We here at HOWrestling.com received the following email from Shelley Greene, manager of HOTv Champion STRONK GODSON. We’re posting it to the website, per Mr. Greene’s request.
It’s a slow news day…
Friends, colleagues, HOW fans, and, most especially, Michael Lee Best… I, Shelley Greene, write to you on this fateful day to deliver a simple list.
A list of STRONK’s wants and desires.
For after STRONK defeats Steve Harrison and robs him of his 4-0 record on Sunday.
This is not a list of demands. There’s a difference. We signed a contract, we agreed to the terms and conditions contained therein, we get it, we do.
But what if HOW, like… wanted to be cool? What if HOW wanted to make sure the Stronk Man is happy and content? What if they wanted to do more than the bare minimum? A few measly perks, some of which aren’t even perks, really; more opportunities for the advancement of HOW’s business empire through diversification and a STRONK-focused corporate strategy.
Am I out here doing Michael Lee Best’s job for him? That’s not for me to say, but it’s an interesting thought, no?
Anywhoo, STRONK’s list of wants and desires. I’ve taken the liberty of categorizing them using an expected time horizon approach: short-, medium-, and long-term. How long each should take is up for further discussion, but know that STRONK doesn’t like to be kept waiting, so, you know… better get crackin’. Chop chop!
- A hefty pay raise in recognition of STRONK’s dominance and burgeoning superstardom, and an additional $10K per annum for every pound STRONK gains after signing his new contract.
- A ‘STRONK Only’ section in catering stocked with, at a minimum, fourteen rotisserie chickens, seven porterhouse steaks, four dozen eggs (scrambled), a bathtub-size container of potato salad or pasta salad (switch it up from time to time), and an oil drum’s worth of protein shake.
- A tee shirt that reads ‘WHAT THAT BUTT DO?’ (don’t ask—STRONK often opens with this question when attempting to court a female) [which coincidentally enough leads us to the next ‘nice-to-have…]
- A steak dinner date in NYC with ‘ROBERNETTE CAREY’ during which STRONK and Carey will see who can consume their steak—bone and all—the fastest, and whoever’s the fastest gets to pick the next cut of meat that they’ll then race to choke down. On and on this will go until the restaurant informs them that they are closing. Then once the dinner is over, STRONK commits to carrying ‘Robernette’ around town in a fireman’s carry , and possibly they can even have a handicap match with a handsome cab horse. Should there be chemistry between the two lovebirds (which there will be because the Stronk Daddy’s undeniable), the evening will conclude with naked deadlifts at the nearest 24-hour gym. STRONK does not put out on the first date, so make sure you tell Carey to keep her hands to herself and be fucking respectful, okay?
- A championship title in his namesake (the STRONKWeight Championship) that can only be contested for by big dudes with lots of glistening muscles, glutes like POW~!, and an independently verified weight of at least 300 pounds (post-dump!) on fight night
- A PPV that plays host to STRONK challenging several of the naysayers from his childhood in a gauntlet match, and there’s all sorts of blunt objects and, I dunno, maybe some barbed wire for STRONK to use to exact vengeance on his tormentors and deniers. The HOW roster will gather around the ring and applaud and cheer STRONK on, saying stuff like, ‘You go, STRONK!’ and ‘STRONK really isn’t short at all when you see him up close—like he’s actually tall as fuck’ or maybe ‘STRONK’s the best and he should be paid part of my salary’. Just stuff like that. Then, after STRONK vanquishes his demons, the HOW roster hoists him up on their shoulders and parades him around the arena like that guy Rudy in that movie about the dwarf football player.
- A line of workout equipment and supplements that can be sold via street vendors in the fattest part of every city HOW visits. It will be called the ‘STRONK SYSTEM’ and will require the customer to enter into a ten-year payment plan amounting to tens of thousands of dollars of customer lifetime value. STRONK reserves the right to force a bullet payment at any point if the customer posts any content on social media that depicts him or her as weak and therefore casts the ‘STRONK SYSTEM’ in a negative light. If payment is not made within three business days thereafter, STRONK gets to punch them as hard as he can in the chest. And then they have another two business days to get their paper right. Pretty simple and straightforward. All of this will be 100% funded by HOW with no expectation of a return on their investment as all monies earned go straight to STRONK Enterprises, LLC.
- A big-budget action movie to star STRONK in the lead role. All-in, the budget should not be less than $200 million, and the movie needs to cast Stallone, Arnold, Carl Weathers if he ain’t dead but I think he is, and Cuba Gooding Jr. Also throw Leo in there because I want to talk to him about hair products and all the chicks he’s done stuff with. He probably has lots of stories to tell. The movie will be split into six films, each three hours a pop, and like 75% of it needs to be CGI. As this is the most expensive request, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting a synopsis for the film franchise. Here it is:
The year is 1987. A young boy travels with his trucker dad to arm wrestling competitions. His dad is Sylvester Stallone and he may be mentally disabled but that’s okay because his arm’s are big and his technique is like no other. After winning the biggest and most hyped arm wrestling match ever, the dad randomly is vaporized by an armour-clad alien with a laser canon on its shoulder. A piece of the dad’s skull is shot across the room and buries itself in the young boy’s spine as he’s attempting to flee. He is rendered a cripple.
Thirty five years later, the young boy is frail and his legs are skinny and like don’t work at all because, again, he’s crippled. Some other stuff happens and a super smart AI or something gives the young boy-turned-full grown man a magic potion. He drinks the magic potion and becomes the biggest, strongest, most awesomest fighting champion the world has ever known.
He is known simply as STRONK.
And STRONK goes on to fight CGI’d aliens with the voices of the other members of the cast. Leo will flex his artistic range and play a woman robot named Treyday Lawndell the Second.
The ending comes when STRONK realizes, oh shit, he’s actually a god who was banished from the heavens for partying too hard on weeknights, and the aliens decide that war with a god is foolish and so they team up to race fast cars and pull off elaborate heists. Roll credits. Audience gives standing ovation. The Oscar is shipped to us the next day. Boom.
So you see, it’s all really the least we can expect from not only our employer, but future business partner as well. Not even saying it all needs to be done as described, necessary compromise is understandable, but make an effort. If any of the details need clarification, you know how to reach me.
Manager of HOTv Champion STRONK GODSON