Playing With The Benchwarmers

winning mentality..

We apologize that we don’t have custom made t-shirts so you can label the shit. And some depressing heavy metal music to play us down to ringside. Let us guess: Loser By Beck? Yeah, if we let the fucking regime have their own way.

So what? You’re gunna commercialize us like I’m Father Christmas and Stevens is Rudolf? Get to fuck. We have no ambitions to be your prom queens or your performing monkeys.

You say: dance monkey dance. We say: die monkey die.

We’re a tag team. A true proper tag team. And don’t let our social standings in HOW tell you any different.

We are: Benchwarmers.

So with all the jocks and dudesters (and fatties) in the match that want to remain completely ignorant to our cohesive team unit then don’t come crying back to the bench come the final whistle. Because there’s no more space left on the bench for you obvious complete badasses.

Because trust us; warming the bench will never be popular. And please, spare The Benchwarmers the pleasantries.. we prefer it that way.

For The Benchwarmers are an exclusive club; I’m Alfalfa and Stevens is Spanky. A cool guys hating club.. and using our undoubted unpopularity as our virtue.

No one likes us, no one likes us,
No one likes us, we don’t care,
We are Benchwarmers, super Benchwarmers,
We are Benchwarmers, from the Bench

I remained happy with our progress. Stevens and I had been through a whole heap together.. through camping, police chasers, and a huge emotional rollercoaster to boot.

Trust had been tested, but here we are.. still very much a well oiled machine. Still very much: The Benchwarmers.

We didn’t hate each other in the beginning. That’s so unfair to say. However, we’d been on such a journey you simply cannot deny. But by popular belief.. sorry, Zion belief. All of that doesn’t matter. Because he’s legit going to go through five other teams like he’s fucking Rambo.

Fuck, wait till LOD get wind of that game plan. Because it’ll be your own fucking funeral, Brave Zion.

He needs Noah just as much as I need Stevens. And Stevens needs me. And I’d honestly give Stevens my last chocolate Rolo at this point. Now would Stevens reciprocate? The man is his own man. But all of these tests that you all think are dumb serve a huge purpose on the road to War Games.

But that was Stevens all over. He is a tough nut to crack. His hard exterior presented a man that just didn’t give a fuck. However, inside.. I knew there was an excitable little Scotty Stevens just waiting to open his heart.


Sat on a bench; similar (if not the same) to the one O’Dell and Stevens have been carrying everywhere since the War Games fallout are just a couple of losers (including O’Dell, of course).

Stevens, meanwhile.. stands before them. He seems deep in thought as he examines the bench full of stars.

The stars include Jonny O’Dell (as mentioned), a ten year old boy weighing about 300lbs, a lifeless cod fish, a kid with an inhaler, a female dwarf, and at last but not least…. an amputee.

Stevens has a few stop/starts before finally speaking. He clearly is being meticulous in his decision. The selection seems crucial as behind Stevens are two jocks awaiting to commence a game of volleyball.

STEVENS: Is this necessary, O’Dell?

O’DELL: I need you to say it.

Stevens sighs. However, plays along and assesses his options along the bench yet again.

O’DELL: Fuck sake Stevens! What’s taking so long?

STEVENS: Okay, okay. I pick you.

O’Dell suddenly leaps off the bench and can’t hide his emotions as he cheers, passionately. Though, seemingly not wanting to hurt the feelings of the other Benchwarmers, he then shakes all of their hands. Not until being left in an uncomfortable position when he comes to the end of the bench with the amputee however.

Stevens picked me. He really really picked me. It sure feels great to be picked. I honestly didn’t know what that felt like until now.

But.. it’s nothing I’m used to, you know?

Unfortunately though, Veteran Jonny doesn’t fit the narrative. Even despite being the most in form worker on the whole entire roster; I’m not worthy enough of being picked.

But Stevens showed his faith in me and that’s something admirable.

CUT TO: The two jocks larking about in the background with a ball.

They look like two bandits I know. That toobular far out there gimmick I’ve grown to despise. Though, despite looking like a pair of wazzocks; they quite evidently have the respect from all around them. In that sense they remind me of LOD. Granted, there was only about six spectators.. respected all the same.

