Fuck Lee Best
From the desk of…
Senior Partner, Dirk Dickwood Presents.
Dear Lee Best,
No seriously, I cannot stress this enough. GO FUCK YOURSELF.
I bet you thought your little ploy was real cute, wave a shiny trinket in front of my beautiful boy’s face and he’d just leap forward like the fucking dog you expect him to be. I bet you thought he’d roll over for the belly rubs because Papa Lee could hang the Icon Title above him and he’d just accept his place in the world. Are you fucking kidding me? Mah boy is a Megastar. He doesn’t need your pathetic washed up companies’ version of pity. I guess you’ve been under the mistaken impression that a man like Cecilworth Farthington NEEDS High Octane Wrestling. Let me clear that up right quick, Cecilworth has NEVER needed your shitty deathmatch promotion. We’re talking about a once in a lifetime talent, a talent who has no interest in mid-ring abortions and LITERAL MURDERS. He wants actual competition with the finest athletes in the industry and both of us know that your fucking clown show could never provide that. I mean, it took weeks for your stupid agents to realise that maybe they should let a paedophile enabler grace your ring. Then again, Chris America and Rhys Townsend were never known for their intellects, were they?
I mean god damn Lee, I’m a businessman too, I’d reckon at some point you may have thought “hey, maybe having a bunch of LITERAL MURDERERS as my key talent is bad” and that it might impact your bottom line. Then again, I forgot to you, Bottom Line is just one step further to you creating the world’s first pirate exclusive wrestling promotion. Clearly I don’t have your vision and genius. Which I’m fucking thankful for. I wear a bedsheet fulltime now but at least I have the use of both of my eyes, you fucking prick of a man.
While I’m on the subject of these fucking agents of yours, the men who give the coaching advice backstage, the men who are supposed to keep an eye on the talent you dug out from their shallow pity graves – I wouldn’t say it’s a great look for them to have a once over on John Drugsdrugs and give him the a-okay for him to get in the ring. Pretty sure the USADA has heroin on the no-no list. I mean, if I was a more spiteful man than I was, John Sektor would be up before a hearing board right the fuck now given his proclivity to shove sharp needles right up his sagging pathetic arse but if I’m honest, I’d rather see him have another humiliating loss to Cecilworth’s good pal, Mike Best. What would that make it for John? 7? 8? I know it’s a shitton. I’m just disappointed he didn’t have a fucking stroke in the middle of his match with MAH BOY to expose him for the pathetic drug riddled fuck nugget he actually is.
I’m John Sektor, I don’t care about winning BUT DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE TAKE ME LIGHTLY, even if I do look like Jake The Snake Roberts 5th prison mugshot. Then Rhys Townsend gives him the once over and says “sure champ, you’re ready for the ring”. To be fair to Rhys though, he was busy shoving his fragile and minimal penis into a taco at the time, so I can understand why he’d be so god awful at the job you hired him to do. His tacos have so much edge to them, I’ve heard he’s had to go to the hospital for penile-cuts after trying to roger one far too hard.
Now I’m certain your MAD GENIUS brain is sounding the horns right now, you’re going to try and get YER BOYS like America to tweet up a storm about how Cecilworth just couldn’t get it done, how he’s unproven, how he’s untested. For that, you can eat an butt. You can eat a literal butt. My boy has nothing left to prove in the desolate Mad Max Wasteland that is your woeful little company.
Did you forget that I fucking said the only reason that Cecilworth was in your pitiable little tournament of sadness and shame was the fact he had never climbed to the top of the mountain? I know you’ve lost a shitting eye, I hadn’t realised you’d lost your sense of hearing too. Cecilworth is already the longest reigning Icon Champion in High Octane history. Cecilworth is already the ONLY man to win Tag Team Solitary Confinement. Cecilworth has nothing to prove in the lower tiers. He was here to finally claim the one thing that eluded him. He has had a polished, illustrious career but a World Championship had eluded him. I say had… because unlike you, Marcus Welsh actually appreciates real talent. Marcus Welsh took one look at MAH BOY and strapped a rocket to his goddamn arse because Marcus Welsh actually appreciates good talent. OCW, that’s a company with a future, they know where their bread is buttered and let me assure you, it’s not with fucking Darin Zion’s Toast Machine no matter how many times he tries to Jesus himself. At Dirk Dickwood Presents, we have little interest in helping your pitiful nostalgia parade. Sorry that Cecilworth isn’t dark and brooding enough for you, Captain Chucklefuck.
So he’s not World Title material to you eh?
Let me paint a word picture for you Lee, although you’re so fucking blind I doubt you’d appreciate it. Mah boy, perhaps the best piece of talent that has ever swung through the pathetic cowboy doors you call a wrestling promotion, has worked his ass off for you. He has went out and proved himself time and time again.
What is his reward for that service? He gets to hear that the fucking Darin Zions and Bryan Hollywoods of the world are “elite” World Title contenders. Men, who last time Cecilworth graced your shitty little promotion with his presence were too busy with their side career as FUCKING SNIPERS to even give their focus to all things High Octane. But yeah, sure, they’re more elite than a man who has dedicated his life to perfecting his wrestling talent.
Here’s the thing Papa Lee, you’re not the only game in town. Cecilworth, he already explored his options. He explored his options real good. You want to make Sex and Money part of your elite top tier? Go right the fuck ahead. Just don’t come crying to Grandpappy Dirk when you realise that QUELLE SURPRISE the two fucknuts who killed the company the first time they became the face of it will do the same again.
