Hi there, this is Jack Dawson, with HOWrestling.com. I recently sat down for an interview with The eGG Bandits: Cool Cancer Jiles, Bobby Dean, and Doozer. It was, something else to say the least.
Jack Dawson: Welcome to the show Bandits.
Jiles: Thanks for having us, Jim.
Jack scrunches his face.
Jack Dawson: Before we get into what happened on the last show, give the fans who might not know you a little bit of information about yourselves. What companies have you wrestled in? What are some of your biggest accomplishments? Biggest matches? Etc.
Jiles: Is this guy serious? Jim, are you serious?
Jack Dawson: Yes, and it’s Jack.
After a vehement one-sided exchange, Jiles abruptly stands from his chair and exits.
Jack Dawson: That’s not cool.
Bobby Dean: Guess I’ll take this one, Joe. I’d hate for this thing to spiral on you. For that lonely, unfortunate plebeian living underneath a rock, we are the eGG Bandits! That’s little e, two big ass Gs. It’s silly how some people still don’t get that!
Doozer nods his head while Jack can’t help but roll his eyes.
Bobby Dean: We fooled half of the High Octane roster at last year’s War Games! We have wrapped our hands around the sweet, delicious grilled cheese sandwich known as Tag Team Wrestling and devoured it whole. We also egg people because why the fuck not? How else can you steal one’s soul and have so much fun doing it? I’ll wait.
A few seconds passed.
Bobby Dean: Eggsactly. As far as personal accomplishments are concerned, I once ate an entire pizza in eight seconds flat. I know what you’re thinking, Joe. A slice a second? Bobby, that sounds impossible. And Joe, you’d be eggsactly right. But then again, that’s also what The eGG Bandits do. The impossible.
Doozer: How else would– forget it. For me? I’ve been around, to say the least. My mainstay, and fondest memories, will always reside at Dream Wrestling. Won every belt they had, got inducted into their Hall, had the pleasure of whooping Mike Best’s ass before he took that silly last name… I could go on, but it’d take all day man.
Bobby Dean snaps out of his Dooze-induced snooze after a loud snore wakes himself up.
Bobby Dean: I liked him better when he was Mike P. and was punting those cunts. But then he finds out his momma was a little loosey goosey, and suddenly he’s a Best. Bring back the P! Hey, that should be a sign on the next show!
Jack Dawson: Before your surprise return in the Tag title match, the last time we saw ya’ll in HOW was during the relaunch of HOW. You won the Tag titles at War Games and then you developed a losing streak and then you left.
Doozer: Uh, that’s not really a question, Jack.
Jack Dawson: Fine. Why did you leave?
Doozer: Next question.
Jack Dawson: Too afraid to answer the question?
Doozer: No. But this run is about leaving the past right where it is: in the rearview. The involved parties all know, and only they need to know. The Bandits are only looking ahead from here on. You could say, we’re on to Cincinnati.
Jack Dawson: Why did you come back to HOW then? Why didn’t you go back to other familiar places and owners?
Doozer: Because we needed to get Doug back.
Jack Dawson: Doug? Who’s Doug?
Doozer, blue eyes laser-focused on Jack, cracks a short smile.
Jack Dawson: Okay, then. Well… with your return, you specifically targeted Red and Ted, as well as the Group of Death. Are you making it known you want the tag titles?
Doozer: We were, and we will continue making it known that no man, woman, or child is safe from the Bandits. We don’t care if you’re the World Champion, the janitor, The Points Leader of the Kostoff group, Stevens, a Best, who_the_fuck_ever. You get in our way, and you get on our list that we DON’T check twice… then you get yolked. And yes, we also want the titles back. OUR… titles back!
Jack Dawson: The Bandits putting everyone on notice..
Doozer lowers his head slightly in confirmation.
Jack Dawson: Now I’ve got to ask, Bobby, are you signed with HOW? Considering the deal made between you and Lee Best concerning your weight. I think it’s safe to say you don’t look to be 250lbs.
Bobby Dean: I got backdoored!
Jack Dawson: Excuse me?
Doozer: He means, because the eGG Bandits signed as a conglomerate, he’s technically signed. A nifty little loophole we found.
The Dooze channels his best Cancer Jiles with a quick head-tilt, wink, smirk combo.
Bobby Dean: I still don’t think this has anything to do with Africa, but Dooze sure does love to use that big Congo word when he talks about our contract situation.
Bobby shrugs. Jack shakes his head and marches forward.
Jack Dawson: With the emergence of 24K, some of you have history with them. Is there collusion going on with you and them? Is that why you really interfered in the Main Event of last show?
Bobby Dean: I, for one, love me some Mikey Money! WTFC! The others, I can do without.
Doozer: Ignore my fat friend here. IF, and that’s a big if, there were anything between us and them, would we tell you about it?
Jack Dawson: Yes. Yes you would and because of what you did, do you feel there is now a target on your backs?
Doozer: Last I checked, we are the ones holding the eggs. We are the ones setting the targets. WE… are the Bandits, Jack. eGG Bandits, if you already forgot.
Bobby Dean: That’s little e, followed by two big ass Gs! Wait, did we just hit the restart button on this interview? Should I tell Cancer to come back?
Doozer: Don’t bother. He had a hair appointment. Anywho, I think that’s all for today, Jack. Oh, and have fun cleaning your car.
Jack Dawson: Well thank you….for….your…..WHAT?!?!?!?!?
Jack yells as he gets up and exits really quick to go check on his car.