Re: Non-Compliance of Demands, Discussion for Breach of Being A Fucking Man

We fade in from a snowy picture to Arliss Peters, Esq., sitting behind the desk inside the offices of the law firm he’s partnered with: Dick, Long, and Peters, LLC.

The camera is steady and there’s light, inspirational music being played as Arliss reads from a piece of paper he has in his hands. In a side-by-side shot, we can see the letter that’s being read out loud via split-screen.

Dick, Long, and Peters LLC
11 Johnson St
Chicago, IL 60629
March 8, 2022

Mr. John Sektor
High Octane Wrestling
Chicago, IL 60629

 

Re: Non-Compliance of Demands, Discussion for Breach of Being A Fucking Man

Dear Mr. Sektor,

This letter dually serves to inform you that you are currently in violation of your verbal attestment to being the greatest LSD Champion of all time, and ignoring my client’s challenge on February 20th, 2022. Both violations contradict your claims in being the greatest LSD Champion of all time, and also as being man enough to accept a challenge from someone with whom you know to be better than you in every way imaginable.

On February 13th, 2022, you wrestled my client in a High Octane Wrestling ring for the LSD Championship. During the ending of the match, my client put his body on the line by tossing himself and your clinger-on hide to the outside of the ring. Neither my client nor you could answer the count of ten and thus the ruling was a double count-out. Through champion’s advantage, you retained your championship. Despite knowing full well my client was mere moments away from defeating you in the middle of the ring.

There were also moments through your futile efforts, where you made attempts to exploit another loophole in champion’s advantage where the championship, so long as it is contested under pure wrestling rules, cannot change hands on disqualification. 

Section VI of the MCA (Man Code Agreement, section titled “Equitability”) clearly states that if business between two men in the spirit of competition for a championship belt cannot be settled definitively, then the champion shall maintain the testicular fortitude (Also Known As the Scott Stevens Law, or more commonly, the Grow-A-Fucking-Set statute) to have a rematch in order to determine who the actual winner of said contest is. Therefore, in accordance with Section IX of the MCA (“Enforcement”), my client, the harmed party, is entitled to all remedies available at law. And maybe even some outside of it due to extenuating circumstances.

It has also come to our attention that you have violated this Agreement in the following ways: (1) by being a cunt ducking my client; (2) exhibiting poor attributes that are in direct conflict with your status as a ‘Machine’; and (3) by clearly hoping my client goes away so you don’t have to wrestle twice in one night after proving you could not beat him in a single one on one in a match.

My client hereby requests a good faith response to this letter as soon as possible, but no later than March 13th, 2022. If we do not receive a response by this date, we reserve the right to pursue any and all available equitable remedies. Furthermore, with reference to Section XII (B) of the Agreement (“Don’t Be A Pussy Ass Bitch You Fucking Fuck Wagon”), the prevailing party of any dispute related to this Agreement shall recover its attorneys’ fees in the amount of $9,700.

If there are any questions regarding this demand letter, please contact my office at (312) 977-3327.
 

Sincerely Yours,

Arliss Peters
Attorney | Dick, Long, and Peters LLP”

 

The split-screen disappears and we are left with Arliss Peters shaking his head. Clearly, he’s unhappy with the wording of this ‘Demand Letter’. Putting it down, Arliss sighs. Because… well, there’s more to say on behalf of his client. 

 “My client also has an addendum for his original demand. The addendum is that you, John Sektor, defend your LSD Championship in a SUBMISSION MATCH.”

Taking a sip of his coffee from a mug that reads “WORLD’S GREATEST FUCKING LAWYER”, Arliss continues.

“My client wanted to give you ample time to answer his challenge given that you have been preoccupied with your matches to determine whether or not you made it to the Maurako Cup Finals and had to pull double-duty at the upcoming Pay-Per-View, March To Glory. But since Refueled came and went and my client’s challenge went unanswered, the next step in getting what is owed to him needed to proceed. Please do yourself the favor by eliminating further embarrassment as a leader of the locker room by accepting his challenge. Fuck you. And thank you.”

Arliss folds the letter back into a nearby envelope as the light and inspirational music fades along with the picture.