Solex stands at the front of a guerrilla army in the Brazilian jungle. He has just taken temporary command from their General – the enemy of my enemy is my friend, as the old adage goes, and this guerilla general is no fan of The Blood Alliance. Solex, ever the imposing figure, stands tall in front of the men, his muscles glistening with sweat and bulging beneath his tactical plate carrier. He carries an M4 rifle at the low-ready, while the troops behind him hold AK-47s. They all stand ready, awaiting command from their new leader, The Last Man in Wrestling.
Steve Solex: Today, on this Independence Day, I stand before you to share the story of a remarkable individual, a man who embodies the very essence of the American spirit. His love for America courses through his veins; he bleeds literal red, white and blue. This man has dedicated his life to upholding the values that our forefathers fought for: the ideals of liberty, justice and equality for all…in short, the American Way of Life!
Solex paces back and forth in front of the formation of men. His commanding presence demands their respect as each of them follows him with their eyes.
Steve Solex: Through his unwavering commitment to the principles that define our great nation, this man has become a shining example of what it means to be a true American Patriot. While most of you have only engaged in petty squabbles at your local WaWa or Golden Corral chocolate fountain, this man has triumphed in battles that would bring the gods to their knees!
Solex pauses and looks up to the sky taking in the jungle air with a deep breath.
Steve Solex: He has battled on an aircraft carrier amidst treacherous seas. He crippled his opponents at the Alamo. He crawled face down in the sands of the beaches in Normandy. And he single-handedly defeated a dozen men in the war-torn country of Ukraine.
Suddenly, an enormous American flag unfurls from the towering treetops behind the formation of troops. Its awe-inspiring size is a sight to behold, stretching out like a football field in all its patriotic glory.
Steve Solex: This man is the single greatest HOW World Champion of all time. This man is Christopher America. As we celebrate our day of Independence from those red coat, boiled chicken eating, never seen a string of dental floss, Evan Ward cheering fucks, let us not forget that an American hero is currently being held captive out here in the South American jungle by a group of cowards!
BOOM! BANG! BOOM!
The resounding booms of fireworks reverberate through the jungle, shaking the Earth at its core. Dozens, if not hundreds, of vibrant red, white and blue fireworks flash in the dark, jungle sky.
Steve Solex: Tonight! We promise you, Christopher America! With a 21 Gun Salute, that we…WILL…FIND…YOU!READY!
His command sends a jolt of electricity through the troops, their bodies straightening into the position of attention.
Steve Solex: AIM!
The soldiers raise their AK-47 rifles skyward at a 45-degree angle.
Steve Solex: FIRE!!!
The crackling bursts of gunfire compliment the sound of fireworks as each muzzle flashes in the night sky. The rhythmic discharge of bullets are in perfect cadence, an expression of their unity and unwavering resolve and perfect tribute to Christopher America.