Cracking News

Before getting to it we here at the Cracking News Network would like to wish everyone a happy and yolky new year. We’d also like to say that even though the Bandits might have cracked into separate shells, we still continue on.

We must.

And we will.

That said, the first round of the Denucci Cup has come and gone. Let’s check in and see how some of the old gang fared.

First, at Refueled 48, Zeb Martin faced off against a Buddhist monk named Teddy Palmer. Turns out Palmer also happened to be a former LBI winner so the Denucci Cup was his kind of anal bead and Zeb was unable to advance. The upstart was said to be in good spirits following the match and that he looked forward to continuing his floundering career in High Octane Wrestling with his sister Kendra by his side.

The next Bandit up was Bobby Dean who squared off against Simon Loveless at Refueled 49. Both men were returning after stints away from High Octane action. Bob, fearless as ever and as Cancer Jiles put it, “Looking good”, went into the HOFC cage full of false confidence and jinxed pep. However, it was not enough for the Beautiful One and his Championship dreams vanished before they could even begin.

Lastly, it was The Grand Maestro’s turn. His opponent, an old acquaintance that goes by the name of Scottywood. So yeah, a little history between them to say the least. Sadly, Jiles proved to be out of tune and unable to buck the Bandit trend; eventually falling to his former tag team partner in the third round of the Refueled 49 Main Event. And by falling I mean he got knocked the fuck out by the Hardcore Artisan. No strings.

And now a special treat, Cardboard Doozer joins our Denucci Cup coverage to take a live look at his old pals upcoming second round matchups….

 

 

Poop.

 

…and that’ll do it for the Cracking News Network’s coverage of this year’s Denucci Cup. Good luck and GOD bless the remaining contestants.

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Other notes:

-Steve Harrison once held a grudge for over ten years. Much to everyone’s chagrin it was not over a cow and nor was it milk related.

-For those of you confused, Steve Harrison is a wrestler in High Octane Wrestling. You can see him competing in the second round of the Denucci Cup this Saturday Night on HOTv.

-If you replace the lemonade with zebra urine and keep the ice t unsweetened you have the Teddy Palmer Refreshment Drink.

-With the win over Bob, Simon’s last name will now change to Loveequal. While a loss in the next round would bring him back down to Loveless, a win however would change his last name to Lovemore. If he wins while under the Lovemore moniker the creative scale of knowledge gets broken and the universe collapses into Bobby Dean’s belly button. Could make for quite the third round should he continue to make love to the High Octane roster.

-IPA stock is up. All of them. Every season.

-After being woken up and helped to the back by High Octane officials, a scrambled Cancer Jiles spoke briefly to Blaire Moise. He was said to be incoherent and blamed Bobby Dean for his first round exit before slipping on a banana peel.

“This is all Bobby’s fault. I can’t believe I wasted all my luck on him and he still lost. I knew right then I was doomed, and low and behold I got hit in the head with a fucking hockey puck. Lucky me. Never again. High Octane is no longer big enough for the both of us, Blaire. Something’s got to give and I know just what to do. WHOAAAA~~~!!!!!!!!”