I heard a lot of talk about how Bryan Hollywood should be the number one seed because he was the last World Champion. Maybe I’m a naive little ghost man but I thought you were good at business, you One Eyed Willy shit basket. I thought you were the mad genius, I thought your agents were the best brains that were on the markets and yet between you, the fucking brain trust that you put together still resolved that “hey, maybe that guy who fucking killed the company last time he was at the top should still be the face of the entire promotion”. I assume after you made that decision, you all shat your pants, you dementia riddled shitehawks. No wonder your next big star is the “Depends” spokesman Dan Ryan.
I assume when you offered Ryan a contract, he replied with “I don’t know, Depends” and next thing you know, he’s at a photoshoot wearing his shitting sunglasses at night and wearing the darkest pair of adult diapers in human history. As dark as his bad, bad man soul. Oh no, we should be quaking in fear now grampa Ryan is here. He might kick some ass before the nurse has to administer his medication and he has his mid-afternoon nap.
No I’m serious, I want you to build your company around “Five Head Frankie” Eric Dane, “Leprosy Terminator” Dan Ryan and LITERAL MURDERS Sex and Money. Go right ahead. You’re already opening your mouth wide and inserting the glock and I don’t have to do any work at all to help you on your way.
When MAH BOY walked in the door, your big boys didn’t rate him. There was a lot of snickering, a lot of sniping. Then he carried the sad pathetic corpse of David Black to the tag team titles. He hoisted that wasted hunk of meat across his shoulders and he ran with him, he ran with him right to fucking Alcatraz. You know what happened in Alcatraz? Some of your BIG BOYS like the red haired dyed white guy dreadlocked fuckface you call a main event talent and his sad eyed, happy tummied friend fell victim to Cecilworth.
But yeah, let me hear how Scottywood is elite. Let me hear how the man with the head of snakes is clearly a tier above my boy. Go fuck yourself.
Cecilworth fucking Farthington had to fight for his name in High Octane. He was the man to end Jace Parker Davidson’s reign of terror, he is one of the few in the industry to be on the positive side of a win-loss battle with Mike Best, he kicked the shit outs of YOUR boys Scotty and Hollywood in Alcatraz. He worked and worked and worked for your fucking company and when he returned what was his reward? A shitting number eleven seed? Are you kidding me with that bullshit?
Now, let me paint a picture of contrast. What happened when Cecilworth walked into the OCW doors? Why, the eMpire realised a good thing when they saw it and Cecilworth fucking Farthington is a very good thing indeed. They scooped him right up for membership of the most dominant and fearful stable the industry has seen in a long ass time. I mean, as a business leader Lee, surely you can see what’s about to happen, can’t you? Can’t you smell it in the air? Of course you fucking can’t, all you can smell is fucking toast.
Cecilworth Farthington is an OCW Megastar and he is far above your pathetic pity Battle Royal. Cecilworth Farthington is MAIN EVENT talent. Marcus Welsh knows that, Marcus Welsh knew that from day fucking one. One eye or two Lee, you’ve always been blind to having the best in front of your face.
OCW Megastars do not waste their time with your pathetic consolation prize Battle Royals. OCW Megastars have big time matches to prepare for. OCW Megastars have PAY PER VIEW MAIN EVENTS to get ready for. Cecilworth M. Farthington is an OCW Megastar and you will no longer be allowed to revive your pathetic little company by using his name. He will NOT be participating in your Battle Royal.
That contract you think you locked down with Cecilworth for the measly sum of five thousand and eight dollars per month? I got some bad news for you bud, if I didn’t sign on the bottom line, it’s fucking null and void. I’m Cecilworth’s legally appointed representative on these American shores and you need ME, not my beautiful, idiot child charge to ink that there agreement you put forth. I’ve done no such thing. As a result, someone has been freed up for the second Refueled show to ensure that they really can give their dedicated time and focus to the OCW Block Party main event (LIVE ON PPV!)
I’m sure you’re punching a wall in rage right now but turn the 97 red frown upside down because I have the grandest of news. Dirk Dickwood is never one to pull the rug out from under men of poor depth perception without offering a solid alternative and an alternative I do have.
Cecilworth M. Farthington, OCW Megastar, he’s above your shitty little run down remnant of a company but he cares a lot about the Icon Championship. He very much views it as “his” title. After all, he is the man to hold it for close to a year. He is a man who has held it twice as long as any of your chosen boys, the ones that you view as High Octane till they die. That must eat you up inside, the man you never wanted to win, the man you never valued, the man who was never “HOW” enough, he became the Iconic Legend. So much so, Mike Best bestowed the title of Icon upon him. The thing is, he’s already achieved anything he would ever need to with the belt but he still wants it… y’know for nostalgia. He’s a sentimental boy when it comes down to it all.
I’m sure your good eye is reading this letter and wondering where that leaves things. Hell, I’m sure you’re already yelling to your secretary and anyone who listens that you have Cecilworth under contract and can force him into the Commiseration Contest for the Icon Title due to a shitpile in your head you call a brain. Never fear, Dirk is here!
I have some good news for you, you fucking Jack of Spades. We’re sending ourselves a representative to your contemptible, loathsome Battle Royal. An envoy, an ambassador if you will. Cecilworth M. Farthington is far too busy preparing for the main event of Block Party but our envoy is very excited to have his first bout in the High Octane domain.
The bad news for you One Eyed Charlie is should our envoy winning your piddling little BATTLE ROYAL for C-Money’s beloved belt, it’s going straight to OCW. MAH BOY, he feels that Online Championship Wrestling is not Iconic enough and well… he has a desire to be the first Online Icon. Our envoy, he does what he’s told, he’ll be more than happy to hand that belt right over. It’ll be Utah all over again my friend.
But it does have a ring to it, does it not Papa Lee?
Online Icon Cecilworth M. Farthington.
I can smell the t-shirts already.
Thank you, fuck you, bye,
(Who is not a ghost)