Darin Zion and ‘Defective Marty Pratt faced each other at the Lake of the Ozarks in a theatrical wrestling match filmed last week. Who would suffer the ultimate ignominy of a DEFINITIVE ERASURE?
It all started when Missouri Valley Wrestling’s backstage Interviewer Kellie Burkowski interviewed Darin Zion about his huge win in Tokyo, Japan against ‘The New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine’ Ultratron-6 and was attacked from behind by a man wielding with an oversized pencil. He said Zion must be ERASED and hit him over and over shouting ‘ERASE!’
One week later, Zion wrestled Steve Solex and Zeb Martin for the HOTv title and about to hit the Ban Hammer on Solex. He heard a scream and saw the same guy who’d attacked him the previous week hovering over Zion’s downed manager after knocking her out with the oversized pencil. The distraction allows Solex to shove Zion out of the ring and go on to pin Zeb Martin to win the HOTv title.
Then at HOW Refueled 65, Darin was asked by HOW’s backstage interviewer Blaire Moise if he knew who the guy was who attacked Meredith. Zion had no clue who he was but the man came out and identified himself as ‘Defective’ Marty Pratt. Pratt referred to Zion as a “purloiner of property of intellect” and revealed he’d been paid a large sum of cash by a mysterious benefactor to ensure Zion suffers an unfortunate arc of circumstance called… ERASURE!
And then last week on Refueled 66, Blaire Moise interviewed Pratt while Pratt’s wife Rebecca played a dark and foreboding song on the pan flute and the angelic voice of ‘Brother Spiro’ comes out to serenade Blaire…
Brother Spiro:
You’ll disappear and catalogue yourself as archaic.
He hits the button on his phone.
Manufactured Crowd Response: ARCHAIC!
…only to be interrupted midsong by Blaire who demanded to know what this was all about and who the mysterious benefactor was. Pratt evaded Blaire’s question and proclaimed once again that Zion would soon suffer an unfortunate arc of circumstance called ERASURE!
So…
Will Darin Zion be erased forever? Or will Zion erase ‘Defective’ Marty Pratt from his life and send him back under the rock he crawled out of with an inglorious defeat at Zion’s hands?
Who is the mysterious benefactor?
Will Brother Spiro sing again?
Who the hell plays a pan flute?
Also, just why was Rah in a courtroom the other week?
And finally, we find out just what this is all REALLY about.
All these burning questions and more will now be answered as the cataclysmic conclusion to the Pratt versus Zion story takes place at Darin Zion’s Compound at the Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri RIGHT NOW…
…huh?…
…oh.
Well, the match will take place right after this special message from the Legal Department.
The Legal Department
Somewhere
Cut to a man in a nice three-piece business suit looking all serious and stuff.
Some Guy in the Legal Department: Hello. The legal department would like to reassure everyone… but especially those who hold copyright to certain intellectual property… that we have taken great pains to make sure that no copyright violations to said intellectual property takes place on this broadcast here tonight. The legal department has taken extraordinary measures to make sure this does not happen including this…
He holds up what appears to be a script.
Some Guy in the Legal Department: …that’s right. The legal department has made sure every single word that’s about to be spoken as well as all the action that’s about to take place in tonight’s theatrical match has been carefully scripted out for you, our loyal viewers, and…
An ambulance’s siren interrupts his spiel and causes a momentary distraction.
Some Guy in the Legal Department: Um…and scrutinized at the highest level possible to make sure any questionable or potentially copyright violating material to other’s intellectual property has been meticulously scrubbed…
He cocks his ear away from the camera as the siren seems to be getting closer.
Some Guy in the Legal Department: …er…scrubbed, um, taken out of the script. So with that in mind. The legal department hopes that you…
The siren’s sound reaches its apex and then begins to fade.
Some Guy in the Legal Department: …uh… hopes that you enjoy the show!
He yanks his briefcase up from the floor and sprints off the set.
Some Guy in the Legal Department (off screen): WAAAAAIT! STOPPPP!
A door slams shut.
Some Guy in the Legal Department (off screen and barely audible): I’M AN ATTORNEY!
Cut to…
The Definitive Erasure
Filmed Last Week on Location
Darin Zion’s Compound
Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri
On the far side of Zion’s property, a man and his children prepare a post Fourth of July fireworks display.
In the side yard a gardener fills a small wading pool with water.
