HOV cuts to a singular image that brings the fans to their feet in a roar of cheers!
Joe Hoffman: Some incredibly unexpected news earlier this week, you have to wonder if this is linked to War Games.
Benny Newell: Who is letting that arm breaking fucker in the building? Do you know how greatly he reduced my LPH rate?
Joe Hoffman: LPH?
Benny Newell: Don’t worry about it.
Joe Hoffman: Well, ladies and Gentlemen and everybody everywhere, I’m Joe Hoffman, this is Benny Newell, we’re LIVE from the T-Mobile Arena in LAS VEGAS, NEVADA! Welcome to REFUELED LXI!
Benny Newell: DRIIIIIINK!
Joe Hoffman: Folks, we have an incredible Refueled for you tonight, culminating in a match for the HOW Tag Team Championships as Grapplers 214 once again take on the Best Alliance. The BA is really moving on those championships… you have to wonder how long they’ll be able to hold out! We’ve also got a LSD Championship match tonight, as well as an update on the status of Lee Best and the return of Cecilworth Farthington to HOW! Stay tuned, folks, we’re heading ringside now, as Refueled begins!
#3 Arthur Pleasant vs. #3 Dan Ryan
As we get ready to head to the ring, we get a panning shot over the live T-Mobile Arena crowd which roars with what some might call an overly aggressive applause. There are many clever signs, boy can you just imagine them? They’re there but the camera is moving way too quickly to see them, it’s probably the new guy named Jim.
Fuck you Jim, you’re why we don’t have signs this week.
Pyro blasts across the stage as the HOTv lights up with HOW logo emblazoned in chrome and flames. In the ring is Bryan McVay with Arthur Pleasant and Dan Ryan already in the ring. We cut from there to the commentary desk where Joe and Benny smile into the camera.
Joe Hoffman: We have an action packed Refueled planned for you tonight as we head down the Road to War Games!
Benny Newell: THE BEST ALLIANCE IS DOMINATING TONIGHT!
Joe Hoffman: That remains to be seen tonight but as you have insinuated tonight the Best Alliance is out in force. Folks tonight we have the Tag Team Championships AND the LSD Championship on the line. Red hot Teddy Palmer puts his LSD Championship and his current streak on the line against the Best Alliance’s Hughie Freeman.
Benny Newell: Hughie is gonna mop the floor with that fuckin’ scrub! DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: The Tag Team Championship belonging to the Grapplers Local 214 will be defended by Ray McAvay and Conor Fuse. Their opponents, representing the Best Alliance, Steve Harrison and World Champion, Cancer Jiles.
Benny Newell: DOUBLE CHAMPION! WHAT A COOL TIME TO BE JILES!
Joe Hoffman: Also in action tonight, Lindsay Troy against Jace Parker Davidson, Clay Byrd and Darin Matthews and opening the show tonight..
Benny Newell: A couple of scrubs!
Joe Hoffman: Careful, I think Dan heard you.
Benny Newell: ..oh shit..
Benny ducks beneath the desk as we cut back up to the ring where Bryan McVay waits for the crowd to quiet down before beginning.
Bryan McVay: Introducing first, from Under the Midnight Sun in U..Utq.. Qtuiagvik?.. Standing at 6’3’’ and weighing in at 207 lbs. AAAAARTHUR PLLLLEAAAAAAAASANT!
The Provocateur steps out from his corner with his hands raised, a delighted smile stretched across his lips. Outside the ring his massive body man, Yuri, stoically stands guard as the boos and jeers the relative newcomer to HOW.
Bryan McVay: And his opponent, from Houston, Texas, standing at 6’7’’ and weighing 305 lbs. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAN RYAAAAAAAN!
The massive mountain of a man, Dan Ryan, doesn’t move from his corner as he glares across the ring at his opponent like a hungry dog patiently waiting to eat it’s meal. The fans give Dan a fair amount of cheering as he has been gone from television now for some time.
Joe Hoffman: Both men opening here tonight are undefeated in singles competition in the year 2021 with both men threatening to top the HOW Singles Rankings after tonight.
Benny Newell: Oh who the fuck cares! I heard they had their entrances stripped from the opening of the show because OUR President of Human Resources, Sutler Reynolds-Kael, wanted them to have the real “Curtain Jerker” experience.
Joe Hoffman: And who told you that?
Benny Newell: SRK himself!
Joe Hoffman: SRK?
Benny Newell: It’s what his friends call him.
Joe Hoffman: That’s.. Okay, let’s check out the action in the ring.
DING DING DING!
The bell rings as Dan calmly tracks his way out of the corner into the center of the ring while the smaller Arthur stays outside of his reach. Looking for an opening in Dan’s defenses Arthur uses his speed to dart in firing off a few jabs into Dan’s ribs before retreating. After a few successful strikes Dan’s frustration begins to build and he is goaded into lashing out.
Joe Hoffman: An interesting tactic by Arthur but I’m not sure if it’s doing anything more than annoying Ryan.
Benny Newell: Dan Ryan’s like a rhino, Hoffman, a rhino that needs to get shot by poachers!
Joe Hoffman: Jesus, Dan.
Benny Newell: Didn’t you see what he did to our GOD last week? Fuck this guy!
Ducking beneath a furious haymaker thrown by Dan, Pleasant manages to throw his shoulder into Ryan’s knee, buckling the big man. Keeping the pressure up Arthur throws himself into the ropes, launching himself forward with even more force as he plows his shoulder into the back of Dan’s knee cutting it out from beneath him completely!
Joe Hoffman: Arthur found the opening he was looking for and took advantage!
Benny Newell: This is why GOD booked him against Ryan, he knows this poacher can kill the rhino! SAAAAFARRRIIII!!!!
Driven down to the mat, Dan quickly rolls to the side getting into the ropes however Pleasant is unrelenting despite Matt Boettcher’s warnings to allow Dan a break. He slides out of the ring and grabs Dan’s leg, dragging it to and then ramming his knee into the metal post! Yuri moves close to ensure that none of the jeering fans interrupt his boss’s work.
Pleasant wraps up Dan’s leg around the post and then begins to punch the knee as Dan howls in rage and pain. Once again Matt Boettcher admonishes Arthur, threatening to disqualify him resulting in Pleasant eventually relenting. He releases Dan’s leg but it’s clear the damage is already done.
Joe Hoffman: Arthur with a complete lack of regard for the rules but one shouldn’t be surprised if you look into his history with a specialization in causing suffering.
Benny Newell: Again, why do you think God booked this match? CUT OFF HIS HORN! I heard it’s better than Blue Chew!
Slipping back into the ring Arthur begins to casually kick at Dan who seems more annoyed than hurt by the attacks as he struggles to get back onto a vertical base. Wasting no time as soon as Dan has managed to hobble back up to on leg Arthur darts in a kicks him in the gut before pulling him in for a Package Piledriver, all of the big man’s weight crashing down on his shoulders!
Joe Hoffman: Dan might have a serious neck injury after this..
Benny Newell: SAFARI MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dan’s body slumps to the side as Arthur hooks the leg..
A forceful kickout by Dan Ryan surprises Arthur who felt as though he should have gotten a two count at least! Shoving Boettcher away Arthur begins dropping elbows and knees across the back of Dan Ryan’s head, dragging him back up into a Pump-Handle Piledriver, hopping a little before driving Dan’s head down into the mat! A smirk crosses Arthur’s face as he hooks the leg looking directly into the camera.
Joe Hoffman: Another vicious piledriver on Dan Ryan! This isn’t right!
Benny Newell: Dan should have thought about that before he put his hands on GOD!
Once again Dan throws his arm up though Arthur looks more amused than upset this time. He climbs back up to his feet and slaps the back of Dan’s head. As Dan struggles to pull himself back up to his feet Arthur pulls Dan close and knees him directly in the balls, hiding the fact from Matt Boettcher before yanking Dan up into a nasty looking Snapping Piledriver, the torque folding Dan in half as his body crumples to the ground. Arthur mounts Dan and flexes for the cover.
Benny Newell: Somebody call Science, we’re about to take Dan Ryan off the endangered species list.. His ass is DEAD!
Dan full on powers up, throwing Arthur off him as rage mixes with murderous intent within Ryan’s eyes. Arthur realizes the sudden danger of the situation, begging off the big man though there is little to no mercy left in the body of Dan Ryan. A flurry of punches drives Arthur into the corner before Dan sends him sailing from one corner to the other with a tremendous Belly to Belly suplex!
Benny Newell: NO, NO!
Joe Hoffman: This is exactly what you don’t want, a pissed off Dan Ryan!
Yuri gets up on the apron glaring at Dan Ryan giving his boss a breather as he clamours to the outside, grabbing a steel chair before sneaking back in with evil intentions. Yuri grabs Matt Boettcher, threatening him as Dan slowly turns toward Arthur who swings for the fences!
Dan Ryan forearm smashes the chair directly back into Arthur’s face, his head snapping back before the rest of his body ragdolls to the ground. The chair clatters away as Yuri frowns in dismay, forced down off the apron by Matt Boettcher at last. Dan drags the dazed Pleasant to his feet before throwing himself into the ropes..
Joe Hoffman: HAMMER OF GoD!
Benny Newell: GOD DAMN IT!
The rolling elbow hits dead on as Arthur’s head is nearly taken off his shoulders, his body turning inside out before landing in a heap on the ground. Dan grabs both legs..
WINNER: DAN RYAN IN 12 MINUTES 2 SECONDS
Joe Hoffman: Arthur Pleasant threw an entire menu of head and neck trauma at Dan but it simply wasn’t enough as Ryan is triumphant in his return to Refueled!
Benny Newell: The Best Alliance is going to do what Dan Ryan did here tonight, dominate the evening and bring GOD his GOLD! DRINK!
As Dan Ryan celebrates in the ring we cut backstage.
The scene cuts backstage where Blaire Moise stands next to the one, the only, the legendary Jatt Starr. The Ruler of Jattlantis sports a stunning retro look of a white suit with the sleeves rolled up looking like slightly “heavier” Don Johnson and his red HOW Hall of Fame polo shirt.
BLAIRE MOISE: Jatt, it has been two weeks since you and Sektor lost the HOW Tag Team Championships and three weeks since losing the LSD Championship to Teddy Palmer. In that time, you have not been booked in a match, in fact, Hughie Freeman is getting a shot at the LSD Championship and Steve Harrison and COOL Jiles are getting a shot at the HOW Tag Team Championships later tonight.
JATT STARR: Is there a question forthcoming?
BLAIRE MOISE: Considering you have not received a rematch for either one of the championships that you lost and other members of the Best Alliance are receiving those title shots, are you concerned that Lee Best has lost faith in you?
