“Cecilworth Farthington is a rich idiot. Don’t listen to him” snapped Silent Witness. “He didn’t even mean those kind of jeans” he added; shaking his head in dismay.
Or maybe he did mean those kind of jeans. Who fucking knows with Farthington. But whatever the case, Joey Conrad did not need to be in the fucking GAP right now.
GAP is still a thing, right? It’s all fucking Primark in my wardrobe, mate, because it’s all the fucking same to me.
Joey looked confused. I know – he always does – but extra confused. Like he’d been told to enter a round room and piss in a corner but ended up shitting himself. He doesn’t know who Gene is, or why Farthington is blowing up Twitter talking about Jean Conrad; mother of our new hero. All Joey knows is Cecil doesn’t like his jeans. So he’s buying new ones.
Don’t worry, graphics department woman who’s name I forgot and can’t be bothered to find on Twitter – he’s buying the same fucking white jeans he’s got on, so that photoshoot is still good.
Yeah – he’s buying the same jeans as he already has. Because someone on the internet doesn’t like the exact same pair he’s already wearing.
No, it doesn’t make sense. You know that, I know that – Silent Witness knows that and it’s doing his fucking nut in right now – but Joey hasn’t quite grasped what’s going on yet. Because he’s that word Lee Best doesn’t want us to use and I’ve probably pissed him off enough with my first story, so let’s say it’s because Joey is a fucking tool. Actually, he’s a whole bunch of tools, in one big, fuck off tool bag.
“We need to talk about your match, Joey. If we don’t, people will judge you, it will get in your head and you won’t win your match” stated Silent Witness, before being distracted by what seemed to be a building surveyor looking around the store. He was talking to someone – probably the store manager – and although Silent Witness couldn’t quite make out everything that was being said, he definitely heard the surveyor state that “all four walls are perfectly sturdy. There are no breakages anywhere”.
Because that’s exactly how a surveyor would say that.
Fuck off, you have no idea what a building surveyor does, so I’m telling you – that’s how they would say it. I know things.
It was an odd distraction, almost as though it had been shoe-horned in as an afterthought, but nevertheless, it was long enough that when the LSD Legend turned back around to face Joey Conrad, he was confronted by our heroic idiot in nothing but his pants.
No, not his jeans – his pants. Undies. Underwear. Whateverthefuck you call it on that side of the pond – he was in his skivvies in the middle of the GAP, trying desperately to pull up the tightest white jeans Silent Witness had ever seen.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Joe! They’ve got rooms for you to try them on!” he exclaimed. Joey didn’t give a shit, though, because he’s an arrogant little cunt. “It’s fine” he replied. “There’s nobody around – besides, everyone deserves to have a peek at Joey’s junk at least once in their lives!” he added, gleefully.
Silent Witness shook his head and turned away. Joey finally pulled the jeans up and looked towards the cashier, whom had no doubt had her own view of Joey’s junk – whether she liked it or not. He winked at her, before sizing himself up in a nearby mirror. “Sick” he said, before doing that stupid thumb-finger clicky thing that Ali G used to do. “Cecilton can’t say anything about these. Wallop!”
Joey strutted over towards the aforementioned cashier. “I’m going to wear these out of here, but could you put-“
You know what? Fuck it. It’s now a couple of hours later, because none of us want to go through the motions of Joey Conrad paying for some fucking jeans. Silent Witness has managed to get him to start taking things seriously and they’re in the LSD Legend’s Los Angeles apartment, watching some old HOW tapes.
No, I’m not going to copy-paste the transcript from an old match in here to get the word count up, like that fucking Texan did.
OH – THAT WASN’T EVEN MEANT TO BE A STEVENS COPY-PASTE JOKE.
TWO’FER. FUCKING NICE.
So anyway, there they are – Silent Witness and Joey Conrad. Preparing for a match with Princess Madwoman by watching…
KICK-OU- oh wait, that’s for something else.
… Silent Witness beat Max Kael for the HOW World Championship. He’ll never fucking shut up about it, will he? Bellend. What’s the point of showing him that? It’s got nothing to do with this tournament!
“The reason I’m showing you this, Joey…”
Oh, fuck off, mate.
“… Is because this is the only way I know how to show you what heart, resilience and passion can achieve. Most people in HOW have worked their ass off to get there. You’ve been the luckiest guy in the world to land this gig. I can’t teach you how to scratch and crawl and fight for that win, but I can show you what it looks like. I can show you what you can achieve if you put in the effort” he explained.
Fair play, he’s got a point. Dick.
The problem facing Joey Conrad and Silent Witness is that they don’t know a fucking thing about their opponent. Sure, they could probably go find whatever shitty fed Madwoman has been in recently and stalk her matches, but that takes the kind of effort Silent Witness no longer has and the intelligence Joey Conrad has never had.