HOTv cameras zoom in on a remote-controlled miniature Dodge Grand Caravan with a piece of paper taped to the top of it in a driveway.
The vehicle moves forward and the camera follows along as it rolls onto a sidewalk that leads to the entrance of Zion’s palatial mansion. The vehicle travels forward until a step appears ahead. The vehicle slams into the step and recoils backwards a couple feet. It again tries to navigate the step and again is denied.
Voice off camera: Oh. DUHHH!
A hooded figure appears on screen. Putting the script to this theatrical production in his back pocket, he lifts the vehicle up onto the landing and places it down at the front door.
He then pulls the script back out, reads his next action, and proceeds to pound on Zion’s door. Once done, he shoves the script back in his pocket, leaps off the porch, and runs out of the picture.
Cut to inside Zion’s mansion…
Darin Zion relaxes in his chair and checks out messages on his cell phone.
*BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM*
Zion jumps up from the chair.
Darin Zion: What the-
Brisk walk to the front door. Zion opens it up and finds the miniature Dodge Grand Caravan with a piece of paper taped to the top of it there.
Zion tears the letter off the top and reads the note.
Darin Zion: This is Mini-Vanguard-Uno. Meet ‘Defective’ Marty Pratt in the backyard and prepare for your DEFINITIVE ERASURE!
Darin crumples up the paper and punts the RC mini-van off the porch. The vehicle lands in multiple pieces in the yard next to a small plastic toy replica of the Mystery Machine from the TV show Scooby-Doo.
He checks his copy of the script for his next line and faces the camera.
Darin Zion: All right. Let’s get this over with.
The camera then follows Zion as he jumps onto a ten-speed bicycle that just happens to be conveniently leaning against the porch. Zion pedals the bike as fast as he can around the house towards the backyard and buzzes by close to Chester the Gardener who’s just about done filling up the small wading pool.
Arriving in the backyard, what does he find?
A wrestling ring.
A referee- Davey Keels.
A ring announcer- Kimber Marshall
And…
‘Defective’ Marty Pratt: Dar-een Zyyy-on.
… flanked by Brother Spiro, ‘Defective’ Marty Pratt motions to Zion to join him inside the ring.
‘Defective’ Marty Pratt: I knew you’d…
Pratt pauses for maximum dramatic effect and to give him time to pull out his script to make sure he stays true and says the correct, non-copyright or intellectual property violating words he’s supposed to say.
‘Defective’ Marty Pratt: show up-OOOOF!
While Pratt reviewed his script, Zion jumped off the bike while still in motion and launched himself into the ring, jumped up, spun around with arm outstretched and cut Pratt down with a vicious Ban Hammer.
Kimber Marshall scurries to a corner. Pratt’s script flies out of the ring at impact and he hits his head hard on the mat. Zion immediately hooks the legs. Davey Keels right there to make the count.
ONE…
TWO…
THREE!!!!
Keels calls for the bell and the match is done.
Zion jumps back to his feet and Keels raises his arm in victory.
Kimber Marshall: Your winner at… SEVEN SECONDS! DARRRRRR-IN! ZIIIIIII-ON!
Darin Zion: Yes! It’s over!
He looks down at the fallen Pratt still lying motionless on the mat.
Brother Spiro (speaking in a decidedly feminine voice): WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT IN THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED HERE?
Zion and Keels turn their gaze towards ‘Brother Spiro’- who it appears may not be a ‘brother’ after all.
She rips the microphone out of Kimber Marshall’s hand and incredulously glares down at ‘Defective’ Marty Pratt on the mat.
Brother Spiro: That’s IT? FOUR WEEKS of meticulous planning? FOUR WEEKS of building this up and you lose this match in SEVEN SECONDS? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Darin Zion: Hold on! It’s YOU!
‘Brother Spiro’ suddenly realizes that outwardly expressing her anger and frustration in an sudden emotional outburst may have constituted a slight error in judgment.
Brother Spiro: Oh. Um…
Zion points at her.
Darin Zion: You’re the mysterious benefactor!
She lets out a girlish giggle and an awkward smile befitting someone who’s just had her hand caught in the cookie jar.
Brother Spiro: Gotta go. Bye!
She turns and hauls ass towards her car.
Cut to…
On the edge of Zion’s property away from the other side of the house, Ray McAvay’s children prepare the fireworks they’re getting ready to shoot off at dusk overseen by Ray’s 24-year-old step-daughter Victoria McGill.