JATT STARR: Wow. That’s brutal. I don’t know. Maybe Lee did lose faith in me. Maybe Lee is being a petty little man and this is his way of getting back at me for all the Mister Magoo comments. Who knows? What am I supposed to do? Jump up and down, screaming at the top of my lungs, crap my big boy pants, and throw poop at the walls like Darin Zion after an espresso? That serves no purpose.
BLAIRE MOISE: Considering the recent success of Local Grapplers 214, was your confrontation with Conor Fuse last week an attempt to sabotage their momentum?
JATT STARR: Sabotage? Of course not! My intention was not to cause dysentery within their ranks, not that it would take much. Look, Conor Fuse is a talented, quirky, young wrestler. He reminds me of….me at that age. I was trying to make him my padawan and counsel him with some Jatt-i wisdom. It’s disgusting how a megalomaniacal fribble and his gold digging, whorish strumpet are manipulating the poor guy. If anything, I was trying to help him. When push comes to shove, do you honestly believe that those two posers will stick their neck out for him? That would be a “no”, they’re too busy succumbing to their carnival instincts and their inflated egos to care about what happens to anyone else. I warned him, you can’t say I didn’t try, he ignored the Sultan of SeaJattle’s warnings. My conscience is clear and he must live with the consequences. What happens, happens. May the HOW gods smite Conor Fuse for his bullheadedness.
BLAIRE MOISE: What are the Best Alliance plans moving forward?
JATT STARR: Jiles and Harrison win the Tag Team Titles and Hughie wins the LSD Championship whilst Jace Parker Lewis Can’t Lose Davison bitch slaps Lindsay Troy into 2003 so Omar Rasheem’s camel can drop a deuce onto her stupid face. The world needs to see the Local Yokels as the frauds they are.
BLAIRE MOISE: You have mentioned that before, but since they have won—-
JATT STARR: You know what? Just stop. The Mayor of ManJattan is starting to get a little annoyed at these questions.
BLAIRE MOISE: I’m doing my—-
JATT STARR: These questions are decidedly Anti-Jatt Starr. I get it, you have a personal beretta against me. That’s fine. Whatever.
BLAIRE MOISE: I do not have—-
JATT STARR: Look, I get it. I am not Mister Popularity. The fact is, people don’t appreciate the truth when they hear it. Fact – The Best Alliance was at it’s peak when it was being headed up by Jatt Starr and Max Kael. Fact – Every single group that has attempted to go toe-to-toe with the Best Alliance has FAILED. Fact – Sutler Kael looks like he works at an all male escort service called “The Night Chaps” or “The Johnson Factory”. Fact – The majority of the people in the HOW dislike the Saviour of Starrkham. Fact – I don’t really care. Do you think if Max Kael or I were the HOW Champion in the Best Alliance, we would compare careers with the enemy like a couple of dweebs? No. And yet, I am villainfied by everyone. Yeah, I get it! Jatt Starr is not someone who spikes a baby or blows up an abortion clinic or…or….slices somebody’s face off. It’s true that I don’t like a lot of the Best Alliance members or a lot their tactics, but Fact – The Jattlantic City Idol ALWAYS backs a winner and the Best Alliance always wins.
BLAIRE MOISE: What does—
JATT STARR: So, instead of you giving me crap through thinly veiled as “questions”—-
BLAIRE MOISE: I wasn’t—
JATT STARR: —-I am going to quote the nineties pop sensation “The Spice Girls”….”I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want” – I want Teddy Palmer or Lindsay Troy in the ring. They think they can come in here and urinate all over the Best Alliance and the legacy that people like me helped create as if they were some homeless guy in an alley trying to write his name on a wall with their pee? No sir-eee Bob! I want one of them, I don’t give a porcupine’s poop which, I want one of them in a match. But I don’t just want any old match….I want a Submission Match. In fact, I am going to call…no, TEXT Lee right now and beg him to make this happen.
The Starrcelona Icon pulls out his phone and starts to texting as he walks away leaving Blaire Moise to question is life choices as the scene cuts to Lindsay Troy doing something uninteresting.
The Son's Time To Shine
Backstage, the camera cuts to Brian Bare with a microphone in hand. A smiling Son of God, clad in a jacket that looks to be made of actual money, stands with the HOFC Championship over his shoulder and a gold “PRIZEFIGHTER” t-shirt underneath his obnoxious suit coat.
Brian Bare: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m joined tonight by the HOFC Champion and HOW Hall of Famer, Michael Lee Best. Michael, how are you feeling tonight after a hellacious bout with Brian Hollywood last week aboard the USS Octane?
The son of Lee Best is smiling from ear to ear, has he puts a disconcerting arm around Brian.
Mike Best: It certainly was a hellacious match, Brian Bare. A hellacious three rounds for Brian Hollywood, who I understand needed medical attention after that match.
Brian Bare: Well, he was assaulted by Arthur Pleasant in the wake of–
A single finger held to Bare’s lips, as though Michael is shushing a child.
Mike Best: Semantics, Brian. I promised a knockout in eleven minutes, and I delivered. One knee to the skull, and now it’s on to the next. So how am I feeling? I’m feeling great. I’m feeling energized. I’m feeling ready to do… it… again. Xenophobe Zoology, I hear you’re next up on the list. I’ll be honest, I was hoping for Steve Harrison– something new and fresh. But if you want your DeNucci Cup rematch? You’ve got it, but I’ll warn you right now that it’s gonna feel a lot more like an instant replay.
With a little wink to the camera, Michael hoists the title higher over his shoulder.
Brian Bare: I’m told that you’ll be running the day to day business in HOW, in the aftermath of a brutal attack on Lee Best last week at the hands of your mentor and former Group of Death partner, Dan Ryan. Do we have a status update on the health of your father at this time?
Mike Best: Lee Best is a resilient motherfucker. I’m not gonna speak much to what Dan did to my father last week– we all do what we have to do in this business. Lee knows the risks that he takes playing the games he plays, just like the rest of us do. He’s recovering, and that’s about all I’m going to say about it at this time.
Brian Bare: And your HOFC Championship match against Xander Azula? Isn’t it a conflict of interest for you to compete while running the day-to-day in HOW?
The Son of God rubs a hand against the back of his neck, a little faux sheepishly.
Mike Best: C’mon, Brian. I’m a trustworthy guy. A HOW Hall of Famer. The single greatest champion in HOW history. I could compete in that match in a heartbeat and keep it aside from my duties, you know that. But hey, I’m the guy who has been dunking on Fisher Price companies for letting their owners compete for years– I know that it’s all about the PERCEPTION. So that match with Xanthropod Hazelnut will be postponed until Lee returns. But in its place, we have a hell of a match lined up for next week. We’re still going to see HOFC action at Refueled.
Mike Best: Next week, the most anticipated rematch maybe of all time takes place live from the USS Octane. HOW Hall of Famer and Hardcore Artist Scottywood taking on maybe his greatest nemesis… Gino “The G-Train” Giordano. CHOO CHOO.
A blank stare from the interviewer, who looks hesitant.
Brian Bare: Surely, you can’t be serious.
Mike Best: I am, Brian. And don’t be a cunt. Gino has been training at SixTime Academy for over eight years now– four years ago, he graduated to senior trainer. This isn’t a joke fight, folks. Gino has wanted to get his hands on Scotty again for a long fucking time, and I know that Scotty wants that embarrassing blemish off his record. Next week, it won’t be a HOW interviewer fighting Scottywood in that cage– it’ll be a legit fucking fighter with an axe to grind and a grudge to settle. Don’t miss it.
With a finger gun to the camera, Michael glances back at Brian Bare.
Brian Bare: Fair enough. Finally, it was announced this week that your best friend and one of the most dominant Hall of Famers of this era, Cecilworth Farthington, returns to HOW tonight. It’s not a secret that everyone is choosing sides– does he go to the Best Alliance, or Grapplers 214? Are you excited to have your friend back with the company?
Mike Best: Truth is, I’m out of the loop on this one, Brian. Great to see him back home where he belongs, excited to find out what he’s going to do, same as you. We haven’t talked since he announced his return, so I’ll be watching along with everyone else. Whatever side he chooses, the other team had better watch their backs– that’s a guy I’ve never wanted to square off against. You’d better get back to work, Brian! I hear it’s your job to find him first, tonight.
Michael shrugs his shoulders, tousling Bare’s hair a little bit as he turns and walks away. Refueled cuts to commercial break.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but 750 words might kill you.
#3 Clay Byrd vs. #22 Darin Matthews *****
Joe Hoffman: Welcome back folks and our next match is about to get underway. We’ve got Best Alliance’s Clay Byrd facing off against Darin Matthews.
Benny Newell: Darin Matthews is a shit stain on society. The fucker always goes on and on about this and that and does anything but this and that..if you catch my drift.
Joe Hoffman: Regardless what you may think in this matter though, Benny, it’s clear Matthews has some soul searching to do. The man hasn’t had the greatest luck as of late, but he’s looking to turn that around tonight.
Benny Newell: Oh please Hoffstick, guys like Zion, Matthews, John Doe…whatever the fuck you wanna call him for the week, they never change. Darin is a fucking worthless waste on this roster. Our all mighty GOD of all things HOW is merely using him as cannon fodder. Nothing more, nothing less. So let’s just get on with this murderous event that is inevitably going to unfold upon our very eyes as the Best Alliance gets another win under the belt!
Joe Hoffman: I guess time will tell, Benny.
Meredith: Introducing the man ailing from The Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri. Tonight he weighs in at lean, mean 223 Pounds. He is the man know as the Pinnacle of Pro Wrestling, The Artiste of Atlantic City, The Messiah of Missouri Valley, your Tyrant of the Territories and your HEEEERO OF HIGH OCTANE: DAAAAAAAAAAAARIN MAAAAAAAAAAAATHEWS!!!! The lights dim as the opening chords to Icon for Hire’s “Cursed or Cured” queue up and blare over the arena speakers. Suddenly, a spotlight shines down on both Meredith and Darin Matthews. Decked out in his Gold Robe with Black Collar, Matthews takes a deep breath raising his arms in the air while Meredith hugs and gives him a kiss on the cheek. Matthews spins around and throws his robe off. Meredith collects his robe while Matthews charges towards the ring, handing out high fives along the way.
Benny Newell: Dear god…shoot me now.
Joe Hoffman: Darin knows he’s going to have to stay focused if he wants to pull off a win tonight. It’s pretty crucial for him that he does.
Matthews climbs up the top turnbuckle basking his glory, taken back by the loud cheers from the crowd tonight. He smirks before he flips off the top turnbuckle. He looks intently on waiting for his opponent to enter the ring.
