HOWrestling.com would like to extend its congratulations to January Wrestler of the Month–Darin Zion. While it’s now February and Valentine’s Day is looming, REAL LOVE Darin Zion has officially declared his month reign the Month of LOOOOOOOOVE. In honor of his esteemed accomplishment–Darin Zion has used his Wrestler of Month bonus to SHARE THE LOVE with his HOW, PWA, and PRIME colleagues. Zion purchased the following Valentines for his fellow wrestlers/co-workers in honor of this accomplishment:
Alcedama: New Whips and Chains
Because everyone knows what Alcedama and Lee are doing in that hidden German dungeon of theirs…GOTTTTA RESTRAIN them Hall of Famers gooooood.
Bobbinette Carey: A life-sized MAGENTA Marker to sign off on all her OFFICIAL HOW documents for the rest of time.
Now REAL LOVE’s eyes won’t be the only eyes that bleed when Bobbinette Carey wants to use the color magenta…it’s the gift that will keep on giving.
Brian Hollywood: A Fisher-Price Loving Family Dollhouse to replace his old Hollywood Mansion that exploded.
You know…because everyone’s clamoring over another promo at the “Hollywood Mansion.” His former best friend thought he needed to give all the amenities Brian Hollywood had at his old house because LOVE and shit…
Christopher America: A Vintage Chuck Norris Karate Kommando’s Action Figure
REAL LOVE believes in Christopher America during his REBUILDING phase. That’s why Darin Zion got Mr. America a hero he can shape this new phase of his career around. At least Chuck Norris kicked Soviet’ soldier ass. Maybe this leads to Christopher America defeating the Russian Bear at PWA-02?
Clay Byrd: The saddest 20 Gallon Cowboy Hat Money Could Buy
Sad Cowboys need Sad Cowboy Hats…especially when their former allies leave you for dead and steal your original sad hat.
Conor Fuse: A Customized Nintendo Power Glove made to look like Thanos’ Infinity Gauntlet
REAL LOVE respects REAL GAME! Darin Zion gifts his HOW bestie something nice. Hopefully Conor can use its powers to SNAP the #97RED off the waist of HOW’s resident fascist champ at M2G!
Dan Ryan: A Broken Xerox Machine
It’s broken—we swear; we checked! Darin Zion hopes Dan Ryan can find some use out of a new, devastating weapon. Hopefully Ryan can inflict some pain using this to put Joe Bergman, Jatt Starr, or Scott Stevens out of their misery before their Fatal Fourway date at March 2 Glory.
Great Scott: A shit-ton of Cardboard Boxes out of a random Dollar Tree Dumpster
REAL LOVE knows this is a low-hanging fruit basket, just like Mike Best likes. But REAL LOVE wants to make sure GREAT SCOTT can add another 97 floors on his cardboard, hooverville-style mansion to outshine Brian Hollywood’s overdone mansion. Hopefully this inspires GREAT SCOTT, Great Bear, and Morty to come back and chase after the HOT Vee Title once more.
Jace Parker Davidson: A year subscription to the BetterHelp App.
REAL LOVE wants JPD to conserve his energy. That fapping hand loses strength when it’s overused and riddled with tinnitus. A clear mind leads to better title defenses. REAL LOVE wants to make sure the LSD Champion is in PRIME shape when they eventually clash in a PPV match over the LSD Title later this year.
Jatt Starr: Personalized List of 970,970 new nicknames to use…
The DeathStarr sounded nice to REAL LOVE. So did StarrBurst….Who knows the Rings of Jatturn or StarrShip Troopers might get heard over the HOW airwaves soon? We’re sure the STARR Fox will win at M2G!
Joe Bergman: $100 million in Monopoly Money plus Hot Dogs and Handshakes for the MVW crew.
REAL LOVE understands what it’s like to fund an evil empire. Hopefully this sparks the revolution and makes the people sing…singing the song of angry men. REAL LOVE also wanted to throw in one show’s pay to Joe Bergman’s “EVIL EMPIRE” buddy making sure everybody got fresh Hot Dogs and Handshakes to save on Ray McVay’s costs for the month of February.
Marvolo 3: A 23andMe Test
Like the rest of the world–REAL LOVE wants to know where Marvolo 1 & 2 are hiding. Maybe Darin Zion can re-united the Marvolo Family together! #LOVECONQUERSALL #FamilyTies
Scott Stevens: A Month of Omaha Steaks – well done of course…
Just like Scott Stevens’ career in HOW…and that stupid brown-noser gimmick he runs kneeling to the boss that hates him too!