She glances on her script that’s lying on the ground and then looks up and smiles at the camera.
Victoria McGill: Safety first!
Victoria flashes a thumbs up. Max Kael, HOW Hall of Famer and former Literally Safest Division champion… rest in peace, would be proud of her.
But then Brother Spiro comes screaming around the corner of the mansion in full sprint.
Victoria McGill: What in the world?
Then Zion appears some twenty feet behind ‘Brother Spiro’. Sensing there’s a problem and further sensing the person fleeing could be the problem, Victoria turns to the younger children.
Victoria McGill: Do you guys remember everything Ray said about fireworks safety and the proper way to shoot off fireworks, bottle rockets and roman candles?
Children (in unison): Yes!
Victoria McGill: Disregard them.
Gracie McAvay’s eyes light up. McAvay’s six-year-old daughter goes over and picks up then lights a roman candle. She aims the firework towards Brother Spiro and soon a flurry of flaming balls shoot out and fly sixty feet through the air into the inside of the car, lighting it up with pretty colors and then setting the interior of the vehicle on fire.
Gracie McAvay: COOL!
When ‘Brother Spiro’ reaches her car…
Brother Spiro: Oh shit!
…she’s horrified when she sees the fire inside. ‘Brother Spiro’ then hears a whistling noise off in the distance that’s closing in on her. She turns…
Brother Spiro: OH SHIT!
…and sees a barrage of jumbo whistling bottle rockets heading right for her.
Watching from her vantage point, Victoria smiles.
Victoria McGill: Damn right, oh shit!
Tori notes her siblings are giving her the eye of disapproval.
Victoria McGill: Yeah you guys didn’t hear that.
‘Brother Spiro’ tries to run away but she steps on a toy in the yard and lands flat on her back. The bottle rockets fly over her and then explode inside and outside her car at impact.
***
Meanwhile, in the side yard, Chester the Gardener is dragging poor Marty Pratt out of the ring to face his fate.
Marty Pratt: NOOOOO! Not that!
Per the script, Marty is overacting in a way that would have made the late, great Alan Rickman (see Robin Hood- Prince of Thieves… the one where Kevin Costner can’t speak with a proper British accent) proud.
Marty Pratt: Not the LAKE OF BANISHMENT! NOOOOOOO!
Marty sees the Lake of Banishment approaching but suddenly snaps out of character.
Marty Pratt: Um… hey, that’s a plastic wading pool?
Close up on the blue plastic wading pool full of water.
Chester the Gardener: It’s all we could afford.
Marty Pratt: Oh.
Then he turns on the overacting thing again.
Marty Pratt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Chester the Gardener dumps Pratt into the wading pool…er…LAKE OF BANISHMENT and through the miracle of modern video editing, Pratt magically disappears.
The gardener wipes his hands and prepares to attend other chores on the Zion estate. But then two hands suddenly appear at the side of the Lake of Banishment as if someone’s trying to escape.
Chester the Gardener: Oh no you don’t.
He grabs a rake and starts whacking the two hands with it.
Chester the Gardener: Get back in there Stevens.
He whacks the hands again.
Chester the Gardener: I said get back in there. Don’t make me use this!
Chester the Gardener points to an electric cattle prod that’s oh so conveniently close by and then whacks the hands again with the rake.
***
Back in the front yard now, the impromptu fireworks display is over and Brother Spiro’s car is engulfed in flames. ‘Brother Spiro’ is now surrounded by Zion, Ray McAvay, and his children.
Darin Zion: Let’s find out who you really are.
Zion removes the mask.
*CUE DRAMATIC SOUND EFFECT*
Darin Zion/Ray McAvay (in unison): SUNNY O’CALLAHAN?
Darin Zion: Wait. You’re the one who was Rah’s manager for a few weeks earlier this year until he fired you right before March to Glory. YOU were the one who was behind all this?
O’Callahan rolls her eyes.
Sunny O’Callahan: Yes Darin. I was the one who was behind all this.
Darin Zion: But why?
Sunny O’Callahan: Why? WHY?
Sunny faces the camera with steely eyes and an indignantly pissed off expression.