Guitar and harmonica begin to blare through the arena, the start of “Gunning For You” by Nick Nolan sends a silence across the crowd as Nick Nolan’s lyrics echo through the arena. Red letters slash across the screen as “BYRD” is spelled out. Clay appears through fog on the entrance ramp, cowboy hat low over his eyes, a long black duster on and a rope in his hand. My Gun is loaded it’s getting time Two shots of whiskey i’m takin’ what’s mine Ain’t what you’re sayin it’s what you do Your time has come boy i’m Gunnin for You When hell is rainin down you’ll see my face won’t heara sound You’ll feel that bullet burnin through Take your last breath boy I’m Gunnin for You Clay begins his slow walk down the ramp.
Bryan McVay: And his opponent, from Plainview, Texas, he weighs in at 295 pounds, he is CLAAAAAAAAY BYRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!
His eyes are fixed on the ring, and he trudges on. Not paying any notice to any of the fans in attendance. There’s desperation deep in your eyes No turnin back now no compromise Cause only one of us walks out that door The other bleedin out on the floor Clay walks up the steps, and climbs into the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Clay Byrd has been a hard man to stop here in High Octane. We’ll see if Darin is truly up for the challenge.
Benny Newell: Oh please give me a fucking break hoffhole, the only challenge Darin can master so well is the art of swimming in a fucking sewer of shit. The man is practically at home there. This is all about the Best Alliance getting another win here and that’s exactly what’s going to happen!
Hortega checks both Matthews and Byrd and signals for the bell.
DING DING DING!
Matthews wastes no time as he’s already running at Byrd before the end of the last bell ring. Matthews takes Byrd by surprise as he connects with a spinning wheel kick that collapses Byrd in the corner turnbuckle. Matthews stays on Byrd before he initiates a series of mud stomps into the powerhouse of the Best Alliance. Matthews doesn’t let up, though, as Hortega is forced to start a five count on Matthews. He gets to four before Matthews finally backs off.
Joe Hoffman: Darin coming out on all cylinders here tonight!
Benny Newell: Meh. He’s just blowing his load right now. Won’t last much longer.
Matthews returns the assault on Byrd before grabbing Byrd and ricocheting him into the other far corner turnbuckle. Matthews charges at Byrd and connects with a clothesline but it doesn’t take the big man down. Matthews grabs Byrd again and launches him back into the first corner turnbuckle he was at and charges and connects with another clothesline. Byrd again doesn’t fall to the ground but Matthews grabs him and connects with a snap suplex that puts Byrd on his back. Matthews finally drops down and goes for a cover on him.
Joe Hoffman: Clay with the kick out! I’ve got to admit, Darin is coming out here with passion tonight! He really wants this win against Clay!
Benny Newell: The fucker doesn’t know what he wants. It changes on a weekly basis. Clay will get back to dominating here in a minute it’s only a matter of time!
Matthews drops a couple of elbows into Clay as he stays on him. Clay finally puts the defensive posture up as he slowly tries to acclimate himself with Darin’s high offensive prowse. Clay shoves Matthews backwards allowing him to get back to his feet. However, Matthews bounces off the ropes and comes back at Clay and hits a massive drop kick that sends Clay into the ropes. The impact of the ropes catches Clay as he bounces off them only to be met with a DDT that sends Byrd back down to the mat. Matthews levels Clay before sizing him up and going airborne as he connects on Clay.
Joe Hoffman: THE SIXTH STAR!!!
Benny Newell: NO FUCKING WAY!!
Matthews hooks the leg of Clay as he’s feeling it.
Benny Newell: THANK LEE!!!
Joe Hoffman: Matthews almost had Byrd right there but Clay is able to power out!
Matthews can’t believe it as he thought he had Byrd right there. Matthews shakes his head as he tries to keep himself composed knowing this match isn’t over yet. Matthews stomps into the face of Byrd repeatedly until Hortega again starts a five count that gets to four once again. Byrd gets to one knee as Matthews again ricochets off the ropes and goes for a running knee strike on Byrd but Byrd stops it! Byrd grabs Matthews by the throat and this causes Meredith to get up on the ring apron to try and distract Byrd but Matthews doesn’t see this as he kicks Byrd in the mid section and violently shoves Byrd off him as Byrd goes racing back first towards the ring ropes and ends up causing Meredith to get hit as she flies off the apron and crashes to the ground which Matthews does see and his reaction goes from a fiery look to a devastated look in seconds. Matthews doesn’t get a chance to exit the ring as Clay was coming off the ropes and ends up coming back at Matthews hitting a hard big boot straight to the face of Matthews that causes him to go straight down to the mat.
Joe Hoffman: I don’t think Matthews was prepared for that sequence of events that just happened.
Benny Newell: Serves him fucking right! That’s what happens when you’re reckless and out of control and I hope Matthews suffers from the miscue. Seems like this guy knows all about the art of miscue.
Now it is Clay Byrd in control and he is not amused. Clay stomps his own form of justice as he just unleashes hell on Matthews face with his boot with several stomps. Clay picks Matthews up and plants him into the canvas with a chokeslam. Byrd drops down and covers Matthews.
Joe Hoffman: Wait a minute, Byrd breaks up his own pinfall?! What the heck is he doing?!
Benny Newell: Sending a message hoffinator…sending a fucking message!
Byrd shakes his head as a slight smile crosses his face and he’s going to make Matthews pay for his insolence. Byrd grabs Matthews and chucks him airborne towards the ring as Matthews is throw like a frisbee across the ring. Matthews holds his back as he pulls himself up in the corner of the turnbuckle but by the time he’s back to his feet, he gets clamored by a stiff running elbow from Clay that causes Matthews to go limp. Clay grabs Matthews by the head and repeatedly starts thrusting it into the turnbuckle as Darin is defenseless to do anything about it. Clay picks up Matthews high in the air as he connects with a crucifix powerbomb that rocks Matthews world. Matthews again falls limp to the canvas and this just further solidifies the horrible turn this match has been for Matthews.
Joe Hoffman: I don’t think Matthews no longer thinks where he’s at here. The guys noggin has been rocked so much, I wouldn’t be surprised if it feels like swish cheese at this point.
Benny Newell: More like swift cheese hoffy. Byrd isn’t playing around anymore and I think he’s actually out to fucking kill Darin at this point.
Matthews moves around slowly and you can tell by the look in Matthews eyes he has no earthly idea where he’s at as he’s barely able to get to one knee. Byrd signals as he gives himself amble room before charging at Matthews and swings at Matthews hard.
Benny Newell: TEXAS LARIAT!!! Eat that, sucker!
The shear power of Byrd’s swing at Matthews causes his head to not only look like its come off but the move caused Matthews head to literally bounce off the canvas before lying stiff back on the canvas. Byrd drops down and covers the lifeless body of Matthews.
DING DING DING!
Bryan McVay: Here is your winner….CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY BYRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!!!!
Joe Hoffman: And just like that, Byrd powers his way to a statement win over Matthews.
Benny Newell: Like there was any doubt about that one.
Joe Hoffman: Well, in the beginning of this match up, Matthews seemed to have Byrd right where he wanted him. Matthews was focused and that was some laser focusing from him. However, I couldn’t help but to notice when Meredith tried to help Darin and then get taken out by the miscommunication, that’s where it looked like Darin just out right fell apart.
Benny Newell: Serves the fucker right!
Matthews is still lifeless in the ring as Byrd spits down on Matthews and celebrates his victory in the middle of the ring. He finally makes his way out of the ring as Meredith finally comes to on the outside of the ring only to find Matthews unresponsive in the ring. She starts to shout out loudly for medics as she gets in the ring trying to attend to Matthews. Medics finally make their way from the back as they enter the ring to attend to Matthews as Refueled pans backstage.
The Bare Minimum
Joe Hoffman: We’re heading backstage again to Brian Bare, who is on Cecilworth Watch this evening. Brian, any updates?
We cut the ace announcer Brian Bare pushing his earpiece back in as he stands at the backstage entrance door.
Brian Bare: I thought I saw him five minutes ago but it ended up being an oddly shaped plastic bag.
The live feed picks up the muttering on Benny Newell’s headset.
Benny Newell: Fucking useless, as always.
Bend The Knee
We cut to the backstage area right after the match we just witnessed. The camera pans around a bit until finding The King of Everything Jace Parker Davidson and Madison standing near a monitor watching how the show is unfolding. Madison claps her hands together and turns to JPD.
Madison: And that big dummy Zion loses yet another match.
JPD: It’s a good start for The Best Alliance. I got a feeling this is going to be our night. Then again there was no doubt that Clay was going to run all over Zion.
Madison: Just like there is no doubt you’re going to do the exact same thing to that Drag Queen, Lindsay Troy.
Before JPD can comment HOW Backstage Interviewer Brian Bare walks up to the two of them with a microphone in his hand.
Brian Bare: Speaking of Lindsay Troy…
JPD interrupts Bare by raising his right hand into the air.
JPD: Whoa, you damn creeper. You just waltz up to us, no introduction, hello, or anything and expect me to give you an interview?
Brian Bare: Well I know your match is coming up soon and you two were just talking about your opponent Lindsay Troy.
Madison: Hey asshole, do you know who you’re talking to?
Bare blinks and stares at Madison as if her question was confusing. After a moment of awkward silence Bare finally has his answer.
Brian Bare: I think it’s pretty obvious, he is JP…
JPD interrupts Bare once again by extending his index finger and pointing to his own bare chest.
JPD: Don’t speak to me like you know me or that we’re friends, you moron. I am The King of Everything, future HOW Hall of Famer, Jace Parker Davidson. I am wrestling royalty Bare, so address me as such.
Brian Bare: I’m afraid I don’t understand what you mean by that.
Madison: It means when you speak to The King, you bend the knee.
Brian Bare: But I…
JPD: Don’t act like your junkie ass hasn’t dropped to your knees before and done some unsavory acts for illegal narcotics.
Brian Bare: I really don’t…
JPD: Bare, don’t make me beat the living dog shit out of you like my name was Mike Best!
JPD balls his right hand into a fist as Bare begins to cower in fear of Jace making his threat a reality.
Brian Bare: Please, anything but that.
Jace points down to the concrete floor below them and Bare nods his head and takes a knee before the duo.
JPD: Much better, now you may ask me about Lindsay Troy.
Brian Bare: It seems like the match this week stems from the altercation the two of you had on last week’s show where pie faced her before the main event.
Bare raises the microphone up towards Jace.
JPD: This match was inevitable the moment I stepped foot back into High Octane Wrestling. She dares lay claim to being wrestling royalty and decides to go against Lee Best? She has sealed her own fate.
Madison: Not to mention she was so totally flirting with you last week!
Madison: Oh come on, you saw the way she was looking and smiling at you. The way she quietly whispered to herself ‘I’d like to see you try…’ as we walked by. She was definitely creaming her man panties over you.
Brian Bare: I hate to interrupt here but do you have any comment on the things said by Lindsay Troy this week?