Steve Solex: His own Bald Eagle
If an American Loser like Christopher America can still own a bald eagle–then a winner like Steve Solex deserves one too. At least Steve Solex can beat the Soviets…
Stronk Godson: Magnetic Alphabet Letters–all capitalized
ZION LOVE STRONK WHEN STRONK SOUND LIKE DIS. ZION GIVE STRONKMAN BIG LETTERS TO GET BIG TALK TO RETURN TO STRONK. MAYBE STRONK GET STEAK FROM SKINNY ZION MAN IF HE CAN FIGURE LETTERS OUT.
Xander Azula: A Coffee Cup with “Worst Tag Partner EVER” written on it.
‘Nuff Said! REAL LOVE wants Xander to NEVER forget how terrible his Lethal Lottery performance was. It cost the first-time gambling man another notch in his belt to get closer to the LSD Championship. Darin Zion hopes Xander Azula NEVER forgets his failure to climax during the MONTH OF LOVE.
Lee Best: A lifetime supply of Coconut Body Wash
REAL LOVE understands that the bossman is tired of smelling like the disgusting taints of all his midwest fans. Since Darin assumes Lee Best uses Zest Bar Soap–the SOAP of Grandmothers worldwide…REAL LOVE thought Best should get a more eloquent scent for the most eloquent, BEST man of HOW. It’ll also save that chalky, scaly lizard man complex Lee Best has accrued from that nasty barred turd he uses to wash himself at night. Could cure his #97Red pink eye problems from Alcedama too…Gotta smell nice for your newest friend in the basement, bossman!
Benny Newell: A 8X11 autograph from his FAVORITE HOW wrestler and a bottle of whiskey.
It’s obvious REAL LOVE Darin Zion is his new favorite wrestler. More time off and more rest makes a saltier Benny. Hopefully this gift along with the booze will force this Hall of Famer to take some time off his R&R during Zion matches to call one or two from time to time.
(The Corpse of) Scottywood: A lifetime subscription to the Hop Head IPA Club
Oh wait….guess it’s expired now….like Scotter McGavin after ICONIC.
Lindsay Troy: A copy of Wrestling Booking for Dummies
Darin Zion is tired of LT squandering the GREATEST act she’s EEEEVVVER had in PRIME. The 4Ever PRIME Tag Team Champions 2Become1 deserve ALL THE TITLES…ALL THE OPPORTUNITIES…ALL THE AIR TIME. TOUGH LOVE hopes this helps Lindsay see the error of her ways and become a TRUE Hall-Mark.
Melvin Beauregard: A custom Speedo with REAL LOVE etched out in the front.
REAL LOVE doesn’t judge the kinks of the PWA officials, especially the weirdest staff member. Darin Zion understands sometimes those big, fat office cats need some….BREATHING room for their junk. #NoShameMelvin
The Kings of Popsicles: Matching Love Convoy Back-Up Jerseys and Cardboard Replica 4EVA PRIME Tag Champ Belts
This one’s for Hickie Vall…since the REAL CHAMPS have more important things to accomplish…The Love Convoy decided to give them something to TRULY represent their cause as their newest backup dancers. After all, they lost at Colossus to the REAL 4EVA PRIME TAG CHAMPIONS 2B1. We wish the FAUX Champions good luck. Represent the LOVE CONVOY with pride! TEE HEE! REAL LOVE is rooting for you chumps!
Jonathan-Christopher, Vickie Hall, and Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy: An all expenses paid cruise to the Caribbean
Because the bestest friends EVVVVVAAAAAAAR deserve the bestest present ever. Without The Love Convoy–REAL LOVE wouldn’t be back here in HOW celebrating his biggest milestone yet after dethroing Conor Fuse, Jace Parker Davidson, and others as the FIRST AND BEST Wrestler of 2023. #Besties 4EVVVVVVVVVA #LoveStillDominates
Darin Zion hopes everyone enjoys his gifts and remembers to put some LOOOOOOOOOOOVE on his name when you open them up. The MONTH OF LOOOOOOOOOVE starts strong going into 2023. REAL LOVE wishes everyone from the fans, wrestlers, and staff a very Happy Valentines Day!