Were there girls there? Yeah, which is why we couldn’t act like a pair of Benchwarmers. We needed to act like the main event that we profess that we ought to be. Though, not to foolishly contradict myself on The Benchwarmer morale code; that didn’t seem as important.

You see, falling on my arse in some sand in front of some strangers wasn’t going to be the end of the world. Not with how The Benchwarmers had been treated on live HOTv programming prior to this event.

Now I had already experienced a winning mentality. It seemed to me Stevens had lost his way slightly. I get the hate, I get the: fuck you mentality. But we needed to nurture this winning mentality that was going to win the tag belts at War Games.

With that said, a volleyball gets smashed off the face of the fat kid that was sat on the bench. It had been used as a dodgeball as the jocks tries hurrying along the game. However, fatty bum bum couldn’t dodge it for a belly full of beans and jam pastries.

ZOOM IN: Obese kid flailing his arms and legs about on his back. Seemingly like he can’t self-right like a defeated tortoise.

This evokes an immediate response from O’Dell and Stevens. Almost like the mockery from the jocks have made this absolutely personal with them.

MONTAGE: Similar to that off of Top Gun. Similar? Okay, almost a complete rip-off with: Playing With The Boys music track playing in the background.

First service, and it doesn’t take long for the jocks to take the opening point. And of course, they aren’t modest in their celebration.

The montage keeps rolling as moments from HOW get spliced into the footage. Like the time when O’Dell had the ICON title battle royal won at Refueled II to only get screwed over. And a snippet of Stevens shock defeat to Darin Zion at Refueled VI.

The jock now twirls the volleyball on his finger, truly showboating. And it inevitably ends with Jonny O’Dell back on his backside with the jocks celebrating a second point against The Benchwarmers.

O’Dell looks demoralized. But…. what is this?! Stevens offers his hand to O’Dell. O’Dell then sharply goes from deflated to elated in a matter of seconds. A truly bold move from Stevens.

A snippet of Jonny O’Dell celebrating a victory over legendary HOW wrestler Chris Kostoff at Refueled VI appears in the montage.

O’Dell and Stevens resume play and at the end of a long rally of play; The Benchwarmers win back a point! Jonny O’Dell got on the end of it and he is quick to give Stevens a high five.

Cutaway to Stevens rock hard abs and O’Dell now wearing shades like he’s fucking Maverick.. they’re truly finding that mentality! The winning mentality!

More passages of play run through the montage and we find ourselves at match point. The tension is unreal as the lifeless cod on the bench looks on with its droopy eye. Another highly competitive rally consumes as one of the jocks loops the ball over the net. The ball hangs and seems to be in the air for a long considerable amount of time.

Then, from out of nowhere and seemingly, from the clutches of defeat; Scott Stevens leaps into the sky like a fully built flying salmon and…

The montage peaks by showing a clip of Scott Stevens winning his first HOW World championship at Rumble At The Rock 2015.

..Stevens slam shots the ball home! And The Benchwarmers win the game!

The other Benchwarmers that weren’t picked show their appreciation by cheering as if this was their cup final.

..The female dwarf flashes her tits in pure ecstasy.

Stevens and O’Dell, meanwhile… celebrate in the sea like they are Rocky and Apollo Creed. They’ve fucking defeated The Russian and now they’re prepared to take on the world!

Dare I say Stevens mask slipped. Even if it was just for a brief moment.. it was damn beautiful.

And you know, yeah.. from a strangers perspective; Stevens looked like a rotten human being. From the tattoos and the visible scars on his body. However, it was the inner scars that I wanted to see.

Because as I look into his eyes; I’m sorry, I simply don’t see a former World champion. And that’s not because he’s not talented. You want to know what I see? I see only pain.

But even if it was just a blink of the eyes; I saw a man rejuvenated… refueled if you like.

A sense of calmness and reality come back into the picture. The montage has stopped and I can’t help but predict that day-to-day emotions come flooding back for The Benchwarmers.

O’DELL: You know, you never asked me why I tried to steal the Tampa Bay Rays Pennant Trophy..

Stevens holds back his response. The sound of the waves are the only predominate sound present. Stevens looks back into O’Dell’s long gaze. The mood never being more tranquil.


O’Dell holds a dramatic pause with his eyes glazed with tears.

O’DELL: I picked it for… you……..:. champ.

Fuck it, Stevens can be my wingman!

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