Hi there, this is Jack Dawson, with HOWrestling.com. I recently sat down for an interview with HOW’s self-proclaimed Miracle Man, Steve Harrison.
Steve Harrison: So–I have to open the door myself?
The door swings open and Steve Harrison walks in and slams the door behind him with an annoyed grunt following. He turns to see Jack Dawson and shakes his head seeing Jack sitting in his chair and not ushering him to his seat. Steve shrugs and walks over to the chair staring at Jack that whole time with the same level of concentration as Max Stryker when he sees a bathing suit photo of Mike Best. He sits down and takes a bottle of water out of his cargo shorts and takes a big sip.
Jack Dawson: Welcome to the show Mr. Harrison.
Steve Harrison: Is it, Jack? God, I HATE that name. Don’t get me started on your last name. It is too close to some other guy I know (laughs). I would expect someone to let me in, show me to my chair, and offer me something from catering. By the looks of things you are an unprepared bumbling clown.
Jack looks at Steve with a puzzled look.
Jack Dawson: Who pissed in your cereal this morning? Did security have your car towed for parking in the handicap parking spot space again?
Steve Harrison: I expect a certain amount of respect when a Miracle shows up, Mr. Dawson. As for my breakfast I prefer a good Western Omelet, I am certain the eGG Bandits just collectively got hard.
Dawson shakes his head.
Jack Dawson: You mention you HATE my name? Why is that? And speaking of HATE? Are you planning on joining Scottywood’s band of misfits?
Steve Harrison: No comment on my hatred for your name. I see–it just takes a little mention of HATE to get you to bite at starting some rumor. In that regard if I decide to say RRRIIIICCCKKK, you will suddenly think I like my balls being stepped on by a crossdresser while I stuff my face with hotdogs. But let me give you a small break and just tell you that Steve Harrison is only aligned with Miracle Enterprise.
Jack Dawson: Before we get into your current affairs in HOW, give the fans who might not know you a little bit of information about yourselves. What companies have you wrestled in? What are some of your biggest accomplishments? Biggest matches? Etc.
Steve Harrison: I am the Miracle Man back from a sabbatical. My career in wrestling was short because of things out of my control. I am sure I won a bunch of matches and won a million titles but I really cannot remember so far back in HOSTILITY, JUST, and AWC. My biggest matches do not exist because facing ME is everyone else’s biggest match. I guess that would make every match I am involved in a big match, but hey–who am I too toot my own horn, eh, Jacky Poo?
Jack Dawson: So you’re related to Max Stryker.
Jack makes a note.
Jack Dawson: Seriously, this is what this interview is all about Mr. Harrison. To give you an outlet to toot your own horn.
Harrison stares angrily at Jack after the Max Stryker comment and looks down and pretends to make a note himself on an invisible paper with invisible pen.
Steve Harrison: I can also pretend to write shit down to make myself feel important.
Jack sighs before continuing.
Jack Dawson: From what you just stated, everyone who faces you is the biggest match in your opponent’s career, is that correct.
Jack Dawson: The reason why I ask is because a lot of people who have come into HOW have said the same thing and a lot of those people crashed and burned and are no longer around. What makes you different?
Steve Harrison: (Leans forward) A willingness to help everyone for as long as it takes me and of course to HELP everyone is to help myself first.
Jack Dawson: I see, now since coming to HOW you haven’t had good luck with management have you?
Harrison takes a sip of his water and looks around the room with an annoyed look on his face.
Steve Harrison: Look, Jack–I am not even sure who runs this insane asylum. Lee Best is off getting drunk and watching Hentai, for all I know. Then we have Scottywood doing fuck knows what but letting a third owner in to shake things up. (Steve pretends to have a seizure) So to answer your question, sure.
Jack Dawson: I mean you felt the breaking news of your signing wasn’t as grand as you wanted.
Steve Harrison: That was Rebecca’s fault, I take such great care of her and she shows me zero respect.
Steve nods agreeing with himself actually believing he doesn’t drive Rebecca bonkers.
Jack Dawson: You had security confiscate your Miracle Enterprise Merchandise and the fans threw your Miracle Pamphlets back at you as you made you walk to the ring.
Steve Harrison: Is that a question? What dumpster did High Octane Wrestling find you sleeping in? You, sleeping on grimy wet newspapers as you feed on the maggots that in turn are feeding on rotten Arbys. I mean–damn–you are the worst. Then an empty bottle of cheap hooch hits your sleeping head and surprise–it is Lee Best drunk and dreaming of Max Kael’s #97Red eye staring sexually at him. The details on why he hired you speaks for itself, right?
Jack lets out a sigh, and he slowly shakes his head.
Jack Dawson: Actually Steve, I was agreeing with the disrespect that you have been showing, but I guess you’ll probably blame Rebecca for your comments being taken out of context.
Steve Harrison nods with a smirk on his face not selling Jack Dawson’s sarcasm.
Steve Harrison: Exactly, Jack. I am glad we are finally coming to an understanding.
