World Champion Issues Statement: Everything Is “Fine”
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World Champion Issues Statement: Everything Is “Fine”

In response to fines levied and statements made by HOW General Manager Jace Parker Davidson on last night’s episode of Monday Night Chaos, HOWrestling.com staff have received the following written response from HOW World Champion and Hall of Famer Michael Lee Best. The statement is being published as received, but the verbiage and opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions of High Octane Wrestling or it’s staff: 

 

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The actual fucking audacity. 

First of all, Jace, I Venmo’d you the three thousand dollars in fines that I “owe” you. I know you only fined me two grand, but since I have absolutely zero intention of showing up in fucking Hershey, Pennsylvania, I figured I’d may as well get ahead of my tab. You can have me in Jersey, Jace.. .that’s my former hometown, it’s the go-home show, and I’m a guy who knows how to do real fucking business, so I’ll be there. But I would sooner donate both of my eyes to the Veterans of HOW fund and go on a goodwill tour promoting PRIME’s Wish.com War Games match than show up in Hershey to cut a meaningless two minute promo in front of a bunch of chocolate farmers in dirty overalls. 

I’ll pay your fines, Coffee Boy. 

Barely scratches my Jordans budget. 

I bet you had your little male-pattern baldness addled attorneys up all night figuring out the right verbiage to make sure that I couldn’t order you to get me a fucking coffee, but that doesn’t mean you’re not my fucking Coffee Boy, Jace. You have absolutely no power over me. Unlike 97% of the roster around here, I’ve saved my fucking money. I don’t need to crawl to anyone for a paycheck, and shit, I’ve retired twice… what are you gonna do, fire the World Champion? Go ahead and devalue the belts a little more, since you’re already walking around with the LSD Championship in your little suit and tie and holding it hostage. Make the belt vacant two weeks before March to Glory, completely fucking up the LBI, and then watch me come win it back at War Games anyway since there’s not a single person on this fucking roster who can beat me when I’m challenging for that belt. 

I dare you, Jace. 

Pad my fucking resume.

They have to listen to you, Coffee Boy. They need the money. They need the TV time. You think there’s a single motherfucker tuning into our shows who needs a reminder of who I am and what championship I hold? I’m an attraction, bitch. I don’t need to show up every week and waste two to seven minutes of television time to cut a promo about nothing, just to maintain my relevance. I pop a rating just for showing up, so instead of flexing nuts on live television and going into business for yourself, how about you just send me a quiet thank you note for knowing when to show up and when to fucking stay home. I show up when I’m scheduled to wrestle, Jace, and you haven’t scheduled me to wrestle. When you do, I’ll fucking be there, like I was for all those years when you were still at home deciding what kind of strip club would be the coolest one to open so that everyone knew how much pussy you got. 

I am the HOW World Champion. 

I hold the single most valuable championship in all of wrestling– the title that has John Sektor (sorry, buddy) cowering in the HOTv division. The belt that has you hiding behind a LSD Championship that you’re gonna defend in a backwoods indy after becoming the fucking general manager. You’ve all stopped even bothering to chase me… and what’s everyone’s excuse now? 

My daddy is gonna protect me? 

You’re the GM of the week now, buddy! 

Since you clearly see no conflict of interest in being a champion and an authority figure, you could book yourself to face me on the Go Home for the belt and make the rules as devastating to my cause as you want. You could make the title change hands if anyone interferes on my behalf. You could ban the Final Alliance from the arena. You could make it a “Jace Wins” match, where the only rules are that Jace Wins. Absolutely nothing in the world stopping you but the one thing that has been stopping you since you came back, Jace. 

Fear

So keep those fines coming, Coffee Boy. Save up all that cash and throw a little more at Blaire in the hopes that someday she’ll become Blaire Moist over you, but you’re never getting out of the friend zone. Not with Blaire, and certainly not with my HOW World Championship. In fact, since I’m sure something I’ve said here today is gonna get you real big mad, so let me just send you another two grand real quick to cover the fines. You know, since it’s the only power you have over me in the fucking world. If you’re smart, you’ll set a couple of bucks aside and use it to do the thing you should have done in the first place:

Get me a fucking coffee.