I mean… I had a look at all the Anime shit on her Twitter, but that doesn’t help me.
Uh… them. Didn’t help them.
All they found was some shit about “Pas De Deux”, whatever that is. Joey can help out with “Pass the duh”, but I’m not sure that’s what they meant. I’m not sure that was a good pun/joke/whatever either, but it’s staying in because fuck it, why not.
Oh shit, she’s in OCW? I take back the part about her being in a shitty fed somewhere. And the part about not being bothered enough to stalk this bitch.
… Ok, that didn’t give me a lot to go off, but fuck it, I can work with it.
“What about Princess?” quizzed Conrad. “Shouldn’t we watch some of her stuff?”
Great fucking point, Joey, my boy. Great fucking point.
“We should” agreed Silent Witness. “In fact, we can watch her compete in OCW on the HOTv Network” he added.
Not for $9.69 a month, Scotty. That was a fucking dumb idea. Instead, it’s free because… Well because I wanted to include that idea from Scotty that got shot down and this is how I decided to do it.
“Pas De Deux were in competition in a tag team match. Singles matches are a different breed to tag matches, but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn anything” explained the LSD Legend, before pressing a few buttons on his TV remote. This brought up the beginning of OCW Presents: Massacre from Monday night and someone called Smith and Hood.
They’re like Joe and Benny, but… well… not Joe and Benny.
Anyway, nobody in the room was interested in what they had to say so Silent Witness skimmed fast-forwarded to the first appearance of Princess Madwoman on the show. Princess and Madman Shitswinger or whateverthefuck his name are fucking about with a barbecue and Madman is talking about wanting some of a guy with a big dick…
… Moving on before I get myself in trouble with the industry snowflakes…
“What did you take from that, Joe?” asked Silent Witness, all teacher-like. He’s fookin’ loving it, this guy.
“Uhm… I don’t know. They like to barbecue?” he guessed.
He was wrong.
Silent Witness shook his head dismissively. “No” he began. “Look deeper than that. Look at which one of them is in control. Listen to what they are saying…” he instructed, before replaying the scene.
Joey’s still a fucking idiot, though, so obviously he replied with “oh, she’s great with kids!”.
#Feminism. Yeah, that’s here to stay, so fuck you.
Silent Witness was not impressed. He shook his head again, disappointed in his protégé. “Forget all of that, Joe. It’s nothing to do with what’s going on. Listen to what they’re saying” he added, before rewinding a little.
Madwoman: Those are our little cousins. From Mexico. Don’t think too hard about it or you’ll get a brain aneurysm.
Ok, yeah, I see the contradiction, OK? The Texan reviewed an entire match, though, to be fair… anyway… Fast forward.
Madwoman: Make sure to save a rib for the Lockwood party.
Silent Witness paused again. “Do you see what’s happening here?” he asked. Joey shrugged. “She is in control here” explained the Hall of Famer. “She is telling Madman what to do, what to think. She is telling the construction crew what to do, what to think. This is a woman in control…” he added, before fast-forwarding to their match.
Pas De Deux won.
Oh, sorry, spoiler alert.
Oh, yeah, I forgot. Nobody really gives a shit. But after watching the match, Silent Witness once again paused the recording and turned to face Conrad. This time, he didn’t say anything – he just stared at the rookie.
Joey didn’t notice. Eventually, Witness is going to have to cave…
“Well?” he asked.
Told ya. That’s twice this week I’ve called this shit.
“They won” replied the idiot. Silent Witness sighed. “Princess took two chair shots to the head” he began explaining to his lost cause. “But she hung in there. She fought. She showed heart. She put in the effort” he added. “She did everything a true Champion does and she was rewarded” he concluded, with that annoying implicatory tone he has used for years that nobody liked or understood.
Having said that, I’m assuming you’ve read the match, given they’re our affiliates. No? Well… You’re not prepared for this story, then, are you?
“This is the level of commitment it takes to be a success in this industry. But it needs more than that to make it in HOW. Can you tell me what she was lacking?” he asked, like a fucking know-it-all cunt.
Joey didn’t know. Of course Joey didn’t know. He doesn’t know his arse from his elbow let alone the wrestling mind of a washed up has-been. So, he shrugged.
He does that a lot, have you noticed?
“Killer instinct. Princess didn’t win this match. Princess didn’t do a damn thing to earn this victory. Madman Shirtsweater threw her around like a weapon – that’s how they won the match. That’s going to be the difference between the two of you, Joe” he exclaimed. “You’re going to have that killer instinct.”
He’s a fucking ham, isn’t he?! Jesus fucking Christ…
Got a point, though…
Joey nodded. He actually looked like he had learned something, which would be a fucking first. “So I have to kill her?” he asked.