Sunny O’Callahan: I’ll tell you WHY, Darin. Because Rah fired me. That’s right. RAH FIRED ME! Tossed me out as if I was yesterday’s garbage. ME! Sunny O’Callahan- the GREATEST wrestling mind… the GREATEST wrestling manager to ever grace a wrestling ring, thrown out on the street as if I was some common curtain jerking talent enhancement loser. Oh yeah. I admit it. I enjoyed every second of Rah getting his ass kicked all over the ring by Sutler Kael at March to Glory. Not only did I enjoy it, I savored it because it proved beyond any shadow of a doubt that Rah was nothing… NOTHING… without ME… Sunny O’Callahan… in his corner. But no, that wasn’t enough. No. I wanted vengeance for what he did to me. I vowed that I would show him… I would show EVERYONE… that Rah threw away the best wrestling manager he’ll ever set eyes on. So I sued Rah for unlawful termination in a California court and thought I was a shoe-in to get justice, to get even with Rah through the legal system…
Rah Makes Quick Cameo at HOW Refueled 66 – July 3rd, 2021
The San Diego Municipal Courtroom. We see Rah sitting at a desk next to what appears to be a high-priced attorney. Even more peculiar about this random cut scene is the fact that Rah is actually wearing an expensive suit. Rah sees the HOTv cameraman and tries to shoo him away with his regal hand.
Rah: No no. Rah cannot talk right now.
***
Sunny O’Callahan: …but unfortunately, I didn’t count on Sports Entertainment Barbie, Blaire Moise, and Dawn McGill ganging up against me at the trial… I mean, thanks bitches for having a fellow bitch’s back. So after that plan crashed and burned ingloriously at the litigation level, I plotted my next move and came up with this overly convoluted scheme to take some loser scrub I found on the scrap heap and scuffling at the bottom of the MVW totem pole and use my talent and leadership skills to make him into a real big-time wrestler to show Rah just what he was missing out on. I mean, hell, if John Sektor picked up Adam Ellis out of the bottom scrapings of MVW’s primordial bottom of the barrel and now he’s won a match at HOFC 1, why couldn’t I- Sunny O’Callahan- wrestling’s greatest mind… and body…
O’Callahan does a quick hip shift back and forth.
Sunny O’Callahan: …and the best damn wrestling manager ever do the exact same thing?
She stops and takes a breath.
Sunny O’Callahan: By the way, how many words am I at?
Ray McAvay: I gotcha at three hundred and fifty-four.
Sunny O’Callahan: Oh okay.
Ray McAvay: Just as a reference, HOFC maxes their promos at 750 words so you’ve got plenty of words to go.
Sunny O’Callahan: Gotcha.
Sunny shifts back into full promo mode.
Sunny O’Callahan: But NOOOOOO. That fucking idiot Marty Pratt fucked everything all to hell and lost to you in seven fucking seconds. All of my plans. My revenge on Rah. Gone in SEVEN. FUCKING. SECONDS! MARTY RUINED EVERYTHING!
She sighs. And calms down.
Sunny O’Callahan: So I decided to make a run for it.
Sunny turns to McAvay with a nasty sneer and her bitterness rises to the surface.
Sunny O’Callahan: And I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for your meddling kids!
***
Soon afterwards, the fire department arrives to put out the car fire and a tow truck transports the burned-out hulk to a tow yard.
O’Callahan sticks her head out of the back door window of a deputy sheriff’s vehicle…
Sunny O’Callahan: FUCK YOU RAH! THIS ISN’T OVER YET! I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL- *BONK* OWWW!
…and subsequently her head smacks a nearby telephone pole close to the driveway as the vehicle backs up. Sunny is then summarily transported to a local jail.
Zion retrieves the toy van from the yard and gives it back to McAvay’s youngest daughter Karlie- age 4.
Darin Zion: Here’s your Mystery Machine.
Ray McAvay: Don’t you mean… (fake strange accent)… The MACHINE of MYSTERY?
Pause…
…
…
Then everyone breaks out laughing and we fade to black…
Fin.
Oh wait… no?
…
Oh.
…
Belay the whole fade to black thing because… back in the side yard…
The sound of agony rings through the air as Chester the Gardener hovers over the ‘lake of banishment’ where two hands again continue to clasp the edge of the wading pool trying to escape.
Chester the Gardener: I warned you! Don’t make me use this!
He shoves the electric cattle prod into the wading pool and turns on the juice. The two hands shake violently and a scream pierces the air.
Chester the Gardner: See? You made me use this!
Now we fade to black.
FIN… (for real).