Cracking News

The Heart of Banditi has been returned!

And.

They came. They saw.

He conquered.

Before we get to the action in the ring, an update on CBD. The Bruv’s buckled after only a week of the pliable bandit in their possession. Was it because of The Maestro’s unseen meddling and the promise of more to come? Or was it because The Hollywood Bruv’s are grown ups who handle their business as such?

Time will tell.

However, The Bruvs did not fail to leave their mark. CBD was returned inside a cardboard coffin, cut into hundreds of tiny pieces.

There has been no timetable set for his return.

And now for the action in the ring.

Doozer and Zeb walked the walk, taking down the BOF-WOF(Best of Friends – Worst of Friends). It was a competitive match, and both Bandits were happy to walk away with victory. As for BOF-WOF, only a magic 8-ball knows where the next step in their ever changing, dynamic relationship will lead.

Next, it was The Maestro’s turn to hold court. His opponent, Dan Ryan, had other plans. And those plans involved pain. However, after receiving what one Bandit insider claimed to be definitely a top five, possibly top three beating of a lifetime; in the blink of an eye the ever resilient Maestro stole victory out from underneath the clutches of despair. The insider also insisted upon adding how impressive the thorough decimation was, especially when taking into account some of the epic, unflattering, career threatening, sometimes life taking, beatings he(Jiles) has been on the wrong side of throughout his career.

And in the Main Event, under the intense watch of a sold out audience, “Beautiful” Bobby Dean faced off against Mike Best. On the line, Mike’s High Octane World Heavyweight Championship. Though his effort was valiant, and his might, mighty; in the end Bobby failed to chew the fat off of Champion. After an act being referred to in Bandit circles as, “The Bite”, Mike escaped the clutches of Bobby’s famed Danshoku Driver and was able to muster the will to clamp down and forge forward to victory. Bobby, while down about the result, was happy not to be in a medically induced coma after the match.

Other notes:

Bobby Dean had his nose reset and is expected to make a beautiful recovery.

Jiles spent the last two nights at Northwestern Memorial. He is set to be discharged tomorrow. Reports coming out of the hospital say that he only remembers bits and pieces of the match, and that he suffered a partially collapsed lung from the trauma of it.

It’s rumored Doozer carried Jiles directly to the hospital all by himself after the Ryan/Jiles bout, uphill.

Another rumor floating around the hospital water cooler is that Dan Ryan beat up Jiles so badly that The Maestro aged all of the years Dan shaved from his bio. The supposed confirmation of this is The Maestro’s hair has turned silver, like the sly fox that he is. While not thrilled about the new look, Jiles did say he was thankful he still wasn’t as old as Doozer.

Doozer is still old. Older, actually.

The total count of CBD pieces is 187. That is 185 more pieces than words in RICK’s vocabulary. Work on the reconstruction project has been arduous, and progress slow… on both fronts.

Cecilworth FartheGGton still claims he was seated for the entirety of his color commentary. He may or may not know who he is facing this week in the main event. Or about the match itself.

Eric Dane, still on probation, seems to have recently found faith.

Steven Harrison remains in need of a miracle.

HOW plans to open a Spirit of Halloween store inside the Allstate Arena in light of the holiday coming early.

Kris seems nice.

CBR is still explaining his outfit. The hope is eventually he will tell us if we should be worried about why he is here.

Hughie Freeman remains marooned on the Island of Alcatraz. Him and his penmanship are adapting to life on the island quite nicely.

Last but not least, Perfection looks fat on tv.