Learned. Fucking. Nothing.
“Don’t be stupid, Joey. You’re better than that” encouraged the LSD Legend. He was full of shit, but it was nice to prop up the youngster, at least. “You’ve got to finish her off when you’ve got the chance. What have you got in mind for your finishing move?” asked the Hall of Famer.
You’d think he’d already know, but it’s a great setup for this next bit…
“The Genital Bulge” said Conrad, beaming. “It’s a kick to the nuts!” he added.
See? Totally fucking worth it.
“You’re fighting a woman, Joe…” explained Silent Witness. “… So?” asked the twat that can’t work it out.
Silent Witness explained further: “She doesn’t have nuts, Joe…”
“Oh” exclaimed Conrad. “Then I’ll just teabag her” he added. Silent Witness shook his head. “Jesus fucking Christ, Joey! Take this seriously!” he yelled, angrily. Joey quickly realised his mentor had misunderstood and stood up with hands up, defensively.
“No – that’s my other move. The Ultimate Teabagging” he explained.
Yeah, I’m aware Silent Witness would already know this if he was his manager, but go fuck yourself with your logic, alright? This is way more fun to write, so suck my match-relevant balls.
“I teabag her, like when someone gets pwned in CoD, bounce off the ropes, then land on her face with my meat ‘n’ two veg” explained Joey, nonchalantly.
Yeah, that’s a fucking wicked move and I know you wished you’d thought of it.
Don’t hate – congratulate.
“I… I really don’t know what to say about that, Joe” replied the LSD Legend. He shook his head once again. “But if it works…”
Now it was his turn to shrug.
Joey patted his mentor on the shoulder. He was smiling; confident in his own ability.
“Don’t worry” he said, as he took his seat. “I’ve got this!”
He definitely doesn’t fucking “got this”, and Silent Witness knows it. That’s why he frowned; concerned by Joey’s Billy Big Bollocks approach to this match.
Now wasn’t the time to piss on his chips, though – you don’t bring a guy down when he’s feeling on top of the world until the moment is right.
Unless you’re posting your inflated ego on Twitter. Then Mike is going to fucking eat your head.
That’s why Joey stays relatively quiet on that platform…
It’s fucking glorious to watch, though.
No, now was the time to move on to another worrying element of Joey Conrad’s unpreparedness… Is that a word? I’m sticking with it, anyway.
“Let’s talk about your ring gear, Joe…” began Silent Witness. He immediately regretted it, as Cock-end Conrad’s face lit up. “You can’t wear skinny white jeans” he warned. Joey stood up; shocked. “Why not?!” he asked; his voice all whiny and annoying – it always is, but this was something else. “I look fuckin’ sick in my jeans and boots!” he exclaimed. Silent Witness shook his head, but before he could respond, Joey chirped up again.
“Besides, I want to show the Penny Farthing man-“
That’s Cecilworth Farthington to the rest of us…
“- that my jeans are sick. I’ll beat Princess Madwoman in my new jeans and he will have to apologise to me!” added the clown.
I mean, where do you even begin with this level of stupidity?
“He wasn’t talking about the jeans you’re wearing, Joe!” screamed Silent Witness.
I mean, technically he was, but let’s see where he goes with this.
“He was talking about your DNA. He was saying that you don’t have what it takes!”
Was he? Does Cecilworth even know he was doing that?
“He was saying that you don’t have the genes – the DNA – to make it in HOW. Do you even WANT to win?!” asked the exasperated LSD Legend. “Of course I do!” replied Joey, angrily. He hadn’t taken kindly to that question and his response pleased Silent Witness, even if he didn’t express it.
“I want to win everything! I want to be HOW World Champion!” exclaimed Joey.
He’s getting well ahead of himself here, but at least he’s starting to show some passion, some desire, right?
See what I did there? Bringing it all together, just as classy as the last one…
The response made Silent Witness smile. He stood up and gestured for Joey to follow him. “Come on, Joe” he directed. “We’ve got a lot of work to do…”
The pair walked off, heading towards the basement in Silent Witness’ home. He had converted it into a gym with a wrestling ring not long after moving in. Little did he know at the time that the only use it would get would be to train a complete idiot how to avoid being massacred in his first ever wrestling match. But here we fucking are. At least he’s finally showing that he wants it, right? At least he’s finally putting in that effort Silent Witness spoke about.
There was still one question on Joey’s mind before they began, though…
“Was he really not talking about my jeans?” he asked. Silent Witness patted him on the shoulder.
Don’t worry about it, Joe. Don’t worry about it…”
He loves a fucking trailing sentence to finish off a scene, doesn’t he?!