JPD: Did Lindsay really say anything this week? All I recall is her having a couple of conversations with McAvay where he compares me to Mike Best and says I should be in the Hall of Fame. Well thank you Ray, thank you for stating the obvious. Now as far as your little threat goes? I’m not a hard man to find if you want to be a glutton for punishment.
Brian Bare: How do you feel about Lindsay asking Ray to have one of his girls watch her back out in the ring tonight because of Madison?
Madison jumps in front of Jace excited to answer Bare’s question.
Madison: It means that Lindsay Troy fears Madison!
Brian Bare: I don’t think…
Madison: Shut up! I’m like 5 foot 7 and I’m not even 130lbs soaking wet. That bitch has 8 inches and almost 80lbs on me and yet she’s scared of me! It’s safe to say she should fear me and if she thinks that other bitch, whatever name is…
Brian Bare: Her name is Barbie-Q.
Madison: What kind of fucking name is that? If she thinks this bitch named Pulled Pork is going to stop me then she obviously didn’t see what happened last week!
JPD: It boils down to this Bare, tonight Lindsay could bring the entire Local Grapplers 214 group down, Dan Ryan, or anyone else can dig up from her sordid past. It’s not going to stop me from bringing her down to her knees. Tonight the balance swings back in the direction of The Best Alliance. The head of the 214 group eats another defeat tonight and then it’s onto bigger, better things.
Jace and Madison turn around and walk off leaving Bare down on his knee as we head to a commercial break.
Can The King of Everything dethrone the Queen of the Ring?
So... That Just Happened
Cut backstage, where Blaire Moise waits patiently in front of a REFUELED banner, microphone in hand.
Blaire Moise: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m standing here with a new arrival to High Octane Wrestling, a man that has shown great enthusiasm despite stumbling a bit out of the gate. Of course, I’m talking about Les–
In a flash, HOW rookie Lester Moregrimes enters the screen, snatching the microphone out of Blaire’s hands. He stares at the interviewer with something like a cross between disbelief and annoyance.
Lester Moregrimes: Stumbled? Who’s stumbled, Blaire? Not me!
He hands the microphone back, but gets right into Moises’s personal space.
Blaire Moise: Of course I mean no disrespect, however, you’ve had two matches here in High Octane so far and you’ve lost both of them, that has to be discouraging at the start of your career. How do you plan to bounce back?
Lester Moregrimes: Those? Those weren’t losses. Look at Clay Byrd. He had control in that match for what, a minute? How’s that a win for him?
Brian Bare: The match itself was over in less than two min–
Lester Moregrimes: And Kael? The HR guy? He had me targeted from day one. If you think I’ve had a fair road so far, you’ve got another thing coming. But that’s okay, Blaire… that’s just fine. I’m not here to talk about the past, I’m here to talk about the future. My future, that is, as High Octane World Champion.
As in ‘Did he really just say that?’ type of pause.
The kind of pause where you have to collect the room’s opinions to make sure you didn’t mishear.
Blaire Moise: And… Okay, you’ve got a plan to become High Octane World Champion! Care to elaborate?
Lester Moregrimes: That’s easy. WAR GAMES.
Blaire Moise: War Games?
Lester Moregrimes: War Games. That’s all. I win War Games, I’m the Champion. So, lucky you, little lady! You get to break the news that I’m throwing my hat into the ring for this year’s War Games!
Blaire Moise: Typically you don’t throw your hat in, Mr. Moregrimes. Team captains select their partners–
Lester Moregrimes: And now they can select me!
Blaire Moise: …Well, I mean… I guess they can…
Lester Moregrimes: And they will. This is only the beginning, Blaire! I’m on the way to the top of this company, and you’ll be able to tell your kids you knew me from the start.
With that, Lester leaves the camera’s view, and Blaire Moise watches him for a few seconds before awkwardly looking into the camera itself.
Blaire Moise: Well, there you have it, everyone! Lester Moregrimes letting the world know that he is ready for War Games!
And she pauses again.
Blaire Moise: I guess… do with that knowledge what you will? Let’s get back to ringside!
#14 Lindsay Troy vs. NR Jace Parker Davidson
Joe Hoffman: Last week, the ‘Queen of the Ring’ Lindsay Troy and the returning ‘King of Everything’ Jace Parker Davidson had a little meet and greet backstage.
Last Week on Refueled LX
JPD: I hope you’ve told your boys to polish up those titles for us. Don’t want to look bad in my moment of glory tonight.
Lindsay Troy: I think you can look bad all on your own, Jace. (Her smile grows) Quite frankly, I don’t think the tag belts are going anywhere, so no need to get them prepped for you, or Solex, or anyone else really.
JPD: Well Lindz, I’ve beaten bigger and badder than you my dear. Now once I get rid of your boy McAvay I have no problem focusing on you and making sure HOW’s resident momma doesn’t make it to War Games either.
Jace looks Lindsay up and down before pie facing her away from him. He grabs Madison’s hand and they continue on their way.
Lindsay shakes the disrespect gesture off, laughing softly to herself as the King and his consort move further down the hall.
Benny Newell: Lindsay Troy disrespected JPD last week. No one talks to the King of Everything like that! She’s going to pay!
Joe Hoffman: Well, we will see about that Benny. It’s the ‘King of Everything’ versus ‘The Queen of the Ring’ coming up right now. Let’s to Bryan McVay in the ring.
Bryan McVay stands in the middle of the ring as the ominous, opening chords to “Put ‘Em in the Grave” by Jedi Mind Tricks blasts through the speakers.
Bryan McVay: Our next match will be one fall. Introducing first, from Tampa, Florida. Representing Grappler’s Local 214. She is the QUEEN OF THE RING- LIND-SAYYYYY… TROYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
A raucous ovation from the High Octane Faithful heralds the Queen of the Ring to the stage.
Once the first verse kicks in, Lindsay Troy strolls out amidst a shower of pyro and cannon blasts followed by Barbie-Q, Ray McAvay’s valet.
Joe Hoffman: Barbie-Q comes out with Lindsay Troy tonight.
Benny Newell: Good. Barbie-Q got to watch Jace Parker Davidson make Ray McAvay bend the knee last week.
Joe Hoffman: Yes, Davidson attacked McAvay right after Ray had just pinned Steve Solex to help Grappler’s Local 214 retain the tag titles.
Benny Newell: No-no-no. JPD said he’d make McAvay bow down to the king and that’s exactly what fucking happened. This week, Barbie-Q gets to watch Lindsay Troy do the same thing.
Troy doesn’t pause to preen or rile up the crowd. Instead, she marches down the ramp to the ring, blowing right by the camera in the aisle, looking focused. Barbie-Q walks a few steps behind her.
Spotlights follow LT’s path as she makes her way up the steps, foregoing her usual jump to the apron and flip into the ring. She slips between the ropes, and saunters over to a corner to scale the turnbuckles and pose a bit before the match begins.
Then the lights in the arena dim as the HOV begins to light up.
The words “The King has Returned.” echo throughout the building.
The crowd stands on its feet as smoke begins to build on stage and the sound of “Kingdom” by Jaxson Gamble blares over the public address system.
A spotlight shines on stage. The crowd gives a mixed reaction as through the smoke appears Jace Parker Davidson along with Madison by his side.
Bryan McVay: And her opponent. From Miami, Florida and accompanied by Madison. Representing the BEST ALLIANCE! He is THE KING OF EVERYTHING! JACE! PARKER! DAAAAAAAAVVIDSOOOOOOON!
Jace looks out at the crowd and soaks in the reception before locking arms with Madison and the two make their way down the ramp slowly as fans reach over the barricade trying to touch the duo.
Madison takes her place at ringside by Benny as Jace slides under the bottom rope to enter the ring.
Jace pops to his feet and makes his way over to the nearest corner and climbs the turnbuckle to pose for the crowd. Hopping down Jace goes to his corner and begins to stretch before the match starts.
Joe Hoffman: Davidson and Troy had a little backstage drama last week.
Benny Newell: A King always trumps a Queen Hoffhole. JPD said it himself this week.
Matt Boettcher checks both competitors.
Joe Hoffman: We’re about to find out if that’s true. It’s King versus Queen. Best Alliance versus Grappler’s Local 214…
Boettcher calls for the bell.
Joe Hoffman: …and this match is underway.
JPD and Troy approach each other. Lock up. JPD steps back and punches Troy in the head. She whirls around and nails JPD with a backfist.
Benny Newell: What the fuck? She can’t do that to a King!
Troy launches herself forward and Lou Thesz presses JPD. She tries to throttle Davidson’s neck – JPD rolls her over and rains down punches – LT headbutts Davidson in the nose and throws him off. She tries to stomp him but Davidson rolls out of danger and kips up.
Big staredown between the two follows.
Joe Hoffman: Troy’s game plan seems to be to take the fight right to JPD tonight.
Benny Newell: She can try but she’ll be playing right into Jace Parker Davidson’s hands.
Davidson rubs his nose and then both slowly circle again. JPD rushes in – LT sidesteps and sends him for the ride – backdrop sends Davidson high into the air and he lands hard on the canvas. Troy up top on the corner turnbuckle – Spanish fly off the top rope. She hooks the leg.
TW- Jace kicks out and rolls out to the floor.
Joe Hoffman: Jace Parker Davidson to the outside to regroup.
But Troy follows and drives a forearm to his back- JPD stumbles towards the barricade. She whips JPD into the steel barrier.
Behind LT, Madison grabs a chair – Barbie-Q sees and reacts. Madison goes to swing the chair – Barbie-Q rips the chair away from her. Madison shouts back at her and in the ensuing confusion, JPD kicks Troy’s feet out from under her and rolls back into the ring.
Joe Hoffman: That’s probably the reason Barbie-Q came out with Lindsay Troy. To keep an eye on Madison.
Benny Newell: That’s blatant outside interference and Lindsay Troy should be disqualified.
Joe Hoffman: Because Madison hitting her with a chair is within the rules?
Benny Newell: Not true. She was merely helping a fan out by finding a chair for him to sit on.
Yeah, Joe’s not buying that.
Joe Hoffman: Okay. Both back in the ring now.
Troy goes forward…jumping DDT sends JPD head first to the canvas. He covers his head to protect the neck as LT drops a leg across it. And then a second. And a third. Troy hooks JPD for the cover.
JPD kicks out and rakes the eyes. He moves in now – belly to back suplex with a bridge.
TWO… Troy kicks out.
JPD lands an uppercut that drives Troy to the ropes. He rushes forward and sends Troy over the top rope.
Joe Hoffman: Clothesline sends Lindsay Troy to the floor.
Benny Newell: Go get her Jace!
JPD to the top turnbuckle. Moonsault press and he lands right on Troy.
