GOD I HATE THIS
It is with an extremely heavy heart that we announce…
… the book on the Legendary Monster of Poses, Cardboard Dan.
Sadly, early today on a beach in Tampa, Cardboard Dan was killed in a freak jet skiing accident. Witnesses say they saw him out gallivanting with a man who has attained the “absolute pinnacle of hair”, and that he had a tattoo across his chest– “not his bellybutton”, and sunglasses covered most of his face.
We at HOWrestling.com can now confirm that the man Cardboard Dan was with, was in fact his longtime friend, Cool Jiles.
Apparently, the story coming out of COOL’s camp goes like this. Jiles was dead sober. DEAD sober. He was driving and CBD was standing on the back of the jet ski posing for the world to see. They were out in the sun having a ball when suddenly a rogue wave tossed them ass over teakettle and into the ocean.
Jiles hastily swam/flopped some twenty feet to shore. There, he pleaded to anyone within earshot to swim out and save his friend. He was as he put it, “too tired and still in shock from losing to Zion to do so myself.”
Sadly, the group of children who listened to Jiles’ plea could not swim. After realizing a rescue attempt was out of the works, Jiles realized CBD would eventually float safely to shore. He smiled and waited. Then, like something out of HOW show, bits and pieces of CBD started to wash up across the beach line.
All Jiles could do was sit there screaming out in sheer horror, “WHY HIM!!! WHY NOT DOOZER!!!!!!!! WHY!”
It would seem the sheer force of the wave was enough to tear apart CBD into millions of pieces.
Then, a man wearing a wrestling singlet for a wetsuit and wrestling boots for flippers, and who also had a rad mullet rivaling only one, came swimming to shore. He exclaimed, “GREAT CANNONBALL!” and then sprinted off across the top of the water only to be lost in the horizon.
May he rest in peace.