Jack Dawson: Now, before we get into your match against Hollywood. Care to tell us what Miracle Enterprise is and why you have come to save HOW?
Steve Harrison: Excellent question, Jack. Miracle Enterprise is a grand business opportunity for all of humankind. I have items from all over the world that can help people in their time of need. All it takes is your checkbook and a phone call to yours truly. I will get you on the way and in doing so you will feel the hand of kindness on your shoulder from the great Steve Harrison. HOW is just the beginning, Jack. I believed if I can help this place I can help just about any other place. HOW is full of the selfish, the greedy, the old, the cowardly, the stupid, and whatever the fuck Lucian was. When I bring the light of the Miracle Man down upon HOW we will all praise ME together.
Jack taps his pen on his notebook.
Jack Dawson: Care to tell everyone that phone number as well as the cost of each Miracle you will be providing?
Steve Harrison: Cost is always different depending on what Miracle is required. I cannot give a blanket cost for something unknown. My services can be inquired by texting 703-945-9500. I have someone always ready to help.
Jack Dawson: Also, careful with the praising thing because there is only one GOD and Kneesus Christ and if you’re not too careful you could get a ballpoint pen to the eye or a knee to the face.
Harrison laughs and shrugs at Jack.
Steve Harrison: I am not claiming to be a God, Jack. Heh. If there is anyone who happens to feel threatened or stepped upon by my existence that is their problem…not mine.
Jack Dawson: Moving forward, you made your debut against Brian Hollywood.
Steve Harrison: You mean I defeated Brian Hollywood in my debut.
Jack Dawson: Hollywood is a former two World champion and holder of many other championships in High Octane Wrestling. Were you nervous about facing a competitor with the pedigree as Hollywood?
Steve Harrison: I did my research on Mr. Hollywood. I knew about his past but this is ‘a what are you doing NOW business,’ not a walk down memory lane. I told him I am not a pawn in his redemption story and I proved it. I told him before the match that if he wanted to evolve that all he had to do was ask me. Instead he devolved into a child and had a hissyfit after our match. He had his chance because after Darin Matthews beats him he will not have ME to help him become something better.
Jack Dawson: So Brian Hollywood burnt his bridges with Miracle Enterprises?
Steve Harrison: Lets just say he is not allowed to text the hotline.
Jack Dawson: What if he offered you a price you couldn’t resist?
Steve Harrison: Hehe, never say never–I guess?
Jack Dawson: War Games is on the horizon and you had just missed out on one of the biggest pay-per-views of the year. My question to you is will you be there in some capacity?
Steve Harrison: Unfortunately for the public, I will not be attending War Games. Unless…of course I am asked to show up by someone.
Jack Dawson: Who might that be?
Jack asks with curiosity in his tone.
Steve Harrison: No-No, Jack. There isn’t a who in this scenario. If for some reason someone and by that I mean–anyone offers me a lot of money I will see what I can do.
Jack Dawson: I see. Even though you aren’t competing at War Games who are you keeping your eye on? Any one or any champion in specific?
Steve Harrison: The Minister Max Kael has definitely caught both my eyes’ attention.
Jack Dawson: Any particular reason why?
Steve Harrison: Hmmph. Unfortunately that maniac and I have a few things in common. This is not a Steve Harrison endorsement but it is neither me wanting to take a title from him. Lets just say I have an odd respect for the man and leave it at that.
Jack Dawson: Fair enough. Normally I like to hear people’s opinion of different HOW personalities through word association.
Steve Harrison: Quick words that come to mind?
Jack Dawson: Yes.
Jack Dawson: Lee Best?
Steve Harrison: Genius! (wink, wink, straight pandering).
Jack Dawson: Mike Best?
Steve Harrison: Asshole, by the way that isn’t necessarily bad.
Jack Dawson: Max Kael?
Steve Harrison: Very Interesting.
Jack Dawson: Max Stryker?
Steve Harrison: Better than Mike Best.
Jack Dawson: Dan Ryan?
Steve Harrison: Aging Monster.
Jack Dawson: Andy Murray?
Steve Harrison: Pill Popping even more homeless Jesus.
Jack Dawson: Hollywood Bruvs?
Steve Harrison: Strippies.
Jack Dawson: Lindsay Troy?
Steve Harrison: Snu-snu. If you need reference, google is your friend.
Jack Dawson: Darin Zion?
Steve Harrison: Hollywood Killer.
Jack Dawson: The eGG Bandits?
Steve Harrison: Ugh, next.
Jack Dawson: Joe Bergman?
Steve Harrison: Too Kind.
Jack Dawson: Steve Harrison?
Steve Harrison: (Smirks) everything.
Jack Dawson: Thanks for coming on.
Steve waves him off.
Steve Harrison: Sorry, I almost forgot, someone tell that perverted Jabba the Hut looking Bobby Dean to fuck off. I still haven’t seen him since I got to HOW. Other than that, I look forward to saving all the HOW wrestlers and embracing them within my comfortable grasp.