Madison lurks close by. Barbie-Q moves into position and casts a wary eye at her. JPD throws Troy back into the ring.
He rakes his fingers across Troy’s back. JPD looks for a slam – Troy blocks and bulldogs JPD face first to the mat. She tries to go for a Cobra Clutch – JPD rolls away – grabs her hand – and pulls her down. He unloads rights and lefts and climbs up to the top rope again.
JPD takes a little too much time though – Troy jumps up before he takes flight and launches him the hard way off the rope to the floor. JPD clutches his neck – Troy swoops in for the Cobra Clutch again – she slaps it on but Davidson frantically claws away from her and grabs the bottom rope.
Boettcher calls for a break.
Madison jumps onto the ring apron and berates the referee.
Joe Hoffman: What is her problem?
Benny Newell: She’s got a valid point. Lindsay Troy is getting away with deliberately targeting Jace Parker Davidson’s neck.
Joe Hoffman: She’s trying to distract the referee.
Benny Newell: No she’s not.
Madison wildly gestures on the apron while she yells at Matt Boettcher.
Benny Newell: She’s just having a civil discussion with Matt about the proper application of the wrestling rules.
Hoffman rolls his eyes.
Joe Hoffman: Just drink already Benny.
Benny Newell: I can do that.
In the chaos, JPD shoves Troy into the corner. He follows and jumps – drives his knees into LT’s back – JPD pulls her backwards and down to the mat.
Joe Hoffman: LUNGBLOWER!
Benny Newell: WHAT A MOVE! DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: Davidson scrambles on top of Troy for the pin!
Joe Hoffman: NO! Troy kicks out!
Davidson pushes on to make another cover.
Joe Hoffman: NO! AGAIN, LINDSAY TROY KICKS OUT!
Benny Newell: Count faster Bittcher!
The fans rally up as LT again survives. JPD drags Troy up, scoops her and slams her to the mat. He goes top rope again.
He hits knees!
Joe Hoffman: Lindsay Troy got her knees up in time!
Benny Newell: Dammit, I said count faster Bittcher!
Joe Hoffman: Benny, there was no pinfall on that… oh never mind. Have another drink.
Benny Newell: DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: Troy gets back to her feet and the fans are out of their seats.
Right hand by JPD – LT ducks – Davidson steps back – SUPERKICK…NO! Troy drops down and sweeps Davidson’s legs out. She tries to tuck JPD’s arms under her armpit but Davidson thrashes about to escape.
Joe Hoffman: Troy possibly going for a Muta Lock there.
Benny Newell: JPD is too smart to get caught in-
Joe Hoffman: MUTA LOCK!
Benny Newell: WHAT?
Joe Hoffman: Troy rolls into a bridge for a Chickenwing Muta Lock.
For just a brief moment. JPD gets his foot up on the bottom rope and Boettcher calls for a break.
Joe Hoffman: Davidson had the presence of mind to realize he was right by the ropes and stuck his foot up to force a rope break.
Benny Newell: That’s why he’s the King of Everything, Hoffhole! That’s why he’s in the Best Alliance!
Troy drags him back up.
Joe Hoffman: Knife-edged chop by Troy!
And a third.
How about four? Nope. Boot to the gut by JPD stops that and he sets for a neckbreaker – LT sticks a leg in between his legs though…
Joe Hoffman: SMALL PACKAGE ROLL UP!
Benny Newell: NOOOOOO!
Troy reverses back.
Joe Hoffman: He got the shoulder up.
LT pulls Davidson up and whips him into the corner. She rushes in – flying double-knee strike to the face!
Joe Hoffman: QUEEN’S GAMBIT!
But Jace slid down to a seated position in the corner and deflected some of the force of the blow.
Benny Newell: COME ON JACE!
Troy pulls him up. She goes to trap JPD’s free leg to execute her finisher – Jace knees to the gut – side headlock – double chickenwing – lift – LT’s driven to the mat.
Joe Hoffman: UNSCRIPTED VIOLENCE!
JPD hooks the leg.
Benny Newell: BEST ALLIANCE WINS! BEST ALLIANCE WINS!
Bryan McVay: Your winner at eleven minutes and twenty seconds. The KING OF EVERYTHING! JACE! PARKER! DAAAAAAAAVVIDSOOOOOOON!
Benny Newell: BEST ALLIANCE WINS! BEST ALLIANCE WINS!
Joe Hoffman: Jace Parker Davidson did his homework and countered Lindsay Troy’s Thy Kingdom Come finisher right into his finisher to pick up his first win in HOW since 2016!
Benny Newell: BEST ALLIANCE WINS! DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: Wait a minute! Madison’s in the ring with a lead pipe!
Benny Newell: You go girl! DRINK!
While Bryan McVay raised Jace’s arm in victory, Madison slipped into the ring with the same lead pipe she used while ‘searching’ for LT earlier in the week.
She goes up to the downed Troy and raises the pipe.
But before Madison can strike, Barbie-Q flies into the ring and spears her. The pipe flies out of her hand and Madison ends up tumbling out of the ring.
JPD realizes what’s happening and whips around. Before Barbie can get back to her feet, he lifts his boot and drives her head to the mat.
Joe Hoffman: BEND THE KNEE!
Benny Newell: YEAH! THAT’LL TEACH HER TO-
The crowd roars.
Joe Hoffman: HOLD ON!
Ray McAvay runs in with a steel folding chair…
…and nails JPD with a chair shot right across the back.
Benny Newell: What the fuck?
Joe Hoffman: RAY McAVAY’S IN THE RING!
Davidson drops to a knee.
Benny Newell: NO!
Joe Hoffman: And again.
The third chair shot leaves Jace down on the mat.
Benny Newell: HE CAN’T DO THAT!
McAvay looks down at JPD on the mat. He waves Bryan McVay over and takes the microphone.
Ray McAvay: I told you Jace. You hit me.
He drops the chair on the mat.
Ray McAvay: I hit you right back. I think we’re even now.
He goes over and helps up Lindsay Troy as we head elsewhere.
Put Me In, Coach
We cut to the backstage area where Blaire Moise is waiting with a microphone in hand.
Blaire Moise: Ladies and gentlemen? Arthur Pleasant.
The audience clearly is not a fan of having to see Arthur Pleasant’s face again upon seeing him come into view on the big ole HOV.
Arthur Pleasant: Well you’re just cute as a button, aren’t you?
Blaire Moise: Um, don’t even st-
Arthur Pleasant: Oh, no, no, NO! Don’t get the wrong idea! I would never try to flirt with you. I mean for starters, you’re a little plain looking for my tastes. Not ugly, but… you dress like someone who secretly wants to receive as many dick pics as possible only to bitch and complain about it to hear their own voice. I meant cute facetiously, actually. Sorry to mislead you, darling.
Blaire, like most who come into contact with Arthur Pleasant, isn’t quite sure what to make of him. What’s clear, however, is her uncomfortable demeanor just being in the same vicinity of him.
Arthur Pleasant: Also, make sure you introduce my friend, my bodyguard, my pal of pals, Yuri Reznokov. Be quick about it, though. There’s actually a point I’d like to get across here. Heh.
Blaire Moise looks up at the intimidating presence of Yuri as his near seven-foot frame finally comes into the camera’s view.
Blaire Moise: Um, how rude of me. Ladies and gentlemen… Yuri.
Arthur snickers as he can hear the reaction coming from the Las Vegas crowd, even from the backstage area of the T-Mobile Arena.
Arthur Pleasant: That’s better.
After a brief pause, Blaire speaks.
Blaire Moise: Arthur, a lot of people are noticing how you gave Dan Ryan, a bona fide legend in this business, one hell of a fight. Something that, let’s be honest here, not many can actually do. With that in mind, you did come up short in the match. So now the question on everybody’s mind is this: now that you have been beaten in a High Octane Wrestling ring… what’s next for The Provocateur?
Arthur Pleasant: First of all, Blanche Moist…
Blaire rolls her eyes. Arthur grins ear to ear.
Arthur Pleasant: I want to give this Daniel Ryan kid some much needed credit for our tickle fight earlier. That bright, young, slightly out of shape hoss of a man is going places to be able to bring it to me like he did! Ooooooweeee!! If he keeps his nose clean and continues to put on performances like that? Sheeeeyit. I’m sure he’ll be over with these High Octanian DIP SHITS out there in la-la land in no time! Do the work, boy, and you’ll surely find some success in this great sport of ours!
“BOOOOOOOOO!!!” the HOW faithful react upon seeing him on the
Joe Hoffman[in a light-tone from the booth so as to not cut into Blaire or Arthur’s interview]: Is… he serious right now? Did Dan Ryan drill him a little too hard in the head earlier?
Benny Newell[also in a light-tone from the booth so as to not cut into Blaire or Arthur’s interview]: Dan Ryan won his first of like a bazillion World Titles when Arthur was still in diapers. But yeah, I think Arthur is totally serious. You actually gotta admire that a little bit! Hahaha. What a fucking whack-a-doo!
Arthur pauses for a few moments and rubs the back of his neck from where he got blasted from Dan Ryan and his “Hammer of God” earlier.
Arthur Pleasant: Oooo but I had you all worried though, didn’t I? Hehehehe. Giving Daniel the fight of his fucking life. Almost crushing the hopes and dreams of this towering young upstart. [Stifling a laugh] But hey, bully for Bubba Bitchtits. Because guess what? I may not have won the battle tonight…
Arthur Pleasant:…but I am more than capable of winning the fucking war. And THAT’s what I really want to talk about, Blanche.
Laughing, he looks directly at the camera.
Arthur Pleasant: I don’t know how this really works around here… and nor do I really care. But here’s the fucking deal: I was signed to HOW for a goddamn REASON, Blanche. And that REASON is due to the uniqueness of my brand of violence… my brand of chaos… and my fucking BRAND altogether. There’s no coincidence that a deal was worked out between Lee Best and myself just in time for the new “Road To” after March To Glory. Because THIS “Road To” leads back to the most dangerous fucking match this, or any company for that matter, has EVER seen.
The crowd listens intently to Arthur. You can tell there’s a buzz in the air about where Arthur’s going with this. As she holds the microphone to Arthur with such journalistic precision (not too close, not too far), Blair interjects.
Blaire Moise: Wait, just so that we’re clear here… are you talking about WAR GAMES?!
There’s that opportunity for a pop that the crowd was looking for.
Arthur Pleasant: Correctomundo, Blanche! You see, The Provocateur is precisely what this place needs to jump start its otherwise flatlining heart. So… here’s what’s what. I’m gonna go ahead and play the role of the interloper here and just cut in line. I’m not going to take a number and, gosh darn it, keep my fingers crossed that my name will be called to a team. Nope. I’m not a punchline for an easy win or an easy target for someone to base shitty metaphors off of. I’m no fucking Bobby Dean or Brian Hollywood. I’m going to butt in and piss off a bunch of noisy little sheep and do what it is I was signed to do. You want somebody to help you win this motherfucking war? You want someone to help you win goddamn WAR GAMES?!
