On August 8th everyone bore witness to a new business relationship.
As The Minister walked down to the ring to make us care about Darin Matthews and Mike Best wrestling each other, Jack Marley and I brought upon the world the newest product of Miracle Enterprise.
Miracle Enterprise Presents: Minister Holy Water.
Only $10 a bottle.
The Minister personally prayed with each bottle. It does not get any Holier than this amazing water.
Get each Minister Mechanical Eye Color labelled bottle.
We have Yellow.
We have Blue
And of course, we have everyone’s favorite:
The live crowd did not take to it as well as we had hoped but backstage all the faithful bought them all up. In thirty minutes, The Minister and I came away with a nice $500 each.
It was market research done at a level that mere wrestlers in HOW could not understand. The Minister has a flock of believers and a few mannequins with 24K masks on that for some reason had The Minister Holy Water in their hands as well. That is beside the point, because what we learned that night is these people need the Holy Water to progress in the Church of The Minister.
Maybe The Minister prays on more water…
Maybe I use this as an opportunity to increase the price…
There are some business ideas you just don’t say out loud.
The Miracle Man has not become this great by spoiling his own ideas out loud to a bunch of back water savages that infest the wrestling business.
Do not fret though, if you want some Minister Holy Water and cannot wait, we are taking orders over the phone. Jack Marley will get your information and the next day you will receive the nourishment you desire. Dial 1-703-649-2568 (MIXALOT) and kick those nasty thoughts, baby got Holy Water.
Ugh, that is the last time I let Jack come up with a call phrase when he is high and listening to Sir Mix A-Lot.
The Holy Water is good for everyone and most wrestlers. Let’s be honest some of these morons are beyond saving at this point.
The Holy Water can help you beat your addictions:
I am looking at The Hollywood Bruvs here. You can finally put down those disgusting frapes and by doing so become more then just mere mannequins in The Ministers circle of greatness.
It can help you with your ailments or what has held you back from being your better self.
Eric Dane will be reborn with a new neck, but unfortunately, he will still be a piece of shit.
Andy Murray can come back with a new knee because I do not give a shit about Cayle Murray, does anyone?
Lindzzzzeeee Troy, I am sorry, it cannot make you young again, but it can help all your injuries and fix your soul from your cocaine dick encounters with Mike Best. You also seriously need to hide that Adams apple better.
Sorry Bobby Dean, it cannot fix broken penises or lack of talent or being a pedophile, fuck this list is way too long to ponder on, especially for MJF’s favorite wrestler.
High Flyer, it can help you finally retire.
Dan Ryan, it can help you squash boulders with your mere hands. I am not talking shit about this madman.
It can help me learn the name of that thing that has watched TRON far too many times.
Hughie Freeman can bust out of jail and show his LOVE to everyone by just drinking this Miracle Enterprise Minister Holy Water.
Fuck you, Doozer, your parents hate you. But with Holy Water…they might tolerate you.
Darin Matthews Zion Babylon dipshit do wop diddy, this Great Water can make you pick a fucking lane and stay in it… for over a month!
Zeb or Jeb or whatever the fuck who cares Martin, I am going to poison all the fish in the world with…HOLY WATER! You are welcome.
The one thing this great product will not even try to do is take an Asterix away from Cancer Jiles LSD title victory.
eGG Bandits live off the help of others and Cancer Jiles is no different. If you want to rid yourself of that doubt that is screaming in the back of your mind at you, I am here to listen.
The Miracle Man
Come get your Holy Water.
Buy it all.
Be one with faith.
Apologies if I did not mention you in how it can help you. You either suck, have no personality, or you are Mike Best who I have been told will be handled by The Minister.