A sit-down interview with The Only Star at Silky O’Sullivan’s
High Octane Wrestling’s newest and most intrepid of grappling journalists, Cassie Walsh, was able to catch up with The Industry’s Eric Dane this afternoon as he had an early dinner on his way out of Memphis. The meeting almost didn’t happen, as Dane has a history of hating Memphis with a passion and wanting absolutely nothing to do with the city, but he’d taken a liking to Ms. Walsh at Chaos and decided to throw her a bone.
When she found him at Silky O’Sullivan’s he was having dinner in what passes for a quiet corner of the downtown pub, music was playing and people were rushing every which way. To say that the interview was challenging might have been an understatement. Ever the hard-nosed professional, Cassie knew that this was a great chance to get a headline story on the dot.com and she made it her business to get the goods.
The Only Star sipped at his Hurricane, washing down the last bite of his Memphis BBQ Benedict with the boozy, rum-soaked libation. Cassie waited patiently, understanding that small talk would get her nowhere. Patiently she waited until Eric Dane looked like he was good and ready to speak.
Cassie Walsh: Breakfast for dinner?
Eric Dane: A man’s gotta eat.
Cassie Walsh: In a bar?
Eric Dane: Is this really what you want to waste your time on? My choice of eatery? I thought you were better than that.
Cassie Walsh: Fair enough. How does it feel to be ½ of the HOW Tag Team Champions?
Eric Dane: Fan-the-fuck-tastic! All I’ve been screaming since I got here was that I wanted to represent the company as one of its best, and now I’ve got the gold to prove it.
Cassie Walsh: Care to address the whispers that you went after those belts because you can’t hack it on your own anymore?
Eric Dane: I do not.
Cassie Walsh: Alright then, what about the Freebird Rule? Any thoughts on that?
Eric Dane: Understand this, Eric motherfuckin’ Dane won the HOW Tag Titles by punching Darin Zion in the dick, that makes me the fuckin’ champ. If Mike says that we’re all the champs, then we’re all the champs, I’m happy as I can be to defend these belts with any member of The Industry, and to be perfectly honest I doubt there are two people in this business who can beat any two members of The Industry. Especially when one of them is going to be me.
Cassie Walsh: You’ll be defending those belts with Lindsay Troy against two as of yet unnamed members of The Order at Rumble at the Rock, care to give your thoughts on any of that?
Eric Dane: Don’t sleep on The Queen, she’s as dangerous as anybody in The Industry and twice as cunning. She hits like a Mack fuckin’ truck, too. I’ll go to war with Lindz and day of the week and twice on Sunday, and I can guarantee you it’ll end with blood, broken bodies, and retained Tag Team Titles. As far as The Order goes… Fuck, I dunno, we beat ’em, they get a rematch, I don’t really give a shit which two it ends up being, every last one of them has a real fuckin’ big life-lesson coming their way if they think they’re ever gonna change anybody’s mind about them.
Cassie Walsh: And that is?
Eric Dane: That they’re all a bunch of guppies, scrappin’ for scraps in an ocean full of sharks.
Cassie Walsh: That’s an interesting way of putting it.
Eric Dane: What can I say? I’m an interesting guy.
Cassie Walsh: Moving right along, your match is being advertised as a Guard Tower Match, any idea what that’s all about? Have you ever even heard of a Guard Tower Match?
Eric Dane: Gotta be honest here, no, I have not. I’ve got no actual fuckin’ clue what it’s all about. I know Mike, though, and like his father before him, I know that he loves a good spectacle. With any luck at all, it means that I’ll get to chuck Darin Zion off a fuckin’ guard tower and all the way over the cliff down into the bay below. That’d be a fuckin’ Signature HOW Moment right there, am I right?
Cassie Walsh: Speaking of Zion, I think you may have broken something inside of his head with one of those Starbreaker Knees last night, he absolutely flipped his lid in a post-match interview with Brian Bare. Thoughts on that?
Eric Dane: Darin Zion is almost the man that Darin Zion wants Darin Zion to be.
Cassie Walsh: Excuse me?
Eric Dane: I mean he’s in his own fuckin’ head, and he’s got people like Brian Hollywood in his ear giving him shitty advice that’s going to get his career shortened before he can ever get it straightened out. If you really want my opinion I think that guy needs a therapist and a handful of prescription medication to get that head of his rewired back into something that resembles a functioning member of society. After that we can work on relevance, and how to achieve it.
Cassie Walsh: Sounds like your guidance could be a boon to his career.
Eric Dane: Of course it could. Just look at MJ Flair for reference.
Cassie Walsh: I feel like there’s a “but” coming.
Eric Dane: But… he listens to assholes and hangs out with idiots. Seriously, who’s helping who in that group? If you ask me it looks like they’re all failing together without anybody’s help at all. I know I sure as shit ain’t gonna help anybody that can’t figure out that throwing in with fuckwits like Scottywood and Scott Stevens was a bad fuckin’ idea!
Cassie Walsh: Speaking of Scottywood-
Eric Dane: [interrupting] Could we just not?
Cassie Walsh: You brought him up.
Eric Dane: Fine.
Cassie Walsh: He had a lot to say about you in his segment last night. Care to retort?
Eric Dane: I’ll say this about Scotty and then I’m done with the guy. We could have sold a fuckload of Pay-Per-View buys if he’d only had the sack to finish his little piss-baby rant by actually challenging me to a fight. So what’s he do? After pulling all the necessary strings and favors that he had left to get his medically incapable ass cleared and to blow it all out like the true fuckin’ rock-and-roll Viking fuckin’ warrior that he desperately wants everyone to see him as, he goes on LIVE TELEVISION and cries about me for ten solid fucking minutes proving once and for all that I’m living rent-free in his nightmares, and then gets all puffed up and challenges… Scott Stevens?
Cassie Walsh: You’d rather that he challenged you?
Eric Dane: Christ no! I’d rather he died of alcohol poisoning, that’s not the point.
Cassie Walsh: Well? What’s is it then?
Eric Dane: The point is that the most over he’s ever been outside of over-rated was the day the doctor told him his career was over because The Only Star curb-stomped his teeth down his throat and buried a knee upside his head. Do you even kind of comprehend how much heat we’d have gotten with that? We could have sold out Mars! Instead, his on-again-off-again BFF turns him down for the prom again and now he’s just standing there with his dick in his hand while I’m revitalizing and revolutionizing the Tag Team division in HOW.
Cassie Walsh: And, so?
Eric Dane: So like I already said, he’s a giant fuckin’ piss-baby, and I’m done wasting my time on him.
Cassie Walsh: Well then. Any final thoughts before we wrap this up and hit the road toward Detroit?
Eric Dane: Fuck Detroit, I’m going home. I won’t set foot in that city any longer than it takes me to take a cab from the tarmac to the stadium at call-time. As for a final thought, sure, I got something you can print on your website.
Cassie Walsh: Go right ahead.
Eric Dane: There ain’t a single fuckin’ person in High Octane Wrestling, from Mike Best to Darin fuckin’ Zion to the asshole sellin’ the popcorn that Dan Ryan tossed him through that knows exactly what The Industry is capable of. Together. Apart. Any combination. We’re division-killers and we’re here for all of your shiny belts and if anybody out there, from Planned Parenthood Jiles to any of those “dudes who kick it with Sektor or whatever” to ANY. FUCKING. BODY. If you think you want a shot at the goddamned titles or if you just wanna get beat up because you’re ugly, none of the five of us are ever hard to find.
And that was that. Dane paid, stiffed the tip, and left.