With Yuri by his side, Pleasant’s smile fades as quickly as it materialized.
Arthur Pleasant: Then do the smart thing and put me the fuck in. Because if you don’t? I don’t mean to make this sound like some sort of threat or anything, but… things will get very messy and very uncomfortable around here… VERY fast.
Arthur Pleasant: You’ve been warned. Now do what’s… BEST for HOW… and put me in, coach.
Arthur looks at Blaire up and down.
Arthur Pleasant: Ta-ta for now, my darling. Let’s go, Yuri.
Arthur walks off camera, but Yuri seems to be fixated on Blaire.
Blaire Moise: Well th-there you have it. Arthur Pleasant, everybody. Joe, back to you.
[off-camera]Arthur Pleasant: Psst. Yuri, let’s GO!
Yuri nods and finally follows his employer away from the interview area.
Joe Hoffman: So, it sounds like Arthur wants in on this WAR GAMES craziness. And it also sounds like he wants in on the Best Alliance side of things.
Benny Newell: Of course, Joe! Who WOULDN’T want to be fighting for the Best Alliance at War Games? You’d have to be a certifiable fucking idiot to want to join Local Grapplers 214.
Bare-ly An Update
Joe Hoffman: We were due to cut to a segment from Hughie Freeman’s journey to the LSD title but I hear that Brian Bare has some breaking news. Brian, are you there?
Brian stands staring into the camera with a blank expression on his face.
Joe Hoffman: Brian, you asked us to cut to you, what have you got?
The camera catches Brian licking the top of his HOW 97 Red interview microphone as he continues to look pretty vacant.
Benny Newell: Fucking hell.
Joe Hoffman: It seems that we’re having some technical issues folks, apologies to Hughie Freeman.
Benny Newell: Technicality issues.
The camera cuts away from Brian Bare as he starts to roll his index finger around his nose. We cut back to the ring, just in time for the LSD Championship match to begin.
#1 Teddy Palmer vs. #7 Hughie Freeman
Refueled comes back from commercial with the strains of “Sweet Caroline” fading out and Hughie Freeman already in the ring, stretching out and ignoring the booing HOW fans.
Joe Hoffman: Folks we are back and ready for the LSD Title match. Best Alliance member Hughie Freeman is all ready to go and–
Benny Newell: –and ready to be the first one to bring gold back to the Best Alliance tonight, Hoffhole! This fuckin’ fraud Teddy SoftHands doesn’t stand a chance against the man with the iron fist, Hughie Fuckin’ Freeman! DRINK!
“Hold Up a Light” by Thrice cues up and Teddy Palmer steps out from the back amidst waves of cheers. He’d normally stop on the stage and play to the crowd a bit, but he’s in no mood tonight. Instead, he storms to the ring, LSD title over his shoulder.
Brian McVay: Coming to the ring, from Toronto, Ontario, Canada! Weighing in at two hundred thirty-fiv…
Teddy doesn’t even let Brian finish his intro, because he’s sliding under the bottom rope and tossing the LSD title to the ring announcer.
Benny Newell: What the fuck is this degenerate doing?!
Joe Hoffman: I don’t know, Benny, but … whoa, look out!
McVay manages to catch the belt and still hang onto the microphone, but he needs to quickly dart out of the way because Palmer’s running full-tilt toward the Taxman. He leaps through the air and crashes into Hughie with a stiff running single high knee before Freeman can figure out what hit him!
Joe Hoffman: Last Call! Last Call from Teddy Palmer!
Benny Newell: Disqualify him, Joe, that move was before the bell!
Joe Hoffman: LSD Rules, Benny, you know as well as I do that anything goes!
Benny Newell: Fuck that shit, raise Lee from the dead and strip Palmer of the belt right now!
Hughie hits the deck and Teddy’s on him immediately, raining down hard hammerfists to the Pikey. Joel Hortega calls for the bell to start the match but that just makes Teddy wail away even harder. Hughie tries to cover up, but Teddy smacks his hands away, and bashes him in the face with a headbutt.
Joe Hoffman: And Teddy with a hard blow right there. Hughie is busted wide open.
Benny Newell: Where the hell is the rest of the BA to put a stop to this?!
Palmer looks like he’s had enough, finally standing up and ripping Hughie off the canvas and hoisting him into the air from a pumphandle position. He glares toward the back, almost daring anyone from the Best Alliance to come out, and then – with a look of absolute malice – he spikes him back to the ground, right on his head.
Joe Hoffman: UnscripTED! Pumphandle Death Valley Driver! Hortega in position!
Benny Newell: Are you fucking kidding me?
DING DING DING!
Bryan McVay: The winner of this match, in 3 minutes and 16 seconds, and STILL! LSD champion…TEDDY PALMER!
“Hold Up a Light” begins to play as Teddy is handed back the LSD title. He holds it over his head while glaring down at an unmoving Hughie Freeman, then projects a huge wad of phlegm onto the Pikey’s face before exiting the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Well that was a decisive victory if I’ve ever seen one.
Benny Newell: That was a load of HORSESHIT.
Joe Hoffman: While Benny fumes, let’s go ahead and take it backstage.
The Real Best Team
The camera pans all the way up to Section 214 at the top level of the T-Mobile Arena.
Ray McAvay is seated in the middle of the section along with Barbie-Q, still a little dazed after her encounter with Jace Parker Davidson earlier in the night.
Ray McAvay: Congratulations Teddy Palmer on the win and retaining the LSD title!
The fans around him start cheering. McAvay pauses for a few seconds before he continues.
Ray McAvay: And Lindsay Troy battled valiantly against Jace Parker Davidson in a real close match and just came up a little short. Now coming up is the third Grappler’s Local 214 versus the Best Alliance match of the night. That’s right, in just a few minutes, Conor Fuse and I will defend the HOW Tag Team titles against Cancer Jiles and Steve Harrison. Last week, Lee thought JPD and Solex would take care of business against Zeb Martin and me and bring the title back to the Best Alliance.
Ray McAvay: Lee was wrong. So tonight, Lee decided to send me out to battle again, this time with Conor Fuse, to defend the HOW Tag Team title on behalf of Lindsay Troy and Teddy Palmer against Steve Harrison and HOW World Champion Cancer Jiles. Lee didn’t think I’d walk through the door ready to go. He didn’t think I was ready for a fight; he didn’t think I had the stomach for a fight. Lee thought I’d come in, play all the old hits and go through the motions, wrestle a few matches, collect the easy cash for my efforts, and return to my day job.
He shakes his head.
Ray McAvay: What Lee didn’t count on, was me remembering just how much I loved the adrenaline rush of being in the middle of a heated battle. He didn’t count on the fire rekindling or that in the heat of a match with a cold blooded killer in JPD and the oiled up, Magic Mike-wanna be Steve Solex that I would remember everything I used to love about wrestling. He sure didn’t count on me pinning Solex last week.
More cheers from Section 214.
Ray McAvay: I guess now I’ll have to prove him wrong again. I may not have the talent and wrestling ability of Jace Parker Davidson or most of the wrestlers in this company for that matter, but even after being on the shelf for two years, I still have something many of them don’t have- heart, a commitment to purpose, and the ability to will myself to rise to the occasion. Harrison… Jiles. At least Grappler’s Local 214 look the part.
Ray McAvay: We look like a team. We act like a team. Why?
Ray McAvay: Because we are a team. We’re not the Best Alliance. I dare say we are the… the best team.
Cool Story, Bro
The HOTv flickers to life as the bright face of Sutler Reynolds-Kael appears before it, his black hair cut with #97Red streaks shrouding half of his face in spoopy mystery. A smirk crosses his boyish face as we slowly zoom out to show that he is seated on top of Lee’s desk, the Boss presently away.
A black and white jacket with hot pink highlights sits over a shirt that has Lee’s face on it with the words “God Save The Lee” written over his eyes while Sutler Kael is written over his mouth. A book is cradled in his lap while the office appears otherwise abandoned for any other people.
Sutler Reynolds-Kael: It’s your President of Human Resources, Sutler Reynolds-Kael, the World’s Greatest Gamer and Son of Scions here! Now I know this week you were all disappointed to know that I wasn’t booked but rest assured just because I’m not down there in that ring in front of you, it doesn’t mean that I’m not here in spirit.
A low rumble of boos fills the arena as Sutler bats his eyes at the camera, his smug expression deepening.
Sutler Reynolds-Kael: Sadly today I am not here specifically to address all of you but rather I am here to address just one man. Well, not really man, I’m here to address a kid who thinks he’s a man. Some kind of.. Mega Man. The tool I’m talking about is that insufferable little prick, Conor Fuse.
At the mention of Conor Fuse’s name the audience refuses course and begins to cheer, even more so in an attempt to drown out the much maligned and unliked Sutler Reynolds-Kael.
Sutler Reynolds-Kael: Unfortunately I can not communicate with Conor Fuse man to man because, as I said earlier, he’s a child. Ironically years spent playing video games have rotted his mind, video games that he’s sadly not even good at. So, Conor, I decided to put aside my wrestling boots for a week and school you in a manner that I think you’ll finally be able to understand..
Holding up the book toward the camera the title of “Conor Fuse Is Gonna Lose! A Magical Pop-Up Adventure For Ages 0-Scottywood!”. He opens it up to the first page where a cartoonish version of Conor Fuse pops up though he looks malnourished, covered in pimples and generally unpleasant in appearance.
Sutler Reynolds-Kael: Conor Fuse is Gonna Lose, he never had a chance. He makes me want to drink booze, from a guy named Lance.
The rhyme doesn’t make much sense but he says it with enough confidence that it appears to make sense, at least to him. He turns the page as a pop-up of Conor crying while wearing a diaper can be seen. When Sutler pulls down the tab Conor’s eyes open and close with tears splashing out of them.
Sutler Reynolds-Kael: Conor Fuse is Baby, he’s always gonna cry. Be blaming Refs when maybe, blaming himself he should try.
Another turn of the page sees a very handsome and muscular Sutler Reynolds-Kael standing over the cartoonish, ugly Conor Fuse with X’s over his eyes. Pulling a tab causes the crowd in the background to do the Wave.
Sulter Reynolds-Kael: Conor Fuse is Big Poo, this fact is always true. Sutler-Reynolds Kael knew, Fuse is a big ol’ Foo’.
He slams the book shut.
Sutler Reynolds-Kael: Incase the words were too big for you, Conor, eat shit and die buddy! Sutler….. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Before he can finish the HOTv cuts out as we return ringside.
