Cracking News Network: WOTM Edition

A message from the editor.

We here at CNN all thought March To Glory was going to be the end of the line. We had the office packed up, and the gasoline siphoned from Cracking News One. We were both feet out the door and happy to be so. Not because we didn’t enjoy our time covering High Octane, but because screw Cancer Jiles and his salty, Bandit killing ways.

The dirty prick that he is.

We couldn’t wait to see him with egg on his face even if that meant our demise.

Then…

We should have known better.

At March To Glory, The Big C saved his career from the clutches of The Collector, ended yet another untouchable streak, and became the First Bandit EVER to hold the High Octane World Championship. 

(You could argue that last distinction belongs to Max Shell, aka Max Kael, being he was a multi time World Champion at the time of his death. However, he’s dead so there’s no one left to argue.)

Most importantly, the crazy COOLYMPIAN actually called his shot. He did. He really did. Jiles said the reason for the Bandits breaking up was so that he’d be free of the ties that bound him. He “cracked the shell” so to speak so that he alone could go on and achieve what was otherwise impossible for him to do as a part of the group.

It sounded ridiculous at first.

Shit it still does.

But…

You can’t argue with Result.

After pointing out at the bleachers, Cancer Jiles stands above everyone else as the High Octane Champion of the World. 

That’s quite the accomplishment. 

Matter of fact, that’s quite the career defining, dare we say Hall of Fame worthy accomplishment. As such, we have changed our tune at CNN. The sour taste that was once in our mouth when mentioning The World Champion and anything around him has henceforth been replaced by a refreshingly salty one. He has more than redeemed himself in our eyes, and we are sorry for ever having doubted him.

Never again.

As a way of making it up to him we have enlisted the services of Scott Stevens to assist us in our new quest and goal of getting Cancer Jiles, First Bandit to be High Octane World Champion, Stopper of Records, Salter of Shoes and Chins, into the High Octane Hall of Fame.

Other Notes:

-We have parted ways with Scott Stevens.

-Dan Ryan continues to thrive in his role as secondary punchline after surviving his tumultuous, life or death holy war against Brain Hollywood.

-According to a source with his throat close to the situation, “Steve Harrison’s feet stink.”

-Seems that dust balls are replacing the moth balls in the Best Alliance.

-We wish Zeb Martin nothing but the best.

-Somehow, Teddy Palmer managed to bottle California Sunshine. However, due to a union labor dispute it remains stored away on warehouse shelves.

-Once upon a time a merry “band” was too “it” for Lady Troy.

-Bobby Who?