We’re gonna sell a lot of this fucking t-shirt.
The Best Alliance vs. Grapplers Local 214
As we come back from commercial we see the two men of Grapplers Local 214 defending the Tag titles, Ray McAvay and Conor Fuse, already in the ring while the Hall of Fame team is ready for the Main Event of the evening.
Joe Hoffman: Welcome back ladies and gentlemen and what a night it’s been so far.
Benny Newell: Damn right Hoffman. Tonight has not disappointed and we are about to see the Best Alliance do what it does best!
Joe Hoffman: For those wondering why the Tag champions are already in the ring, Lee didn’t allow Grapplers to have the champion’s entrance and forced them to come out on the commercial break just like last show.
Benny Newell: Lee is telling them to fuck off and they aren’t worthy of a champions entrance because we know the only champions around here are in the Best Alliance.
Joe Hoffman: The belts around their waists says otherwise.
Benny Newell: Shut the fuck up!
the lights in the arena go out. After a few moments the HOV comes on but it is showing nothing but static and a shadowy image. As the image becomes clearer we see the bloody eyes of GOD.
Screams throughout the arena as the familiar tune of the Best Alliance begins to play as 97 Red colored lights and laser come on and shoot around the arena and the High Octane Vision has images of the Best Alliance member doing what they do best and that’s dominating and winning championships. As the lights slowly come back on we see Steve Harrison standing at the top of the ramp as pyro begins to waterfall behind them.
Joe Hoffman: Where’s Jiles?
The lights dim. The arena quiets. A chill moves through the air… “I am the COOL” explodes over the speakers.
~I’m the one your mama warned you about
~When you see me, I will leave you no doubt
~I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth
~I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth
~I AM THE COOL.
Out from behind the curtain, after a second or two of suspense, The Crown Prince of COOL, Cancer Jiles emerges. Shades on, hair on point, he pauses at the top of ramp and basks in the glorious affection of his precious OctaBandits. After having his fill, Jiles confidently makes his way down to the ring as Harrison shakes his head.
Benny Newell: There he is Hoffman, getting a champions entrance.
Harrison hops onto the apron while Jiles slides underneath and the turnbuckles explode as more pyro goes off.
Benny Newell: THE CHAMP IS HERE HOFFMAN!!!!! And Steve Harrison too.
With all the combatants present and accounted for it’s off to Brian McVay.
Bryan McVay: Introducing first, the champions, representing the Grapplers Local 214 weighing in at a combined weight of 435 lbs….they are THE REIGNING! DEFENDING! UNDISPUTED! HOW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WOOOOOORLD! RAY! MAAAAAAAACCCCCAAAAAVAAAAAYYYY! AND CONOR! FUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE!
The tag champions hold their titles high into the air to a thunderous ovation.
Bryan McVay: And their opponents, representing the Best Alliance, weighing in at a combined weight of 474 lbs…. THE MIRACLE MAN! STEVE! HAAAAAARRRRIIIISSSSOOOOOON! AND THE HIGH OCTANE WRESTLING WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! THE GOD OF COOL! THE EPITOMY OF COOLNESS! COOLNESS PERSONIFIED! THE GREEK GOD ZEUS WAS SO JEALOUS OF HIM HE SUED HIM FOR GIMMICK INFRIDGEMENT! COOL! CANCER! JILES!
Jiles golf claps himself as he hands over his world title.
Matt Boettcher holds up the titles for the world to see before folding them up and calling for the bell.
Joe Hoffman: And here we go with our MAIN EVENT of the evening!
McAvay and Harrison start it off for their respective teams and as they circle
Joe Hoffman: McAvay made an impressive return to the ring as he was able to defeat Steve Solex and retain the tag titles.
Benny Newell: He fucking cheated Hoffman.
Joe Hoffman: I thought you liked McAvay?
Benny Newell: Is he Best Alliance?
Joe Hoffman: No.
Benny Newell: Did he bring out titties here to shake in my face?
Joe Hoffman: No.
Benny Newell: Then he sucks ass Hoffman.
McAvay goes to lock up, but Harrison ducks the attempt and Harrison doubles over Ray with a left hand to the abdomen before double legging him chest first to the canvas. Harrison rolls on top of Ray’s back before locking in a side headlock.
Joe Hoffman: McAvay continues to look sluggish a little bit as he isn’t as fast as we last saw him.
Benny Newell: What did you expect Hoffman? He has been sitting behind a desk in Georgia Valley Wrestling for five years…
Joe Hoffman: Missouri.
Benny Newell: What?
Joe Hoffman: Missouri Valley Wrestling.
Benny Newell: What-the-fuck-ever Hoffman. Point is, he’s been sitting his fat ass in a chair and he’s been getting slow. The only people who sit behind desks and don’t get slow is the GOD of HOW! His reflexes are like a fucking cat.
Joe Hoffman: He wasn’t very cat like when Dan Ryan drove him through the table.
Benny Newell: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You got fucking jokes tonight Hoffman. Lee didn’t bottomline Harrison cause I’m sure he’ll be saving it for you when he hears your little comment.
Joe Hoffman: Back to the action.
Harrison continues to grind in that headlock, but McAvay is able to swing his hips and pin Harrison’s shoulders to the mat.
Harrison rolls back to his side maintaining the headlock.
Joe Hoffman: Ray almost surprised Harrison there.
Benny Newell: The only thing surprising is if you make it to the next show with both eyes.
McAvay tries to reach the bottom rope with his legs, but he isn’t close enough so he swings his hips once again and Harrison allows him as he begins to claw at the eyes drawing the count of the official.
Harrison rakes the eyes of the Texan before the count of five and McAvay is rolling on the canvas holding his eyes. Harrison jumps up and delivers a double stomp to the chest of McAvay driving out all of his air.
Joe Hoffman: McAvay is still trying to shed the rust and Harrison is showing what happens when you take five years off of actively competing as he manhandles the former World champion.
Benny Newell: He was a champion of five years ago Hoffman and the competition has gotten better.
Harrison goes over and tags Jiles who looks surprised by the tag, but comes into the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Is he going to take off his sunglasses.
Benny Newell: I heard they are glued to his face and if he takes them off he will kill anyone who looks at him with a COOLness ray.
Jiles goes over and begins to stomp away on McAvay before stomping and tagging Harrison back in who doesn’t look happy coming in so soon.
Joe Hoffman: It’s no secret these two gentlemen don’t get along. It goes all the way back to DREAM Wres…..
Benny Newell: Shhhhhhhhhhh!
Joe Hoffman: What now?!?!?!?
Benny Newell: We don’t mention UTAH DREAMS or some guy will pop up asking to do chilly willies.
As Harrison slow turns his attention back to McAvay he sees the Texan has almost made it to his corner to a waiting Conor Fuse and the Miracle Man rushes over there.
Joe Hoffman: Harrison is running towards McAvay. Will he prevent the tag in time?
Harrison and McAvay jump at the same time, but McAvay is able to hit Fuse’s hand before the elbow hits Ray’s back.
Benny Newell: FUCK!
Conor somersaults in as Harrison gets to all fours.
Joe Hoffman: Sunset Flip!
Benny Newell: Tequila Sunrise! DRINK!
Harrison pops the shoulder up in time.
Harrison scrambles to his feet, but the fresher Conor is ready for him.
Joe Hoffman: Jumping clothesline!
Benny Newell: Get up Harrison!
As if on command, Harrison pops back up only to be taken back down with another clothesline. Fuse lets out a scream as he feeds off of the Vegas crowd.
Joe Hoffman: Fuse feeding off of this live crowd here tonight.
Benny Newell: Half these people are drunk and coked up so they don’t know better.
Joe Hoffman: Like you?
Benny Newell: Fucking right! DRINK!
Conor starts hopping in place building up a head of steam before running towards the ropes only for his momentum to hit the brakes as he goes flying to the outside.
Joe Hoffman: Jiles pulled the ropes down!
Benny Newell: I didn’t see anything Hoffman.
Boettcher has some words with Jiles.
Jiles: You see this?
Jiles motions to the HOW World title on his tights.
Jiles: You’re staring too long for my liking there pal, but this means I’m the champ and I can do whatever the fuck I want.
Jiles hops off of the apron and begins to put the boots to Conor on the outside before picking up Player One and launching him to the nearest set of ring steps.
Joe Hoffman: Jiles sends Conor into the steel steps.
Benny Newell: Guess he didn’t use his time warping whistle or he would’ve avoided it!
Jiles dusts his hands and hops back onto the apron as he yells at Boettcher to count.
Conor begins to stir.
Conor is leaning against the arpon.
Conor rolls back in and the crowd goes crazy.
Joe Hoffman: Fuse makes it back in and the crowd goes wild.
Benny Newell: Dammit!
Jiles can’t believe it and begins to yell at Harrison.
Jiles: What the fuck Harrison?!?!?!? This is all your fault! Tag me!
Harrison tags in Jiles and the World champion enters the ring to a round of boos.
Benny Newell: Don’t listen to them Jiles. They are Doozer fans so they don’t know better.
Jiles grabs Conor by the hair before smacking him across the face. Conor tries to get up but Jiles delivers a boot to the side of the head dropping Conor back down.
Joe Hoffman: Jiles being extremely cocky here.
Benny Newell: He’s the COCK of the walk Hoffman.
Jiles goes to pick Conor up, but Player One pushes the champion away. Jiles immediately delivers a stiff kick to the side of Conor before pulling him to his feet and sending him to the ropes. As Conor comes back Jiles picks him up and drives his leg between his legs.
Joe Hoffman: Inverted atomic drop.
Conor holds his privates while on his knees and Jiles hits the ropes like a wild man looking to deliver a knee strike.
Joe Hoffman: COOL Runnings missed!
Fuse ducked under the running knee and as he turns around….
Benny Newell: PWN’D!
The spinning DDT drives the world champion to the mat.
Benny Newell: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT HARRISON!
Both men are down and Boettcher begins his count.
Conor turns over.
Conor crawls and drapes an arm over Jiles.
Jiles pops the shoulder up in time.
Benny Newell: I think I almost had a heart attack Hoffman. I blame you Harrison!
Conor and Jiles slowly get to their feet and in the process they are slugging it out with one another in the center off the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Jiles and Fuse teeing off on one another.
Benny Newell: Peeing? I don’t see know pee.
Fuse goes for the haymaker, but Jiles sidesteps the attack and grabs Conor by the head and throws him to the mat.
Benny Newell: Revive from that bitch!
Conor kip ups and drills an unsuspecting Jiles in the back of the head with a superkick.
Joe Hoffman: COM-BO!
Benny Newell: FUCK YOU HARRISON! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!
The combination attack to everything out of Conor as he using every ounce of strength to crawl towards the waiting Ray McAvay who is pacing back and forth while hitting the turnbuckle to get the crowd involved.
Crowd: LET’S GO CONOR!
Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap.
Benny Newell: FUCK YOU VEGAS!
Snort. Snort. Snort. Snort.
Jiles begins to stir and we see that the 97 Red tinted sunglasses have been broken and Harrison begins to yell at his partner to hurry up and tag him in.
Joe Hoffman: Who will make the tag first?!?!?!?
Conor and Jiles are inches away as both men slap their partner’s hand at the same time and both Ray and Harrison enter the ring with a full head of steam. Harrison goes for a homerun shot with a running lariat, but Ray ducks underneath the strike doubling Harrison over with a sliding clothesline.
Benny Newell: The fuck?!?!?!?
McAvay hits the ropes and hits a swinging neckbreaker. Ray quickly picks up Harrison and goes for the running bulldog, but there is still a miracle in Steve Harrison as he throws McAvay into the corner.
Benny Newell: Ray, Ray singing soprano now.
Harrison runs full speed and drills his knee into the back of Ray’s neck as he is stuck in the corner.
Joe Hoffman: McAvay was just enlightened!
McAvay slumps backwards but his legs are tied still in the corner as Harrison begins a stomping assault.
Benny Newell: Stomp the shit out of him!
Boettcher has words with Harrison because he was pushing the five count. Harrison continues to stomp on McAvay and Boettcher has to physically come between the two and Harrison ain’t having it as he and Boettcher get into a heated argument.
Benny Newell: What the fuck Bitcher?!?!?!? Hoffman, you won’t be getting the bottomline it’s gonna to be that idiot in the ring!
McAvay starts to regain his bearings and tries to free himself and Jiles sees an opportunity while the ref is distracted.
Jiles: HEY RAY!
Ray looks towards Jiles and unleashes a yellow mist the same time Ray unleashed his own red mist.
Joe Hoffman: Both men sprayed each other in the eyes!
Jiles falls to the floor holding his shades while McAvay gets free as he holds his eyes. Harrison sees Ray and pulls him away from the corner and goes for a pin.
Fuse makes the save.
Benny Newell: Someone end this Atari reject!
Harrison gives Conor a look before yanking McAvay to his feet and tossing him around the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Saito suplex with authority by Harrison.
Harrison turns around and goes to pick up McAvay, but gets cracked in the jaw by a headbutt. Harrison goes back towards McAvay who is trying to standing and when he gets closer McAvay grabs him.
Joe Hoffman: SPINEBUSTER!
McAvay begins to crawl towards his corner and is almost there.
Joe Hoffman: Conor is powering up! He wants in!
As McAvay lunges forward, Conor’s hand disappears as Jiles pulls him down to the mat and delivers a dropkick to Conor’s D and D dice.
Benny Newell: No extra lives for those!
Jiles flips off McAvay while blowing kisses to Barbie-Q. McAvay taps his nose and she slides in Bertha.
Joe Hoffman: Bertha is in and McAvay looking to tee off.
However, Harrison is back up and the two start fighting for control of the golf club. The struggling intensifies as they head back towards Harrison’s corner and Steve bumps Jiles. Ref slaps his hands.
Benny Newell: Do something right for once Harrison!
McAvay shoves Harrison into the corner causing him to drop the golf club and as he stumbles forward he doubles him over with a kick to the gut.
Joe Hoffman: McGill-Bomb time?
Boettcher is distracted with getting the club out of the ring allowing Harrison to go low.
Benny Newell: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Joe Hoffman: Low blow by Harrison!
As the Texan drops to his knees Jiles slithers in and delivers a massive superkick.
Joe Hoffman: TERMINAL CANCER!
Harrison looks confused as Jiles makes the cover. Boettcher turns around and drops.
Joe Hoffman: Not like this!
Benny Newell: YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boettcher sounds the bell and gathers the titles and Jiles takes all three.
Bryan McVay: Your winners and NEW! HOW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WOOOOOORLD! THE MIRACLE MAN! STEVE! HAAAAAARRRRIIIISSSSOOOOOON! AND THE HIGH OCTANE WRESTLING WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! COOL! CANCER! JILES!
Jiles takes all three titles and begins to run around the ring like he single handedly won it.
Benny Newell: YOU SEE THAT HARRISON! THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT! JILES CARRIED YOU TO VICTORY JUST LIKE TEDDY PALMER CARRIED LINDSAY TROY! FUCKING DRINK! SNORT COKE! GET BITCHES PREGNANT! IT’S A CELEBRATION!
Joe Hoffman: McAvay and Fuse were robbed.
Benny Newell: Lies!
The Arrival of Farthington
The anger of Vegas’ 214 faithful is still reverberating around the arena, almost knocking a few bricks loose as the show comes to a close. The audience is seething at the chicanary that has happened to yank away the tag team titles from the humble union of the people. Many are standing and yelling upwards towards God but this was the decision Lee wanted anyway, so he’s not that fussed.
Joe Hoffman: You know, if this war between the Best Alliance and the 214 heats up any further, we’re going to start needing to wear tactical vests at ringside.
Benny Newell: I don’t have a tactical vest but I do have this cool cylindrical perspex case that I can…
Thankfully for everyone involved, Benny’s tale is interrupted by a song.
A song that has not been heard in quite some time.
“Mr. Finish Line”
The anger that was threatening to tear the entire arena apart is quickly sated by the beautiful sounds of Vulfpeck’s “Mr. Finish Line”. The song blares loudly through the T-Mobile Arena as a buzz of excitement washes through the crowd.
Benny Newell: Now? That fucker chooses now? Can’t just let The Best Alliance have their moment?
Joe Hoffman: Brian Bare was tasked with catching Cecilworth on his arrival tonight but it appears the former Grand Slam champion found another way in.
The funky tones continue to play as the crowd’s hype levels gradually decrease.
Benny Newell: Fucking trolled again, this is getting old.
Just as Benny is about to down a fifth of Jack and go on a probably mildly racist rant, he ends up with some egg on his bloated alcoholic face as out from the entrance way walks HOW Hall of Famer, Cecilworth Farthington, a trilby sitting atop his head with a hand written piece of paper declaring him as “PRESS” shoved in the band around the hat. The T-Mobile Arena erupts once more as a cheeky little smile creeks upon Farthington’s face. As a proper journalist, Farthington has a buttoned upon beige duffle coat on.
Joe Hoffman: I think many people were never expecting this moment to happen. The Farthington/Lee Best relationship has been fraught at best and yet the Hall of Famer has arrived. We haven’t seen him since his induction into the HOW Hall of Fame!
Benny Newell: Colombo looking ass.
Farthington hops into the ring and grabs himself a microphone, looking pleased as the proverbial punch.
Cecilworth Farthington: Sorry Brian, I used the Press entrance.
Cecilworth chuckles to himself, no one else chuckles. It is just for him.
Cecilworth Farthington: Did you all miss me?
One pair of underwear flies into the ring, gender unclear.
Cecilworth Farthington: You know, I was having a nice quiet life as the premiere journalist on HAITCH OH WRESTLING DOT COM. I’ve broken so many scoops, I’ve lost count. It’s not my fault Chicago won’t give permission for Lee Best’s state funeral, no matter how many times I insisted it was a cultural parade and partial fiesta. Still, despite having the hottest tips at my fingers, something was missing. I’m sure you all know about my history here. I’m sure you all know what has eluded me.
A large “WAR GAMES!” chant breaks out, Cecilworth waves his arm towards the crowd, encouraging it as much as possible.
Cecilworth Farthington: There’s always been this one trophy that I just couldn’t quite get my hands on. I’ve been watching everyone, I’ve been watching very carefully. Cancer Jiles is now a double champion, the man who brought my neverending streak to an end. The man who is the current HOW World Champion, the man who will no doubt captain The Best Alliance at War Games. Jiles, I’m sure you know this moment would come eventually.
The buzz swirling around the arena could best be described as a swarm as this point.
Cecilworth Farthington: I understand the HOW is currently torn asunder. A line in the sand. On one hand, The Best Alliance with their… reasonable talent and self destructive tendencies. On the other, the Local Grapplers Cooperative Two Hundo One Four, a gang of people who are aligned on the basis of… err… emmm… are they swingers? You have to tell me if they’re swingers. Two sides, all must pick. That’s the message that I understand Leecifer has delivered.
The crowd begins a large “214! 214! 214!” chant, one small group try to start some showtunes and get a half full beer can hauled at their skulls.
Cecilworth Farthington: Oh, you want me to pick a side? Does that help me in my quest for the one career capstone I’m looking for?
Cecilworth takes off his trilby and throws it into the crowd as he slowly begins to unbuckle the loops of his coat.
Cecilworth Farthington: I’ve had almost a year to think about this. I was on a soul searching quest. I knew what I was looking for but I had no idea how to get there.
Cecilworth wriggles his first arm free as he slowly begins to take off his coat.
Benny Newell: Is that idiot wearing elbow pads, FOR AN INTERVIEW?
The jacket still covers the bulk of Cecilworth’s chest as he starts to, as Majorie Taylor Swift would say, “shake it off”.
Cecilworth Farthington: Leecifer is a man that I loathe, a manipulative little bald fella who tragically died last week. Does his incredibly timely death make the Best Alliance more appealing? Or do I side with the 214… people who openly declare that they are a poor. Poors? Could I trust them? What if they wanted my money? I don’t have much of it left… THANKS ERIC.
We start to see that Cecilworth is wearing a t-shirt but the text isn’t quite obvious, it has an E on it, maybe an N.
Cecilworth Farthington: Do these sides really help me to reach my goal? That was the question that raced through my massive journalist brain. Ultimately I reached a conclusion, ultimately I knew the question that must be answered. The one that eats away at most of you in the crowd every single night.
Cecilworth has fully shed his top tier journalist gear and as the camera zooms in, we can see his t-shirt all too clear.
Cecilworth Farthington: Fuck that dumb bullshit. Poors against Lee Minions? I hope the War Games cage falls on their stupid skulls…
Benny Newell: You have to be kidding me…
Joe Hoffman: What does this mean for HOW?
The crowd can barely process what has just happened as we fade out for the ni….
“The power of God has freed us”
Hanzel and Gretyl mark the arrival of the champion of the very division Cecilworth has declared his intent to. Mike Best steps up onto the entrance way with his eyes fixed towards the ring. Farthington returns the favour, looking very hard at the man he has proclaimed to be his best friend forever and ever amen.
Benny Newell: Okay, I’m back on board.
As the two men lock eyes, Cecilworth from the ring, Mike from the ramp, the HOW’s resident prize fighter pulls the HOFC Championship from his waist and raises it high above his head. In the ring, a large smile cracks upon Farthington’s face.
Oh no we’ve run out of time.